Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #80: Dream-Life Hangover, Phantom Oil Change, Supermarket Happiness, etc.

1. Anytime I get a taste of my dream job as a content creator, or filmmaker, or author, it’s a good thing. This past weekend, getting to see my old classmate’s one-man show inspired me. Speaking to him after I made sure to tell him that I use him as an inspiration for continuing my journey. It leaves me motivated to work on whatever my next project is. However, as soon as I walk into my day job after experiencing that motivation, I feel empty. I feel like I have failed. When I have my ‘days off’ to work on my other passions, I think, ‘this is the time I’ll get that big break.’ When it doesn’t happen and I have to go back to my typical work day, I feel like someone let the air out of my balloon. It’s almost like a dream-life hangover. Maybe one day it won’t be a dream anymore.

From after the show.

2. Several years ago, I bought software to convert VHS tapes to digital. I have more than 65 hours of old tapes I recorded during high school, and I am trying to get them all digitized before the VHS tapes eventually break. I have Elgato Video Capture. It has always worked fine. I hadn’t used it in a year or so when I plugged the cables in. For some reason, the software wasn’t on my laptop anymore. No worries, I downloaded the necessary software and drivers to do the job. Or so I thought. It turned out there were certain functions I needed to turn off on my laptop to get the software to work. However, once those were turned off, my laptop said it was dangerous and I needed to turn those functions back on. It was like an ice cream headache. In the end, I needed to delete the drivers for Elgato. Easier said than done. I spent a few hours researching just how in the hell to get them off my laptop. I was reading that if all else failed, I’d need to contact Elgato and get a new CD-ROM of the software. Not bad right? Well unfortunately, my laptop doesn’t have a CD drive, so yay. It was like a comedy skit where I just wanted to vacuum my car, but somehow managed to set it on fire instead.

3. Okay, I have reached the ‘I’m ready for fall’ portion of the summer. When it’s nearly 100 degrees and humid, that’s enough for me. Several years ago, when I was young(er) and crazy, I looked forward to running in all sorts of bad weather. Too hot? Let’s go. Too cold? I have layers. Hurricane or Tropical Storm? Sunglasses block the blowing sand. Blizzard? I can hide in a house under construction. That last one is 100% real. Anyway, this week’s heat and humidity took me out of my desire to do any run or walk. I chose to hide inside in the air conditioning. Hey, at least I am doing some sort of work, like this blog entry. Wake me when Labor Day is here. Sorry, not sorry.

4. There is an age-old line about New England that goes something like this: If you don’t like the weather, just wait a few minutes. That is how it went this week. I just mentioned it being close to 100 degrees early in the week. Only a few days later, we had rain with highs in the mid-60s. Honestly, if I had to choose between the two, I’m taking the rainy 65-degree day over the sunny, humid 97-degree day. I will say that my idea of perfect weather is partly cloudy, low humidity, and temperatures in the low 70s, but that’s just me.

The weather is always changing in New England.

5. After 2 months and 4 pretty bad injuries, I was finally able to start going back to the gym. I managed to injure my lower back twice, sprain my ankle, and nearly break both hands. The only thing I was able to really do over the past 2 months was go for walks and eat my feelings of being depressed. My first workout was good but man, did I feel my regression. I was so tired and sore almost immediately. Now my joke is how long is it going to be before I injure something else? I’ll take sore muscles. That’s way better than some sort of foolish calamity that leaves me unable to work out for another 2 months.

6. I am now at the age where waking up at 8am is considered sleeping too late. If you had told me 10 years ago that I’d be used to waking up by 7am on most days, including days off, I’d have said something must have gone wrong. I’m not going to start setting an alarm on days off, though. Years ago, the idea of waking up at 5am to hit the gym before work was a definite no-go. Now I am starting to think that within a few years I’ll be naturally getting up at that time. I still won’t want to go to the gym, though, I’ll just surf the net before sunrise.

7. My car is up over 150K miles, so keeping up on the basic maintenance is very important. My goal is for it to get to at least 250K. This week, it was time for an oil change. I usually go to Jiffy Lube since it’s quick and convenient. I mean, they do try to upsell you on a lot of stuff, but that’s kind of par for the course. This time was interesting. Everything seemed to be going well until one of the crew told me they couldn’t get my oil filter off. They said they tried a few ways, but it was rounded and nothing could get it off. What? Is that a thing? They told me I’d need to go to the dealership and they could change it. The irony is that the last few times I’ve gotten my oil changed, it’s been at the same Jiffy Lube. Getting the oil filter off has never been a problem. So what changed this time? I have no idea, but they ended up changing the oil and doing a few other things and not charging me. That was nice. Unfortunately, this means I have to do another trip for routine maintenance, and a dealership at that. You can smell the attempted upselling from a mile away.

8. I don’t know why, but one of my favorite things is shopping in supermarkets that I don’t typically go to. I mean locations that are out of my normal routine. It’s like I go to a Shaw’s or Stop & Shop, and all of them are varying shades of the same color. Still, somehow it’s new and exciting. It’s even more so when I go on road trips. You get me off of Cape Cod and have me stop at a Big Y, Hannaford, Publix, Giant Food, Aldi, or Wegmans? Oh man, it’s like I’ve won the lottery. I have gone to those places on vacations and maybe (definitely) have kept plastic bags with the logos. I even have an insulated Big Y bag that I bought. It is currently holding extra copies of my books.

9. After having a shaved head for about 14 years, it is still weird to me that I have a full head of hair. In fact, my hair is currently probably as long as it’s been, maybe ever. I can spike it up pretty high when it’s wet. The funniest thing is that if it’s not spiked perfectly, I get the hair at the front of my head, right where my hairline and forehead meet, falling forward. It literally looks like I have bangs like my sisters did in high school. I do plan on getting it trimmed down at my next haircut though. Not because of the bangs but the hair will tickle my forehead, which makes me think I have a bug on me, especially at night. Oh well, I know loads of guys around my age that would kill for the ‘problem’ of having too much hair so I should be grateful.

10. We’re now about 3 weeks out from my vacation, and I’ve got to tell you I’m not feeling any sort of road trip. I haven’t booked any hotels yet, and I’m kind of glad. I am looking forward to the time off, but I can’t tell if I am burned out or not. I work full-time and then work almost full-time on my content, such as this blog. It can feel like I am on a treadmill with working. Maybe as I get closer to the actual vacation, I will get excited and make plans to go, at least do one overnight stay, but who knows? Originally, I had plans for three overnights up in Maine and New Hampshire but honestly, as we get closer to the dates, just the thought of driving over four hours has made me lose interest. It is definitely a fake problem to have. Oh no, I have a paid vacation but don’t know what I want to do with the time. I don’t expect any tears shed for my predicament.

Losing Your Spark

    I don’t know when it happens. I don’t know when the adventure of life slowly fades and is replaced by the repetitive and mundane. Over the last few years, I have slowly started feeling this way. I feel like my spark has faded and been lost.

    It is hard for me to tell if this is just a part of the ‘mid-life crisis’ that comes when you get deep into your 40s. Or perhaps this feeling of malaise and being lost has its roots in the series of unfortunate events that have dotted my last several years.

    When you lose a loved one, it changes you. When you lose several in rapid succession, it does irreparable damage. Your brain and heart don’t get a chance to process one loss, and another comes rushing in to knock you upside the head. And how do you process such losses when you feel like you have nobody to talk to about them?

    At this point in time, I feel like I have two types of people in my life. Ones who listen to me like they're listening to the ‘on hold’ music waiting for a real conversation to begin. Then there are the ones who simply cannot just listen. Any conversation devolves into a pissing contest over whose problems are worse. That usually ends with me deferring to them and just putting my problems, which we never come back to, on the back burner.

    But what of the spark? That zest for life, that yearning for the future. What happens to it? Some people seemingly never run out of fuel for that spark. Others, like me, are just staring at a cold fire pit, wondering where the lighter fluid is.



    When I was a teenager in the 1990s, the spark raged out of control. I was full of the angst that the Grunge movement and my own childhood had instilled in me. I was fighting for my future. I was working hard to do well in school so that I could have the future I wanted. I was planning on that future with friends, many of whom are still big parts of my life to this day. I was bound and determined to make it and filled with the energy to prove it. My apologies to 16-year-old me.

    When I was in my 20s in the 2000s, the spark was lit by an unending need for change. I did whatever I needed to do to find my path. If I had to leave a job that I felt was unfulfilling, I did it. If I had to move across the country a time or two, I packed my bags. I was lucky enough to find the love I had craved since I was a boy. I was also unfortunate enough to find that things like time and distance cannot always sustain love. Unflinching, I pressed on. I knew that each door that closed meant my future lay behind another one I had yet to find. I knew that risk-taking was the only way to truly change things. My apologies to 26-year-old me.

    When I was in my 30s in the 2010s, the spark engulfed me in the need for success and acceptance. The future I had dreamed of as a teenager felt like a raft attached to a slippery rope that I was slowly losing hold of. 

    What was success? What was love? The definitions changed with age. I wanted to be a published author, and that happened, now nine times over. Yet it didn’t lead to being a self-sustaining career. 

    I wanted to change day jobs so that I could at least feel fulfilled while waiting for my ship to come in. I did that, and yet my dissatisfaction only grew and festered. No matter the good that came to me, I was never fully happy. I was in the best shape of my life physically, but on the inside, I always felt not enough. I wanted to be as big as possible and yet still go as unnoticed as possible. That spark turned to an inward anger that burned me up and wore me out. My apologies to 36-year-old me.

    Now in my 40s in the 2020s, the spark lay dormant. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am still bound and determined to find the path I am meant to be on. Now it is far quieter and reserved, and cautious. It feels as though those losses I've suffered, 6 people in 5 years, have snuffed the spark out.

    There is no more teenage angst, though I wish there were. 16-year-old me would have a thing or two to say about my current mindset. 

    There is no more taking risks like you’re trying on a new shirt. I now worry more about the potential problems than the potential rewards. Maybe that comes with age, but 26-year-old me would tell me much of what my life consists of now is due to the risks I took back then. 

    There is no more ‘me against the world’ level of needing to prove myself. Shouting from the rooftops about who I am sounds like more effort than it’s worth these days. 36-year-old me would likely ask, ‘What in the world was everything we did for then?’

    These days, I feel like I packed all of my hopes and dreams onto the back of a snail and am watching it try to cross a busy highway. All of the various incarnations of myself would likely be shaking their heads for different reasons. Yet inside, I am still all of those people. There are times when I feel myself slipping into those old mindsets. But I feel like the ‘older and wiser’ version of me overrules them all. It says ‘Why push a sled full of rocks uphill when you can sail down a lazy river if both routes lead to the same destination?’

    Maybe in my 50s in the 2030s, I’ll look back on this and laugh because I found my spark again. Maybe I’ll apologize to the current version of me for something I haven’t even done yet. The spark inside you isn’t something tangible. It is a feeling, a movement, a driving force meant to get you through the journey we call life. It is also something that, if not cultivated and nurtured, can be lost. I will keep on looking for mine, and if you are looking for yours, know that you’re not the only one.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #62: Blank Pages, Elder Squirrels, Pumpkin Smashing, etc.

 

1. We’re talking genius levels of stupid for this entry. I downloaded this writing software I’m currently using writing this, LibreOffice, for my work computer. It’s free and it’s very much like Microsoft Word. It’s a great program; that’s not the stupid part. No, that comes next. I needed to print something out. I sent the file off to the printer, and when I went to grab it, the pages were blank. I figured there was a glitch with the printer. Nope. It turns out I had the LibreOffice program set to dark mode. This meant that to see what I was typing, I had to change the font color to white. Do you see where this is going? I printed my file out that had white letters, on white paper. Yes, once I figured it out and admitted my foolish mistake, things were fine. But seriously? How did I not figure it out before printing what I thought were blank pages?

2. After the amount of fun and new experiences I had last week on a movie set, it was a bit of a hangover this week. Part of me feels like you do after having gone on an amazing vacation and then having to go back to your same old daily routine. You have this drop in energy and interest, at least for a little while, and you get used to being back at the grind. Another part of me feels like last week shined a light on what I really want to do, my passions. I felt so alive and excited being on a movie set and shooting content for my YouTube channel. It just makes my day job seem so uninspiring and boring. It is not my passion. So now the next step is how I get more of that passion in my life and let go of that which doesn’t fan the flames of those passions.

3. Not sure who was at fault here. I came to a 4-way intersection. I was turning right. In the other lane of the road I was taking, I see an SUV flicking their lights from normal to high repeatedly at the truck ahead of them at the intersection. In response, the truck slams it into reverse and goes back a few feet. They weren’t that close to hitting but it was obviously a stupid and aggressive move. I made my turn but slowed and rolled my window down to ask the driver of the truck what his problem was. He blamed the people in the SUV. Me? It was late, and I didn’t feel like eventually being interviewed by the cops, so I moved on. Before I got far, the truck peeled out and turned left. The SUV quickly followed. I will keep checking police reports as the days go by.

4. I find that no matter how old I get, anytime I see a plain all-white van, I immediately think the driver is some crazed lunatic on the prowl for unsuspecting victims. I am pretty sure that the companies that create these types of vans didn’t anticipate them being the preferred mode of transportation for serial killers and kidnappers, but here we are. Also, I don’t think they should lean into it and create some kind of ad campaign saying 8 out of 10 serial killers prefer X brand white vans for all of their murderous needs. That might not cause sales to increase, but what do I know?

Sure! I'll be right over, and never return.

5. I have signed up on a voice acting website. I figure, why not look for some potential voice-over work in addition to potential on-screen acting roles? The funny thing is when you do your on-boarding you have to list any accents you can feasibly do. I can put together a few words in Irish, English, Italian, Portuguese, and maybe French accents. I didn’t think I was skilled enough to do real voice acting in any of those accents. I panicked, though because you had to choose at least one. Then I scrolled down and saw North American(general), meaning my normal voice. I never thought to look for my own accent, oh well. I can do a sarcastic accent if that helps?

6. It’s spring again. Cue the rampant number of squirrels being flattened by passing vehicles. I have to wonder, if squirrels can figure out how to get into relatively sophisticated feeders, why have they not figured out that the giant things 100x their size should be avoided? Seriously, are there no elder statesman squirrels to share stories of the giant machines on the asphalt? “Back in my day, sonny I nearly was squished by the metal giant, but luckily I survived to share my story with you!”

Things you'd never see.

7. I have finally broken down and bought a mini-blender. This will be used to make breakfast smoothies. I am hoping it saves some money and also works to keep me on my diet. I am trying to be very regimented when it comes to counting calories. This means I have to measure everything I eat. Nothing wakes you up faster than pouring almond milk into a measuring cup and nearly spilling it all over the floor. The first smoothie I made was good but took way longer than I’d hoped to make. I’d say over time I’ll become a smoothie king, but there are already several smoothie chains, so I’ll just stick to making them for myself.

8. I went to the beach as I often do, to enjoy the scenery and listen to a podcast. The lot was mostly empty, and the day was gray and foggy. It made it easier to notice a car with its hazard lights on doing laps around the parking lot. I noticed it do probably 4-5 laps before finally leaving. That was weird. Then, a few minutes later, it happened again. No, not the same car. This was a totally different car driving laps around the parking lot with its hazard lights on. This car did close to 10 laps and was still doing them when I finally decided to leave. It was just an odd occurrence to happen twice back to back.

9. A tradition I have now is doing a video showing me destroying my Halloween pumpkin. I am always surprised at how long a pumpkin I bought in October survives. This year I had a vision in mind of the current pumpkin being tricked into believing it was going to visit its brothers at college. The idea concludes with me backing my car over the pumpkin. The only issue is how wacky it looks setting up the camera and doing dialogue talking to my pumpkin. I had to find a secluded area to pull it off and then hope nobody, especially the police, came by while filming. Not that pumpkin smashing is illegal, it’s just how do I explain what I am doing, especially as a man in his late 40s.

10. If you had told me when I was in my 20s, hell, even 6 years ago, that I’d be waking up voluntarily at 7am on my days off, I’d have wondered what happened to me. Part of it is that when I stopped drinking, I had no real reasons to be out super late so it became easier to wake up at 7, or sometimes earlier. I do wonder though if it is just something that happens as you age. Sure, I could fight it and stay up on nights off until midnight, but my mind goes to tasks I have to do in the morning and I end up in bed by 10:30. At this rate I’ll be waking up at 4am in a few years, and then comes dinner time at 4:30pm. Yikes.