“BE
THE KIND OF PERSON WHO LEAVES A MARK, NOT A SCAR.”(UNKNOWN)
If
you had told me the day I met her that she would still have a huge
place in my heart and soul in 2022 I would have smiled and said
‘that’s a good thing.’ If you had then said that I would not
have seen her face or heard her voice, in 16 years I would have
wondered how both were possible.
How
can someone be a part of your life for 2 years yet leave an aura that
still wraps snugly around your soul for so long after they have left
your life?
I
guess timing and circumstances helped, but only in a small way. I had
battled a pretty bad period of depression over the previous 18 months
before she entered my world like a blazing supernova. When someone
shows up and has the power to shake the chain of depression from
around your heart you will forever be indebted to them. She took
someone that was wounded and broken and made them feel like a
complete human again.
I
think I knew she was going to end up being a major part of my life’s
story from the start. I immediately began chronicling our
relationship in a journal. I am so grateful to my younger self for
giving me access to that period anytime I see fit. I have memories as
vivid today as they were when they first happened. Maybe this is a
reason why the moments are clear, her face pristine, and her voice
soothing so long after all left my world.
By
our third date, I was out of my head in love with this girl. I kept
having to pinch myself that she was real. She was everything I had
ever wanted, and unlike anyone, I had ever met. We came from 2
different worlds, and different backgrounds, but we clicked. She had
a gentle way of speaking that hid a fire that made me feel more alive
than I can remember before or since.
I
am glad that I never took a moment with her for granted. Those
moments were fleeting. There have been plenty of times over the years
when I wondered aloud why I was given all I could want but only for a
brief time. Maybe it was so that I knew that real love actually does
exist. Maybe it was to give me someone to compare every single person
I’ve met since.
In
the end, it was the distance that smothered our flame. She was merely
passing through my world. Quite literally. Her real home was far away
and she had just been in my area for the summer. I wanted to marry
her. I wanted to move 2,000 miles to bridge the gap. I guess knowing
that I was willing to go to those lengths for someone means
something.
So
again I ask how can someone leave such a huge impact on me in such a
short time. And why is she still such an important figure in my life
even today?
Yes,
I believe that she was every bit of the once-in-a-lifetime type of
person that I remember. However, I do believe that timing played a
part. Maybe if I wasn’t so broken and beaten when we met I wouldn’t
have had so high to climb. Or maybe she was the one beacon of light
that I would use to sail my life toward forever after.
I
think another major factor is that once we parted ways she vanished.
I was so busy soaking in every second of time with her that I have
almost nothing physical to remind me of her. There are no photos of
us. Only a couple of photos she took of me, or pictures I took with
her standing beside me. The one big gift she got me I have lost. It’s
what makes those journal entries mean even more.
She
has no social media presence and doesn’t have the same phone
number, or the same address, so there was no way for me to find her.
The mystery makes me go back to our relationship. I romanticize those
good times and they grow more important the older I get and the more
jaded about love I become.
I
have never gotten any sort of closure. I have never gotten the chance
to tell her how important she was and how grateful I will always be
to her for coming into my life when she did. But then I wonder if not
getting closure keeps that flame burning. Not knowing anything about
her presently is a curse but perhaps a blessing too.
For
me, there is always that far-off hope of a magical comeback. A
last-second shot that wins the game. She might just be the Holly to
my Michael for fans of The Office. She is the one who got away but
the only one that I constantly keep looking for. There’s that small
sliver of a chance that she and I are just taking the scenic route
back to each other.
I
want the way she made me feel, even if I can never see her again. She
remains the only person I’ve met that I would consider completely
uprooting my life for. There are plenty of times I think that I’d
give almost anything for one more day. But what would we be? Would we
instantly be those kids in our 20s that didn’t expect each other
but loved like nobody else existed? Would we be something better?
Older and wiser and ready. Or would it be an unmitigated disaster
where we have nothing to hold on to and those great memories get
tainted?
I
don’t know. Maybe I’ll never know. Maybe that’s the way it’s
meant to be. But I’ll always leave a light on for her. And who
knows? Maybe someday she will come knocking.
