To All Of My Second Fathers

To All of My Second Fathers

Happy Father’s Day to all of my second fathers. Thank you for pitching in to pave the road left abandoned by the one who should have paved it. I could have spent this Father’s Day feeling resentful toward the person who had, but did not earn, the title of *Dad*. Instead, I wanted to thank the good male role models I have had, for I didn’t get to this point in my life on my own.

When I began putting together this piece, it really dawned on me. Despite the main male in my life not wanting to show me anything except how not to be, I found that I had a village of true men who took a boy and helped make him a man.

To Serpa, CJS Sr., my second stepfather. Thank you for bringing the type of stability that eluded me when it came to male role models in my life through my teenage years. You started as my mom’s coworker, whom I would end up chatting about sports and sports cards with in the produce section of Stop & Shop for way too long. Here it is, 30 years later, and we still chat about sports and cards. You’ve been there through high school, college, moving cross country, births of kids, deaths of family members, and everyday moments that pass by in the blink of an eye. You taught me that so much of being a man is showing up for those who matter.

To my Grampa, Sully. Thank you for crafting a life that served as a blueprint for all I wished to be. Your hard work, your dedication to your family, your ability to make things make sense. All of these things I have tried to emulate. I often said while you were still here that if I became half the man you were, I’d consider my life a success. That will never change. You were and still are the role model above all others. You taught me that part of being a man is leading by example and living life in a way that makes people proud that they know you.

To my uncles. Bob, Eric, John, and Steve. Thank you for helping to guide me each in different ways. Uncle Bob, you are the one I emulate when relating to my own nieces and nephews. If they enjoy their time with me as their uncle, it’s because of what you showed me. Uncle Eric, I told you that I wished you were my father. You showed me that it was possible to be a good father even if your brother could not be bothered. You looked out for me and helped me through some hard times when you did not have to. Uncle John, the only one who knows more about family history than I, is you. You showed me that the right way to live life is by simply being a decent human. Uncle Steve, you taught me about mental toughness and perseverance. You took your grief and turned yourself into an elite distance runner in your 50s. You showed me that there is more than one road that can take you where you want to go.

To Maui, the man himself. Thank you for instilling in me a work ethic that serves me well to this day. You took a kid who was working in an industry he didn’t want to be in and showed me how to do it and do it well. You taught me how to work hard but still make it fun. You were someone that, although not related by blood, I felt I could lean on, ask for advice, and also count on to set me straight when I needed it.

I have also been lucky to have many friends whom I look at as inspirations. I have friends who are loving and dedicated fathers and husbands, disciplined hard workers, creative entrepreneurs, gutsy risk takers, and above all else, good and decent people. I’m looking at you, Barry, Steve, John, Mike, Greg, Hasan, and others I might be forgetting. You don’t have to be a generation older to be a male role model, and I appreciate all of you.

For me, Father’s Day tends to be bittersweet. As you can see, I have had many good male role models who have helped to shape me into who I am today. However, it shouldn’t have been the job of a committee of others. The main male role model in anyone’s life should be their actual biological father. Sadly, it is more common for a father to shun their duties of teaching and protecting their kids in favor of being lazy and selfish.

The person who is my father is so in name only. He avoided responsibility in every way possible. It included not paying child support for, you know, supporting the child you helped create. It included making promises to his kids that he routinely broke. It included valuing alcohol over his kids' well-being. It included looking at his kids as walking ATM machines as soon as they started working.

I could have easily become a lazy, selfish, ignorant, drunk, professional victim. I was blessed though, with the men I mentioned above. They taught me how to be a man while my “father” showed me all of the things not to do. To this day, he sits back and whines, wondering why his kids and grandkids want nothing to do with him. Get a mirror and you’ll find your answer.

To all of my second fathers, thank you so much for all of your love, support, and advice. Thank you for helping me build the road I am on. I will keep on doing all I can to be a person you can be proud of. I will do my best to validate all of that support every day of my life. Happy Father’s Day!