1. It is amazing how, despite not drinking alcohol in 6 years, I can still feel hungover. The long, long drive home from western New York to Cape Cod to finish off my movie shoot for The Cabin was as taxing to my body as running a half marathon used to be. I got home at 11pm on a Sunday, quickly unpacked, and collapsed into bed. Normally, if possible, I’d have slept as late as I could have. Unfortunately, past-me figured it would be smart to return my rental car at 9am on Monday. This meant that sleeping in wasn’t possible. Energy drinks helped wake me up much like they did every morning when I was in Pennsylvania. I took advantage of every split second that I had to wake up before heading out. Not wanting to get in any trouble, I stopped and filled the gas tank. I was dreading the drop-off of the car at the Hyannis Airport. One, because the website said for me to have my rental agreement with me. That had been left on my couch, as one would expect. That didn’t end up being an issue, though. Second, I was worried about my adventures down the toll roads when driving from Cape Cod out to Pennsylvania. I thought the rental place might have questions about the tolls, or why I put 1,200 miles on the car I rented. Surprisingly, that was not an issue either, although I did get an email a few days later explaining that my card on file had been charged for the tolls. This was expected. I was a bit surprised that the tolls weren’t more. It ended up being $4.31, which is a bit of a random number. In the end, the rental drop-off went as well as I could have hoped.
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| Back to the airport to drop off the car. |
2. I was lucky that my sister Ashley had offered to pick me up from the airport. This meant that after a text, all I had to do was sit and wait. The airport was quiet. It was Labor Day, but I still thought there might have been more people flying in or out. Then again, the Hyannis airport itself is relatively small, so I don’t know what ‘busy’ looks like there. I sat on a couch in the lounge area scrolling my phone. The entrance doors parted and in walked a very cute girl. Yes, I looked up, and she definitely caught my eye. After checking in at the desk, she wheeled her luggage over and sat down on a couch across from me. This sounds like the start of some cheesy rom-com, but unfortunately that’s not reality. I looked over, not too much, though. All I kept thinking was, ‘What do I say to not become a joke that she tells her friends wherever she’s going?’ Not wanting to be perceived as a creep, I kept quiet until I eventually got up and went outside to sit in the sun. Maybe we would have hit it off, and I missed my chance, but with the way the world is today I didn’t want to risk it. I kept picturing her telling her friends, ‘so this random guy tried to pick me up in the airport lounge.’ That was enough for me to pass.
3. Labor Day Monday, it was a beautiful morning on Cape Cod. Bright sun, low humidity, temperatures in the low 60s. I actually did prefer sitting outside rather than on the couch inside. Too bad that girl didn’t come wandering out. Anyway, I was awaiting my sister Ashley. My brain was like mush after the 10+ hours of driving the day before, so I was off in my own world as time went by. Eventually, I got a text from Ashley saying she was there. I immediately sprang to life and looked around but didn’t see anything that looked like her car. I asked where she was, and she said she was by the car rental drop-off. She said she’d come back around. How had I missed her? I stood up and waited by the curb. It was then that I realized what the problem had been. Ashley had the same SUV for 10 years or more. I was looking for that car when, in reality, only a few weeks earlier she had gotten a new car. So she had driven right past me, and I didn’t bat an eye because I forgot she had gotten a new car. We both had a laugh.
4. The week I had in Pennsylvania was truly one of the best times of my life. An interesting thing happened while I was away, though. Several horrible things happened to my family. My Aunt Amy, my mom’s youngest sister, had a serious medical issue that now requires her to have a more watchful eye placed upon her by the rest of her siblings. That could have been worse, but it was still a major happening. My stepfather, in the span of three weeks, lost both his mother and one of his sisters. His sister died while I was away. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if I lost my mom and one of my sisters in less than a month. With that, all we can do is be there if he needs us, but I try not to push or pry if he doesn’t want it. Lastly, my sister Ashley had to put her beloved dog Buddha down. She got some terrible medical news that told her that his life was going to end soon. Whether that was days or weeks, it wasn’t long. He had been the center of her world for nearly 10 years, and it was heartbreaking that he was gone almost in a flash. She felt guilty about putting him down, but the reality was that he would have kept going downhill and suffering more with each passing day. It doesn’t make the hurt any less, but she did make the right choice. All of that happened during my time off, when I had the best week. It felt as though, to allow for my happiness, the universe had to balance it out by giving suffering to my loved ones.
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| RIP Buddha |
5. It was bittersweet when I stopped at my mother’s to retrieve my car. I was bursting with joy and stories, but with all of the bad that had happened to the family, I felt almost a sense of guilt for wanting to share it. To be fair, they all felt bad as well, like they had no control over the events that happened or their timing. I sat and would tell stories when warranted, but I’d also sit back and listen when my mom or Ashley wanted to share some of what they had gone through. It is a good lesson to be learned. Good times and bad times can happen at the same time. It can be an ebb and flow. I didn’t get upset if my wonderful experiences were somewhat muted on that day. There would, and will, be plenty of time to reflect and reminisce. Sometimes you have to be present and go where the conversation and situation take you. Sure, I’d love to have been celebrated like a returning hero or something like that. Even if it didn’t happen like that, it doesn’t mean my family wasn’t happy for me. Plus, with the holidays coming up in a flash, I will have ample opportunity to regale the family with stories of my adventures filming The Cabin.
6. The most difficult part of my return to the daily grind of my everyday life was feeling like I was being stuffed into a box that no longer fit. I honestly do try to enjoy each moment, each adventure, and be present and grateful. However, I will also admit that every time I have something amazing happen in a part of my life where my passion lies, and then I have to go back to the daily grind, I feel let down. I feel like each time I am forced back into my cage, I have failed. I feel like I am given a chance to break through in one of the creative fields that drives me, and then when I have to go back to my day job, I am like a defeated animal with my tail tucked between my legs. This feeling drives me to put my all into any creative opportunity that I have, but it also takes away from the opportunity itself. I have this underlying sense of desperation at all times. I am not 25 and stepping through the doors for the first time. I am rapidly closing in on 50 and have spent 20 years knocking on doors, windows, anything that might show me the way. I don’t mind the grind, but the grind without the progress can feel pointless. I felt that way when returning to work after filming The Cabin. It was like a hangover. I could not concentrate for days. Anytime I wasn’t actively doing something, I felt restless, like I needed to be at home working on another project to help me capitalize on the momentum. It took a while to settle back into the ‘normalcy’ of daily life.
7. When dealing with a dopamine crash like I have been doing since returning from filming The Cabin, you kind of do what you have to do to feel better. For me, since I couldn’t immediately start work on another movie, and I didn’t have another book event until the first week of October, I had to find things that gave me that same satisfaction as the movie shoot did. The easiest thing to do is to eat the foods that make you happy. No, these are typically not vegetables and other healthy options. When I feel down, I go for the worst. Fast food, pizza, Chinese food, cereal, junk food snacks. During my road trip, I didn’t have the time or the bandwidth to stop and slow down and choose meals wisely. I had to get whatever took the least amount of effort. That was usually one of the options I named above. So once back home and feeling pretty deflated, I went back to those foods. Since I was eating them while on the movie shoot, it was the quickest and easiest way to mimic those good feelings I had while I was in Pennsylvania. I have also learned in the last several years when dealing with rough times that it’s okay to allow yourself to do what you have to do to get through that stretch of time. When I was a distance runner, which ended in 2019 due to injuries, I never would have allowed myself to indulge. I was borderline obsessed with my physical appearance. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look as good as you can, but I know now it was an obsession based on how my brain has reacted since those days ended. I forced myself to be as restricted as possible in my diet, and now when I get the chance to eat some unhealthy foods, my brain is more than happy to dive in headfirst. I am sure this current dopamine crash after the movie shoot will end, likely only when I start doing another exciting project. Until that time, it’s just going day by day and doing the best I can to navigate this stretch of time.
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| I have seen quite a bit of these over the last few years. |
8. I had made a vow before heading out to Pennsylvania that while I was there I’d take every opportunity to get behind-the-scenes photos and videos. I did not disappoint myself. Immediately upon returning to Cape Cod, I started working on putting some videos together. Each day I was on location, I shot a vlog detailing what had happened the previous day. These ended up being invaluable because I was recalling in real time what had happened. When I returned to Cape Cod, I realized just how overstuffed my brain was. It was like I crammed a month’s worth of memories into a week. Naturally, some things would have been lost if I hadn’t been so diligent with my footage. I could realistically end up with a couple dozen different pieces of content from what I shot. From the vlogs, to a large cast interview, to individual cast interviews, random scenery, and more, I could stitch together weekly content from now until the end of the year. If nothing else, through my content creator journey, and probably long before that, I have become an advanced-level self-promoter. When I first wrote and self-published ebooks in 2007, including The Cabin, I knew I had to be the one to promote myself. It’s nice to have family and friends every now and then share your work, but you can’t depend on anyone but yourself to share your creations with the wider world. I have always said that if you are in any sort of creative field and someone else is promoting your work more than you are, then you really aren’t putting in the work. I still believe and stand by that. So get ready for loads of Cabin content. Actually, that includes this blog as well, so you’re already a part of it.
9. There is a popular saying: Strike while the iron is hot. It basically means that when you have momentum, you keep moving forward, even if you’re a bit tired and worn out. In order to stave off the dopamine crash, I have been trying to fill my calendar with projects that are in my wheelhouse as far as passions go. Book events, interviews, developing content, these are all things that I have been doing. One thing that came up faster than expected was a script for a potential second feature film. Yes, I had an idea for the next movie. It is in the same vein as The Cabin as far as cast size and budget. Small and relatively cheap. However, I had thought that it would be next spring when I’d start working on that script. Then I got a message from my friend Frank, who said there might be someone interested in investing in that film. They want to see what the film is all about before putting any money into it. That means the time to work on the script was now. I put myself on lockdown to try to get the first draft done as soon as possible. It didn’t have to be perfect, just a placeholder for the potential investor to see. As of this blog, the first draft of the script is done. However, it won’t be known if we have an investor likely for a little while. Like I said, you have to strike while the iron is hot. Who knows, if I said I couldn’t get the script done until the spring, the investor might have said they weren’t interested anymore.
10. I guess if I had to sum up my experience with The Cabin, it would come down to one word: gratitude. I am so grateful to have so many wonderful people in my life. I have had family that has always supported my dreams and goals. I have had friends who have become chosen family and not let me give up on myself. Hell, a lot of these people have believed in me and my dreams more than I have at times. Through issues of self-worth, through crises of confidence, good times, and bad times, I have been so lucky to have who I do in my life. This is not limited to those I have known for twenty or thirty years or more. I have found newer people that have drifted into my orbit, sometimes out of nowhere, who have helped to supply my passions with a fresh boost of rocket fuel. I work hard, and have for going on twenty years. When it comes to my creative endeavors, I will put in as much work as I need to. When people are willing to put their money behind something I have wanted for so long, it humbles and inspires me. I’m not saying that the only way to support me is financially, but movies don’t come cheap. I put in some of my own money, but it took a village of family, friends, and some total strangers to make The Cabin happen. Those people believed in the project; the director, Mark Polonia, believed in the project. Everyone who acted in the film or had anything to do with it, they all believed in it. I believe that we created something fun and unique. We worked hard to validate those beliefs. In the end, I am so grateful. I am grateful for the opportunity. I am grateful for the experience and all that I learned during my time on location. I am grateful for those who believe in me. I am grateful for those who helped bring this film to life. Thank you all, and here’s to the next exciting chapter not just of The Cabin, but of the movie that I like to call my life.
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| Thank you everyone! |
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