This is a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It also will show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 1999. I was still in college but was rapidly approaching the Quarter-Life Crisis turning 21 years old.
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Blue Shadows
I’m a pink rubberband, a pink rubberband
Stretching my way up reaching for the sky
I’m a prosthetic head, a prosthetic head
Can’t feel anything, don’t know why
So sad that I have nothing, need someone to give me something
I’m a link on a chain, a link on a chain
Connecting many, still just passed over again and again
I’m a crack on the mirror, a crack on the mirror
A distraction in the midst of a perfect reflection
So sad that I am nothing, need someone to make me something
I am so many things but I’m still nothing at all
Contrast and conflict and rise without fall
Don’t want to wish for tomorrow, the future is approaching
Moments only last for one second, then disappear into memory
to blossom and live on in eternity, I’m still here, I’m still here
I’m a flower on a grave, a flower on a grave
A new beginning revealed from a sad reminder of what once was
I’m the wick of the flame, the wick of the flame
Keeping the warmth and light for those who need me there,
but blown out into frigid emptiness by souls who do not care
So sad that I’m left with nothing, need someone to share something
I am the glimmer of hope in a young boy’s eyes, the silent hope
and wishful bliss of a world not yet realized
I am the winds of change blowing through the hair of a young girl,
staring intently as her family removes the weight of the world
So sad we believe in nothing, I’m happy to be something,
and giving rays of hope to all who need me there
I am so many things but I’m still nothing at all
Contrast and conflict and rise without fall
Don’t want to wish for tomorrow, the future is approaching
Moments only last for one second, then disappear into memory
to blossom and live on in eternity, I’m still here, I am still here
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Experience
Your love drains me dry. I’ve gone blind a thousand times, and deaf until the sweet sound of your breath can no longer be heard. I’m boiling over on the inside, opened wide to be drowned in you. And I’m gonna take you, and make you, and do what I feel, cause that’s the only way you’ll know that it’s real. I wanna feel your shock as it hits you hard, the obsession for the flame, the desire with the pain. You can swallow the regrets, choking on your own words, it’s the darkness that tells the story here. There’s a poison in the air, hanging over the hidden dangers, I don’t even care. Push it all away, running to and from the first taste, first touch insane. And it falls, I can feel it calling, mystery’s unfolding, my heart and head no longer controlling, give in. Hope it ends if only to begin again. I die a little each time, grow weaker as higher mountains to climb. Crash and crumble over the top to feel the first drops, calm before a sweet summer storm. Wait for it all to subside, before burning the bridges let the calm set back in. Break through, come dancing in that mischievous grin hide what’s going on inside. With the howling winds tearing at my hair I lose the grasp on reality, world spins where I stare. Through time and space, warm wine and ice, the mountains become waterfalls, down it I slide. Gently touch down on the water’s softened floor and float helplessly among the remaining ripples that carry me to the shore.
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Smokescreen
Kneeling in a crawlspace, just short of reality. Pause, rewind, pause, slow, eyes and ears and hands all decide themselves. Flying through clouds, a cement wall surrounds the mind, words won’t get in. So clear is the mist, so blurred is black and white, so loud the silence, so quiet can’t taste the feeling. Want the world, want the girl, know it can’t show it, know it’s too calm to make waves. Looking stupid on center stage, no reviews til morning. Slipping over the idea, reality is now here more than anywhere. Is it experience relaxes you? Having been there, having not been there gives the fear. Fear the ignorant smokescreen won’t return. Alone in the crowd, alone in yourself, alone with the voices. Tears fall like rain, rain falls in buckets, sorrow comes in every window. God can’t help, why ask Him? Awake is safe, sleeping dreams could kill now, awake is life, sleep is death. Tell the truth, inside is right, eat the lies, outside shakes and burns. Maybe the answer’s there, maybe you’ll listen. It is darkest before light, the light is blackened now, you’re a deer in its headlights. Wish hard enough and it will go away, pray long enough and the sun will rise again. The sun will rise again.
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When I Dream
Floating out of this contagious world. It’s when I dream that I know I’ll see you again someday. We’ll talk and laugh of the times we knew long ago. Go deep into a thought to pull out the moment that makes a memory special. That day out on the water, months of soul searching as one. Eat, sleep, and breathe this dream to make it all seem real again.
Floating out of this contagious world. It’s when I dream, where I meet you each night. Playing games and placing blame, how, why, don’t even try. Fumble around for an answer, like holding a handful of water to see what will remain. Those years on the ground when nothing else mattered. Bleed, sweat, and cry for this dream, to make it all seem worth it. Floating out of this contagious world. It’s when I dream that I know I’ll see you again someday.
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