1999: My Life In Poetry Form(Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It will also show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 1999. I was still in college but was rapidly approaching the Quarter-Life Crisis turning 21 years old.

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Chips, Beer, and Boredom

Bored with life, nothing’s happening. Time is a mile-long journey per second, or so it seems. The silence of sound is deafening, but could it be any louder? It’s weird how the deadest of silence feels more intense than massive noise.

Bored with progress, everything is stalled. Need to kick start today, or get ahead on tomorrow. Bubbling under the lazy man’s face is the soul filled with lightning, flashing, and waiting for something to race. But in this dull and slow-paced world, it lay dormant; perhaps it will never reveal itself. A loud crash, not shaking me from this path I’m on. A compass with a predetermined destination can’t juggle fate, can’t change expectations.

Bored with it all, the cry of the feeble-minded. There’s always a way, just need to look with the mind, not just the eyes. Sinking in before it’s too late, color the air blind to avoid the realization of self-destruction. Thought the slate was cleaned for me, looks like I’ll have to do it myself. Being bored is bad for your health.

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I Fell

Once I fell in love, glasses and pigtails, all her world I felt in a hug. She a part-time interest with the miles to prove so. Spend 24/7 for 365 to get that one glimpse to keep me alive. The minutes we had together were minutes heaven sent. Months in between, I spent missing her, I thought was time well spent. But then I grew up. The letters and pictures that further disconnected her image from my mind couldn’t fill the hole. Didn’t want to hold on to hope, to hang on like a fool to the feelings for the sake of them. So I let go, and I moved on, to find out what lay up ahead.

Once I fell in love, bright eyes masking sunshine, blonde hair, couldn’t help but stare. She would stay a prisoner in my mind, with images emblazoned by the masses, it seemed to be the right time. Wanted so badly to be that guy, just a kid myself, to be him was not right. Shining armor with a backpack besides, guess when it’s perfection you’re thinking, the flaws are what decide. But then I wised up. Dreams of a place I’d never see weighed too heavy to stop from being free. Couldn’t stand the backward thoughts she felt, wouldn’t wait until she came around. Took me a while, but I walked on, left that door locked to keep the memories as just that, left ‘em all behind.

Once I fell in lust, thrown together oil and water, mix to fix and force the sense. Day after week after month spent trying to show false feelings and give in to lying. Saved her soul by being a hero, pedestal the excuse to stay near her. Made myself believe what wasn’t true, she was an option to being alone, just a time killer, only a space filler. But then I sobered up. Rays of light broken drunken spells, swallowed on mortality, grew the balls to let it fall away. I thought it was painful, a 180 to convince what was once unreachable, but I lived on. Hold was let go, mistakes and words unspoken, finally freedom welcomed me.

Once I fell in love, a seemingly untouchable goddess. She a ladder to heaven, blind eyes to my bruised senses. This love beat me into submission, her shake and twist led to heartfelt admissions. Sat and waited, empty bottle with a half-full glass. Sense from nonsense, knowledge from ignorance. Then I gathered up the words key to open my cell. So I marched on, up to her and revealed my identity, true expression, the lasting impression. Like a million pounds lifted, my feather in the wind floating body carried away with her response. I lived a hundred lifetimes for what I have right now, the time I fell in love with someone who loved me too.

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Recyclable Tupperware

She’s breakin’ up with me on my deathbed. Says time’s come to think about herself. It couldn’t wait another minute. She’s my savior, I’m her plague, and her loving pain’s pushed me to the limit.

She can’t cash in on a will I haven’t signed.

She can’t deny that her love for me has declined.

She wants me to climb her thorny vines.

She wants me to taste her rose garden.

But she won’t tell me that I’m okay.

She’s breakin’ up with me on my deathbed. Says we’ve grown apart in the last few hours. It couldn’t wait another minute. She’s my queen, I’m her pawn, and her hands are so gentle as she tears my heart out.

She melts my resolve with her eyes.

She leaves me stranded in a dream.

She’s chasing me down a dead-end street.

I stop to look behind and she runs away.

But she’ll chase again when I decide to run.

She’s breakin’ up with me on my deathbed. Says time’s come to move on. It couldn’t wait another minute. She’s my china, I’m her Tupperware, and she turns on the generator after pulling the plug, but she won’t tell me she loves me.

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Three Chord Romance

Tonight it feels like forever’s not long enough.

Tonight feels like I’ll never let go.

I believe in the fantasies and the words we dare not say.

Tonight is all rolled into one, dreams for which we pray.

You were there through this fantastic journey I made, you remained,

when the silence of the night crept in you stayed.

I believe I found it in your smile, brightly lit, asking me to stay a while.

I’d like to keep it simple right now, don’t want you to get the wrong idea,

but I’m not sure if I want the right one to slip out yet.

I got caught in the middle of confessions, deepest revelations,

the rest was swept away with the brush of your hair.

For now I’m stuck with half a thought that doesn’t make any sense.

You knowing the truth, the secret being out, 

would take the magic from my daydreams.

So many times I whispered your name into the trees and hoped it’d carry to you on the hint of a summer’s breeze.

If in our bliss the moon should fall, we’ll pick it back up,

put on a pedestal of stones thrown and collected.

Then we’ll lie in the shadows, a future of flowering meadows,

and let time drift by with the clouds.

Even when you have to go, the pain I feel helps my spirit grow,

cause if the first time never ends, how can the next time ever begin?

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1999: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It also will show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 1999. I was still in college but was rapidly approaching the Quarter-Life Crisis turning 21 years old.

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Blue Shadows

I’m a pink rubberband, a pink rubberband

Stretching my way up reaching for the sky

I’m a prosthetic head, a prosthetic head

Can’t feel anything, don’t know why

So sad that I have nothing, need someone to give me something

I’m a link on a chain, a link on a chain

Connecting many, still just passed over again and again

I’m a crack on the mirror, a crack on the mirror

A distraction in the midst of a perfect reflection

So sad that I am nothing, need someone to make me something

I am so many things but I’m still nothing at all

Contrast and conflict and rise without fall

Don’t want to wish for tomorrow, the future is approaching

Moments only last for one second, then disappear into memory

to blossom and live on in eternity, I’m still here, I’m still here

I’m a flower on a grave, a flower on a grave

A new beginning revealed from a sad reminder of what once was

I’m the wick of the flame, the wick of the flame

Keeping the warmth and light for those who need me there,

but blown out into frigid emptiness by souls who do not care

So sad that I’m left with nothing, need someone to share something

I am the glimmer of hope in a young boy’s eyes, the silent hope

and wishful bliss of a world not yet realized

I am the winds of change blowing through the hair of a young girl,

staring intently as her family removes the weight of the world

So sad we believe in nothing, I’m happy to be something,

and giving rays of hope to all who need me there

I am so many things but I’m still nothing at all

Contrast and conflict and rise without fall

Don’t want to wish for tomorrow, the future is approaching

Moments only last for one second, then disappear into memory

to blossom and live on in eternity, I’m still here, I am still here

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Experience

Your love drains me dry. I’ve gone blind a thousand times, and deaf until the sweet sound of your breath can no longer be heard. I’m boiling over on the inside, opened wide to be drowned in you. And I’m gonna take you, and make you, and do what I feel, cause that’s the only way you’ll know that it’s real. I wanna feel your shock as it hits you hard, the obsession for the flame, the desire with the pain. You can swallow the regrets, choking on your own words, it’s the darkness that tells the story here. There’s a poison in the air, hanging over the hidden dangers, I don’t even care. Push it all away, running to and from the first taste, first touch insane. And it falls, I can feel it calling, mystery’s unfolding, my heart and head no longer controlling, give in. Hope it ends if only to begin again. I die a little each time, grow weaker as higher mountains to climb. Crash and crumble over the top to feel the first drops, calm before a sweet summer storm. Wait for it all to subside, before burning the bridges let the calm set back in. Break through, come dancing in that mischievous grin hide what’s going on inside. With the howling winds tearing at my hair I lose the grasp on reality, world spins where I stare. Through time and space, warm wine and ice, the mountains become waterfalls, down it I slide. Gently touch down on the water’s softened floor and float helplessly among the remaining ripples that carry me to the shore.

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Smokescreen

Kneeling in a crawlspace, just short of reality. Pause, rewind, pause, slow, eyes and ears and hands all decide themselves. Flying through clouds, a cement wall surrounds the mind, words won’t get in. So clear is the mist, so blurred is black and white, so loud the silence, so quiet can’t taste the feeling. Want the world, want the girl, know it can’t show it, know it’s too calm to make waves. Looking stupid on center stage, no reviews til morning. Slipping over the idea, reality is now here more than anywhere. Is it experience relaxes you? Having been there, having not been there gives the fear. Fear the ignorant smokescreen won’t return. Alone in the crowd, alone in yourself, alone with the voices. Tears fall like rain, rain falls in buckets, sorrow comes in every window. God can’t help, why ask Him? Awake is safe, sleeping dreams could kill now, awake is life, sleep is death. Tell the truth, inside is right, eat the lies, outside shakes and burns. Maybe the answer’s there, maybe you’ll listen. It is darkest before light, the light is blackened now, you’re a deer in its headlights. Wish hard enough and it will go away, pray long enough and the sun will rise again. The sun will rise again.

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When I Dream

Floating out of this contagious world. It’s when I dream that I know I’ll see you again someday. We’ll talk and laugh of the times we knew long ago. Go deep into a thought to pull out the moment that makes a memory special. That day out on the water, months of soul searching as one. Eat, sleep, and breathe this dream to make it all seem real again.

Floating out of this contagious world. It’s when I dream, where I meet you each night. Playing games and placing blame, how, why, don’t even try. Fumble around for an answer, like holding a handful of water to see what will remain. Those years on the ground when nothing else mattered. Bleed, sweat, and cry for this dream, to make it all seem worth it. Floating out of this contagious world. It’s when I dream that I know I’ll see you again someday.

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1999: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This will be a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It also will show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 1999. I was still in college but was rapidly approaching the Quarter-Life Crisis turning 21 years old.

Blink

Your incense kisses sing me a song. When I breathe your thoughts, I just wanna sing along. So close we stand, I can almost hear your heartbeat, looking deep inside to see what I can do to win its affection. Smile so gently with heat warming me, watching all your movements like waves upon the sea. My desires feel overwhelming, and your voice can stir me up, just one word. It’s just what I think, it’s only when I sleep that I blink. The hardest part of tomorrow is one day without you. A page left unwritten, a blank space in time, it’s only when I’m alone do I blink, when I’m near you I’ve no chance to think. I can’t say if we’ll make it when the cold sets in. I can only say I’d wait for you, no matter who or what I’d wait for you. Cause it’s you when I wake. If I’d known paradise to be fleeting never would I forsake the time when I don’t blink. The seasons change to take your smile away, then I’ll blink, in my mind, you’ll remain. Remember to know I’ll be waiting in my world for you, in my world we’ll dance into the sunset together. I’ll never blink again, won’t lose your picture. Don’t want to make it hard for you to see, where the shadows don’t stretch as far is where I hide. I just want to be found, want you to look for me. I’m spinning just out of reach, take my hand and pull me close, we’ll fade into the shadows. Where their voices and minds will be numb to our lives, eyes and ears pass over and move on. So close are we now I can hear you speak softly, I strain to catch every sound. I want to know what you think, only when you’re gone will I blink. When it grows cold, when our time is over, when I can’t hear your heartbeat when I’m not stirred by a smile, when I’ve no one to sing to. The hardest part of today will be when I know I won’t see you tomorrow. When I blink and you won’t be there, I’ll be waiting, for when the song returns, I’ll be here still

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Sense Unsensed

How long is too long to wait for the one you want?

There’s only so much time that can be spent looking at one who doesn’t look back.

Where is the sign that will point me in the right direction?

Where is the light to shine on my path to happiness?

How can I be sure I’m not missing something on the other side of the fence.

When you can’t see over or through, only assume it’s there.

With the time spent on the foundation, 

do I dare say it was time well wasted?

Maybe she’ll never come around, 

and I can’t tell you what to think, how to feel.

All I can do is think, god damn, if only situations like this were clearer to solve.

Is it worth the wait? What if my wait spills over into forever? Would I still anyway?

Gotta believe she’s everything I dream.

But gotta realize a dream is all she may be to me.

When is the right time to break your own heart? 

To regroup in disappointment.

To finally admit in the sad reality of your mind that you will not get that far off fantasy.

Gotta believe that it was meant to be this way.

That somewhere out there lies another day.

Where fantasy and reality mix with brilliant flashes of color and light.

Where I’ve another hand to walk with in the night.

Gotta believe there’s another one who’s searching as well.

Gotta believe that in time I will find her.

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Mirror and Shadow

There’s a sound that’s rolling this way from across the hill. It’s not lost on me, as nature’s heartbeat calls to me, calls me home. On the verge of something, I know not what, but it’s a life changer I can assure. Angels whisper my name, for so long I was scared to answer, but now I can, I can take your hand. Please be gentle as you carry me where my future lies, my eyes may not be ready for some things they’re about to see. Be careful not to break me down, break my heart. My time with a mirrored skin hiding myself has come full circle, now it’s you reflecting me, and I can finally see myself in your eyes and on your face.

There’s a figure taking shape from the shadows stretching across the hill. It’s no longer a mystery, that figure is me. I am a mirror and a shadow, hand in hand, the figure is me and I’m ready to move. Stare into my eyes, please be gentle with this gift, I may not be ready for some of the powers it possesses. Be careful not to break me down, break my heart. Now I run to meet myself in the valley among the swirling winds of passion for life never known before. I hold my hands to the sky for the angels to do as they will, the figure is me, a mirror and a shadow are what I am. I can live now, I can take your hand and live now.

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Thirty-One

I have to rewind my mind. Going back to find that wisdom, ignorance keeps me blind. You can’t take it with you, so I’ll wait until it decides it wants to come with me. Stopped moving up, stuck in place, helping to piece back together the shattered vase. There’s a small fire beginning to burn. Do I fan it? Or pour more gas on it and try to control where it goes? The thought of a sunny day can’t stop the rain, and one sponge won’t suck up all the troubles that worry us now. Pleas and pleasures we give and receive will still come without regard to location or desire. This place, we’re here now, the smoke has not settled in to separate us yet. Follow hopefully the carrot on a string, a sad sight to seem so desperate. Strikes twelve again and the pumpkin we ride has fallen, but outside this deja vu lies strength unwavering by a nightfall at dawn. Pity silent prophets we can’t hear you singing, to give us hope on tomorrow’s wings, to tell us that all together we belong. An instant of waiting for the cell door to open, a free ride to the border, all clear and no fear. Just waiting for time. I pull leaves off the trees, turn the hands of the clock to make it speed up, drown spring in summer, and fall into winter. Just waiting for time to catch up. Blindfolded, jump feet first into the whispers of what may be, plugged up to miss the word, an excuse to ignore what you’ve already heard. As the wire we balance on shortens there is less unknown, it all becomes fact. As the boat we missed sails away cursed on opportunities, wasted becomes reality. Pass no blame onward, let it go, and drop no tears to the floor, we all have to go some time. History repeats like a record it won’t stop until the end. Only when you grab the arm and move it yourself, don’t let it skip a beat, let the future play its song.

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1998: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

This will be a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It also will show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 1998. I was still in college and had left my teens behind turning 20 years old.

Fantasy At the Counter

I see you standing there alone, you have been my fantasy for a while.

There’s so much I want to say, 

I lose the words like a little child.

You might need time for your heart to mend, 

but I can’t wait and I can’t pretend.

I’ve got it bad girl, you’re my fantasy, can’t you see?

When I look at you I see the future, 

see the other half of my life.

I will hold you up when you can’t stand. 

When you cry I will dry your eyes.

I’ve wanted you for so long, 

and I can’t keep quiet anymore.

I’d like to take my time, but it’s not on my side.

I’d love to say these words without them coming out wrong.

I’d love to skip the intros and go straight to love.

It’s a hard feeling to hide, when you fit me like a glove.

I’ve got it bad girl, you’re my fantasy, can’t you see?

When I look at you I see everything, 

see you for the beauty you bring.

When you’re lost and lonely, I will give you my hand. When you feel the world is falling down, I will try to understand. I’ve loved you for so long,

and I can’t hold back anymore.

I see you standing there and hope you see me.

It’s hard to pretend but it’s harder for the truth not to show.

I want to grab you and kiss you every time you are near. In one moment make everything clear. 

I’ll never waste the day I get the chance to make you mine.

I beg every night that someday I’ll stay in your mind for more than a moment.

I need to feel you close and be the one you chose.

I can’t stop now I’ve gone so far, I need your love I don’t want it to be hard. I see you standing there, my fantasy but will you care? I’ve wanted you for so long,

and I can’t keep quiet anymore.

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Madness

The future’s still unknown, 

unsure I step into the haunting darkness.

Eyes wide shut I feel alone, 

underneath this heavy helplessness.

Blurry thoughts race through my mind like headlights on my bedroom wall, light up my heart with false hopes, just as quickly disappear into the night air.

Say a prayer for me cause life isn’t fun anymore.

When the darkness fills in I can still see the doubt.

Is there nothing to help me out, 

what’s this life of mine all about?

Will I have to wait, 

when I’m dead inside will this madness end, unable to feel.

Constantly, constantly bothered by my worries of despair.

Bothered and shadowed, others fear pumped into me,

telling my eyes to see what’s not there.

Oh god, oh god please hear me as I cry out in the night.

Take this shit hole existence away, get this god damn joke of a life out of my sight!

The waiting game now placing a check mate on my dreams.

One day it’s one way, moments later I’m inside out of myself.

But I’ve survived this long, can’t and won’t ever quit now.

I won’t stop living, I won’t stop loving, 

building strength from my pains.

Say a prayer for me, come back when life is fun again.

When the darkness fills in with the hope and peace brought with it.

There will be help for all of us, 

fate will never completely shut you out.

This madness will end in time, 

we all need to survive it for god’s sake.

It’s for the others who have lost their way, 

I won’t make that mistake.

So here’s to everyone whose life could be better,

don’t ever stop living, the madness will end.

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Sunshine

Goodbye sunshine.

Your angel wings carry you through the light, to the other side.

No more you, no more us, no more together,

but alone we’ll remain as one forever.

Watch as your image fades from my eyes, 

I’ll close them and hope that last picture never fades. I’d never open them again if I knew it would stay here forever.

Sometimes I’ll catch myself dreaming on those cold and rainy winter days. Seeing you stand and smile, I reach out for you only to touch the air. I’ll wait for hours in the darkness for a sign, 

for you to show me anything.

Goodbye blue sky.

The tears you drop on me will not dim my light.

No more pain and no more sorrow, no more together,

but alone we’ll remain as one forever.

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When the Music Plays

Do you really feel the way you claim?

Or do the words mask the reality your heart hides away?

You say that you’re happy, as the tears come falling down

You say that you’re in love, cause there was no one else around.

Your tunnel vision blinded eyes, looking through the truth,

keep your feelings swallowed deep, hidden underneath.

Don’t be afraid of love hidden deep inside.

Don’t be afraid to step out of yourself and see it in your own eyes.

Keep your back to the wall, where the photographs hung

and keep your fingers in your ears when the music plays.

Tell yourself over and over what you think is true,

maybe in time you’ll really believe it.

East Coast, West Coast go where you want to, 

ring with the title, figure that suits you.

Humble beginnings, saddened end, 

mixed the signals I meant to send.

Did I confuse you, or was that the truth slipping out,

you are so quick to cover any love over with hate.

No, I won’t give you pain. No, I won’t give you sorrow.

I know I screwed up yesterday. But the sunset of today opens our eyes to a brighter tomorrow.

Keep your back to the wall, where the photographs hung, and keep your fingers in your ears to block out when the music plays.

Tell yourself over and over what you want to be true,

maybe in time you’ll really receive it.

You tell me you’re happy, the reflections lie to you.

You tell me you’re in love, with no one to turn to.

You tell me you’re in love, is it the truth now...

(it’s not the truth now is it?)

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1997 My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This will be a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It also will show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 1997. I was in my first year of college and was 19 years old.

1996 My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This will be a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It also will show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is the earliest year. 1996. I graduated from high school and was 18 years old.