Wait, Did I Just Almost Get Robbed?: A 1990s Summertime Tale

Wait, did I just almost get robbed?

That was the thought that was swirling through my head after one of the strangest encounters of my teenage years. The answer was, maybe? I guess?

For this story, we need to take a trip back to the good old days of the 1990s. The summer of 1995, to be more specific. It was nearing the end of the summer, at least the part of the summer where kids were out of school.

I was seventeen years old and getting ready to begin my senior year of high school. Being that it was the 90s, and I was a nice, responsible young man, I had already been working during the summers for the last five years.

Granted, I wasn’t raking in loads of cash as a dishwasher and food prep boy, but it was good enough that I was looking to secure a little bit of a status symbol. No, it wasn’t a car, or some fancy sneakers, or anything like that. What I wanted was something different. I wanted something to show off my minuscule financial wealth to my friends. I wanted an ATM card.

ATM cards, debit cards, whatever you want to call them, had been popular since the 1980s. Before then, you had to go inside the bank and write a slip and go to a teller to withdraw money.

Being an introvert, having a way to get money from my bank account without having to talk to anyone was a dream come true. The bank I had my account through was Cape Cod Bank & Trust. They went out of business after being bought in a merger in 2004, to show how old I am.

Typically if I was out riding bikes with my friends, I’d stop at a CCB&T ATM so I wouldn’t incur a ridiculous user fee. However, for this story I would have had to have gone in the opposite direction to where I wanted to go to find a branch. I decided the dollar surcharge, which I believe is what it was at the time, was worth it.

It was later in August. The sun was setting around 7:30pm on Cape Cod. I wanted to get some money from the ATM and then hit up the nearest convenience store for some surely healthy snacks. It was probably some bottles of Jolt Cola to fuel late-night outdoor adventures.

My friend Rob came along. It was getting close to dusk. We had been having fun messing around after dinner, so we started off from my house later than we should have. Our neighborhood was always quiet, so we rode right down the middle of the road as the streetlights began popping on over our heads.

At this time in 1995, the nearest ATM I knew of was a branch of Cape Cod 5 located on the outer edge of a shopping plaza near a highway entrance. The ride to that ATM was roughly 1.5 miles. We were in the parking lot in a little over ten minutes.

The bank in question.

Rob and I laid our bikes in the grass. This ATM was an indoor one. I had to slide my card into a reader to get the door to open after hours. Being teenage boys, neither of us looked around as we did this.

I slid my card through; the door beeped, and we both entered. I was laughing at something funny that Rob had said. I wish I could remember what it was. Suddenly the laughter was cut short by banging on the door.

We both spun around, and standing at the glass door was a man. It was hard to tell how old he was, as the light was brighter inside the bank than outside, so he was silhouetted. What was for sure was he was trying to get in.

He banged on the door again, and this time he began shouting.

“Access the door!” He screamed. Rob and I were both confused and scared. I believe one of us shouted, ‘What?’ This only angered this guy more. “Access the door!” The man shouted again.

This was 1995. Neither Rob nor I had cell phones. There were payphones nearby, but this would have meant having to go outside and past this stranger who was furiously trying to get inside with us.

We needed one of these inside the bank.

Looking back, I don’t know what the best course of action would have been. Fear took over a little, and I foolishly opened the bank door to let this person in.

Why was he there? Because he believed that we were thieves who had somehow stolen someone’s ATM card and were now going to use it to steal their money.

How do I know that? Because he said as much as he angrily demanded that I give him my card. That was a bridge too far. I refused and told him it was mine as he accused me of being a thief.

This man had to be over fifty. I have no idea where he had been or what led him to think that pursuing a pair of teenage boys into a bank after hours was a good idea, but it was irrelevant at that point. We were trapped as he stood looming over us.

“I’m going to watch you as you make this transaction,” the angry man said. I think he thought he was calling my bluff. Rob stayed facing the man while I turned my back. I punched in my code, hiding it from the man.

I believe I withdrew ten dollars. The machine spat out the cash. I quickly grabbed it and stuffed it into my wallet along with my card again. At this point I turned around and faced the man.

Seeing that it was indeed my ATM card and that we weren’t thieves, he muttered ‘ok’ or something dumb before getting out of there as fast as he could. He must have had an epiphany of how the whole situation looked and knew he had screwed up.

Rob and I waited a minute or two before stepping out into the darkness. It was a beautiful, if humid, night on Cape Cod. We were thrilled that the lunatic hadn’t done any damage to, or stolen, our bikes.

I can’t remember what exactly we said to each other after, but I am sure it was something along the lines of ‘what the hell just happened?’ We had gone to grab a little cash for a snack run and ended up in the middle of a scene from America’s Most Wanted.

Teenagers are resilient though. We hadn’t been hurt. We hadn’t been robbed. So we chalked it up to some idiot thinking he was going to be a hero but ended up being a complete jackass.

We still did our snack run. We returned to my house, and there were a few other kids around. In the 1990s and in that neighborhood, darkness didn’t mean everyone went inside. Rob and I dropped our bikes in the wood chips at the very edge of the front yard near the quiet street.

Loads of bikes in the front yard were common in the 90s

The retelling of our story likely began with ‘you won’t believe what happened.’ I remember telling the story to at least one of my sisters, maybe one of Rob’s brothers and my brother, and also Mikey, who was down visiting Cape Cod during weekends in the summer as he did back then.

As the years go by and some details, like what we got at the convenience store after, get hazy, I still firmly remember the sound of the banging on the glass door and that guy shouting for us to ‘access the door.’

The other kids looked at us in shock and awe. We had survived a brush with death, or at least we made it sound like we did. It was certainly not an average adventure that I was used to on Cape Cod.

I can’t remember when I told my mother about what had happened. I know that when Rob told his mother, she was livid. She wanted to go to Cape Cod 5 the next business day and ask them to check the security footage to see the guy who had caused this trouble. Nothing came of it, though.

It has been thirty-one years since a man shouted at me to access the door of a dark and relatively isolated ATM. I have never had an experience like that again. I will say that I didn’t go back to that Cape Cod 5 ATM for any withdrawals for many years. It was like I expected that weirdo to be lurking in the bushes waiting for me to come back.

For as much as Rob and I made jokes about that guy after the fact, there is no denying that it was a scary situation while it was happening. Until he vanished into the night, there was no telling how things were going to end.

He could have been an addict trying to get some cash for drugs. He could have had a gun, or a knife. He could have been a whack job looking to get his rocks off by assaulting teenage boys. These were all real possibilities as we stood face to face with an angry older stranger.

Luckily it never got to that. I stupidly accessed the door, and then he watched ominously while I used my ATM card to withdraw some of the money I had earned by working. Then he scurried away after realizing what a stupid mistake he had made.

I do wonder if we had tried, if Rob and I could have beat the hell out of him. It would have been the ultimate irony. This guy thinks he’s going to foil some thieving kids like he’s a Scooby-Doo villain, but we end up not only not being thieves but then whopping his ass.

That Cape Cod 5 location is still in business, and on the off chance I go by there, I can still hear ‘access the door’ ringing in my ears. I wonder what ever happened to that guy? Did he ever tell the story to someone? He probably didn’t. Or if he did, in his version, he thwarted a pair of giant meathead guys trying to rob a little old lady.

I am so blessed and lucky to have grown up when I did. There really will never be another time like the 1990s. It was the last decade where you weren’t bound by technology. When you spent summer outside until the streetlights came on, and sometimes even after.

It was a time I wish I could go back to. A time that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Even if every now and then you had to deal with creepy older guys looking to chaperone your bank visit. But hey, that’s a fair trade for all of the good stuff.

The 90s on Cape Cod were something else.

2004: My Life In Poetry Form (Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2004. I was 26 years old. I had met one of the most important people and was in the midst of an important relationship in my life. It highly affected my writing.

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Raindrops

Staring out of my window, the raindrops changing shapes before my eyes.

I’d love to watch the sunrise, I’d love to see some blue skies, but I haven’t got past this rain-soaked window yet. Turning to my wall, headlights flash a tearful rain shadow. It could be the angels' tears for me; someday I will know. Sitting on the bed unmade, on the spot where last night I prayed. For a voice, a sign, a reason or rhyme, for some raindrops in my head to wash clean my mind. It’s silent in here now but for the rain, like pebbles tapping a prayer for me. Looking at the ceiling, through it up and away to where I know you are. The distance in miles and years doesn’t seem so far. I know you can hear my whispers through the falling stars. Staring out of my window, 

the rain rolling down reminds me of me. 

Soon those drops will dry, so in time, I hope, will mine.

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The Art of Losing

Tell me, my baby, where did you go?

I woke up this morning, and everything was gone.

It's so cold, the world is dark, without you in my arms.

Can I find you? Will you come back?

Everything is blue, 

from my eyes to the sky and every inch in between.

Inside I'm wasting away, crippled and broken-hearted; 

it could be my last day.

I'm tired from tears, weak from chasing answers, 

lost in all my fears.

Why can't I find you baby? You used to be everywhere.

There are no words I can say. Look into my heart, 

you'll find it all in there.

I love you so much it hurts, now the pain is all I have left of you.

If I could paint a picture of me without you, 

all I'd need is gray and blue.

Can you hear me calling you baby?

I went to bed last night, 

and your name was all the night could hear.

The sun rose black as coal, my mind is a winter storm, 

no one can find me.

Only you can save me from this lonely road I'm on.

You hold the sweetest verse to my most beautiful song.

I've lost my voice, I've only got one choice, to admit I was wrong.

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Under the Streetlight

Spinning slowly around.

Slow dancing with my baby under the streetlight shining down.

I can smell your sweet perfume when I close my eyes.

In my ear you sing a soft lullaby.

I could stay here forever, as long as we're together, I'll dance with you wherever, the streetlight is shining down.

Rest now, our dance floor is quiet.

Hold me tight and feel my heartbeat.

Never has my life felt this complete.

Here slow dancing with my baby on an empty street.

We don't know why, but here we are.

Weaving in and out of the headlights of passing cars.

Eye to eye and cheek to cheek, still a little too far.

No need to look up, I'm face to face with my own beautiful star.

I could stay here forever, and as long as we're together, I'll dance with you wherever the streetlights are shining down.

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Your Eyes

I’ve been thinking about you, all the time, and every day. Something you do to me makes it so I can’t turn away. I’ve been wondering could this thing so beautiful be true. It’s your eyes; I’m hypnotized. There’s magnificence I see in them exotic rains enhancing the flames. It’s your eyes. They’re shining peace through the storms. Those eyes and what they give, I want to see through them. I want to see how the world’s beauty looks, like the ocean waves melting away.

I’ve been seeing you, walking endlessly inside my mind. You’re just a daydream, but something remains. You’re playing me like a song I can’t stop. Should I turn this melody up? It’s ringing in my ears all night. Your voice keeps me hanging on, singing through the night until dawn. It’s your eyes. There’s a sensual mix of crazy and love. It’s your eyes. They’re the deep end of the ocean, they turn my stone to clay. Those eyes and how they make me feel, I want to see through them. I want to see how they separate you from the rest, how they capture hearts and minds.

All that is mystery is in your eyes. All that is heaven on earth, all that keeps me going. When I have no direction, it’s where I look. When I feel too cold to move, it’s where the warmth lies. They hold back the hurricane, but could bring the storm at any time. They hold back the river, but could flood my mind in a wink. They could break me, but they hold the strength to save this falling man. It’s your eyes, I’m speechless. It’s your eyes, it’s hopeless. It’s your eyes, nothing less. I want to see inside; I must confess. I want to see you through your eyes. I want to see me through your eyes.

I want to see through your eyes.

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2003: My Life In Poetry Form (Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2003. I was 25 years old. This was a time featuring a lot of soul-searching and trying to figure out what my path in life was supposed to be.

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Garden Road

I want to send you flowers for Valentine’s Day. Chocolate kisses and sweet candies with the loving words they say. We listen to the band’s rhythm while I pour out my heart into a wine glass. I want to fly and paint clouds with your name in the summer sky. I want to deliver you any wish you desire, deliver you wings if you wanted to go higher. Give you a rope to lasso the shimmering moon, or a net to swipe pearls from the sea. Or the simple pleasure of a walk in the park and a passing of a kiss between you and me. I want time to sleep while we lay in the grass, so close only between us does our breath pass. The birds could change tunes for a while and sing a lullaby for our mind’s to slip into. As we walk that rose-lined garden road we can grow together while our feelings never grow old.

I want to see emotions swell as I wrap my love around your finger. I want to hold tight to that moment, and when I am lonely, linger in its everlasting beauty. I have no petty promises, no shiny double-edged sword. There is no tarnishing of this unity, just an exchange of vows to make our love sacred. Infinitely we dance, eternally sharing one heart, each day a new chapter for us will start. I want a piece of you in me, for you I’ll give my all because a piece is too small. I want time to sleep, it has no purpose now because the race is over. I want to find love, and with it peace and strength. I’ll be where ever you want to be. I want to send you flowers for any day, no meaning or reason, it doesn’t have to be a special occasion anyway. I want to be in your arms today and stretch it into forever. In your heart I want to stay, and in your thoughts to dance and play. I want to have a love, another place to call home. I won’t let you down if you let me in.

I simply want to be with you.

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Some Kind Of Magic

You must have some kind of magic girl. You changed my life the moment you stepped into it. I was sad and lonely, the world so dirty and cruel. Are you real, sometimes I can not tell. To me it all seems so good, a dream I could wake from at any moment. It’s plain to see, you’re all I wanted and more finally happening to me. I think too much, how this luck fell to me. The answer is so simple running so deep. If I could let you in my mind I would tell you of your powers, I should. I’ll give you my heart without hesitation, my very soul without reservation, a fair trade for this beauty you rain down on me. You may not believe it, I’d gladly give more to receive it. I may sound like a fool. You must be some kind of magic girl, cause you’ve made me a fool for you.

You’ve brought the rains to the desert heat.

Brought the color to the black landscape.

Reminded me why I kept waiting so long.

Gave me the real emotions to put in a song.

Taken away the fear and left me nervous.

Shown me that tomorrow still has promise.

Made a believer out of someone once secluded.

Shone a warm light into the darkness I created.

Brought a smile, stay for a while.

Looking into the prettiest eyes, I fall into them a while.

It’s almost funny how fast you changed my outlook.

I guess the first instant of the first moment was all it took.

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Three Words

I have to say the words I’ve been too afraid to say. The ones that keep me awake at night, and consume me everyday. I have to say the words that mean so much to me, but nothing to you if you don’t hear them. The words that can change emotions in a single breath, held in high regard above all the rest. I have to say the words, but I’ve forgotten how to speak them.

I have to ask a question, a response to the words I’ll say. One whose answer can clear a stormy sky, and finally light my way. I have to ask a question that may surprise you, may entice you, may stop you in your tracks. It’s the question that sends the heart bouncing around the body there’s no way to relax. I have to ask a question, but I don’t know how to listen to the answer.

I have a confession to make, clearing up my feelings and leaving no mistake. My heart is here yours for the taking. I am only a peasant to the queen no need for waiting. I have a confession maybe it’s not a surprise. If you ever looked upon me once and seen what’s in my eyes. They see no one but you in crowds or alone, and your beauty remains long after you’re gone. I have a confession but need not say the words.

I have to say the words I’ve been dying for so long to say. The ones that can’t wait an instant for the chance that you get away. I have to say the words that are so loosely used but not by my lips. They are sacred and powerful enough to change hearts and lives. The words that can bring light where nothing else survives. I have to say the words and never second guess. It’s a love there inside them, and it’s for you that I confess.

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With The Seasons

Summer’s ending, some hearts breaking, some now mending.

All eyes fill with tears, some cry in sadness, some tears of joy.

I felt the pain those broken feel.

I feel the happiness now where some had said I was numb.

All people have an empty space inside, some can fill it, some fall in it.

My hole was where my heart lay, surrounded by ice and padlocked shut.

She was just a name, words without a face,

but by breath one in her presence my heart saw daylight.

Winter’s coming, some rest easy, some lost in the cold.

Where I am may become frozen for a time, I will be the melting point,

feeling a warmth like no other.

I long for the sunrise, I can face the rain, if on the other side is where she is.

All people know love when they find it, even if none can define it.

I wrote the book on loss, what was and what could never be, 

somehow it is now.

She could have been another page, a drop in the bucket, still she stays.

Summer’s gone, it will be dark soon, 

clouds or stars my eyes are lit by a face.

All of us get lost, we need to discover who we are.

I was inside myself, she gave me reason to step out.

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2002: My Life In Poetry Form (Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2002. I was 24 years old. The Quarter-Life Crisis was hitting hard and left me in a period of depression and reflection.

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Getting There And Passing By

Don’t ask me where I am going. Don’t ask me where I’ve been. I’m always between getting there and passing by, so I’m not sure where I am. Don’t think me unkind if the words don’t come out right. If I don’t have that much to say, I’ll break the wall and flood the beds someday. Don’t ask “Where are you going?” when I have no plans to move at all. Don’t speak over my breathing, it might be all the sound you get.

Don’t ask me what I want. Don’t ask me of all I wanted to be. My wishes are ripening on the branches, just waiting to be harvested. Don’t think me unworthy of all your secrets and promises. If you tell me slowly, I’ll understand. I’ll place the image in the front of my mind. Don’t ask “What do you want?” unless silence and confusion are what you wish. Don’t look through my eyes, or think through my mind, unless you’re ready to never come back.

Don’t ask me where I am going when I’m really nowhere at all. Don’t ask me where I’ve been when all I see is highway scenery whipping by my frightened eyes. If you feel betrayed by your own senses, you can feel what I’ve said. If you feel bought and sold with a body so old, you understand all the pain. If you have a map to everywhere but your roots have you chained, you can hear my words in your mind. Don’t ask me where I am going, unless everyone else stops moving. Don’t ask me where I’ve been, unless you’ve been living side by side in my life. Don’t ask me where I am going, unless you plan on taking me there.

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Of Heroes Lost

Sleep. Rest now, my friend. The hero has run out of miracles. No one was there to save him. Tell me why, then tell me again. Why do simple dreams have complicated ends? If I asked, would you let me feel your pain? If it’s not too much, I’ll wear your shoes for a while. For so long, I wished I could thank you, but the words are here too late.

Fly. Show us how important you are by going away. The hero who runs out of miracles is a hero no more. Nobody cares when you’re face down on the floor. Nobody cares when you can’t help them anymore. It’s the circle of life to be built and torn down again. Show me how, then show me again. How to make the seas part and the river’s bend. If I asked, would you let me be a pawn in your game? For so long, I wished I could see through your eyes, but the light has grown dark all around you.

Now my hero sleeps. All the gold he had was not the wealth he wanted. Sometimes I wish I could have let him see. Sometimes I wish we could’ve taken off for the sky and let himself be. A little piece of my life. My hero’s taken a little piece of my life since he’s gone. It’s a time now where a hero is hard to find. It’s a time when it’s hard to find. It’s so hard to find, well, whatever, nevermind...

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One True Thing

I don’t know what you want, 

I don’t know what you’re looking for.

I don’t know if you’ve had enough 

or if you want some more.

It’s been a while since I’ve asked you, 

guess it’s time I ask again.

Will you allow me to be there for you 

and love you until the end?

Questions are questions, always there for you to ask. If there’s an answer, search for it, I’ll try. The past is a shadow soon to fade in the day with a love that brings tears to your eyes. If you’re weak, I will carry you and never let go; if you’re tired, fall asleep in my arms. If you cry, I will hold you, and the things that I’ve told you will remain true every day. And I’ll sing you off into the night.

I don’t know what you need, I don’t know what’s in store.

I don’t know if the road is tough 

or if we’re drifting away from shore.

It’s been a while since I’ve asked you, 

guess it’s time I ask again.

Will you allow me to love you 

and hold you forever, my best friend?

Soon we will grow with so much more that we know, there’s time, if you ask, I will wait.

I won’t stand in the shadows if the sky starts to fall, if it tumbles, we’ll be sheltered from it all. If you’re cold, I will warm you; if you’re frightened, find safety in my arms. If you cry, I will hold you, and the things that I’ve told you will remain true every day. And I’ll stay with you until everything is all right.

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Sleepwalking

Sleepwalking through my day. Closed my eyes until all the thoughts went away. Sleepwalking through my night. So thirsty, but I can’t drink the wine. Sleepwalking through time. Days, minutes, hours, now a state of mind long forgotten. Sleepwalking through my life. It’s amazing how far you can go when you don’t know where you’re going. You just keep on walking.

Sleepwalking while I’m awake. Reaching into the darkness, trying to touch whatever’s there. Sleepwalking a long stretch of highway. Between dusk and sunset, my footsteps fall. Sleepwalking a thousand miles. A year feels like a day, a day feels like a dream I just can’t shake. You just keep on walking.

Sleepwalking through my day. Opened my eyes until the light burned the tears away. Sleepwalking through my night. So thirsty from drinking the wine. Sleepwalking through time. What does time mean anyway? Sleepwalking through my life. It’s amazing where you end up when you don’t know where you’re going.

You just keep on walking.

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2001: My Life In Poetry Form(Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2001. I was turning 23 years old. I had returned to Cape Cod to Las Vegas and was trying to process that chapter of my life.

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Element

For so long I thought life was over. That the only thing I had left was getting older. Now I can see the light, breaking through where the clouds once held me. I can see the light shining down into the dark shadows where I lived my life. Have you ever forgotten to stop the pain? Like a leaking faucet where the drain is clogged, eventually it will spill over. Would you forget love if it hurt you so? Could you see light through the heartache? Now I can see the light and I believe it’s here to stay.

My love is solid, crack it, but it will not break. My love is forever, I can’t imagine being without it. It’s always been there, I just couldn’t see, it’s everywhere around me. In my everyday, everything I do, it’s the love that remains true. You’re my angel for what you’ve shown, my savior for bringing me closer to myself. I love you for who you are. 

I love you for what you’ve given me.

Have you ever looked in the mirror so tired of what you see? How can you give love if you can’t find it in you? Do you wish for a well where love flows and runs through your fingers? Where is it supposed to be, this everywhere love? It’s the love that I’ve found, that I can never lose. It’s the love I have that always there. My everywhere love is the love inside of me.

You may not have the most beautiful love, you may not have the strongest. But it can be all the beauty and strength you need if you believe in it. When your life is beautiful then you’ll find it’s love that made it so.

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Miles From Twilight

Remember when we were young? So fresh in our minds it seems so long ago now. We thought we knew it all, who we were, where we were going, why we were here. All that was new has grown older, all the bright lights lost some luster. Now our everything feels much smaller, and we don’t fit the shoes we used to wear. The questions outnumber the answers, the clear messages are cluttered with hang-ups and wrong numbers. I’d give anything to feel that way again, surrounded by the future, surrounded by friends. Sometimes I feel surrounded by mirrors and I don’t want to look up. Time heals wounds by taking the memory, losing who we knew and forgetting who we used to be. I’m just a fragment of a young imagination, that piece still searching the night for a lingering sensation. The passion for life once ran like wine, my throat is dry and the river is gone. Even as our soul’s children become adults we can’t give in, every drop of youth we keep is another day in our lives. No matter what they say, the numbers don’t mean a thing, deep within no words can take away. We aren’t in the sunset, miles from twilight, this yellow colored road is not golden just long and winding. It’s in our minds and only we know for sure, numbers will pile up even if we think we’ve had enough. But if we fight maybe we can win. If we push hard enough we can reverse this aging world’s spin.

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Right Now

Who can say when the world will end? Who knows which tomorrow could be the last? Who can say when this life will end? Do we still believe there is a door to forever waiting? Do we still believe in a better place? Right now I feel alive inside. No matter how dark it gets, the sun will rise again. Right now I feel I’m coming back together. No matter how hard, nothing will tear me apart again.

Who wants to tell a child there’s no tomorrow? Who will save us from what we’ve become? Who is the maker, the one who chooses when this life ends? Do we still believe? I believe it all comes down to belief. Any minute it could rain a plague, our water could fill with the blood of anger’s rage. So many buttons, so many fingers, so many questions, so few answers.

I feel there’s a weight, or is it a hand pushing down? I feel like I should struggle, but I’m frozen by sight and sound. Our dreams are falling from the sky, our identity now craters of loss. But right now we feel alive inside. Like a thousand wild horses running across the countryside. Right now I feel we’ve come together, but if we’re pulled hard enough, will they tear us apart?

Who can say what the future holds? No eyes can see that far. Whose faith runs so deep that it’s drowned their heart? I believe we shall overcome. Right now is when we need each other most. Right now the colors have faded away. No matter how large the chasms built up before, we can bridge them by extending our hands. The beauty of love shall overcome the hate.

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When I Misplace Myself

I don’t feel like I’m here today, guess my mind stayed sleeping today. If you fall in I’ll just swim away, I have an unconditional apathy today. I can’t touch what I usually feel, I don’t grasp truth and I can’t sense real, a day’s intellect washed off by an ignorant year, I have honest wandering eyes today. I don’t wanna talk about it, there’s nothing I can say, to stop this raging emptiness at least not for today. My heart’s still in the right place, but beats under a cloak of disillusion, my fingertips so numb and cold, these eyes see the unchanged face.

I don’t feel so smart today, stupidity filling a naive mind you could say. I can’t reach out, but I can feel in, and reach right through to the back of my skin. I can’t express the feelings I have now, sort of here, sort of there, and nowhere in between. I’m watching life pass through a glass bottle’s walls. Where is it going, is it leaving me behind? I can’t say if I’ve let go, I think I’m still holding on. I can’t say if I can give it up, I think I’ve lost control. You speak, I can’t make out the sound, beg and cry for all my wasted time. I tell you that I’m all right, I don’t think you swallow my lies. My heart’s still in the right place, a bit more out of reach today. My memories so numb and cold, your eyes don’t see the same face. Someday under paint brushed skies with sunstroke eyes a crack in the armor will set me free, just wait and see. I can’t feel an end, could you pick up where my thoughts left off? I haven’t time to feel sorry, the monotony these feelings bring, like a skipping record, I need someone to move my arm, dust me off. Don’t cry for my desolation, I’m still holding on, just need to stay strong and wait for the break in the armor.

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2000: My Life In Poetry Form(Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We are returning to 2000, a new century. I was deep in the Quarter-Life Crisis, turning 22 years old, and moving from Cape Cod to Las Vegas, looking for a new life.

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Almost Free

Feeling like a stranger, feeling like an outcast in my own home. The scenery, once so beautiful, now turns dark, gray, and cold. Looks like a place I know, but I sense that I don’t belong. Inside myself these visions collect, slowly I digest them and painfully it all makes sense. Nothing is the same though I haven’t changed. Seems everyone is moving on, everything is moving away and I don’t know how to make it come back. Thought they’d ask if I were scared, nothing was the sound, guess they’ve forgotten I’m here. Stopped for a moment in a room I once believed to be my own, the life I know is sealed and packed away, suppose they think I’m gone. Did I sell my soul by choosing this path, is this purgatory, have I committed an unforgivable sin? Setting free the expectations, letting go of my frustrations, opens doors to the dreams I have to live by. The price I pay for peeling myself off these walls is my not-so-subtle isolation, a banishment to rinse me from their minds. Do I not exist, is another readying to step into my world here? In between said and done lies a lucid time bomb, ticking, ready to scatter these pieces of life I’ve collected in every direction. I can see the end growing large, a shadow so dark it swallows what it overtakes. Slowly, things I’ve known fall, some fight, some jump in, I’ve no alternative but to seek shelter deep in my own skin. A stranger to everyone but myself, when a connection inside is clear there’s no need for codependency. This I see, that which once was real, I can erase from my slate, and fill it again new and far from here. Just sand running through the hourglass, so my chapter ends, there’s more to life than just one sad story, many more will be written, and soon enough my hourglass will turn over again.

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Desert Sky

You’re going fast, cause you’ve got somewhere to go. It won’t last, all you hold in your hand soon will pass. You’re catching up, but the scenery pulls further away. You’ve been stoned, but you’re only high in your imagination. Looking dumb, looking up to see what’s falling down on you. The waves of blinking lights hypnotize you into thinking everything’s all right. But in the day the lights fade and you’re feeling like a funeral parade. It’s sinking in, overheating from the cold air. The bluest eyes and clasping hands speak to whoever’s there. The desert sky doesn’t blink or wave it only hides the night. The desert sky gives you faith in your unborn wings and hope that you can fly. The desert sky will trade your gold for magic beans but there’s no rain for them to grow. The desert sky, oh my the desert sky will never cry.

You come back down when it’s convenient for you. The words are so false but you try to pain them true. Aiming so high but you’re digging for love with a plastic spoon. Riding the wind but time’s got you down on your knees. On the road but it feels like it’s on you, under your own feet and floating over your head. Sing notes with passing clouds, wondering how it got so loud. Cover your ears cause you fear what it’s saying. Washed clean by a rainbow’s tears, the uphill climb to regaining those years. The desert sky is what you’ve been missing. That cool breeze you’re kissing on that stretch of road you’re wishing. The desert sky won’t ever leave once you know its name. The desert sky breathes fire like a devil could it be they’re one and the same? The desert sky, oh my the desert sky will never cry.

If you couldn’t open your eyes what would you see? If you lived alone would you really be free? If you broke the chains would you still be a prisoner? If you had a million dollars, would you really be rich? If you had fame and fortune, would you truly be happy? If you lived forever, would you be forever young? Sometimes we think we need it all to survive when we need just enough. Just enough to survive under the desert sky.

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Rebirth of An Enigmatic Soul

I feel free, I feel alive, standing tall with arms outstretched and electricity flowing from my fingertips. I move like a cloud over the asphalt ground. The warm air smells fresh, I believe there’s a change coming on, now I can embrace its beautiful touch. A perfect balance of heaven and earth washes together, giving glimmers of hope to the saddest souls. It shows how high we can be lifted, the gift of witnessing how the world should always be. Life is now, love’s eternal light shining, this dream is real.

Only now is all peaceful and calm. The wind brushes by like an enigmatic soul, in a whisper tumbling over the shadowed green hills. It catches flight on wings of butterflies and carries them off across the newborn forest floor. Sun-ripened beauty fills each once lonely branch. I feel the hands caress my face and I’m flying. A rebirth of youth has occurred, I feel strong, I feel alive. Floating like a feather fallen from an angel’s wing, the centerpiece of an unreal scene. A painting only possible in the deepest undisturbed cleansing dreams.

Am I asleep? If so let me stay this way. If I’m awake can it always be like this? The peace outside builds inside my mind. The surreal clichés only used before in fiction, come to life around me and in my eyes. At least right now, if only momentarily, all my wildest dreams and fantasies are fulfilled.

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Sour Annie

Oh my dear Annie, you walk with a swagger, a cross between heaven and sin.

And when you speak, your tongue pierces me, a silver sword to my heart.

I can’t catch my breath, you’re above all the rest.

But you play with me like a ball of string. Unravel me for your pleasure, knot me up to keep me from slipping out of your hands.

Why are you so cruel, why is your heart cold?

Who makes your eyes shine, what makes you sing, where is the antidote for the sorrow you bring?

Well Annie, I’ve done all I can, now I’ve got to walk.

Sorry, sour Annie, girl, I was just trying to reach you...

Don’t put the blame on me, you’ve done all this before.

Don’t put the blame on me, I wanted to reach you but you pulled away.

I wanted once to look in your eyes and see straight into your mind.

I don’t think anyone can see that far in the darkness.

What’s that you say, wanting my help as the steel meshes in with your skin.

What’s that you want, a hand to hold, to bite off my fingers.

Sorry Annie, don’t wanna be you.

Sour Annie, wanna be in you.

Come on Annie, come on and punch a hole in the sky.

Tired of reaching, now gotta push you away.

Girl, I just wanted to reach you...

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1999: My Life In Poetry Form(Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It will also show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 1999. I was still in college but was rapidly approaching the Quarter-Life Crisis turning 21 years old.

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Chips, Beer, and Boredom

Bored with life, nothing’s happening. Time is a mile-long journey per second, or so it seems. The silence of sound is deafening, but could it be any louder? It’s weird how the deadest of silence feels more intense than massive noise.

Bored with progress, everything is stalled. Need to kick start today, or get ahead on tomorrow. Bubbling under the lazy man’s face is the soul filled with lightning, flashing, and waiting for something to race. But in this dull and slow-paced world, it lay dormant; perhaps it will never reveal itself. A loud crash, not shaking me from this path I’m on. A compass with a predetermined destination can’t juggle fate, can’t change expectations.

Bored with it all, the cry of the feeble-minded. There’s always a way, just need to look with the mind, not just the eyes. Sinking in before it’s too late, color the air blind to avoid the realization of self-destruction. Thought the slate was cleaned for me, looks like I’ll have to do it myself. Being bored is bad for your health.

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I Fell

Once I fell in love, glasses and pigtails, all her world I felt in a hug. She a part-time interest with the miles to prove so. Spend 24/7 for 365 to get that one glimpse to keep me alive. The minutes we had together were minutes heaven sent. Months in between, I spent missing her, I thought was time well spent. But then I grew up. The letters and pictures that further disconnected her image from my mind couldn’t fill the hole. Didn’t want to hold on to hope, to hang on like a fool to the feelings for the sake of them. So I let go, and I moved on, to find out what lay up ahead.

Once I fell in love, bright eyes masking sunshine, blonde hair, couldn’t help but stare. She would stay a prisoner in my mind, with images emblazoned by the masses, it seemed to be the right time. Wanted so badly to be that guy, just a kid myself, to be him was not right. Shining armor with a backpack besides, guess when it’s perfection you’re thinking, the flaws are what decide. But then I wised up. Dreams of a place I’d never see weighed too heavy to stop from being free. Couldn’t stand the backward thoughts she felt, wouldn’t wait until she came around. Took me a while, but I walked on, left that door locked to keep the memories as just that, left ‘em all behind.

Once I fell in lust, thrown together oil and water, mix to fix and force the sense. Day after week after month spent trying to show false feelings and give in to lying. Saved her soul by being a hero, pedestal the excuse to stay near her. Made myself believe what wasn’t true, she was an option to being alone, just a time killer, only a space filler. But then I sobered up. Rays of light broken drunken spells, swallowed on mortality, grew the balls to let it fall away. I thought it was painful, a 180 to convince what was once unreachable, but I lived on. Hold was let go, mistakes and words unspoken, finally freedom welcomed me.

Once I fell in love, a seemingly untouchable goddess. She a ladder to heaven, blind eyes to my bruised senses. This love beat me into submission, her shake and twist led to heartfelt admissions. Sat and waited, empty bottle with a half-full glass. Sense from nonsense, knowledge from ignorance. Then I gathered up the words key to open my cell. So I marched on, up to her and revealed my identity, true expression, the lasting impression. Like a million pounds lifted, my feather in the wind floating body carried away with her response. I lived a hundred lifetimes for what I have right now, the time I fell in love with someone who loved me too.

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Recyclable Tupperware

She’s breakin’ up with me on my deathbed. Says time’s come to think about herself. It couldn’t wait another minute. She’s my savior, I’m her plague, and her loving pain’s pushed me to the limit.

She can’t cash in on a will I haven’t signed.

She can’t deny that her love for me has declined.

She wants me to climb her thorny vines.

She wants me to taste her rose garden.

But she won’t tell me that I’m okay.

She’s breakin’ up with me on my deathbed. Says we’ve grown apart in the last few hours. It couldn’t wait another minute. She’s my queen, I’m her pawn, and her hands are so gentle as she tears my heart out.

She melts my resolve with her eyes.

She leaves me stranded in a dream.

She’s chasing me down a dead-end street.

I stop to look behind and she runs away.

But she’ll chase again when I decide to run.

She’s breakin’ up with me on my deathbed. Says time’s come to move on. It couldn’t wait another minute. She’s my china, I’m her Tupperware, and she turns on the generator after pulling the plug, but she won’t tell me she loves me.

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Three Chord Romance

Tonight it feels like forever’s not long enough.

Tonight feels like I’ll never let go.

I believe in the fantasies and the words we dare not say.

Tonight is all rolled into one, dreams for which we pray.

You were there through this fantastic journey I made, you remained,

when the silence of the night crept in you stayed.

I believe I found it in your smile, brightly lit, asking me to stay a while.

I’d like to keep it simple right now, don’t want you to get the wrong idea,

but I’m not sure if I want the right one to slip out yet.

I got caught in the middle of confessions, deepest revelations,

the rest was swept away with the brush of your hair.

For now I’m stuck with half a thought that doesn’t make any sense.

You knowing the truth, the secret being out, 

would take the magic from my daydreams.

So many times I whispered your name into the trees and hoped it’d carry to you on the hint of a summer’s breeze.

If in our bliss the moon should fall, we’ll pick it back up,

put on a pedestal of stones thrown and collected.

Then we’ll lie in the shadows, a future of flowering meadows,

and let time drift by with the clouds.

Even when you have to go, the pain I feel helps my spirit grow,

cause if the first time never ends, how can the next time ever begin?

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1997-1998: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It will also show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We have come back around to 1997 and 1998. I was in college and was 19 and 20 years old.

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No Two Are the Same

What is love? Can someone explain?

How does it let in the sun, but cloud our eyes with pouring rain?

Feel it, deep inside, is a warmth to heal the coldest soul.

Seal it, fate, stabbing pains conquer like a thousand steely thorns.

What is love? Can someone tell me?

How do we earn this gift, then piss it away as an excuse to get burned?

Calms you, soothes your mind, peaceful as a cool autumn wind.

Disarms you, drains our sight, violent as the weakness of sin.

What is love? Can someone open my eyes?

Where do we find the right to use it, 

and then lose grip with the wrongs to abuse it?

Clears out, the darkness escapes, exposing the light we hide in our souls.

Fears shout, weakness comes forward to open wounds like the deepest black hole.

I know what love is. I’ll tell you it’s all that’s divine.

Contains the most sensual of touches, an inner beauty so fine.

Helps the helpless go on, makes the longest of waits seconds.

Holds us up high above the river, where heartache on the waves crest.

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Dream Catcher

Dream catcher, catch me a good life.

Dream catcher, bring me a good wife.

Dream catcher, show me the way home.

Oh please don’t let me live alone.

Dream catcher, come on and show me, all the things I’ve yet to see.

Show my eyes all I can be, all I need to be is me.

Dream catcher, don’t break my heart.

Just give me a beautiful place to start.

Dream catcher, capture a moment, in time to make me fly high above the clouds in the sky.

Dream catcher, solve my problems, give me the answers to questions why.

You’ve got to take my heart out from this world.

Take my heart to that one special girl.

Take my heart and fill it with love.

Take my heart, all I need to be is me.

Dream catcher, give me a sign.

Where I’ll be going in time.

Tortured spirit or kindly divine.

Dream catcher, I’ll know what’s mine.

Soft lights, gentle sound, perfect feelings all around, she is there, sweet love we’ll make.

Oh dream catcher, I never want to wake, I never want to wake, never want to wake

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Forget to Remember

Tide rolls, rolls away, pieces of life remain for strangers to claim,

you or I, we’re all the same.

Is my life to be collected and passed on, or swallowed back into the deep?

The sky closes in, perched above my head to steal the bits and pieces still yet unclaimed.

Don’t forget to remember, the pieces were once you, were once me.

Don’t forget to remember always I am here, pieces uncollected, memories reflected, mirror claims your face, time gets the rest of what’s left.

Wash away, a distant face, clear to gray now out of place.

Once I was a man, footsteps marking the earth,

now my existence is inked with papered words.

When you arrive with me don’t forget to remember all glittering stars fade away,

the most concrete wishes are turned to clay.

Don’t forget to remember, always I am with you.

Blinded eyes see through time, these invisible hands will hold you when you cry.

Don’t forget to remember to look for me in the sky.

Dry up tears of grief, pain will leave when memories return to claim their space.

Will I be remembered here and now for then,

can you keep me alive through smiles and laughs of things I did back when?

When I am gone don’t forget to remember, sunshine, blue sky, who loved you, and why.

Don’t forget to remember not to cry, I see you, live you, breathe you from here.

Give a chance to playing the game of life again,

play for keeps don’t look back for an answer placed right before your eyes.

Don’t forget to remember me, and you’ll know why.

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Miss You

Sometimes I wonder how you are at night. Do your brown eyes still shimmer like they’re absorbing the moonlight? Do you think of me, do you wonder if I’m all right? You always seemed to know me best, every beat of your heart I felt in my chest. I would give anything to see you again as a hovering shadow as the sun parts the waves of the sea. Flash a mirror smile toward me, it’s the very essence of all I’ll ever be. You can turn on the light in my heart with beauty that can bring a tear to my eye. I don’t remember, where the colors changed from right to wrong. I’d never felt good enough for you all along. I found myself in what you told me, saw for the first time with the love you showed me. Enlightened in sorrow, cleared out for tomorrow, but I guess you like it in there.

I wish you understood, if you could hear my thoughts when I’m alone. Hear my begging and my pleas, hopes and dreams, and the one image in which I still believe. I must love you because it burns me black that you’re not here. To know you deserve something better, to know I need someone like you, to believe so deeply you’ve found the one and still be turned away. Peace, love, and happiness are all I want for you to feel. I’m tired of being down, beating myself up for being scared. I’m tired of being alone. Without you I’m not all I could be. I’m lost and you’re the guide. We need each other, need to find each other, hold on to each other, through the night and beyond.

I need to say I miss you until I’ve gone numb from heartache. I wish you were here now, I let this happen it was my mistake. You need to know that wherever you go you can always call on me and I’ll be there. I pray until the words grow old, pray you will catch wind of these cries. See through the shield of insecurity, catch sight of my heart and soul’s purity. Most of all I need to say how much I love you. It’s more beautiful than a pearl from the deepest ocean floor. I need you. You’ve captured my all and everything too and there’s nothing I want more. I want you. I’d forget the past and remember nothing but your love and feel as wealthy as a king in a golden castle. We need each other, as we are two halves of the same one. There’s a chance, for you and me, for us and all we’ll ever be. A heartbeat in two rhythms. There’s hope, we’ll be together, as one, no pressure, you deserve only all I can give. No fear, no lies, just you and I, no reason for goodbyes. Just the thought of you lying next to me gives me all I need to be alive.

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