Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #87: Dumpster Transformer, Memory Full, Surreal Validation, etc.

1. Maybe I’m just getting old, but I’m not a fan of people who have Bluetooth headphones hooked up to their phone and then walk around loudly talking. It is one of the most obnoxious things possible. The only thing that makes these types of events worse is when the person talking loudly has a voice that makes your ears bleed. I heard this woman shouting in the aisles of a supermarket, having a conversation. Her voice was one of those nasally, ditsy, Valley Girl voices. Then I saw her and she looked like a Transformer but instead of being some kind of cool machine, she was a dirty old dumpster that also became a human. I couldn’t unsee, or unhear, that.


2. This week, I got an email reminder that my Audible subscription was renewing in a few days. That sounds like a mundane line until I tell you that I totally had no idea I was paying for an Audible subscription. I had likely been getting these payment reminders all along, but the one thing I wasn’t paying was attention. It turns out that what I thought was a free-tier membership, where I got 1 free credit toward an audiobook per month, was actually $14.95 per month. Oh, and it gets better, or worse for me, as this membership has been going on for nearly 2 years. You can do the math. I immediately canceled the membership so I’m in the clear now, but man, that was like a long, drawn-out setup for a joke that wasn’t funny. Oh well, at least I can keep the audiobooks that I got when I thought I was on a free tier. Wicked smart.


3. Getting older means things that were simple when you were younger can now turn into secret injuries. Several weeks ago, I was walking the beach at low tide with some friends. Not wanting to get my shoes wet, I jumped over a little inlet of water still flowing out. I cleared it and felt accomplished, but knew I’d landed a bit awkwardly on my left leg. Flash forward to this week and my hips and lower back were hurting. While getting adjusted by my boss, I mentioned an exercise I did this week that might have caused the pain. He said the issue was likely something from a little while back and we’d just reached the tipping point. That’s when it clicked. Jumping that little stream turned into me needing my left hip to get adjusted. The problem is my mind still thinks I’m 17, or 27, or 37. I feel like I need to forget everything I knew about fitness and diet, while we’re at it, and learn all new stuff. Or just buy clothes made of bubble wrap so I can safely navigate through life.


4. Speaking of getting older. There are times I feel like I have reached the tipping point with the amount of knowledge my brain can hold. I feel at times like a pitcher filling with water, and now any new info is just water flowing out of the pitcher into the sink. Where I notice it the most is at my training job. I have worked with enough different people there that I now can’t remember every detail about each client. This means equipment they might have at home, specific exercises that we have or haven’t done, things like that. On the other hand, I can still remember in great detail a lot of random music and pop culture items from the 1980s and 1990s. So maybe at this point in life, my brain is prioritizing certain knowledge and memories over others. Yes, that random nugget of wisdom about a random song in 1987 gets saved, but whether a client has an injury doesn’t. I’m kidding, by the way, I would remember injuries, just not my own, as seen in the last post.


5. I am used to there being some sort of ambient noise when I record my podcasts. When the weather is nice I have my window open, which is only a few feet from my desk, where I record. Countless vehicles are going by, and way too many large trucks for the road I live on. This week took the cake as far as noises I will need to edit out of the final product. There was a steady barrage of angry blue jays squawking at each other in the trees just outside. It got so bad that I had to mention it on the show in case people hear them, and I can’t edit them all out. The only way I got them to briefly stop was to find hawk calls on YouTube and play them out my window. Sadly, that only got them to go away for a few minutes before it was angry blue jay party time again. Foolish birds.

6. It’s a strange feeling that the Boston Red Sox are likely going to make the playoffs for the first time since 2021 but I really have no interest in it. In fact, this year feels like the least interest I’ve had in sports in general in my lifetime. I’m not sure why that is. It may be because I am always so busy with work that I just don’t have time to become invested in sports. With the Red Sox, I’ve been off the bandwagon with them ever since they traded Mookie Betts to the Dodgers after the 2019 season. The Bruins, I have no interest in, as I really don’t watch hockey. The Patriots have struggled since Tom Brady left, but I do keep my eyes on them from afar. I think the local team I’ve been most invested in over the last 5 years is the Celtics. Basketball was a sport I played growing up in school, so that makes sense. Part of it is that for nearly 20 years, New England had a string of champions, and now all of the teams are mediocre so I feel like I was spoiled for all of those years. It’s kind of like the 1990s all over again, except I’m way past high school age.


7. Provincetown is the only place on Cape Cod where, when I go there, I feel like a tourist. Maybe it’s because it’s an hour drive so I don’t get out there more than a few times a year? I was up there for a wedding this past weekend and took more photos of the scenery than of the event itself. I love my time in Ptown. It’s sort of like visiting Nantucket but without having to get on a boat. It’s interesting how I think of distance. Like I said, it’s an hour to drive to Provincetown, but I’m still on Cape Cod. In less than an hour in the other direction, I can drive to Plymouth, Bridgewater, Fall River, and nearly to Scituate and the Rhode Island border. Yet, all of those places feel so much farther away when I think about it.

Commercial Street, Provincetown

8. Speaking of that wedding, it was for the son of the Lady of the Dunes and his longtime girlfriend. It felt like the cherry on top, completing my story arc in a wild true crime story. The ceremony was at a church at one end of the narrow, busy Commercial Street, and the reception was at a resort hotel on the other end. Lucky for me, the hotel was right next to a parking lot. On a Saturday afternoon, even on the last weekend of summer, that lot was packed. I felt like I was going to end up having to park a few extra hundred yards away, which would mean I’d need to rush to walk to the reception, which was nearly a mile away. I still drove all the way to the end of the parking lot, which was next to the hotel. I was pleasantly surprised to find one open spot right on the road. It was as if I was meant to be there. Oh, and at the end of my time there, when I went to pay to leave, it turned out I had been parked for 2 hours and 56 minutes. Another 4 minutes would have cost me an extra $3. I guess you could say everything was coming up Milhouse, if you get that Simpsons reference.


9. Beyond the parking victory, the wedding was a validating yet surreal experience. I grew up with the mystery of the Lady of the Dunes. It was a story I knew well. If you had told me when I was young that someday the Lady would be identified, I’d have said that’s great, she and her family deserve the closure. If you had told me that I’d be involved in the case in a small way, I’d have said that sounds like it could be a possibility. If you would have told me that I’d be involved in the resolution of the case, her identity as Ruth Marie Terry, oh and that she had a son, oh and you will meet him, get to know him, he will invite you to his wedding, and tell you that your book about his mother’s case was very meaningful and important to the case’s resolution? (Catches breath) I’d have said it sounds like something I’d have written, but was highly unlikely. Yet there I was, sitting among family and friends, at a small, intimate wedding. It was in the front of my mind the entire time I was there, just how surreal and yet fulfilling and validating the experience was.

The church where the wedding ceremony was held.

10. The only downside to the wedding day in Provincetown was my Fitbit being skimpy on calories burned. I don’t know why but I thought that walking 4 miles throughout the afternoon would have earned me a few hundred extra calories burned for food. Nope, not a single one. I love my Fitbit Charge 6, but at times it feels inconsistent. It will register steps when I am sitting and moving my arm, yet its distance calculator will typically be less than what my running app will say if they are both going at once. It does a lot of calorie calculating based on heart rate. I figured I’d have gotten my heart rate up, especially when hustling a mile to get to the wedding ceremony. Oh well, even if the Fitbit didn’t give them to me, I know I burned enough calories to earn that pumpkin cake square. Yes, that was what I wanted to use the extra calories on.


11. For me, I don’t understand how in this day and age people walk on regular roads with their dogs off leash. I saw two on a walk this week. One got leashed once the owner saw me coming, which I appreciated. The other was actually off-leash while its owner was walking along with another dog that was leashed. I have no idea. When it comes to unleashed dogs, first off, you don’t know if someone is going to be driving poorly, and your dog could wander into the road and get hit. Secondly, there is the fact that your dog could get spooked, or just be a menace, and go running after a person, or someone on a bike. Unleashed dogs are every bit as dangerous as distracted drivers. They’re both unpredictable. I’ve had several experiences on bike trails on a run or ride, and some idiot has their dog unleashed, and it either jumps at me or wanders in front of me. I like dogs, I don’t love dogs. But of course, I’ve said it before in this blog, many dog owners are simply selfish and entitled, and believe your world revolves around their dog.

6 Years and What Have I Learned? Dear Grampa

 

Dear Grampa,

It’s been 6 years now since you left this world. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember every excruciating detail of those last few months as you slowly deteriorated due to Alzheimer's. I told myself that if I truly thought of you as my hero and role model that I needed to be there as much as I could through those dark times.

The truth is, it scarred me. It scarred and traumatized me more than anyone knows. It’s a trauma I don’t speak of much because I don’t know who’d listen or care.

That first time in the room with you, where you got stuck in a loop of getting dressed and undressed for work was a cold slap of reality, I think I didn’t want to believe. I made my choice though to be there until the end.

Some times felt almost normal. We’d talk about the 1950s, jazz music, old friends, and you remembered my name. That might have been the biggest blessing and curse. You remembered my name almost to the end. It also meant that when you begged me to help you escape the nursing facility, it was my name you used. All I could do was wait it out until the thought floated from your mind like dandelion spores.

Then there were the bad times. Me sitting at your bedside while Nina begged me to help you. There was nothing I could do but apologize and say I didn’t know what to do. Few things are more heartbreaking than your grandparents who had been married over 70 years begging their grandson to do anything to help the situation and knowing there was not a damn thing I could do but be there.

I would hold it together for the sake of my mother and siblings until I was by myself. That was when my alcohol issues took center stage. I would drink until I couldn’t feel and then hate myself for wanting to scrub the final memories of my supposed hero from my mind.

In those final weeks, I had many times that I was torn between hoping you passed so you wouldn’t suffer anymore and wanting desperately for one more memory of you, even a traumatizing one. Then the end came.

They say even when you’re unresponsive, a person can still hear you, which is why it is good to speak to someone even if they show no signs. I remember that last night, that last time I saw you. I left work to say my goodbyes. Sitting at your bedside as you lay with your eyes closed, looking peaceful, I knew it was the last time I’d ever see you.

It hurt. It was a new kind of hurt, though. When my dear old friend Matt died 18 months earlier, I got the news but never saw him. This time with you I was staring you in the face, knowing that it was my choice how long I stayed, what I said, and how I reacted to what was coming.

I’ll keep my final words to you between us because I know you heard them. I could have stayed longer as my coworkers told me to just go home after I saw you but I needed to not be alone, at least not right away. I knew alone time was drinking time and I needed to feel for a little longer.

I stood in that doorway looking at you trying to imprint everything permanently into my memory. It worked. It’s still there. Even now I get that familiar pang of emotion knowing that my next move was turning and walking away leaving you forever only a memory. I’m sorry.

The photo I took after leaving the nursing facility that final night.

It’s been 6 years now. So what have I learned?

I learned that you cast a big shadow. It feels even bigger when it’s been taken away. I learned a lot from your life and death, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve done anything with what I’ve learned.

I learned what real love was from you and Nina being married for over 70 years. I learned how important real love was by how she slowly faded away once you were gone. Me, I am more afraid to love and be loved so I have chosen to bury myself in chasing my dreams since you’ve been gone.

I learned about what a real man is and what having a real male role model means, especially when one is taken away. I’ve had so many ‘second fathers’ in my life, because my ‘first father’ didn’t want to be a father at all. I tried to soak up all of your wisdom while I could. Now I find myself wishing I could ask you a question or share a problem with you, usually a few times a week.

I have sunk deep into personal development over the last few years, desperately trying to find the road that I was paving while you were still here. Through this journey, I have learned one sad truth. I don’t feel like I am honoring your legacy the way I wish I could.

There was a great question on a self-help podcast a few months ago that hit me like a ton of bricks. A man asked how best to honor his brother, who had recently passed away. The podcast host said the best way to honor someone you’ve lost is by living the life they would have wanted for you. I don’t feel I am doing that.

There are times that I think about all of the advice, words of wisdom, and lessons I got from you. Then I think to myself, ‘Did I even pay attention?’ I swear I did.

I said to you that if I grew up to be half the man that you were, I would consider my life to be a success. I don’t consider myself a success. This is where I’d ask you for advice on what to do next, but all I can do is comb my memories of you to see if I can find a stone I’ve left unturned.

I could sit here and tell you I feel like I’ve failed you in terms of the lofty praise and expectations you would heap on me. Maybe it was just what good grandparents do. I don’t know.

There are two things I will leave you with, Grampa. One you said to me and one I’ve learned through the years, and all of the losses of loved ones.

One is the words you scratched down on the piece of paper I still have to this day. It’s never too late to be what you might have been. Yes, I know that George Eliot said that quote, but I had never heard of it until you gave me those words. Until I am dead and gone, I will continue the search for whatever I might be. Not giving up my dreams is the best way I can honor you. Well, except for one other way.

It is said that a person dies twice. They die once when they take their last breath, and again when their name is spoken for the last time. As long as I am alive, you will be as well.

I will celebrate. I will mourn. I will share stories. I will pursue my dreams in your honor. It’s all I can do to stay warm in the chill of your giant shadow. It is why I am writing a letter you will never receive.

How I picture my grandparents.

In closing Grampa, I love you and miss you everyday. Please take Nina out for a fun night dancing and singing at the best jazz club heaven has. Save a big table for Nana, Uncle Eric, Auntie Chris, Brenda, and Marylou. Matt probably won’t go to a jazz club, but you can always send him a box of donuts.

Until we meet again, thank you for everything.

Love,

 Chris

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog: #50 - My Nana, Middle-Aged Teen, Getting Mad Cash, etc.

1. My Nana passed away 15 years ago this week. I still miss her like she died just yesterday. Despite that, I do feel at peace knowing that I spent so much time with her while she was alive. Of course, I’d always want one more get-together but I’m blessed to have thousands of memories of her. That being said I do get sentimental on certain days. Her birthday, Christmas Eve, and her death date. I still remember it like it was yesterday. She had died late the previous night so I found out early the next morning. I remember feeling numb. I found it interesting that only moments after finding out Nana had died I spotted 3 crows on the roof of the house next door. They represent death and the afterlife so it was very appropriate.

2. My favorite Chinese food spot on Cape Cod is Sun On in Dennis. It has been for loads of years. To me, the food is always great. However, one thing I really like about them is that they remember you. The man who I think is either the owner or manager always remembers my name. In fact, I went in this week and saw him for the first time in probably a couple of years. He immediately smiled and said hello and remembered my name. Yes, that earned a little cash tip in the jar.

3. I am going into 2025 with more of a clean slate than usual. Sure I have things I am working on, or working toward, but I am also feeling like I need to leave a lot more open. This will allow things to come into my life that I might normally miss. I don’t have any books I’m working on. I don’t even have any book events scheduled. These are typically the times that unforeseen things show up. I’m cautiously excited to see where things will be at the end of 2025.

4. I had a very low-key New Year’s Eve. I definitely don’t miss those days of staying out until after midnight and drinking. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of funny stories from years past. More funny because I survived. This included a year, probably 2013 when I drove home from a favorite restaurant/bar close to 1am. My drive home included blinding snow, a curvy road, and a good buzz. Like I said I can laugh now but that easily could have been how my story ended.

5. At a small local convenience store I was gifted a huge pleasant surprise. No, not a winning lottery ticket. This store carries the 16oz 5-Hour Energy drinks that I love but rarely can find. The last time I had one was when I was up in Brattleboro, Vermont in August. I bought a few and now know I can get them whenever I want. The store itself is a bit sketchy but that just means I need to get in and out fast with my haul.

6. I was faced with a sad reality on New Year’s morning. I got up *relatively* early to go to the gym to kind of kick 2025 off right. I wasn’t up that early but I rolled into the gym at 9am. It was a good workout and the gym really wasn’t crowded. It wasn’t until I was finishing up by walking a bit on a treadmill that I noticed something. Easily 95% of the people in there were older than me, and older by a lot. I wasn’t the youngest in the gym but I had to be close. It made me realize that my ‘out late partying’ days are really over. Well, honestly they were never that crazy anyway, but even if I wanted to start being a party guy it’s way too late.

7. The good news: my blog, this blog, recently passed 450K total views. The bad news: I’ve been running this blog since 2008. We’ll keep that second part quiet. I have somewhere in the neighborhood of 800 blog posts dating back to my debut post on October 25, 2008. Did you know that you can make money on these blogs through ad clicks? There is a $100 minimum threshold for payout though. Would you like to know when the last time was that I got a payout on my blog? February 21, 2014. So going on 9 years. I’m not saying that blogging doesn’t pay off. I’m just saying that you need to have other side hustles or try out different subjects to write about. But oh man I’m getting close to that next $100 payout. I can’t wait to use it on groceries for the week.

8. From the ‘Everything Is Coming Up Milhouse’ department: I was at a grocery store paying at the self-checkout. I had cash but the total included 1 cent. The question came up, do I break a bill and get 99 cents back? Or do I use my debit card to avoid getting back that change? Well, the grocery gods were smiling on me as I looked on the ground beside me and saw a penny on the floor. No this wasn’t like finding a winning lottery ticket on the floor but I guess it was the next best thing. Maybe not the next best. More like the 100^th next best but still, exact change is a fun accomplishment.

9. After many years I finally have a really good writing station. I bought a comfy office chair, an actual desk, and a plastic floor cover so my chair doesn’t tear up the carpet. Within a few minutes of sitting down at this desk, I found myself working on several projects at once. Having a different setting for work is indeed a big key for creativity. So far it’s only been writing and editing, no recording but as of now, I am thrilled with this setup. Plus I put everything together myself so I feel a bit handy as well.

10. Here is what is likely the most appropriate shopping trip for me. I bought myself a basketball. I haven’t owned a basketball since high school and I want to start playing again as the weather gets better. It’ll be an easy way to trick myself into exercising. However, I also bought myself a pill organizer. You know the one with the days listed and their own individual containers? I keep forgetting to take my vitamins so I got that as a reminder. It’s like teenage me and middle-aged me are being melded together into one. 

Middle-Aged Teen Playset