Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #111: First, Film Business, Three Things Sir, etc.

1. Over the past 5 weeks or so, I have seen a huge uptick in the number of followers I have across social media. This began with a video of slushy ocean waves at a Cape Cod beach that went viral when shared by a much larger Instagram account. In the time since, I have had tons of shares, tons of follows, and tons of comments. It wasn’t until this week that I had a seminal moment that comes when one’s social media presence starts to grow. First! That was it. Does anyone remember when a larger account would post something, and the first few comments would be people racing to comment ‘First!’ It was like it was a badge of honor, or bragging rights for something that really didn’t matter. My social media presence is not that large. It’s more than doubled in a month, but still not on the level of most influencers or celebrities. That being said, having someone on TikTok comment ‘first’ on a video I shared of a sunset made me feel next-level. I can now put that on my creator resume: Had a guy comment ‘first’ on a video. I have finally made it. Now, where is my blue check mark without me having to pay for it?!


2. After a week off from work due to the blizzard, it was hard getting my head back in the game. It was like I needed to remember exactly what it was that I did for work. It took an extra energy drink just to get me through the day competently. Sadly, it wasn’t like returning to work from a fun vacation. It was returning after being wailed on by a once-in-a-decade snowstorm and then spending the rest of the time either without power or in a daze, trying to get my bearings back. It was as if I needed an extra day off to fully recover from my week off. With spring less than 3 weeks away, I can only hope that winter is starting to lose interest in beating the hell out of us in New England.


3. I immediately contradict that last entry with this one. The slush waves returned to Cape Cod for a short engagement. Temperatures in the teens at night allowed the phenomenon to happen at a few north-facing beaches in the town of Brewster. I was beside myself with excitement. They looked so cool in the bright sun. The slush piled up in a neat semi-circle on the beach, creating a makeshift barrier between the ocean and land. I would have stayed and watched them for as long as I could, but I had to get to work. That evening, I ventured back down to the same beach. By now, the tide had gone out. The slush waves had led to the return of the ice chunks, although in far smaller form than they were a few weeks ago. I had thought I had grown tired of walking through ice and snow and soaking my shoes, but lo and behold, there I was again up to my ankles in snow trying to get the best angles for photos. Hey, when it’s 90 and humid in August, I’ll be living in the photos and videos of those cold winter days.



4. Welcome to the film business. I learned that things aren’t always smooth sailing when it comes to movies. Longtime readers know that last summer and fall were highlighted by the work I did on the When Henry Met Henry short film. It is a fictional meeting between famed authors Henry Beston and Henry David Thoreau, co-produced by Frank Durant, who wrote the screenplay. We filmed in mid-October, and everything went well. Being that it is a short film, we expected that it would be totally wrapped and edited before the end of 2025. We routinely asked the editor how things were going and rarely got clear answers. My hope is to enter the finished product in at least one local film festival. Those things have deadlines. I needed to know when this film would be done so that I could plan accordingly. This past week, I heard from the editor. He asked if I could at least double what he was getting paid for editing. I was caught off guard but also pretty pissed off. Here he was more than four months after wrapping filming without a finished film, and to top it off, he was asking for more money. That being said, I was kind of caught between a rock and a hard place. I want that film done, and if I balked at the editor’s demands, we might get a poorly done job, or we’d have to edit it ourselves. So I agreed to double his pay. It is technically within our budget of what we raised for the film, so it’s not back-breaking. Still, it was kind of a dick move. I have learned to expect the unexpected when it comes to the film industry. To wrap it up, I hope to have the finished film within a week or two, plenty of time to enter it in a festival I’m interested in. It’ll all work out in the end, hopefully. Except for the editor, I won’t ever do business with him again.


5. This week saw my youngest niece, Sylvie’s 7th birthday. She is, without a doubt, one of my favorite people to ever walk this earth. I am lucky that I have probably at least a couple of handfuls worth of people that I can give that distinction to. They are mainly family and a few close friends. I have always been seen as the ‘fun uncle.’ I never called myself that until my nieces and nephews and their parents gave me the distinction. With Sylvie being the youngest and almost guaranteed to be the last of this generation in my family, I take full advantage of the time I have where she still gets super excited and hyper when she sees me. My mom says she owns me, that I am wrapped around her finger. That’s 100% true. I pretty much do whatever she wants because I want to be associated with fun memories when she grows up. For this birthday, it didn’t disappoint. I had butterfly hair clips in my beard and was fully made up. Eye shadow, lip gloss, eyeliner, the works. I had needed to go to the store after the birthday party was over, and was joking that I just wouldn’t go all made up. The thing is, Sylvie did a good job with the makeup, meaning I didn’t look like a clown as I feared. So I still went to the store in all my made-up glory. It was another present for her birthday. Someday, Sylvie will grow up and not think I am cool anymore, so I cherish all of the moments I can make while she still does.


6. I passed 2,000 days alcohol free this week. It’s amazing how, when you get so far out from a big change in your life, you can almost forget the journey that it took to get to where you are. September marks 6 years since I kicked alcohol the F out of my life. It was a big problem for a while, so I want to make sure that I take every opportunity to celebrate the accomplishment. For too long, I felt I needed alcohol to cope with life and to make me feel better about who I was and where I was at the time. The last thing I wanted to be for younger members of my family was a cautionary tale of things not to do. I have found now 2,000+ days away from my last drink that I am a little of both. The cautionary tale is not to let alcohol become your master. Also, the redemption, if you are down and feel like you might never get up, just keep moving forward and never stop trying. I had days where it was like my brain was on autopilot. My car would seemingly drive itself to the liquor store every day. It was a battle to get out of that habit, but once I was clear of the addiction, I could look back and realize how lucky I was to get away from it. My father is the biggest alcoholic I’ve known in my life, and my greatest fear was ending up like him. The one and pretty much only thing he taught me was that a weak man lets his demons run his life. I chose to be stronger and better. 2,000 days and counting.



7. I got a bit of confirmation this week on something I thought was true. Back late in the summer, I got my car’s oil changed at a Jiffy Lube I had gone to many times. They informed me that, for some reason, they could not get my oil filter off to be replaced. This was even though they were the ones who put the filter on in the first place. I left there thinking they were just incompetent and/or lazy. I would get my answer the next time I needed an oil change. That came this week. I chose to go to the nearest Valvoline spot, which was about 40 minutes from me. The entire process was great. Tire pressure checked, fluids topped off, oil changed, oh yeah, and the filter removed without issue. So, needless to say, it was incompetence and laziness at Jiffy Lube. I don’t think I’ll ever go back there. I’d rather drive 40 minutes each way for a guaranteed positive experience. Thank you, Valvoline. You will see me again.


8. My newest show I’m obsessed with binging is Yellowjackets. The show is about a high school girls' soccer team whose plane crashes deep in the Canadian wilderness and their attempts at survival. It’s a little like Lord of the Flies, but with mostly teenage girls. The show takes place in two timelines. The past is 1996 when the crash happened. I love that because it means the girls would have all been my age, so I immediately relate to them more. Plus, they play a lot of great music from then. But then there’s the other timeline, which is present-day, where the survivors of the crash are trying to cope with the trauma of the events. I won’t spoil anything, but just know it’s far more gory than you might expect. I just finished the first season. There are three out so far, with a fourth that’s supposed to debut soon. It’s also got Christina Ricci and Juliette Lewis as the older versions of two of the characters, which makes the show even better. It comes highly recommended.

9. Going to Walmart is always double the fun. You get to shop for some cheap stuff, and you also get the extra bonus of people watching. Several times in previous blogs, I’ve mentioned the wacky people I’ve come across when visiting Walmart. This time was a slight disappointment. There were no weirdos inside, well, maybe besides me. When pulling into the parking lot, though, I was cut off by some idiot in her SUV. Like she couldn’t wait one extra second for me to pass? She just had to whip out in front of me. I handled it coolly. I followed her around the parking lot until she eventually kept driving. I can’t say if she left and didn’t come back because I found a spot and went in. If you’re gonna be a jerk and nearly cause an accident because you’re jonesing for some Walmart goodies, I’m going to be just as petty and tail you around the lot. So I guess in a way, I was the person today that I would have been looking for to write about when visiting Walmart. Who would have seen that twist coming?


10. My oddest interaction this week was not at Walmart but at the grocery store. At one particular store, there is a 60-something-year-old man who fetches carts. I can tell he doesn’t like his job based on what he mutters to himself as he walks around. This visit to the store ended with me walking outside. There was some idiot who had parked their car in the fire lane and left it running unattended. I walked in front of it and stopped to make sure there weren’t any cars coming. The cart guy, out of the blue, says ‘okay sir there are three things.’ I turned around with a confused look. I said ‘excuse me?’ Then this guy finally did what a normal person would have done and asked if it was my car. When I said no, he apologized. I said, ‘okay well that’s one thing.’ I then walked away, not giving him the chance to say or do anything else weird. I have no clue what his three things were or whether he waited outside for the jerk that owned that car to come back.


11. I walked the nearby stretch of the Cape Cod Rail Trail for the first time in nearly two months. That part was great. Getting to walk five miles outside, even if it was drizzly and 45 degrees. However, I wasn’t ready for the sheer number of downed trees scattered across the bike trail. I spotted at least six good-sized trees along the trail in about ½ mile. I can only assume it’s the same or worse throughout the rest of the bike trail. Even as much of the snow from the recent blizzard has melted away, it will take a lot of work to remove what must be many dozens of trees from the trail. Spring is next week, and yes, you’ll be able to ride or walk the bike trail, but it will be a while before you can do so without having to stop and navigate around fallen trees.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #86: Unlocked Doors, Phantom Receipts, Soberversary, etc.

1. The off-season has begun on Cape Cod. How do I know? On my typical Monday Runday, I forgot to lock my car in the parking lot where my friend Mike and I run the school track. My car was wide open for over an hour. Only when I got back to it and tried to unlock the doors did I realize they had never been locked. Now, yes as a child of the 1980s, I remember growing up in a time when forgetting to lock your doors when you went somewhere wasn’t the invitation for thieves like it is today, but I do not want to live in the past that badly, where I’d leave my valuables there for anyone to take. There was a team of landscapers there mowing and blowing leaves. I am so glad I was polite to them because maybe cussing them out for blowing debris in my face while running could have been the thing to push them over the edge, and they could have filled my car with grass clippings. It pays to be nice to people.


2. Sadly, this week was the first time since early June that I needed to wear a long-sleeved shirt for my morning drive into work. Now it was still 54 degrees, and I didn’t need to wear it when I left, but it is still symbolic. I do love fall. It is my favorite time of year. That being said, I realize that each amazing step through fall gets us closer to winter, which is my least favorite season. The funny part is that I don’t like the cold, but I also don’t like it too hot. I’d love to find a place that was like early fall on Cape Cod year-round, but that place doesn’t exist. It’s also funny how 54 degrees in September feels much cooler than 54 degrees in February.


3. On a more positive note, for the first time since early June, I went and played basketball after work. I had a pretty bad sprain of my left ankle that kept me off the court. (See blog #72 for more details) I told myself that I’d take it easy, but of course, that’s never the case. I might not be able to jump high, or really much at all, anymore, but my brain still thinks I’m 17. I got to running and shooting, and only about 10 minutes into playing, I very nearly did the exact same thing that caused my sprained ankle in June. I was running after the ball and nearly rolled my ankle in the area under the hoop where the dirt is not level with the asphalt, because so many people land there. I’d like to say that I was more careful after that, but I just avoided the areas directly under the hoops, so it was minimally safer. I didn’t get hurt, yet, so that’s a bonus.


4. There’s nothing like the mini heart attack you have when you think your bank account has been hacked. This ends up being a head-shaker and also a bit of a laugh. When I go to Stop & Shop, I get a receipt via email, which I actually enjoy. They typically are in my mailbox before I even get home. This week, I checked my email one evening and was shocked to see an e-receipt from Stop & Shop when I hadn’t gone there. My heart jumped. I figured someone had stolen my bank account info and bought groceries. Then I saw the date of the receipt, which was 2 weeks ago. Then I realized that in order for me to get a receipt, I have to use my rewards card. So that would mean at worst they stole my rewards card info, which is far less threatening. It turned out it was just a glitch on their end. None of my info got stolen, and my heart returned to normal, and I felt a bit foolish, which isn’t that unusual. Also, only a few hours later, I got another old e-receipt from the same Stop & Shop. This one was nearly 3 months old. Now the question is how many of these old receipts come through, and what will be the oldest one?


5. It’s hard to believe that this week marks 24 years since the horrible events of September 11, 2001. It still seems like yesterday. It is amazing to think there are people who are in college today who weren’t alive when it happened. I guess that is how time works. To me, it felt like I was living in some kind of movie. There was no way what was on TV was real. I have only been to New York City once, and that was in 7th grade. When I was there on a school field trip, I got to go inside one of the Twin Towers. It was only the concourse level since we didn’t have time to go up to the observation deck, but I still remember how enormous the building was on the inside. Even that brief moment gave me a connection to those events on 9/11. I wrote a more in-depth blog about my experiences on 9/11 back in 2021, on the 20th anniversary of the events. You can read that here: 9/11: 20 Years Later


6. Squirrels are definitely one of the most annoying animals there are. Not just with how they run into the road with no regard for the vehicles barreling down on them. It’s also how they are nonstop eating machines who don’t care how they get what they want. Don’t get me wrong, it can make for some funny scenes, which is what happened this week. My sister Ashley has spent years trying to grow sunflowers, which are her favorite. This year, she has finally had a few make it. This includes one flower that is nearly 8 feet tall. Apparently, this was too enticing for a squirrel that climbed up to the top and was sitting on the flower, tearing the seeds out and dropping the petals to the ground. Eventually, we were able to scare it off, but it was too late. It’s still standing, and the bees still like it, but the giant sunflower has seen better days.





7. This week marked 5 years of me being alcohol free. My family got me a 5-year sober chip, which is my first one. It seems like yesterday that I was finally able to push that demon aside. When it was still fresh, I remember thinking, ‘I envy those who can just have a few drinks and stop.’ Now, 5 years out, I have less than zero desire to ever have a drink again. Literally nothing good in my life came from, or was made better by, alcohol. So on my 5-year soberversary, I did a lot of celebrating. The day began with me getting to see my youngest niece get on her bus for school, so I knew it was going to be a great day. It also ended with a sunset at my favorite Cape Cod sunset spot, complete with my new selfie stick. Now it’s on to 6 years.


8. While walking the railroad tracks near my favorite sunset spot, I started hearing a noise in the nearby trees. It was a Great Horned Owl. In my infinite wisdom, I decided it would be a good idea to find owl calls on my phone and try to play them to entice a reaction from the Great Horned Owl. It worked, and I started getting callbacks. It is something I have done before. 5 years ago, at Nickerson State Park, I did the same thing but kept going longer as I walked through the woods to get back to my car. By the time I was next to my car, I had at least half a dozen owls in the surrounding trees yelling at me. As for this time, I have no idea how far the owl would have gone. Would it have flown out of the trees to attack me, thinking I was a rival owl? Unfortunately, or fortunately for me, I had to keep walking to stake out a good spot to shoot the sunset so I’ll never know what the end game would have been for my owl call and response game.


9. In crafting a blog post about when I briefly lived in Florida in 2005, I found I needed to find a very old email. I found what I needed and then spent a long time going through my old AOL saved emails. These date all the way back to the beginning of 2005 and are a great time capsule of life back then. I found that in 2006, I paid a whopping $20 to have H&R Block do my Federal and State tax returns. Today, I think it costs closer to $200. I found the correspondence between myself and a North Carolina law firm to settle a speeding ticket I got when driving from Florida back to Cape Cod in 2005. There were photos of my nieces and nephews from when they were little. There were emails from my Grampa. It made me so glad that I was basically a hoarder of emails back in the day.


10. When I get done with work, the last thing I want to do is that same job off the clock. I can’t be the only one who feels this way. For years, when I worked as a cook, I hated the idea of cooking for myself at home. I became a master of the microwave. However, working as a personal trainer in my day job makes it kind of essential that I exercise in my off time. That has become a problem as I feel burned out from all things fitness. Maybe it’s because I’ve been in fitness for 10 years now? Don’t get me wrong, I still do some sort of exercise, typically 4-5 times a week. I just prefer walking outside, mostly to avoid gym crowds, and also because my body doesn’t really like running anymore. Combine this with the fact that I am at a low point in life as far as diet goes, and you can see the problem. My food issues really began when I quit alcohol. It was the distraction I needed to keep my mind off booze. Sadly, now 5 years on from giving up alcohol, I find myself somewhere between 20-30 pounds heavier than I’d like to be. I always tell myself that once I get my eating under control, the weight will just fall off, and I do believe that. It’s just a matter of actually finding the discipline I used to have at my peak in fitness, but using that on my diet. My 48th birthday is about 7 weeks away, so we’ll see if I use the time leading up to it as a chance to get back in shape, or if the birthday itself serves as a kick-off for a return to fitness.


11. I live about a mile from the Cape Cod Rail Trail. It’s an easy walk to get there and then to be able to enjoy the scenery. The road I live on is kind of middle of the pack as far as traffic goes. Definitely not a main road, but not a rural road either. During the summer, I can easily see a dozen or so bike riders going by my window if I am sitting at my laptop like I am now. On Sunday this week, I began to notice riders going by more frequently. Within the span of an hour, I had watched what had to be more than 50 people ride by heading away from where the bike path is. The first few I thought were just a group of friends, but by the time several dozen had gone by, I had to investigate. It turns out there was a charity ride going on for Habitat for Humanity. It started at the Coast Guard station at the Cape Cod Canal in Sandwich at 8am, and people could choose routes as long as 50 miles. Case closed, right? Nope. Those routes for the ride were all along the canal and down into Falmouth. So now I have no idea why so many people went riding by my window on Sunday. UPDATE: It was the Yarmouth Second Summer Cycle supporting 20 local nonprofit organizations. 

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog: #49 - Night Light, Oatmeal Magic, Gift Wrapping Woes, etc.

1. I was doing a bit of cleaning. More like collecting junk to throw away. I came upon a night light I probably hadn’t used in 10 years. I can’t remember why I got it unless I was afraid monsters would get me when I went to the bathroom at night. It had been sitting with a pile of stuff bound for the trash for days. I had second thoughts and figured there must be somewhere I could plug it in in case it was needed. So I plugged it in. I flipped the switch and the bulb immediately blew out. I don’t know what I was expecting after 10 years, but the night light is now officially in the trash.

2. From the ‘good problems’ department. I got a Christmas bonus this week from my job. My boss wrote out a check. Naturally, I wanted to go and cash it. If you don’t have an account at the bank the check is from you just present your driver’s license and sign the back and you’re good to go. The ‘good problem’ came from the fact that the check was for a pretty nice chunk of change. The woman who was helping me actually had me wait while she left and got on the phone. It turned out she was calling my boss to make sure he had written the check and that I wasn’t some thief trying to fleece him with a forgery. That’s the first time that’s ever happened.

3. A fun little game I like to play includes having my chat window open on Facebook. What I do is look at my friends online, typically 12 names fit without having to scroll down. I then imagine what a get-together including all of them would look like. I wonder what types of friend groups I’d have, whether family would get along, or having to introduce strangers to each other. Hey, it could be worse. I could do that same sort of game but have little dolls representing everyone and reenact scenes.

Getting ready to play Facebook Chat.

4. I waited until Christmas morning to wrap the gifts I had. There was one large gift and the rest were all smaller in size. I decided to wrap the smaller ones first since it would be quicker. Big mistake. While wrapping the big gift, one for my mother, I ran out of wrapping paper. I needed a solution rather than bringing the gift over half-wrapped. My brilliant idea was to use a few promotional posters I was given with one of my books. I put them blank side up and finished the wrapping job with them. Foolish, yes, but also resourceful.

5. Hilarity ensued on Christmas. It began with my sister Ashley’s dog Buddha barking nonstop at our aunt who he rarely sees. This went on for probably two hours. The true hilarity came when it was dinner time. Buddha who had been barking at her nonstop decided to be good and go beg for food from our aunt once he ran out of options with the rest of us. As you can see his hunger tops any stranger danger he might have. Hopefully, no white vans offer him candy on the streets.

6. As many of you know I have been sober for going on 4 ½ years. That fact became a superpower on Christmas Eve. As everyone at the party was getting various degrees of inebriated I was standing back and taking notes on some of the fun and foolish things being said and done. Obviously, they’re all my friends so there (likely) won’t be any blackmailing. Plus I’m staring down 50 in a few years I can’t go acting like a rowdy teen anymore, no matter how young I might appear.

7. I hadn’t been into Vitamin Shoppe in quite a while. In the days before COVID, I was in there a lot for supplements, etc for my own fitness. In the time since COVID, it’s been more of finding things in the supermarket or ordering online. That meant that when I went in and the young girl working asked if she could help me I had to actually ask for help rather than knowing what I was looking for. This could have been dangerous if she wanted to try to upsell me on the most expensive products. Luckily I got out of there with only a few things.

8. I have become a big fan of the Outdoor Boys YouTube channel. It’s a father in Alaska who does lots of cool survival camping sometimes with his three sons. They have nearly 12 million subscribers so a lot of others like them too. Perhaps the greatest thing I have learned from the Outdoor Boys is how good putting butter on oatmeal is. That has changed my world. If you haven’t tried it I highly recommend it. If you don’t like oatmeal just try it with loads of butter and cinnamon and sugar, maybe chocolate, or peanut butter. It’ll be just like candy, very healthy.

9. I’ve been on a kick of watching Larry Bird highlights. It makes me feel lucky that I grew up where I did and when I did as I got to watch him in his prime. An unintended side effect is my realization of how much I love the old 1980s sports uniforms, not just basketball. Maybe it’s just the old logos but I love the Mavericks and Cavaliers in basketball. The Padres, Expos, Astros, and Pirates in baseball. The Oilers, Buccaneers, and even the old Patriots uniforms in football. They all remind me of my childhood.

10. I’m a big fan of the hydromassage beds at Planet Fitness. It makes my Black Card membership worth it. Anyway, I was next in line for one of the 2 beds. They said a 5-minute wait. I sat down and waited and noticed a man leaving the hydro room. So I went in. For some reason, he had left before the 10-minute massage time was done. Rather than let that go to waste I jumped on and got 3 extra minutes. Then when that was finished the other bed, the one I was signed up for, was ready. So I got 10 minutes there. Before my time was done I saw the other bed was ready to go again. I figured this was for another member but when my 10 minutes was up nobody had come in or was in sight. I debated getting another round of hydro but figured that I’d jump on that bed and someone would show up and yell. So I just left.

What I’ve Learned In My 40’s(so far): 1. Being A Slave to a Demon, and Also Slaying That Demon

 

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I do believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you then can start to put into practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

For me, as I stare down 47, I can honestly say that my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

1. I’ve learned what it’s like to be a slave to a demon, and also what it’s like to slay that demon.

Alcoholism has been a part of my life since I started making memories. Until I hit 40 however it was always a cautionary tale dealing with others. My father was an alcoholic from as far back as I remember. I can’t remember a time when he didn’t have an open can of beer and a cigarette sitting in an ashtray. The smell of smoke and the sound of him belching loudly was as much a part of my Sundays at my Nana’s as Wiffle ball games and hot dogs and beans.

As I grew older and my connection to my father faded further away I made a decision to not become an alcoholic to spite him. My greatest fear in my adult life was hearing someone tell me I was just like my father. I couldn’t help if I looked like him or sounded like him but I could make sure I didn’t wind up a drunk like him. It wasn’t that easy.

I enjoyed having a few drinks once in a while in my 20s and 30s. Every so often I’d overdo it and wind up with a hangover but those events were the exception, not the rule. I feared the alcoholism gene being switched on when I was in my 20s. I can still remember being 21 and sitting in the living room at our house on Broadway in West Yarmouth. I had a 6-pack of some sort of winter-flavored beer and was knocking them back when my mother gave me a stern warning.

She mentioned the gene. She also mentioned that she had gone through dealing with an alcoholic with my father at roughly the same age I was then. My mother said she would not go through that with me. That triggered the fear. The fear of becoming my father’s son was more powerful than the beer, at least at that point.

I kept it in check until I hit 40. It was the death of one of my oldest friends Matt a few weeks before Christmas in 2017 that gave the alcohol the opening it needed. In looking for a way to dull the pain of the grief I turned to a friend I swore I’d never turn to. The only difference between 21-year-old me sitting at Broadway with a 6-pack, and 40-year-old with a pile of vodka nips, was that there was nobody to hold me accountable.

The booze helped me cope with Matt’s death, or at least that was my reasoning. I still wasn’t an alcoholic, I was just a sad person who had lost a friend. These are the lies you tell yourself when you know you’re going down a bad path. There’s always an excuse.

My routine barely wavered for nearly 3 years. I was in a liquor store every day, except if I grabbed enough to last me 2 days. I had preferences on what I bought to drink and didn’t stray from them. In fact, if I switched up my order the folks at the liquor stores would remark about it. That’s how familiar they were with me, they knew my daily haul. Being confronted with this I would frequent a different liquor store for a while rather than taking it as a sign that alcohol was too big of a part of my life.

I used to shake my head in disapproval when my father would stop at a liquor store on the ride home from work every single time he drove me home. Now here I was in my 40s, the same age he was then, doing the exact same thing. I was more like him than I ever thought. A lot of sons want to follow in their father’s footsteps. It’s just too bad that my father’s footsteps always led to a liquor store or the unemployment line.

Sure I could blame the deaths of friends and family. I could blame the financial hardship brought on by taking a chance at a career change. I could blame hitting 40. The truth is that I didn’t want to stop drinking. It was a warm blanket of detachment. If I was drinking every night I didn’t have to actually do the work of dealing with all of the issues I just mentioned. The fact that ended up quitting drinking and have been sober for over 4 years shows that I could have done it if I had truly wanted to.

Maybe I say that with 20/20 hindsight. I don’t know. I think there were times during my time as a functioning alcoholic when I was angry and embarrassed that I seemingly had no self-control or self-respect. These times were typically not long after I’d finished my nightly allotment of booze, or first thing the next morning. By early afternoon though all was forgiven and I was back in line at the packie. Thankfully those days are now long gone but for a while, it felt like the demon was my master.

Next: Part 2 - Learning To Let Go of Toxic People, Even Those Close To You

4 Years Alcohol-Free: How I Got Here & Why I Stay Here

     September 12, 2024, is a milestone as I pass four years alcohol-free.

     Many of you know my story of how and why I did it. I will give a bit of an overview for those who might not know.

     How? It was simple and yet arduous. I had to quit cold turkey. September 12, 2020, the first night without alcohol after drinking nearly every night for close to three years was incredibly difficult. I essentially had to tie myself to my couch and bribe myself by saying I could do pretty much anything else except for drinking alcohol.

     Alcohol had been my nearest and dearest confidant for so long that giving it up was a big change. It took weeks to feel like the change might last. After that, it was a matter of being diligent but also easy on myself. That meant doing pretty much whatever I had to do to keep me from drinking. This included eating loads of bad foods to replace the hole left by alcohol.

     Naturally, this led to a weight gain issue but I figured it was better than the alcohol issue. I did my best to not totally lose who I was as I tried to remember who I was before alcohol. I parlayed my lucid evenings I now had into an idea for a podcast which ended up being the thing I focused on to keep booze in the rearview mirror.

     Why did I quit drinking? The short answer is I had finally run out of excuses not to. My last drink I had was on September 11^th and I said I ‘had’ to drink to mourn those we lost on 9/11. Noble? Maybe. Not the way I meant it. Like I said it was my last excuse to continue down a road that had led me so far from who I wanted to be.

Sunset on September 11, 2020

     Alcoholism runs in my family so I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t know falling into that pool was possible. I just thought I was stronger than that. I wasn’t. There were extenuating circumstances that started me down that road.

     Losing one of my oldest friends, Matt, suddenly close to Christmas in 2017 was tough, especially because I’d had the chance to speak to him a few days before but passed on it because I was tired from work. The guilt I felt was tough to take sober so I started drinking to numb it.

     In the past, I had been able to drink once a week or something like that, you know, have a few drinks but not have it become my defining characteristic. My friend’s death shattered the illusion that I had control.

     I battled being basically a day from being flat broke. Not getting the hours I needed in a new career I had begun as a personal trainer made me question my choices. I had no cash, had maxed out my credit cards, and was so broke that I couldn’t even afford a bottled water and protein bar at a supermarket. I had my card declined and had to return the bar.

     I had to borrow money from a client I was training in-home to stabilize my life. I hate being in debt to people so this was a hard pill to swallow. Over time I had to go back into cooking for a consistent paycheck. These things only strengthened my bond with alcohol.

     The first half of 2019 saw my hero, my Grampa deteriorate and ultimately pass due to Alzheimer’s. Being there every step of the decline was a trauma I’ve honestly yet to get over. I’d go from visiting him at the facility to drinking as soon as I left to wash the pain from my heart.

If I can be half of who he was I will have lived a successful life.

     My drinking only got worse coping with Grampa’s loss. Then came Covid. Mere weeks before I had left my cooking job at a retirement home where his wife, my Nina, was a resident. I wanted to take another retirement home job with fewer hours so I could refocus on personal training.

     I got to the new job with fewer hours and Covid hit. I was stuck there and couldn’t do any training. Worst of all my Nina was stuck on the inside at my old job. The family couldn’t see her except through her window. If I hadn’t been so impatient I might have stayed there and been on the inside to comfort my Nina. Again, that is a guilt I have yet to get over.

     Flash forward about six months. I had run out of excuses to drink besides admitting I was a weak, sad, addict that was not in control of his life. Up to that point I had suffered in silence. This was both in my drinking and my coping with the losses of my friend Matt and my Grampa.

     It was a tough go but day by day I’ve made it to where I am now. But why do I stay alcohol-free? Surely I could attempt to go back to being a ‘social drinker’ right? The funny thing is that the further I got from alcohol the more I realized I didn’t need it, and I never did.

     Looking back over my life I can say there is nothing I did or experienced that was made better with alcohol. I didn’t miss it. What I started noticing was that my own story of recovering from alcohol dependency was inspiring others. I finally opened up about my weakness and the fight I’d been going through and it resonated with people. My family and friends were proud of me.

     This leads to two of the biggest reasons I choose to remain alcohol-free. My sister Ashley and my Uncle Bob. Both of them battled their own demons and had broken free of alcohol. They were both so proud of me and I felt that if I took a risk of even one drink I’d be letting them down.

     If I went back to drinking I’d be just another person to fall off the wagon. Just another person to talk a big game but gave up when rough patches came. And came they did.

     I lost my Nina in 2021, lost my Aunt Brenda and old friend Pete in 2022, and lost my Uncle Eric in 2023. I faced them all without the crutch of alcohol. In the four years since I last had a drink the only time I came close to falling off the wagon was when my Uncle Eric died. He had been like a father to me and I hadn’t been there at the end when he was dying of cancer. In fact, I learned of his death the day after it happened. It is a trauma that remains an open wound. I am currently listening to a Hawaiian music station on Pandora that includes many songs Uncle Eric shared with me. This is because this music makes me remember him and helps me to go to the places I have to go to share these experiences.

     I sat in the parking lot of a liquor store I used to visit so much that they knew when I changed my ‘normal’ order. In my mind it didn’t matter if I didn’t drink, I was going to die someday so why not just do what you want, right? My memories of Uncle Eric stopped me from going inside. I thought how upset he’d be if he knew I was using his death as an excuse to start drinking again.

Trying to live the life those I've lost would want for me.

     A few weeks before writing this I was listening to a podcast by a guy named Mark Manson. I have become a huge fan of his in 2024 including reading both of his books. His podcast is a part of a deep personal development journey I’ve been on in 2024. I need to build from the ashes of the last several years mentally. I might have stopped drinking but losing so many people close to me in short order drained me.

     On this particular episode of Mark Manson’s podcast, he was doing a Q&A. A question he answered has profoundly affected me since I heard it.

     The question was from someone who had recently lost a family member and they wanted to know the best way to honor them going forward. Manson’s reply was that they should try to live a life that their lost family member would want for them.

     It floored me. I immediately thought of those I had lost. Am I living the life Grampa would want for me? Or Nina? Or Uncle Eric? I don’t think I am. I don’t think I am extremely far from what they’d want for me, but I’m far enough away in my mind that it’s got me looking at my entire life.

     The idea of being an inspiration rather than a cautionary tale is a pressure I’m willing to accept. I don’t have many responsibilities. No wife. No kids. No real attachments. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’d love the security of a family and a house. However, I also love the fact that I can pack and go on a road trip without anything to stop me.

     No matter what if any changes I make in the next year of my life one change that I won’t make is letting alcohol back into my life. It does me no good. If it does you good that’s fine, to each their own. However, if you feel it’s way too big a part of your life and you want to give it up just know that you can.

     If I could do it so can you. My journey is not unique but if it can inspire anyone looking to give up alcohol to do so then I am happy to share my journey.

     It’s been four years since I last had a drink. 1,462 days and counting. Life can still be tough sometimes but it’s about finding better ways to cope with the curve balls. 

It's a long and winding road that is life.

Initial Impressions 2.0 #11: Car Phone Calls, Solar Eclipse, Expired Food, etc.

#11 – Car Phone Calls

1. Has anyone else walked through a parking lot and heard a ridiculously loud phone conversation inside someone’s car through their speakers? Are you ever tempted to stop walking and stand near the car and listen? I mean honestly, it’s a public place. If you are upset that people can hear both sides of your entire conversation maybe don’t have the volume cranked to 1,000 on your speakers. Or better yet just hold the phone to your ear like they’ve been doing for 140 years.

2. Always check expiration dates on food. Yeah no duh right? Well, I was at a supermarket and they sell these cheesy hash brown potatoes made by Resers. They remind me of the ones my Nana used to make on holidays. So I grabbed a pack to have as part of dinner to give me some of that nostalgia I crave. When I opened them to put in the microwave? Well, let’s say you could tell they were expired. So I looked. How expired? Try 6 months expired. Of course, I should have checked, but also, seriously? Nobody in that supermarket checks dates on food and allows it to get to 6 months expired? Wow.

Do these look expired to you?

3. Being in my mid-40s now I find that I like what I like and don’t have any interest in trying new things. I don’t want to play golf, or ski, or surf, or skydive. But the things I do like, photography, content creation, writing, exercise, etc. I love those things. I don’t think I’m totally rigid, I mean there are things I might want to try, but things I have no interest in, I don’t feel like I have to defend anymore. I think being (hopefully) halfway through my life makes me want to spend more time doing what I like, with who I like, and not feeling bad about that.

4. It wasn’t a tremendously cold winter where I live. We didn’t get much snow at all. That notwithstanding I have to admit that when I was helping my friend Steve put in a dock at a lake this week I was nearly overcome with joy at the horde of gnats circling me to signify the beginning of warmer weather. Yay bugs in my face, never thought I’d say that.

5. We had a total solar eclipse in the U.S. this week. On Cape Cod, we got to a good 80% coverage of the sun by the moon. The scene was still unique as it was a dim yellowish sky as the eclipse hit its peak. At my work, we were lucky that we each had special glasses to watch. I ended up taping the glasses over my phone camera lens to shoot a cool video of the eclipse. You can see it here: Solar Eclipse 2024: Cape Cod, MA

6. Spring brings back the blooming flowers, the budding trees, and the singing birds. It also brings back the woodpecker(s) that find enjoyment by pecking at the metal gutters right on the other side of my wall. It’s literally like a jackhammer that inevitably scares the hell out of me the first time it happens. I know it’s woodpeckers because I’ve actually gone out the front door like a crazy person and yelled at them. Yup, that’s me now, one step away from yelling at clouds.

The anger is real.

7. There’s something so calming about a long walk in early spring. The weather has warmed enough. The birds are chirping and scavenging for food. There are smells of fresh grass and fresh mulch, and even the scent of dryer sheets coming from someone’s house is relaxing. If you can go out for a walk in this type of weather definitely do it, plus you burn calories so bonus.

Get out and enjoy the early spring weather

8. There was some work being done on the septic system behind my work this week. One benefit of this was that one of the workers brought their German Shepard to hang around the site. The poor dog was stuck as it was terrified of the backhoe doing some digging, but couldn’t run away since its owner was there working. It was just in a scared in-between state with its tail between its legs. However by the time I left for the day, it ended up leaving a trail of poop and someone (not me) had already stepped in it, so there was that little bit of revenge.

9. As of the day I am writing this I am 1,309 days alcohol free. It was a long road through dark days before I could finally summon the strength to try and actually succeed in giving up something that didn’t bring anything good to my life ever. I don’t go overboard in sharing how long it’s been for me, but I do make sure to keep sharing where I am at. Partially to let others know they can do it too if they’re looking to give up alcohol. Also, I do it so that people who know me don’t start to wonder if I’ve fallen off.

10. For those wondering the Euphora good mood shot I got as a free gift a few weeks back was just ok. I don’t know what I was expecting as far as euphoria went. I wasn’t communicating with my higher self, I wasn’t floating into another realm of reality, but I did feel calm and peaceful so there’s that. If you want to try be my guest but be aware each individual shot is about $4 so weigh the cost vs. how much you want to try it. Euphora - Results RNA

Listen to the In My Footsteps Podcast

Subscribe to the YouTube Channel

Initial Impressions 2.0 #7: Parking Spots, Unknown Texters, St. Patrick's Day, etc

#7: Parking Spots

1. At most beaches there are parking spots for regular vehicles and then a few much longer spots meant for boat trailers. There is one beach on Cape Cod I go to where cars park in the boat trailer spots. Rather than park at the rear of the spot near the railing, I have seen many cars park near the front end of the spots. This leaves a good 10-15 feet of room behind the car. I have no clue why so many vehicles do this. It looks ridiculous, I am almost tempted to go park in the spot behind them as there is more than enough room for my car as well.

2. Got a random text from an unknown number saying they hadn’t heard from me for a while and were wondering how I was doing. Okay, for a split second, I thought maybe a friend had changed their number. When I asked who they were they responded that we had met at a party in Marlborough and that I had remarked on how pretty she looked in her red dress. Ha! Jokes on them I’m old and don’t go out partying anymore especially not over an hour from home. Buh bye, blocked.

3. My 91-year-old client, the oldest person I have ever trained, came in for our session without her cane for the first time. I was like a proud parent. She came to me because a physical therapist basically told her she was too old to better herself physically. A terrible way to treat someone and this client’s success will prove that therapist wrong.

4. Welcome to Cape Cod in the spring. Today’s weather? Temperatures anywhere from the 20s-60s, likely cloudy, foggy, drizzly, or maybe some peaks of sun, or maybe a freak snowstorm. Or maybe all of the above on the same day.

Clouds, sun, 40s, maybe rain, just spring on Cape Cod.

5. If you post something on social media and can’t distinguish between ‘to’ and ‘too’ or ‘there’ ‘their’ and ‘they’re’ anything else you have to say is white noise to me.

6. My return to Walmart yielded much better results. A woman asked an employee where the braces were. The employee said they were all in the next aisle over halfway down, on the left. Pretty straightforward. I was in that aisle actually looking at those braces thinking of getting one for my ankle for running. Anyway, the woman comes down the aisle, walks the whole way staring at the right side, never turns to the left, and walks away shaking her head.

7. My goal eventually is to turn these blogs into a sort of weekly video podcast. The thought was to use my DSLR camera to film and my podcast microphone. However, I can’t hook the mic into the camera so I need to now purchase an affordable camera to record, or just yell really loud throughout the podcast. We’ll see which makes more sense financially.

8. I have been single for several years and choose to stay that way. The main reason why is that I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in one. Finding someone who is ‘better than nothing’ is an insult not only to me but to the person chosen. I’d rather be single than pick a body at random to fill a spot in my life.

9. At a beach in Wellfleet I saw a car with New York plates parked basically blocking the entrance to the sand in between 2 big No Parking signs. I asked if he saw them. He waited until I was back at my car to step out and say something. I calmly said, “The signs say No Parking, hold on let me get a photo of your car parked there with its license plate to share.” He left pretty quickly. With a hundred parking spots in the lot, the guy decided to park on the edge of the sand where erosion is a huge issue, jerk.

10. Is St. Patrick’s Day the holiday most associated with alcohol? It’s either that or Cinco de Mayo. It’s one or the other because loads of people who aren’t Irish or Mexican suddenly are all about it as a reason to get hammered and act like idiots. I think being 3 ½ years sober has me seeing those holidays in a different light and that’s coming from someone who is 28% Irish.

Listen to the In My Footsteps Podcast

Subscribe to the YouTube Channel

3 Years Alcohol-Free: My Journey(9-12-2023)

Today marks 3 years of being alcohol-free.

3 years ago I finally ran out of excuses as to why I NEEDED alcohol every single day for months and years on end.

There was a joke on an episode of Seinfeld about ending a relationship being like pushing a vending machine over. It doesn’t go in one push. You need to rock it back and forth and get some momentum and eventually, it goes over.

This was my journey to sobriety. At least in the waning months. I would go one night without drinking and think I had it beat but then something stressful would creep up and I found myself as I’d done countless times before, pulling into a liquor store parking lot and grabbing my drink of choice to numb that stress.

It’s funny, when I was growing up I never had a desire to drink alcohol. My father was for the entirety of my life an alcoholic and seeing the grip that booze had on who he was made me vow to break the cycle.

Then even when I did drink it was always with friends, maybe once a week. It was under control, and never an issue. Drinking with friends, in a social situation is one thing. Drinking alone, every night, as a way to run from stress is another.

It began in late 2017 with the sudden and shocking death of one of my oldest friends Matt. There was an overwhelming sense of guilt on my end. I had seen him at a store the night before he died, and rather than speak to him I went the other way. I was tired and worn out from work and figured there would be another time to chat. There wasn’t.

Alcohol dulled that guilt.

My reliance on booze only grew in 2018 as I was having financial troubles. I wasn’t making enough money as a trainer due to lack of hours and my boss refused to give me more hours. I had blown through all of my savings, maxed out credit cards, and even had to borrow money from a training client just to make rent. The final straw was when I didn’t have enough money to buy a protein bar and water at Shaw’s. It was embarrassing to tell the cashier that I had to put the bar back.

From 8 years old I wanted to be a writer. As I got older and began to write books and articles I kept hoping for the big break. In the meantime, I needed a day job to pay bills. For years it was restaurant work. However becoming a personal trainer was a better path in my mind as I could help people become the best version of themselves while I was doing the same in my own life.

Here I was in 2018 with literally cents to my name. I had to leave training and go back to restaurant work. I loved the people I worked with at the retirement home, but hated cooking. So booze dulled the embarrassment of giving up on training.

Then as 2018 drew to an end my Grampa, my hero, began the quick and shocking slide due to Alzheimer’s. Seeing my definition of a man, my definition of strength, the person I tried to be like, turn into someone who had to be barricaded in his house at night because he had begun wandering away, it was a lot to handle. Booze helped push the trauma away.

With my Grampa at Christmas 2010

Grampa didn’t get better, he only got worse. Because he was my hero, and because I had been to traumatized to visit my Nana more than once when she was near the end, I was there nearly every day. I watched the decline. I had my Nina begging me to help them when there was literally nothing I could do but sit and watch Grampa slip away. Booze helped me remember who Grampa was and forget what I was seeing.

Then in May 2019 he passed. I was there near the end, but didn’t want to feel anything. I went to the facility and said my goodbyes, and then went back to work. Booze would be there to help later.

From that point on it got worse. Stress piled up, it was not talked about or dealt with because most men don’t want to open up. Hell, even this I am writing I am tempted to delete after virtually every sentence.

My drinking kept getting worse. Losing Grampa was a trauma that I still haven’t fully processed. I would drink every night without fail. So much so that liquor stores began to know me and my typical orders. When I got something different they’d remark that it wasn’t my ‘usual.’ I, the one who had been so cavalier and confident that I’d never succumb to the alcoholic gene that ran in my family, now had a ‘usual’ order at liquor stores.

One of the worst parts was that I was aware. I knew where this path had taken me, and where it was going to go. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I had gone from the kid that took his SATs at age 13, to a 40+ year old man that needed alcohol ever night to cope with life. But I kept it quiet.

Despite drinking every night I was a master at keeping it hidden. The funny thing is looking back there were hints I left all over social media. Random sunset photos with a nip in the shot. Me always saying it was time for ‘a drink and a sunset,’ hoping people noticed the sunset and not the drink part.

Photos like this dotted my social media.

I knew exactly how much I could drink to avoid a hangover. There would be nips in my car’s center console waiting for me after work. Anything I brought home was hidden in something else, and held tight so that cans or bottles didn’t clink against each other. Booze owned me and I had times when I thought that this was now my life.

I tried to rally. I left the retirement home cooking job to take another similar job. It was closer to where I lived and fewer hours. My goal was to start doing more in-home personal training. This would start the comeback. I switched jobs at the end of February 2020. Covid locked things down a few weeks later.

My in-home training was shut down. I was now full-time cooking again. Worst of all, my Nina was a resident at the job I had left. So in the midst of a pandemic I left her there when I could have been on the inside to be there for her. Granted nobody knew what was coming, but in my mind, I had abandoned my Nina. But I’d never abandon booze.

Covid was a built-in excuse to keep drinking. It was a once in a century world event, you cope with it by any means necessary. As summer dragged on I had a moment. I had cooked for so long that I could quite literally do it well even when hungover. But I noticed certain jobs taking longer than they should. It was frustrating. The problem was that for years my brain had been in a constant state of processing alcohol. My brain was slowing down.

I also began waking up to the overwhelming toxicity of the place I worked. When you’re down, when you’re drinking all the time to cope, you accept things the way they are because it’s easier than trying to make a change. There’s always an excuse not to do something.

About 6 weeks before quitting I had a shock to my system. I had wanted to hang out with a friend and help her brainstorm finding a new place to live. I was stunned when she said that we shouldn't hang out because she needed to remain focused and all I wanted to do was drink. I was hurt and offended. It didn't stop my drinking though. It actually made it worse, like a last rush toward the finish line. I figured I'd show her who had a drinking problem. Eventually, though I began to reflect on what she said and it got me thinking that maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was me. 

My last excuse came on September 11, 2020. My booze that night was in memory of 9/11. A ‘noble’ thing in my mind. I popped a nip and took some amazing sunset photos in Truro. It would be the last sunset that was tinged with alcohol.

September 11, 2020 in Truro. The last night.

As I drove the highway home I knew that something had to change. Drinking heavily in your 20s is one thing. You can chalk it up to being young and making your way into adulthood. Drinking heavily in your 40s, alone, that’s where you become a cautionary tale for others. I wanted to be a positive role model for my family, not someone used as a threat. ‘If you keep up this lifestyle you’re going to end up like Chris.’

So September 12^th I decided to at least try to stop drinking. I had to virtually tie myself down to keep me from hitting a liquor store. The first few days were hard, my brain and body were angry that they weren’t getting their medicine. That began to dissipate slowly.

Eventually, the brain fog lifted.

My brain began to clear and regain its normal speed. It was at this time that I got the idea to do my own podcast. The work on that basically took up any time I’d have used for drinking.

I also became more aware of my toxic work environment. It got so bad that I ended up giving my notice in the middle of a pandemic with no backup plan. My mental health was not going to improve in that environment. I ended up getting back into training at a great job I’ve had for well over 2 years and despite still needing a day job I’ve had 9 books published including a very important true crime book associated with Cape Cod’s infamous Lady of the Dunes murder.

My portfolio thus far. I have much more I want to accomplish.

Circling back, I am now at 3 years alcohol-free. I have no desire to ever drink again. As I look back I realize that nothing good in my life came from drinking. There is no event that I think was made better with alcohol, not one.

Stressors in life haven’t gone away, I just deal with them without alcohol. In the last few years, I’ve lost my Nina, my Uncle Eric, my old friend Pete, and Brenda who was like family. I’m in my mid-40s still chasing my writing dreams. I would love my own house, and maybe a family, there is so much I have left to accomplish. But my defeat of the alcoholic gene that permeates my DNA is one of my proudest achievements. Sure, I’m not proud that I got into such a dark place, but I now can serve as an inspiration for those who might currently be in that place.

Not everyone who drinks has a problem. For many years I fell into that category. However with the alcoholic gene you truly never know what event, or what drink, is going to flip the switch. I am happy to leave that switch turned off for the rest of my life.

Here’s to 3 years alcohol-free. If by sharing an in-depth look at my journey I help even one person it will have been worth it. Thank you for reading!