9/11: 25 Years Later

I remember where I was on Tuesday morning, September 11, 2001. It is hard to believe that we are looking at it as being 25 years ago. I lived through it, and those memories have remained clear and present ever since.

Manhattan is more than 250 miles from where I lived on Cape Cod. There are times when it feels like the other side of the world. On 9/11, it felt like everything I was seeing was happening right outside my door.

I was 23 years old, living with my family in a small house on a small road that ended in a cul-de-sac. It was a mundane morning. I had the day off from work and was sitting in the living room at our big, boxy dial-up internet-connected computer.

The morning consisted of writing an unremarkable email to my friend Barry. Back then I didn’t have a cell phone, so the best way to stay in touch with people was either through a landline phone or via email. I remember I was going to tell him I was going to visit Nickerson State Park in Brewster on my day off.

Despite never finishing that email, I still remember its contents. It was so blissfully ordinary. It was my last memory of the time before. I wish I had kept writing that email and sent it instead of turning off the computer. However, everything happened in a flash.



I remember my mother's frantic screams when she heard the first radio reports in her car. She was in the driveway. I don’t remember if she had just gotten home, or was getting ready to leave. Her screams for us to put on the television inside, I can hear today as I close my eyes.

From those early morning moments, I remained seated on the couch watching. I watched as the towers fell. It felt like watching a big-budget Hollywood film that was playing, but this was real. Everything from the television itself, to the layout of the living room, to the feeling of being hungry yet being frozen where I sat; it’s all still with me today.

I remembered the memories of visiting the Twin Towers when I was in 7th Grade. They all came flooding back as smoke and ash filled the view of Lower Manhattan on 9/11. That had been 10 years earlier, 35 years ago now, on a field trip from Mattacheese Middle School. Ironically, a lot of that trip is burned into my memory as well, but in a far more positive light.

It was my first real trip to New York City. My classmates and I saw the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, and I even bought a bogus ‘gold’ chain off of a street vendor. One of the places we visited was the World Trade Center complex.

Looking up from the ground, the Twin Towers appeared to pierce the sky. I believe time was running short during that field trip, and so we were not able to go all the way up the 110 stories to the observation deck. We got to go inside to the lobby of one of the towers. I was able to go up to the first concourse level and look down. Maybe it was 20-30 feet up; I don’t remember that, but I can see the bustling energy of the people coming in and out still clear as day.

I remember the surreal feeling on 9/11 watching the towers fall, contrasted with the memories of being there years earlier. It was a struggle, knowing they were now only a memory. Things like that don’t happen, at least not on such a scale. It was like I was floating, or falling down an elevator shaft. I remember having that feeling for the next few days.

Being so far away was no comfort. Everything was on the table after watching the towers fall. Sure, in all honesty, I didn’t feel as though a plane was going to come crashing into any place near me, but that was of no comfort. On 9/11, especially in those early hours, you truly had no idea of what might happen next.

I remember my sister Kate, pregnant with my niece Emma (now 24), frantically calling my then-brother-in-law Peter. He was out on a job landscaping, and she told him what was happening and also wanted to make sure he was alright. She told him in so many words that the world as we knew it was coming to an end. It was hard to imagine such a bold and audacious thought being true, but it was.

I remember my niece Kaleigh, all of 2 ½ years old(now 27), staring at us with a mix of concern and curiosity at what was on the television that was causing all of our fear and angst. How do you explain what was happening to a child? I was in my 20s and couldn’t figure out how to explain it to anyone who might ask. My mother eventually brought Kaleigh into her bedroom and even put Barney on for her to watch, a show my mom really didn’t like. I often wonder if she has any memory from that day. Maybe it is more of an underlying feeling that she can’t explain?

Hours wore on, and I sat on that couch. The towers fell, the Pentagon was hit, and a mystery fourth plane had gone down in rural Pennsylvania. Even when all air travel was suspended, it felt as though some new threat was going to begin. I remember feeling physically on edge but mentally tired watching things unfold.

I am an empath; it’s always been a blessing and a curse. On 9/11, my heart and soul ached for the thousands of people in New York, Washington, and Pennsylvania affected directly by the attacks. Then I’d think of the families and friends of those lost in the attacks. It was a scale of sadness and loss I’d never imagined.

It was a push and pull between wanting to close my eyes and forcing them to watch. There were a few moments where I wanted to retreat into my bedroom, or take off in my car to try to escape it. There was no escaping it. This was real. This was serious. This was a line of demarcation between one timeline and another.

I remember fearing that if I stopped watching, something else would happen. It was as if I was waiting for a cut scene, like it was a docudrama where they would say, 'that's what the end of days would look like.' Then life would go back to normal, but it didn't. It really never has.

That day on Cape Cod was perfect weather-wise. It was sunny, low humidity, temperatures in the mid-70s. I had planned to visit Nickerson State Park. It would have been a simple day. My Fuji FinePix digital camera, some sort of fast food for lunch which I’d have eaten in the car, and maybe a magazine to read while I sat in the quiet companionship of nature.

Staring out of the living room window at that beautiful late summer day in front of me and contrasting it with the scene of utter horror on the television left me feeling both detached and attached to the situation at the same time. I hoped I would have another day like the one I was meant to have on 9/11 before the towers fell.

By late afternoon it appeared as though the attacks were over. It was an attempt to try to figure out the scope of the damage and also who did it and why. I had skipped lunch but didn’t feel hungry. I still felt the need to venture out to make certain that my world close by was still standing.

The most surreal thing for me was driving around the town of Dennis. Everything in my little corner of the world looked the same, yet I knew everything was different. All of the houses were standing, all of the businesses were open, and there were some cars on the road. It was quieter than expected. Now things do slow down on Cape Cod when Labor Day passes, but I knew that people were glued to their televisions like I had been all day.

I remember feeling so small and insignificant. There was an overwhelming sense of pride, respect, and love for the firefighters and police who were walking into the battle zone when everyone else was running away. I wondered what it took to have that much courage. Perhaps when the situation arises, you just turn off the fear in your brain in the name of duty?

I stepped out for maybe a half-hour in the afternoon. I believe I went to a Subway to get dinner. I don’t remember any conversations I might have had with the people working there, although I am sure we spoke of the tragedy that was unfolding as we stood there.

Once back home, it was a return to sitting frozen still on the couch. I don’t think I left that spot for fourteen hours in total. I was just watching. I was trying to process something that couldn’t be processed. Part of me foolishly still hoped that there would be a disclaimer on the screen that said it was all a hoax. It would be like War of the Worlds on the radio; even as night fell, I clung to that belief.

I remember the next morning being back to business as usual. I returned to work cooking at The Marshside restaurant. It was a slower day since the busy season had ended. Still, I tried to occupy myself with as many tasks as I could.

At some point I found myself standing on the deck with Maui. He was the head chef, and I had known him for 8 years at that point. I remember still having that feeling of falling as we spoke. I don’t know how else to explain it. It was like my body’s empathy for the enormous loss.

The deep blue sky was untouched by the gentle exhaust of aircraft as all air travel was still suspended. I also remember the silence. It felt like there was an overwhelming and deafening silence that surrounded those days. It was as if all of us were quietly trying to wrap our heads around what this all meant.

I remember the names coming out over the next few days. I remember the photos, the interviews, the magazines, the newspapers; I still have them, so I will always remember. There is a box in my mother’s basement that is filled with these things I gathered over the coming weeks.

It became even more real when attending a candlelight vigil a week or so later. It was held in the parking lot of the Patriot Square shopping center in Dennis. I don’t remember how many people were there; it was probably a few hundred. We all needed to be around each other to collectively process and grieve, even though most of us didn’t know each other.

I remember there being a few people there who had come from Ground Zero and had helped in the massive recovery effort. Their words painted the picture of the scale of the devastation. I shook their hands, thanked them for their efforts, and said they were heroes for what they had done. Shaking their hands made me feel a direct connection to New York and Ground Zero.

I remember each anniversary of the day that changed our world. Over the years, many harrowing accounts of survival came out. There were stories of people having near misses. There were more magazines, books, and even movies about the events of 9/11. Amazingly, there were fleeting moments in some of the movies where I felt myself asking if it was all real.

In the 25 years since 9/11, I have never been to Manhattan. I have never been to One World Trade Center, which was opened in 2014 and stands an appropriate 1,776 feet tall. I have never been to the 9/11 Memorial, although many Cape Cod police and fire departments display pieces of debris from the Twin Towers.

As I write this, with the memories of that day filling my head, it’s hard to believe that it has been 25 years now. It's hard to believe some people have grown up not knowing about 9/11. If you're under 25, this event probably hits you like World War II did for my generation. 

Please take a moment to remember. Even if you knew nobody involved, or have never even been to New York, just stop and remember for a moment.

Remember 9/11. Remember those who died in the attacks. Remember those who bravely fought on the hijacked planes. Remember those who ran toward the disaster knowing they might not make it out. Remember the families who lost fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, spouses, and children.

We are all part of one family, the human family; above all else, always remember that. Peace and love.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #86: Unlocked Doors, Phantom Receipts, Soberversary, etc.

1. The off-season has begun on Cape Cod. How do I know? On my typical Monday Runday, I forgot to lock my car in the parking lot where my friend Mike and I run the school track. My car was wide open for over an hour. Only when I got back to it and tried to unlock the doors did I realize they had never been locked. Now, yes as a child of the 1980s, I remember growing up in a time when forgetting to lock your doors when you went somewhere wasn’t the invitation for thieves like it is today, but I do not want to live in the past that badly, where I’d leave my valuables there for anyone to take. There was a team of landscapers there mowing and blowing leaves. I am so glad I was polite to them because maybe cussing them out for blowing debris in my face while running could have been the thing to push them over the edge, and they could have filled my car with grass clippings. It pays to be nice to people.


2. Sadly, this week was the first time since early June that I needed to wear a long-sleeved shirt for my morning drive into work. Now it was still 54 degrees, and I didn’t need to wear it when I left, but it is still symbolic. I do love fall. It is my favorite time of year. That being said, I realize that each amazing step through fall gets us closer to winter, which is my least favorite season. The funny part is that I don’t like the cold, but I also don’t like it too hot. I’d love to find a place that was like early fall on Cape Cod year-round, but that place doesn’t exist. It’s also funny how 54 degrees in September feels much cooler than 54 degrees in February.


3. On a more positive note, for the first time since early June, I went and played basketball after work. I had a pretty bad sprain of my left ankle that kept me off the court. (See blog #72 for more details) I told myself that I’d take it easy, but of course, that’s never the case. I might not be able to jump high, or really much at all, anymore, but my brain still thinks I’m 17. I got to running and shooting, and only about 10 minutes into playing, I very nearly did the exact same thing that caused my sprained ankle in June. I was running after the ball and nearly rolled my ankle in the area under the hoop where the dirt is not level with the asphalt, because so many people land there. I’d like to say that I was more careful after that, but I just avoided the areas directly under the hoops, so it was minimally safer. I didn’t get hurt, yet, so that’s a bonus.


4. There’s nothing like the mini heart attack you have when you think your bank account has been hacked. This ends up being a head-shaker and also a bit of a laugh. When I go to Stop & Shop, I get a receipt via email, which I actually enjoy. They typically are in my mailbox before I even get home. This week, I checked my email one evening and was shocked to see an e-receipt from Stop & Shop when I hadn’t gone there. My heart jumped. I figured someone had stolen my bank account info and bought groceries. Then I saw the date of the receipt, which was 2 weeks ago. Then I realized that in order for me to get a receipt, I have to use my rewards card. So that would mean at worst they stole my rewards card info, which is far less threatening. It turned out it was just a glitch on their end. None of my info got stolen, and my heart returned to normal, and I felt a bit foolish, which isn’t that unusual. Also, only a few hours later, I got another old e-receipt from the same Stop & Shop. This one was nearly 3 months old. Now the question is how many of these old receipts come through, and what will be the oldest one?


5. It’s hard to believe that this week marks 24 years since the horrible events of September 11, 2001. It still seems like yesterday. It is amazing to think there are people who are in college today who weren’t alive when it happened. I guess that is how time works. To me, it felt like I was living in some kind of movie. There was no way what was on TV was real. I have only been to New York City once, and that was in 7th grade. When I was there on a school field trip, I got to go inside one of the Twin Towers. It was only the concourse level since we didn’t have time to go up to the observation deck, but I still remember how enormous the building was on the inside. Even that brief moment gave me a connection to those events on 9/11. I wrote a more in-depth blog about my experiences on 9/11 back in 2021, on the 20th anniversary of the events. You can read that here: 9/11: 20 Years Later


6. Squirrels are definitely one of the most annoying animals there are. Not just with how they run into the road with no regard for the vehicles barreling down on them. It’s also how they are nonstop eating machines who don’t care how they get what they want. Don’t get me wrong, it can make for some funny scenes, which is what happened this week. My sister Ashley has spent years trying to grow sunflowers, which are her favorite. This year, she has finally had a few make it. This includes one flower that is nearly 8 feet tall. Apparently, this was too enticing for a squirrel that climbed up to the top and was sitting on the flower, tearing the seeds out and dropping the petals to the ground. Eventually, we were able to scare it off, but it was too late. It’s still standing, and the bees still like it, but the giant sunflower has seen better days.





7. This week marked 5 years of me being alcohol free. My family got me a 5-year sober chip, which is my first one. It seems like yesterday that I was finally able to push that demon aside. When it was still fresh, I remember thinking, ‘I envy those who can just have a few drinks and stop.’ Now, 5 years out, I have less than zero desire to ever have a drink again. Literally nothing good in my life came from, or was made better by, alcohol. So on my 5-year soberversary, I did a lot of celebrating. The day began with me getting to see my youngest niece get on her bus for school, so I knew it was going to be a great day. It also ended with a sunset at my favorite Cape Cod sunset spot, complete with my new selfie stick. Now it’s on to 6 years.


8. While walking the railroad tracks near my favorite sunset spot, I started hearing a noise in the nearby trees. It was a Great Horned Owl. In my infinite wisdom, I decided it would be a good idea to find owl calls on my phone and try to play them to entice a reaction from the Great Horned Owl. It worked, and I started getting callbacks. It is something I have done before. 5 years ago, at Nickerson State Park, I did the same thing but kept going longer as I walked through the woods to get back to my car. By the time I was next to my car, I had at least half a dozen owls in the surrounding trees yelling at me. As for this time, I have no idea how far the owl would have gone. Would it have flown out of the trees to attack me, thinking I was a rival owl? Unfortunately, or fortunately for me, I had to keep walking to stake out a good spot to shoot the sunset so I’ll never know what the end game would have been for my owl call and response game.


9. In crafting a blog post about when I briefly lived in Florida in 2005, I found I needed to find a very old email. I found what I needed and then spent a long time going through my old AOL saved emails. These date all the way back to the beginning of 2005 and are a great time capsule of life back then. I found that in 2006, I paid a whopping $20 to have H&R Block do my Federal and State tax returns. Today, I think it costs closer to $200. I found the correspondence between myself and a North Carolina law firm to settle a speeding ticket I got when driving from Florida back to Cape Cod in 2005. There were photos of my nieces and nephews from when they were little. There were emails from my Grampa. It made me so glad that I was basically a hoarder of emails back in the day.


10. When I get done with work, the last thing I want to do is that same job off the clock. I can’t be the only one who feels this way. For years, when I worked as a cook, I hated the idea of cooking for myself at home. I became a master of the microwave. However, working as a personal trainer in my day job makes it kind of essential that I exercise in my off time. That has become a problem as I feel burned out from all things fitness. Maybe it’s because I’ve been in fitness for 10 years now? Don’t get me wrong, I still do some sort of exercise, typically 4-5 times a week. I just prefer walking outside, mostly to avoid gym crowds, and also because my body doesn’t really like running anymore. Combine this with the fact that I am at a low point in life as far as diet goes, and you can see the problem. My food issues really began when I quit alcohol. It was the distraction I needed to keep my mind off booze. Sadly, now 5 years on from giving up alcohol, I find myself somewhere between 20-30 pounds heavier than I’d like to be. I always tell myself that once I get my eating under control, the weight will just fall off, and I do believe that. It’s just a matter of actually finding the discipline I used to have at my peak in fitness, but using that on my diet. My 48th birthday is about 7 weeks away, so we’ll see if I use the time leading up to it as a chance to get back in shape, or if the birthday itself serves as a kick-off for a return to fitness.


11. I live about a mile from the Cape Cod Rail Trail. It’s an easy walk to get there and then to be able to enjoy the scenery. The road I live on is kind of middle of the pack as far as traffic goes. Definitely not a main road, but not a rural road either. During the summer, I can easily see a dozen or so bike riders going by my window if I am sitting at my laptop like I am now. On Sunday this week, I began to notice riders going by more frequently. Within the span of an hour, I had watched what had to be more than 50 people ride by heading away from where the bike path is. The first few I thought were just a group of friends, but by the time several dozen had gone by, I had to investigate. It turns out there was a charity ride going on for Habitat for Humanity. It started at the Coast Guard station at the Cape Cod Canal in Sandwich at 8am, and people could choose routes as long as 50 miles. Case closed, right? Nope. Those routes for the ride were all along the canal and down into Falmouth. So now I have no idea why so many people went riding by my window on Sunday. UPDATE: It was the Yarmouth Second Summer Cycle supporting 20 local nonprofit organizations. 

In My Footsteps: September 11, 2001 20 Years Later - I Remember

      I remember where I was on Tuesday morning September 11, 2001.  Hard to believe it was 20 years ago now, maybe it's because I lived through it.  Manhattan is more than 250 miles from where I lived on Cape Cod.  However it might as well have been next door as everything I witnessed felt like it was right outside my door.

    I remember being in the midst of writing a mundane email to my friend Barry.  I remember I was going to tell him I was going to visit Nickerson State Park in Brewster on my day off.  It all seems so small but I remember, I wish I had kept writing that email and sent it instead of turning off the computer.

 
     I remember my mother's frantic screams when she heard the first radio reports in her car.  I remember her yelling into the house for us to put on the television.  I remember sitting on the couch and watching as the towers fell.  I remember the memories of visiting the Twin Towers when I was in 7th Grade all came flooding back.  I never visited the top but I remember the enormity of the buildings from the outside and from the lobby.  I remember a surreal feeling knowing they were now only a memory.  It was like I was floating, or falling down an elevator shaft.  I remember having that feeling for the next few days. 

     I remember my sister Kate, pregnant with my niece Emma (now 19), frantically calling my then-brother-in-law Peter out on a job landscaping, making sure he was alright, and making sure to let him know that the world as we knew it was coming to an end.  I remember my niece Kaleigh, all of 2 and a half years old(now 22), staring at us with a mix of concern and curiosity at what was on the television that was causing all of our fear and angst.  I remember not feeling tired though my heart ached for the thousands of people in New York, Washington, and Pennsylvania affected directly by the attacks. 

     I remember wanting to close my eyes as if it might make it all disappear, but then I remember fearing that I'd reopen them and another plane might be hurtling through the sky toward a populated area.  It was as if I was waiting for a cut scene like it was a docudrama where they would say 'that's what the end of days would look like.'  Then life would go back to normal, but it didn't.  I remember staring outside at the beautiful late summer day in front of me and contrasting it with the scene of utter horror on the television.  I remember feeling detached and attached to the situation at the same time.  

 
     I remember not feeling hunger but I still felt the need to venture out to make certain that my world close by was still standing.  I remember driving around town where everything in my little corner of the world looked the same yet I knew everything was different.  I remember feeling so small, but then feeling so much pride and love for the firefighters and police that were walking into the battle zone when everyone else was running away.  I remember sitting frozen still on the couch for fourteen hours watching, still hoping in vain that there would be a disclaimer on the screen that said it was all a hoax.  It would be like War of the Worlds on the radio, even as night fell I clung to that belief. 
     I remember the next morning at work at The Marshside.  I remember standing on the deck with Maui who I had known for 8 years at that point.  I remember still having that feeling of falling as we spoke.  I remember the deep blue sky untouched by the gentle exhaust of aircraft.  I also remember the silence, the overwhelming deafening silence that surrounded those days.  I remember the names coming out over the next few days.  I remember the photos, the interviews, the magazines, the newspapers; I still have them so I will always remember.  

    I remember attending a candlelight vigil and meeting a few people that had come from Ground Zero and had helped in the massive recovery effort.  I remember each anniversary of the day that changed our world. I still have a box full of newspapers, magazines, and other such things from those days.  I gathered them to make sure I always remembered.   

     It's still hard to believe that it has been 20 years now.  Please take a moment, even if you knew nobody involved, or have never even been to New York, to remember what happened on 9/11.  We are all part of one family, the human family, above all else, always remember that.  Peace and love.