This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 2002. I was 24 years old. The Quarter-Life Crisis was hitting hard and left me in a period of depression and reflection.
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Broken Again
Here you are again, standing beside me. You’re making me weak again, I’m halfway back to you. So you’re looking at me again, a way I remember. You’re making me think again, I’m lost in the memories. Now you’re talking to me again, about the way that it used to be. Oh how I want to believe it’s true, but I catch myself from falling. You broke my heart. You left me in the dark. You stood me up and kicked me out. I’ve walked back to you a hundred times. This time I’m holding the cards, not showing my hand, I’m leaving you now, I’ve seen the light through you this time.
You’re sending me notes again, oh how much you need me. You’re making me cry again, I break so slowly. So you’ve learned from mistakes again, over and over I’m dying. You’re driving me crazy again, I don’t want to see you’re lying. Now here you are again, at my door in the middle of the night, swearing to anyone this time you’ll make it right. You stumble in and hit the ground my heart falls too without a sound, drunken words fill the air, but when you’re dry again, I won’t matter again.
Here I am again, staring at myself. Will I ever understand? I finish another bottle again, reality and dreams blur and we’re together again. All of the reasons don’t matter, all the pieces traced back to the shatter, my bones like glass under your weight. Here I am again, phone in hand you’re not there. I’ll just let go and pretend not to care, on into the night I tell myself I’ll be all right. Here comes the pain again, here comes the tears again, here comes the blame again, can’t look you in the eye again. Here you are again, standing beside me, and here I am walking away.
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frail
I’m so frail brother.
Hold me gently, don’t let me break.
I’m so frail mother.
My bone as brittle as my brain.
The wind calls to carry me away.
Away where sleep is the drug I taste.
The wires of my being, like a cord tangled in itself.
Being shorted out,
with eyes closed the world breaks free.
I’m left so frail, shattered for all to see.
I’m so frail brother.
Hold me tightly so I’m not swept away.
I’m so frail father.
Speak in sunlight and raindrop kisses,
pray my fragile ears will listen.
You lost your voice, I lost my voice,
you found your voice, I lost my mind.
You lost your way, I lost my way,
you found your way, I found my shell.
So soft I can crawl inside, so quiet,
serene like I have died.
I’m so frail, do you know who I am? Not the same in images and memories. I’m so frail, like a crack on a break. Where have you all gone?
Where did it all end?
-in memory of Layne Staley
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River View
I’ve been waiting for a long time. Waiting for the right time. From the moment you first blew my mind, I’ve been waiting to free my mind. Everything got thrown together and then slowly pulled apart. I’ve been waiting for a long time to open up my heart. I feel high when you’re around. When you go I can only come down. If I see you only for a moment it’s enough to keep me warm when the nights get cold and rough. Sometimes I have to turn away, but it’s just to keep me from falling. Sometimes I can’t make it through the day. For a long time, it went away, but you bring it all back and bring it out of me. All in time I came back around to find you waiting on me. I was waiting for my heart to mend, wasting time following the sun going round the bend. I’ve been chasing you. There is so much I want to say that time has kept quiet. So many thoughts that I need to share, but thoughts can’t open your heart to me. Before the sun sets and we vanish off into the night again there are only two eyes I’d like to see again. I’ve been waiting to shed my skin, to pull off the dead layers, and find what was once lost. I’ve been waiting for the colors to return to my days. I’ve been waiting for you. Sometimes I have to turn away, but it’s just to keep my heart from melting. I only turn briefly, not long enough for you to get away again.
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Today
Today is another day, not like any other day.
Today is a new day when pain and sorrow have gone away.
I’ve been hiding under myself, nand ow I’m stepping out of my way,
into the light of another day.
Closed the door but found the window,
crawling out of the long night.
Sleep under the altar, that’s how close I was,
the water no longer burns, and sand self-doubt goes away.
Today is a beautiful day, even if the sky is gray.
The road winding in a new way but I will not stray.
Today is the end, today begins under the moonlight.
Today is a freedom once captured by the sway of wind-kissed branches.
Today I stood up and pushed all the sadness away.
Today I learned who I was in a backward way.
Today I stopped being who I had been, I forgot I knew him at all.
I am more beautiful for losing, I am safer having let go.
Today is a new day, a clean slate,
fresh and white untouched by black and blue.
Today I spoke and listened.
Today I burned a bridge and mended a fence.
Today is another day, not like any other day.
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