Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #59: No Shocks, Old Lady Gangs, Dreams of Comedians, etc.

1. New this week. From the person who brought you vacuuming without the hose attached comes another foolish adventure. This time I had someone lying on our PEMF (Pulsed Electromagnetic Field) mat. It has many benefits including reducing pain, accelerating healing, and much more. Anyway, I was turning it on and the person mentioned it didn’t feel too intense. So I turned it up and turned it up again. Well, it turned out that the wires connecting the mat to the power source were not attached. Instead, I had another device hooked in. So yeah I had them lying on the mat while another piece of equipment was getting the current. It only took me a few minutes to figure it out.

2. I am in the *long* process of creating a website for my podcast. One of the arduous tasks in crafting it is making a comprehensive list of all of the links I’ve shared on all 185 (so far) episodes. What’s crazy is how many of these links I’ve shared, some in only the last 2 years, have been closed down. I mean it makes it a lot faster to create the link page, but wow the turnover is really fast on the internet.

Coming soon...

3. I walked into the gym one afternoon this week. It was quieter than usual which was great. It allowed me to more easily scan the crew that was there. My brain must not have been working well. I looked at an older lady riding an upright bike. From a distance, it looked like she had a tattoo on her forehead. My first thought was ‘why did this old lady get a forehead tattoo?’ It was only after seeing another older lady with the same mark that it dawned on me that it was Ash Wednesday. No there is no gang of old ladies with face tattoos.

4. To me if you wear a mask indoors that is your choice. If it makes you feel safe, or if you have a compromised immune system you should do it. I’d never give a cross look to someone wearing a mask, especially after what we dealt with in the pandemic. That being said, if you are inside and wearing a mask under your chin, the chin diaper look, you are a complete moron. Also, if you repeatedly move the mask from over your nose and mouth to under your chin you’re a double-dip moron. Are you immunocompromised or not? If you are then putting your mask under your chin has exposed you to all sorts of germs. If not then why are you wearing a mask? A fashion statement? Man, just dumb.

5. I have a skill I guess for being able to have and remember vivid dreams. I’ve written several short stories based on dreams I’ve had. This week was not a story type dream, but it was memorable. I dreamed I was walking around a mall in California. I was fascinated by the food court, more specifically a Cape Cod themed burger place. While I stood outside of this restaurant I heard a voice say my name. It was famed comedian Norm MacDonald, one of my favorites who sadly passed in 2021. He said ‘Hey I like that restaurant too.’ Then he gave me a classic Norm one-liner. He said ‘you know what the best part about it is? You can actually go inside.’ Meaning that he was making fun of me standing and staring longingly at this restaurant from the outside when I could actually go in and eat. It was pretty funny.

6. Few things in life make me as happy as I am when I get to spend time with my youngest niece. Her 6^th birthday was this week. I loved getting to go over after work and have dinner and celebrate on her actual birth date. My mother makes the joke that my little niece basically owns me. She can get me to do whatever she wants. That was on full display when she proceeded to dress me in pink leg warmers, wristbands, and a headband like I was in a 1980s Jazzercise class. I don’t regret a moment of it though.

7. It took me a few years but I finally got to watch Coming 2 America. The original is one of my favorite movies ever. I can pretty much recite it word for word. I know the reviews of the sequel were middling but to me the movie was perfect. It had so many callbacks to the original. It had everyone they could get from the original. It was a bit sad to see 4 people in the film that have since died. James Earl Jones, Louie Anderson, John Amos, and Dikembe Mutombo. I recommend it to anyone who enjoyed the original.

8. A first for me happened this week. I was headed for the self-checkout lines at the supermarket. There I saw 2 women with 1 full shopping cart. They were dividing up the groceries and using 2 registers to check the stuff out. All the while there was a line of us waiting while these Karens hogged 2 machines. It took all of my dwindling restraint not to say something. The older I get the less I care about what I say and to whom. Just a pair of selfish suck bags.

9. I have found a perfect way to have an energy drink I enjoy and save a lot of money in the process. I have liked the Celsius drinks since they debuted in 2005. Part of that is because they were first sold in a small store near where I lived in Delray Beach, Florida at the time. I feel like I was in on the ground floor with them. Anyway, at Shaw’s they now have packets of Celsius in powder form. You typically get 14 packets for $11.99. Quick math, a can of Celsius sells usually for between $2-2.50. If we go low that means 14 cans is $28. So even on the low end I save about $16. On the high end it’s $35 and I save about $23. I love Celsius even more now.

10. With my Etsy photography shop back in business for the first time since 2017 I have decided to really make a go of it trying to sell some prints. This means trying to craft a good, and affordable, ad on Google. It does take a few minutes to get it right, but I’m hopeful it will be a good risk-reward trade. The funny thing to me is that I have done Google Ads before. In fact all of my campaigns I created are still listed. They’re inactive but listed. When did I last create a Google Ad? 2009. Yes, several years before I had my first book deal I was making ads. For what? Promoting my ebooks and my new website. That’s all well and good but it also means I haven’t done a single Google Ad for any of my 9 books, or my podcast, or my YouTube channel, or my website (at least not since 2009). So we’ll see. Maybe I get a few sales and keep the ads going. Maybe I don’t. At least my budget is very low. Hey, I have to be smart. Just because spending $100 a week is ‘recommended’ doesn’t mean it’s smart.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #53: Liquid Crack, Secret Statues, Stupid Tattoos, etc.

1. I was saddened to learn that an old favorite energy drink was discontinued a year or so ago. RedLine drinks by VPX were super hardcore. Their little energy shots were the only energy supplement ever that affected me in such a way that I swore to never take them again. I had an old friend who would refer to RedLine as ‘liquid crack.’ I have been a Guinea pig for energy supplements for years. Now RedLine will join a list of products I enjoyed that have been discontinued because they are unsafe. I mean I guess that’s a good reason. I’ll miss you RedLine. Say hi in drink heaven to Ephedra Tea, Speed Stack, the original formula of Jack3d, and others.

RIP Redline

2. I am still in the learning phase of the camera on my new phone. This week I took a drive up to the Cape Cod Canal for some photos. I had a cool idea to attach my phone to my selfie stick which also has a tripod base. The idea was to get it all set so I could record myself driving out to this spot called Mashnee Island. It’s a beautiful scenic island with some homes on it. Anyway, I spent at least 10 minutes in a parking lot trying to get the setup to work to no avail. I gave up and didn’t even make the drive out to Mashnee. I went to the nearby Market Basket instead.

3. Icy mornings are no fun. They do make you appreciate spring and summer though. We had a storm this week where it was rain at first on Cape Cod and then transitioned to snow overnight. This meant that when it was time for me to leave for work I had to chisel caked ice off of my car windows and doors. After about 5 minutes of chiseling, I got tired and frustrated and decided it was time to leave regardless. Eventually, my windshield was cleared of ice by my heater and wipers. However, the first few minutes of my drive consisted of my head being cocked to one side so I could see out of a clear spot. Cold hands, neck pain, whatever.

4. I am not sure what is worse, or more disgusting. A person who chooses to not wipe their equipment off at the gym? Or a person who uses one paper towel to ‘clean’ every piece of equipment they use? I ask because there is a really gross guy at the gym who gets one paper towel and then reuses it dozens of times. No, he doesn’t spray cleaner on it repeatedly, nah, just one spray. I am sure it’s still sanitary. Then again this guy looks like 10 lbs of crap in a 5 lb set of beige overalls so I don’t know what I was expecting.

5. As a content creator I have to do a lot of promoting of my work. Nobody else will do it for me. One of the most annoying yet hilarious parts of my promotion comes from a few podcasting groups on Facebook. I share photos and links to my shows on a few such groups. I can count on the same thing happening nearly every time. I put up a post and within seconds there are comments or messages from these jackass people begging for me to pay them to promote my podcast. I now have to turn off notifications for comments on my posts. When these morons message me I immediately ban them on my Facebook podcast page. I am not sure how much the promoting on these podcast pages helps but I have to do all I can to put my name out there. Even if that means disabling notifications and banning people every time.

6. I saw a guy in the grocery store from afar. I thought he had a neat intricate beard on his face. When I got closer? Nope. It was a tattoo. This guy had cursive words inked onto his jaw. I think it might be hard for me to find a stupider idea for a tattoo besides someone who chooses to tattoo their entire head. Yes, I have seen that too with some psychopath at the gym. I’m definitely not anti-tattoo. I am anti stupid tattoos though.

7. It’s always fun when you throw your laundry in and about 5 minutes later realize that you forgot something in the pocket of a coat. Yeah, fun. It was the USB cord for my new phone. The best (worst) part was the washing machine being locked since I stopped it mid-cycle. I had to spend a few minutes figuring out how to unlock it. Then it was another few minutes rifling through sopping wet clothes to find the cord. Good times.

8. It took less than a week for my small dry-erase board to be rendered useless. It weighs nothing and came with 4 big squares of double-sided tape. In theory, it should easily stick to a wall or door. Sadly this was not the case. I had the board stuck snugly on a closet door. The first night I was awakened by the sound of the board falling off and hitting the floor. I thought maybe I hadn’t attached the board securely enough. I pushed on that tape until I was close to cracking the dry-erase board. A few days later I was sitting at the table when I saw it once again fall off the door. For now, I have given up on having this dry-erase board hanging anywhere. It is sitting face up on a table now as useless as can be. Money well spent.

9. I went with my buddy Steve on a fun afternoon photo trip to a few Outer Cape towns. I had a secret spot to show him, plus there was another spot I wanted to check out. These were both close to the beach in Wellfleet. The first spot, an interesting statue on the side of a summer house’s yard, was a success. We nabbed a few photos and got off the property. The second spot was a fail. I wanted to see the famed Oysterman House where Henry David Thoreau stayed on one of his trips along Cape Cod’s outer beach. It is on a secluded dirt road in the middle of nowhere. I was all for walking down the driveway, grabbing a photo, and running away. Unfortunately and ironically the only other house within sight was located next door. I only got about 10 steps down the driveway before I heard a car door shut and saw a person. I ducked back out to the road and we left that spot behind.

10. A bonus of the long walk back to the beach parking lot from the failed attempt at the Oysterman House was finding a fun toy left behind. We assumed it was a dog toy but it was a funny-looking stuffed duck. I was tempted to take it with me and do some sort of skits with it like when I owned a camcorder in high school. Steve wasn’t keen on a dirty dog toy hanging out in his truck so I had to settle for a quick photo.

Proof of the duck's existence.

11. A neat full-circle moment came when we went to shoot the sunset on top of Bearberry Hill in Truro. The last time I visited that spot was the last day I had a drink. The next day I gave up alcohol and have never looked back. That was nearly 4 ½ years ago. It was nice to be standing there in the same place but in a far different place all at once.

12. We ended the photo trip at the iconic Days Cottages in Truro. It’s basically impossible to take a bad photo there. The only problem was the weather got colder and very windy along the water. I was running around getting as many photos and videos as I could. I had to get a photo of colorful clothespins on a line. Unfortunately, the wind wouldn’t let it happen unless I held the line. This led to some frosty fingers but that’s a part of the dedication to the craft.

Cold hands don't care.

Initial Impressions 2.0 #12 - Supermarket Hustlers, Paper Cuts, Author Events, etc.

#12: The Supermarket Hustlers

1. Look I respect the hustle, I do, but I have to be honest. I have less than zero interest in being accosted outside of a supermarket by someone, anyone, looking to sell me something, get me to sign up for something, or any of that. Now I’ll admit I am less rigid when it comes to kids selling cookies, or looking for donations for local sports, but when it’s anything with politics, or older guys ‘representing’ some company, nah I’m all set, I’m just here to get some Doritos.

2. I am learning, reluctantly, that even though I can’t run a fast half marathon, or a fast 5K anymore, it doesn’t mean I have to give up running. I teach my clients I train that they should do the best they can with what their bodies can give and that it’s more than enough. I am having to teach myself that. Running slow, but staying upright and relatively healthy, is far better than trying to run faster than your body can handle and breaking down physically.

3. During a walk on the nearby bike trail it became very clear just how porta potties can be hit or miss. I stopped at 2. The first was so fresh and so clean it could have been an Outkast song. However, I was not lucky with the second. I was able to find a (relatively) clear path to the actual toilet, but oh man things took a turn for the worse. I’ll keep this as vague as I can for those currently eating but it looked as though someone had played a game to see if they could poop everywhere but in the actual toilet. I feel bad for anyone who needs to sit down in there to go. You’re better off just going in your pants, it’ll be just as sanitary.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

4. Walking in the supermarket. Over the speakers ‘Hello, Goodbye’ by The Beatles begins to play. While it played I heard no less than 6 people happily whistling along with the song. Never underestimate the power of music to connect, and never underestimate how impactful The Beatles and their music were/are.

5. Sometimes you get a paper cut and you feel it and it stings like hell. Then other times you get a paper cut and don’t feel it, or notice it until you put the brown paper bag down and it’s covered in blood. It looked like a crime scene and I am just lucky nobody was around to see it, although you can do a good job picturing this insanity in your minds.

6. Even many years after last seeing someone in person, someone I was once very much into, I find myself going to certain places and posting certain things hoping they may see it. This person is very happy now and has a great life and family but those pangs of ‘what if’ still creep up every now and then. #crypticpost

7. I have had my current car for nearly 10 years. It is about to pass 144K miles. My goal is to get to at least 250K. By my calculations, that means probably another 10 years with the same car. Maybe I’ll get to 21 years and then I’ll give it a car wash of beer to celebrate it being old enough to drink.

A future celebration?

8. The story is that the Ames Department Store chain that existed for decades, especially in the Northeast is making a comeback in the next few years. There’s even a website for this resurrected brand. My question is if it’s successful could this lead to more old stores coming back? As a child of the 1980s I’d love a world where Toys r Us, RadioShack, KB Toys, and more were around.

Comeback incoming?

9. I’ve yet to ever gaze upon a person with a, or many, tattoos on their face and thought ‘I bet they have rational views on most things, I should ask them for advice.’

10. After putting another author event in the books I had to take a moment for gratitude. Whether or not I ever truly make it to that level of success I’m seeking as a writer nobody can deny that I have busted my ass for years on end pursuing that goal. I’ve sacrificed so much time and energy in chasing a dream I’ve had since I was 8. Now I am 46 with 9 published books. I do events where complete strangers come out to hear me speak about something I created with my own mind. It’s so humbling and I am grateful. Whether I achieve that next level breakthrough I cannot say, but I am very proud of what I’ve done and all I’ve done to get here. I’m happy but not satisfied; I still want to do more.

Another fun event in the books.

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