This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 2001. I was turning 23 years old. I had returned to Cape Cod to Las Vegas trying to process that chapter of my life.
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Awakening
On windy days, thoughts don’t land where ideas splash. Every mirror has a reflection, and every picture has a story. Each night can be brighter than daylight inside you. It’s a long time between breaths when you don’t know you’ve stopped breathing.
Can you hear the summer sounds in the frozen ground? Up to the sky, these newborns fly. Discovering what they’ve yet to see, and becoming all they’re going to be. Look upon it without fear, the future is speaking if you listen. Sweet surrender can map a desert passage. Death's decay is like a sad old tree. You can’t fall through life having nothing to say.
Who says smoke gets in their eyes? Who would use such excuses? Not those who’ve gone blind. We all need a little blindness to see. We all need a little war mixed in with peace. We search the same places over and over, and we wonder why our seeds don’t grow in the bare earth.
Summer sights linger in my eyes. Beach balls rolling in the sand, and names spelled out with fireflies. Through the night the memories drift and sway, a sea of dreams and I’m just sailing by. How well does anyone really know themselves?
What can possibly show you the truth?
An awakening can. An awakening so sad and so beautiful it can break you and rebuild you in an instant. In time, each day that passes will fill you with rhythms in tune with a clock in your heart. Nights may be for sleeping, but part of you is always awake.
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Happy
Hey! Who are you living for? You’ve got diamonds in your pocket and gold washing up on shore. Hey! Who are you crying for? There’s sadness on your shoulders you could lose but won’t let go. Hey! Who are you trying to impress? You wear so many labels and change the way you think and dress. What makes you happy? Do you even know? Have you ever seen the light or are you hiding in someone’s shadow? When you were young what did you want to be? Now you’re stuck watching what you used to ignore. When will you look underneath and stop being an afterthought in your own mind? You’ve got to grab hold with both hands and pull yourself out of the mud. If you can’t see it through then there’s no hope of saving you, and maybe you should start crying for yourself.
Hey! You’re stumbling down. Lost track of where you were going and hit the ground. Hey! Don’t act like it’s okay. Being a dish rag, a doormat, because no one listens to what you say. Wouldn’t you like to sleep through the night? Turning cold sweat and heavy breathing to REM and peaceful dreaming? Wouldn’t you like to believe in yourself? Do you give yourself any reason? Have you taken the time to walk in your own shoes and forget the others you’re busy pleasing? You’ve got to stop trying so hard, going so far, just stop looking and you’ll see what you need.
Hey! When it’s over will you be satisfied? Will you share with the world or keep it all inside? Hey! How do you want to be remembered? Are you a passing shower or the rainbow that follows? Don’t be afraid to speak, don’t be afraid to feel something’s missing. Don’t be afraid of the freedom in your hands, don’t be afraid to do what makes you happy.
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Looking
I’m looking for a new way to live. An explanation into the deep and wide, all I can’t forgive. Everyone out there may know but they don’t know me. I’m looking for another skin, a place to hide and keep on going. Where do the problems lie? Is there a root I can dig down to?
She’s trying so hard to forget my face and name.
She doesn’t know it but I’m doing the same.
This is all I hear in my mind at night.
I’m looking for a way to make peace within. So much needs sorting but I can’t lift these heavy hands. The light may be far off, I may not feel warm now, but I know it’s there. I’m looking for another path to the same goal. I’ve got to find another way to teach myself everything I already know. So says the wise man, true wise men don’t have to speak of it. I’m looking at the underside of a falling star, it’s falling on me, I need to make a wish quick. Sensing something’s changing, a direct line feeding to my soul, someone pick up.
This is all I feel in my heart at night.
I’m looking for a new way to drown sorrows. A drink or a smoke pulls the blinds closer when all I want is to see. Forward and backward I’ve walked this road still there’s something I’m missing. She’s trying to grow up so fast, but she can’t dam this river and I’m still sailing away. She’s trying to make me remember her face and name. But she doesn’t know I’ve stopped playing that game.
I’m looking for a soft spot to break my fall, where I’ll lie down until I wake up again. I’m looking for a door, I’d never sell my soul, but I’d loan it out right now.
I’m looking for the instant between dark and light,
if there is one I’ll find it.
I’m looking for emotion and the valve to release it, where life is stored, where my heart is sleeping. I’m looking for a natural way, to have it back, to have control, to stop my heart from dying. I’m looking for myself in a pile of twisted thoughts and mangled ideas.
I’m so tired of wasting time. They’re all telling me, but nobody is asking me. I’m not all right. I’m not okay. It’s all fucked up in every way. That’s what’s happened to me. I’m looking for peace, the way it never could have been before.
I’m looking to right all of the wrongs inside me.
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Sand Castle
So much for love. I feel it running out of a leak in my heart. So much for life. I see time spilling from a crack in the glass. So much for trust, with all the betrayal keep faith in your own name. So much for peace, the winds of change become a tornado we’ve been sucked into. You feel like you’re flying away. You’ve lost touch like it’s all slipping away. You say it’s all a dream, but it’s reality you’re begging for.
So much for love. She’s a devil and she’s sunk her teeth in me. So much for life. Like a sand castle the more you try to fix it the more it falls apart. Everyone is acting like they know like they’ve seen it all before. Everyone is scared to open their eyes. This is no movie, you can’t slap yourself into reality cause you’re already there. You’re reaching out but no one reaches back. You wish you could look into your eyes but all the mirrors have broken. You hope it’s just a nightmare but it’s one you can’t wake from.
So much for love, the premonition was true. So much for life, the spill has dried, and the time has evaporated. So much for holding on. So much for letting go. I know somewhere they’re watching over us. Everyone can see the light if they know where to look. So much for love, guess I didn’t know where to look. You say it’s finally over, but it’s the beginning you’re wishing for.
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