September 12, 2024, is a milestone as I pass four years alcohol-free.
Many of you know my story of how and why I did it. I will give a bit of an overview for those who might not know.
How? It was simple and yet arduous. I had to quit cold turkey. September 12, 2020, the first night without alcohol after drinking nearly every night for close to three years was incredibly difficult. I essentially had to tie myself to my couch and bribe myself by saying I could do pretty much anything else except for drinking alcohol.
Alcohol had been my nearest and dearest confidant for so long that giving it up was a big change. It took weeks to feel like the change might last. After that, it was a matter of being diligent but also easy on myself. That meant doing pretty much whatever I had to do to keep me from drinking. This included eating loads of bad foods to replace the hole left by alcohol.
Naturally, this led to a weight gain issue but I figured it was better than the alcohol issue. I did my best to not totally lose who I was as I tried to remember who I was before alcohol. I parlayed my lucid evenings I now had into an idea for a podcast which ended up being the thing I focused on to keep booze in the rearview mirror.
Why did I quit drinking? The short answer is I had finally run out of excuses not to. My last drink I had was on September 11th and I said I ‘had’ to drink to mourn those we lost on 9/11. Noble? Maybe. Not the way I meant it. Like I said it was my last excuse to continue down a road that had led me so far from who I wanted to be.
 |
| Sunset on September 11, 2020 |
Alcoholism runs in my family so I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t know falling into that pool was possible. I just thought I was stronger than that. I wasn’t. There were extenuating circumstances that started me down that road.
Losing one of my oldest friends, Matt, suddenly close to Christmas in 2017 was tough, especially because I’d had the chance to speak to him a few days before but passed on it because I was tired from work. The guilt I felt was tough to take sober so I started drinking to numb it.
In the past, I had been able to drink once a week or something like that, you know, have a few drinks but not have it become my defining characteristic. My friend’s death shattered the illusion that I had control.
I battled being basically a day from being flat broke. Not getting the hours I needed in a new career I had begun as a personal trainer made me question my choices. I had no cash, had maxed out my credit cards, and was so broke that I couldn’t even afford a bottled water and protein bar at a supermarket. I had my card declined and had to return the bar.
I had to borrow money from a client I was training in-home to stabilize my life. I hate being in debt to people so this was a hard pill to swallow. Over time I had to go back into cooking for a consistent paycheck. These things only strengthened my bond with alcohol.
The first half of 2019 saw my hero, my Grampa deteriorate and ultimately pass due to Alzheimer’s. Being there every step of the decline was a trauma I’ve honestly yet to get over. I’d go from visiting him at the facility to drinking as soon as I left to wash the pain from my heart.
 |
| If I can be half of who he was I will have lived a successful life. |
My drinking only got worse coping with Grampa’s loss. Then came Covid. Mere weeks before I had left my cooking job at a retirement home where his wife, my Nina, was a resident. I wanted to take another retirement home job with fewer hours so I could refocus on personal training.
I got to the new job with fewer hours and Covid hit. I was stuck there and couldn’t do any training. Worst of all my Nina was stuck on the inside at my old job. The family couldn’t see her except through her window. If I hadn’t been so impatient I might have stayed there and been on the inside to comfort my Nina. Again, that is a guilt I have yet to get over.
Flash forward about six months. I had run out of excuses to drink besides admitting I was a weak, sad, addict that was not in control of his life. Up to that point I had suffered in silence. This was both in my drinking and my coping with the losses of my friend Matt and my Grampa.
It was a tough go but day by day I’ve made it to where I am now. But why do I stay alcohol-free? Surely I could attempt to go back to being a ‘social drinker’ right? The funny thing is that the further I got from alcohol the more I realized I didn’t need it, and I never did.
Looking back over my life I can say there is nothing I did or experienced that was made better with alcohol. I didn’t miss it. What I started noticing was that my own story of recovering from alcohol dependency was inspiring others. I finally opened up about my weakness and the fight I’d been going through and it resonated with people. My family and friends were proud of me.
This leads to two of the biggest reasons I choose to remain alcohol-free. My sister Ashley and my Uncle Bob. Both of them battled their own demons and had broken free of alcohol. They were both so proud of me and I felt that if I took a risk of even one drink I’d be letting them down.
If I went back to drinking I’d be just another person to fall off the wagon. Just another person to talk a big game but gave up when rough patches came. And came they did.
I lost my Nina in 2021, lost my Aunt Brenda and old friend Pete in 2022, and lost my Uncle Eric in 2023. I faced them all without the crutch of alcohol. In the four years since I last had a drink the only time I came close to falling off the wagon was when my Uncle Eric died. He had been like a father to me and I hadn’t been there at the end when he was dying of cancer. In fact, I learned of his death the day after it happened. It is a trauma that remains an open wound. I am currently listening to a Hawaiian music station on Pandora that includes many songs Uncle Eric shared with me. This is because this music makes me remember him and helps me to go to the places I have to go to share these experiences.
I sat in the parking lot of a liquor store I used to visit so much that they knew when I changed my ‘normal’ order. In my mind it didn’t matter if I didn’t drink, I was going to die someday so why not just do what you want, right? My memories of Uncle Eric stopped me from going inside. I thought how upset he’d be if he knew I was using his death as an excuse to start drinking again.
 |
| Trying to live the life those I've lost would want for me. |
A few weeks before writing this I was listening to a podcast by a guy named Mark Manson. I have become a huge fan of his in 2024 including reading both of his books. His podcast is a part of a deep personal development journey I’ve been on in 2024. I need to build from the ashes of the last several years mentally. I might have stopped drinking but losing so many people close to me in short order drained me.
On this particular episode of Mark Manson’s podcast, he was doing a Q&A. A question he answered has profoundly affected me since I heard it.
The question was from someone who had recently lost a family member and they wanted to know the best way to honor them going forward. Manson’s reply was that they should try to live a life that their lost family member would want for them.
It floored me. I immediately thought of those I had lost. Am I living the life Grampa would want for me? Or Nina? Or Uncle Eric? I don’t think I am. I don’t think I am extremely far from what they’d want for me, but I’m far enough away in my mind that it’s got me looking at my entire life.
The idea of being an inspiration rather than a cautionary tale is a pressure I’m willing to accept. I don’t have many responsibilities. No wife. No kids. No real attachments. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’d love the security of a family and a house. However, I also love the fact that I can pack and go on a road trip without anything to stop me.
No matter what if any changes I make in the next year of my life one change that I won’t make is letting alcohol back into my life. It does me no good. If it does you good that’s fine, to each their own. However, if you feel it’s way too big a part of your life and you want to give it up just know that you can.
If I could do it so can you. My journey is not unique but if it can inspire anyone looking to give up alcohol to do so then I am happy to share my journey.
It’s been four years since I last had a drink. 1,462 days and counting. Life can still be tough sometimes but it’s about finding better ways to cope with the curve balls.
 |
| It's a long and winding road that is life. |
No comments:
Post a Comment