Goodbye Dolly

Live your life in a way that, when you pass, hundreds of millions of people feel like they have lost a loved one. That is the sentiment I felt while scrolling social media after the death of music icon and humanitarian icon Dolly Parton at age 80 this week.

Her music touched generations, but her contributions to society touched so many more. She made life better for countless people whom she never met. I have been reading dozens of stories from celebrities and ordinary people about their interactions and connections to Dolly.

Anything I could write about her life and career could easily be found by doing a quick Google search. I won’t waste time telling you things you could easily find yourselves. I never met her. I don’t have any stories of interacting with her. However, one thing I can do is explain why she had meaning to me in my life.

At the root, it’s actually quite simple. Dolly Parton reminded me of my Nina, and vice versa. They both were tiny, smart, beautiful, full of fire, and owners of a lot of blonde hair that may or may not have been theirs.

When I was a kid in the 1980s, my Nina felt to me like she was a mix of a whole lot of Dolly and a large dash of Tina Turner. No, she wasn’t a celebrity. She did run the first all-women’s fitness center on Cape Cod, and she was a great jazz singer, along with my Grampa, but not famous. Above all else, she was a genuinely loving and caring person who made you feel like you mattered when you were around her. That, I believe, is how Dolly made people feel.

There were times throughout my life when I felt like in some alternate timeline Dolly Parton was my Nina and my Nina was a world-famous entertainer. My Nina definitely could command a room, and Dolly had said that because she couldn't have children, she was 'everybody's mother.' So maybe I wasn't too far off.

It’s interesting. I have never shared that story or those thoughts ever. I’m not sure why. Maybe it sounded weird to compare my grandmother, who I knew, to celebrities I likely would never meet. Maybe I was afraid of being mocked or ridiculed. Not by my family, mind you; I am sure my Nina would have found it flattering. I mean, after all, I was comparing her to two titans of the entertainment world. Still, I kept that little anecdote locked away until now.

To sum it up, in a small way, losing Dolly Parton felt like losing my Nina again.

My Nina and Dolly Parton at roughly the same age, around 40.

My introduction to Dolly was through her seminal film 9 to 5. It was released in 1980, when I was three years old. I didn’t see it then, but it was on rotation on cable during the mid 1980s. Having a young mother and three sisters meant that I was dealt a heavy dose of female-led movies. 9 to 5 was one among many, including Dirty Dancing and Mannequin.

I can remember seeing Dolly in 9 to 5 and being amazed at how much she reminded me of my Nina. Granted, I was probably seven or eight, but that young perception became reality.

As I grew up, I learned of how important and accomplished she was almost by accident. When I heard Whitney Houston sing ‘I Will Always Love You,’ I learned that Dolly Parton wrote it. When I heard this really great Hawaiian jam called ‘Islands In the Stream’ by a group called Ten Feet, I learned that Dolly Parton sang the original with Kenny Rogers.

Later on in adulthood, I learned of her enormous impact outside of music. I was battling depression and questions of self-esteem and self-worth throughout my twenties. This is where I began to seek out inspirational quotes and just general quotes about life and healing.

When you feel lost, confused, maybe a bit worthless, you look for something, anything, to provide a little clarity. I didn’t look to just anybody. I looked for words of wisdom from people who not only succeeded, but did it as genuinely good people.

This is where Dolly Parton played her second important role in my life. She provided comfort and familiarity since I saw her in some ways as a stand-in for my Nina as a child. Then, as an adult, her words provided light in dark times.

Sure, there were other people whose quotes helped to part the dark clouds around my mind, but Dolly was as important as any of them. I am certain that there are so many others like me who were shown care without her even realizing it.

Dolly left such a wide range of gifts to the world that I think it would be hard not to be moved or inspired by something she did. Her skill as a musician, a lyricist, a singer, and an overall presence likely was enough. Her philanthropy, at the very least, equaled her musical prowess.

For me, there are a few of Dolly’s quotes that remain important in my life. I mentioned earlier battling depression off and on throughout my adulthood. I also have been on a creative journey for decades.

I wanted to be a writer from the time I was eight. I wanted to be a filmmaker starting in high school, even purchasing a big, bulky Sears camcorder in 1994. I always felt my path didn’t involve a (no pun intended) nine-to-five job. I always wanted, no needed, to be something more than that.

Maybe that goes back to the self-worth and confidence issues stemming from childhood. Maybe I felt that if I wasn’t greater than expected, I would be seen as far less than. But how do you chase your dreams and still stay true to who you are inside? Ask Dolly Parton.

The quotes that feed my soul have to do with each of those things I mentioned.





Those both speak to me. One, in terms of dealing with the hard times, for me, the bouts of depression and self-doubt. Secondly, the feeling that walking the same path as most others just didn’t fit who I wanted to be.

Many of you reading this likely have other Dolly quotes that speak to you. That’s the idea. We might all enter this orbit of grief and admiration from different roads, but they all end up connecting in the end.

That might be Dolly’s greatest gift. She unified so many people. Her death felt like losing a loved one to likely hundreds of millions of people. There are very few celebrities who are as universally loved and admired as Dolly Parton.

I have seen many people I admired in the entertainment industry pass away; very few have I felt the urge to write my own thoughts about. Even as I write this, I periodically stop and scroll social media to read stories of Dolly from fans and other celebrities.

She might have left this world, but there are still gifts from her to come in the years ahead. I have read things about a musical of her life, dolls, dog treats, coffee, and best of all, an unreleased song. That last one we have to wait until her 100th birthday in 2046, though.

Dolly Parton might be gone, but the stories told of her will keep her alive. Just as my Nina might be gone, but I do my best to keep her memory alive. This includes sharing a very private, if not a little embarrassing, story of how she reminded me of Dolly and vice versa. 

Goodbye Dolly. You left an impact on this world far greater than most people could ever dream. Thank you for reminding me of my Nina. Thank you for your words to remind me that “if you tell yourself enough nice things, eventually, you’ll believe them too.”

If you happen to bump into my Nina, maybe you could sing a duet, lead a fitness class, or exchange hair tips? We will always love you, Dolly. And I will always love you, Nina.

4 Years Alcohol-Free: How I Got Here & Why I Stay Here

     September 12, 2024, is a milestone as I pass four years alcohol-free.

     Many of you know my story of how and why I did it. I will give a bit of an overview for those who might not know.

     How? It was simple and yet arduous. I had to quit cold turkey. September 12, 2020, the first night without alcohol after drinking nearly every night for close to three years was incredibly difficult. I essentially had to tie myself to my couch and bribe myself by saying I could do pretty much anything else except for drinking alcohol.

     Alcohol had been my nearest and dearest confidant for so long that giving it up was a big change. It took weeks to feel like the change might last. After that, it was a matter of being diligent but also easy on myself. That meant doing pretty much whatever I had to do to keep me from drinking. This included eating loads of bad foods to replace the hole left by alcohol.

     Naturally, this led to a weight gain issue but I figured it was better than the alcohol issue. I did my best to not totally lose who I was as I tried to remember who I was before alcohol. I parlayed my lucid evenings I now had into an idea for a podcast which ended up being the thing I focused on to keep booze in the rearview mirror.

     Why did I quit drinking? The short answer is I had finally run out of excuses not to. My last drink I had was on September 11^th and I said I ‘had’ to drink to mourn those we lost on 9/11. Noble? Maybe. Not the way I meant it. Like I said it was my last excuse to continue down a road that had led me so far from who I wanted to be.

Sunset on September 11, 2020

     Alcoholism runs in my family so I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t know falling into that pool was possible. I just thought I was stronger than that. I wasn’t. There were extenuating circumstances that started me down that road.

     Losing one of my oldest friends, Matt, suddenly close to Christmas in 2017 was tough, especially because I’d had the chance to speak to him a few days before but passed on it because I was tired from work. The guilt I felt was tough to take sober so I started drinking to numb it.

     In the past, I had been able to drink once a week or something like that, you know, have a few drinks but not have it become my defining characteristic. My friend’s death shattered the illusion that I had control.

     I battled being basically a day from being flat broke. Not getting the hours I needed in a new career I had begun as a personal trainer made me question my choices. I had no cash, had maxed out my credit cards, and was so broke that I couldn’t even afford a bottled water and protein bar at a supermarket. I had my card declined and had to return the bar.

     I had to borrow money from a client I was training in-home to stabilize my life. I hate being in debt to people so this was a hard pill to swallow. Over time I had to go back into cooking for a consistent paycheck. These things only strengthened my bond with alcohol.

     The first half of 2019 saw my hero, my Grampa deteriorate and ultimately pass due to Alzheimer’s. Being there every step of the decline was a trauma I’ve honestly yet to get over. I’d go from visiting him at the facility to drinking as soon as I left to wash the pain from my heart.

If I can be half of who he was I will have lived a successful life.

     My drinking only got worse coping with Grampa’s loss. Then came Covid. Mere weeks before I had left my cooking job at a retirement home where his wife, my Nina, was a resident. I wanted to take another retirement home job with fewer hours so I could refocus on personal training.

     I got to the new job with fewer hours and Covid hit. I was stuck there and couldn’t do any training. Worst of all my Nina was stuck on the inside at my old job. The family couldn’t see her except through her window. If I hadn’t been so impatient I might have stayed there and been on the inside to comfort my Nina. Again, that is a guilt I have yet to get over.

     Flash forward about six months. I had run out of excuses to drink besides admitting I was a weak, sad, addict that was not in control of his life. Up to that point I had suffered in silence. This was both in my drinking and my coping with the losses of my friend Matt and my Grampa.

     It was a tough go but day by day I’ve made it to where I am now. But why do I stay alcohol-free? Surely I could attempt to go back to being a ‘social drinker’ right? The funny thing is that the further I got from alcohol the more I realized I didn’t need it, and I never did.

     Looking back over my life I can say there is nothing I did or experienced that was made better with alcohol. I didn’t miss it. What I started noticing was that my own story of recovering from alcohol dependency was inspiring others. I finally opened up about my weakness and the fight I’d been going through and it resonated with people. My family and friends were proud of me.

     This leads to two of the biggest reasons I choose to remain alcohol-free. My sister Ashley and my Uncle Bob. Both of them battled their own demons and had broken free of alcohol. They were both so proud of me and I felt that if I took a risk of even one drink I’d be letting them down.

     If I went back to drinking I’d be just another person to fall off the wagon. Just another person to talk a big game but gave up when rough patches came. And came they did.

     I lost my Nina in 2021, lost my Aunt Brenda and old friend Pete in 2022, and lost my Uncle Eric in 2023. I faced them all without the crutch of alcohol. In the four years since I last had a drink the only time I came close to falling off the wagon was when my Uncle Eric died. He had been like a father to me and I hadn’t been there at the end when he was dying of cancer. In fact, I learned of his death the day after it happened. It is a trauma that remains an open wound. I am currently listening to a Hawaiian music station on Pandora that includes many songs Uncle Eric shared with me. This is because this music makes me remember him and helps me to go to the places I have to go to share these experiences.

     I sat in the parking lot of a liquor store I used to visit so much that they knew when I changed my ‘normal’ order. In my mind it didn’t matter if I didn’t drink, I was going to die someday so why not just do what you want, right? My memories of Uncle Eric stopped me from going inside. I thought how upset he’d be if he knew I was using his death as an excuse to start drinking again.

Trying to live the life those I've lost would want for me.

     A few weeks before writing this I was listening to a podcast by a guy named Mark Manson. I have become a huge fan of his in 2024 including reading both of his books. His podcast is a part of a deep personal development journey I’ve been on in 2024. I need to build from the ashes of the last several years mentally. I might have stopped drinking but losing so many people close to me in short order drained me.

     On this particular episode of Mark Manson’s podcast, he was doing a Q&A. A question he answered has profoundly affected me since I heard it.

     The question was from someone who had recently lost a family member and they wanted to know the best way to honor them going forward. Manson’s reply was that they should try to live a life that their lost family member would want for them.

     It floored me. I immediately thought of those I had lost. Am I living the life Grampa would want for me? Or Nina? Or Uncle Eric? I don’t think I am. I don’t think I am extremely far from what they’d want for me, but I’m far enough away in my mind that it’s got me looking at my entire life.

     The idea of being an inspiration rather than a cautionary tale is a pressure I’m willing to accept. I don’t have many responsibilities. No wife. No kids. No real attachments. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’d love the security of a family and a house. However, I also love the fact that I can pack and go on a road trip without anything to stop me.

     No matter what if any changes I make in the next year of my life one change that I won’t make is letting alcohol back into my life. It does me no good. If it does you good that’s fine, to each their own. However, if you feel it’s way too big a part of your life and you want to give it up just know that you can.

     If I could do it so can you. My journey is not unique but if it can inspire anyone looking to give up alcohol to do so then I am happy to share my journey.

     It’s been four years since I last had a drink. 1,462 days and counting. Life can still be tough sometimes but it’s about finding better ways to cope with the curve balls. 

It's a long and winding road that is life.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #26: 90210, The Entitled Karen Show, Turkey Fighting Mailman, etc

1. Sadly this past week actress Shannen Doherty lost her battle with cancer. She was only 53. It’s especially jarring being someone who used to watch Beverly Hill 90210 with my sister Kate to see now that both Shannen Doherty and Luke Perry are gone. Both Brenda and Dylan. So sad, rest in peace.

2. Well it only took until July 14^th to see the first Back to School ad. This was for Walmart. Now I understand that some schools in other areas of the country start the year earlier, but where I live it’s the standard week after Labor Day. Making it more than 7 weeks until kids go back to school. In fact, I think most kids got out of school about 3 weeks ago meaning that they’re way less than ½ way through their summer vacation and already being reminded of going back to school. Soon companies will start their back-to-school campaigns before the current year even ends.

Coming soon to a school near you.

3. In the latest episode of the Entitled Karen show I was at 7/11 grabbing a drink on my way to work. There was a decent line for registers but nobody was using the one self-checkout register. The woman ahead of me in line shouted out to see if anyone was going to use it and when everyone said no she went up. She was in trouble when she tried to scan a 12-pack of White Claws at the self-checkout. It needed her to show an ID to someone. Naturally, she got frustrated at such inconvenience. Eventually, she groaned and yelled out that she ‘gave up’ to one of the cashiers and walked out. She left all of her stuff there like a jerk of course. I went up, scanned my drink, and handed the White Claw case to the cashier, and was done in 30 seconds.

4. It was so flattering to hear from an old friend who was working at a library. They said a woman came in looking for books on historic Cape Cod places. When my books were recommended not only had she read them all, she was a regular listener to my podcast, and wanted to be a writer herself. I’m not saying I am an inspiration to her but it’s humbling to think maybe something I’ve done in my career is driving someone else to do something in theirs.

5. At the Stop & Shop supermarket chain they charge you 10 cents for paper bags. No biggie, I have a pile of reusable bags so it doesn’t affect me. I see loads of other shoppers bringing their own recyclable bags with them as well. However this week on back-to-back days I saw 2 different people bring in a cardboard box and use that for their groceries. They literally walked around the store holding a cardboard box. It’s one part clever, one part stupid as hell. I found myself laughing and shaking my head at both of them.

6. A woman came into my work needing shockwave therapy on a sore plantar fascia and calf. The Cliff's Notes is that shockwave therapy is a non-invasive treatment that stimulates the body’s natural healing process. It can relieve pain and promote healing of injured tendons, ligaments, and other soft tissues. Anyway, she came in with this cute little puppy that adored her. Unfortunately, the shockwave therapy machine and the process are relatively loud. Rather than having the puppy watch its owner getting this treatment and possibly yelling as it can be a bit painful to start, I chose to have the puppy kept outside of the room. No need to scar a puppy for life if it can be avoided.

7. I can’t watch ‘Best Kills’ of the Friday the 13^th series before bed and then pretend to be surprised when my dream consists of me having to defeat Jason in a sort of living video game. Luckily in this dream, my 2 weapons that did the trick were shining a bright light in his face, and pushing him out the door, and locking it behind him. Why didn’t any of those teens in the movies try those?

In my dreams Jason can't use doors apparently

8. Speaking of dreams, does anyone ever have a dream about a person they hadn’t seen, or even thought of, in over 30 years? The other night I dreamed I was at a party but the host was a kid I went to elementary school with. I hadn’t thought of him or heard his name in probably 30 years, but now it’s front and center in my brain. Maybe I should find him and reach out?

9. I noticed this week that one of the Shaw’s supermarkets on Cape Cod has put up a sign banning dogs from the store since it’s a health violation. My first thought was ‘do people really need to be told not to bring pets into a grocery store?’ This was never an issue all throughout my growing up. Dogs stayed in cars or at home. Service dog? Maybe. Regular pet? You might need therapy because you’ve got some bigger issues.

No longer to be seen at Shaw's

10. I never thought a specific automobile could make my Enemies List if I had one, but it happened this week. I was driving home and while making a left turn was cut off by a gray Volkswagen Tiguan SUV. It whipped around me and was so dangerous that the car in front of me pulled over and waved those jerks to let them pass. No more than 5 minutes later I was going straight at a light when a car in the Right Turn Only lane swerved in front of me because they were too stupid to know how to read traffic signs. That vehicle was another gray VW Tiguan. That’s right 2 of the same exact vehicle cut me off within 5 minutes. Do dealerships sell those SUVs specifically to certain types of people?

11. I had a great speaking event at the Osterville Library this week talking about my book Cape Cod Nights. The library parking lot was full though thanks to an art show on the front lawn. I ended up parking on the next street over. Even though I was told I’d be fine there during my event there was a little part of my brain expecting to either have a ticket on my windshield when I went back out, or my car would have just been towed. No worries though, everything was fine.

12. In a fun bit of local celebrity meeting one of the people that came to my event in Osterville after the talk revealed himself to be the legendary mailman whose truck was attacked by turkeys on camera back in 2011. It went viral and he was a sensation for a while. So now I can say I’ve met the turkey-fighting mailman and the guy who got swallowed by the humpback whale. What a life I live.

Turkey Attacks Mail Truck

10 Albums That Influenced Me The Most

Let me first preface this entry by saying that these albums I am listing are the ones which most influenced me personally and in my writing. I am not saying these are the 10 best of all-time, in fact there might be a few of them that you've never heard of. I will do my best to explain why these albums are listed here, and also give you a couple of tracks you should check out. Okay, without further delay:

10. Parachutes - Coldplay (2000) Much in the vein of Radiohead's The Bends, the debut album by Britain's Coldplay is a melodic and moody masterpiece. This is before the mainstream accepted them. A very simple formula, guitar, piano, drums, bass, and thoughtful lyrics. It is easy to be inspired by this album as I was.

Must Hear Tracks: Shiver, Trouble, Sparks

9. Grace - Jeff Buckley (1994) An amazing voice, that is the very first thing that comes to mind when thinking of Jeff Buckley. Probably not too well known, mostly due to his untimely death in 1997, Jeff Buckley, son of musician Tim Buckley, was blessed with a voice angel's would have envied. His melodies and lyrics will pull you into a new world as they did for me. Unfortunately for me, and many others, I did not discover this extremely talented artist until after his death.

Must Hear Tracks: Last Goodbye, Grace, Lover You Should Have Come Over

8. Use Your Illusion I & II - Guns N Roses (1991) Now I am sure that many of you will say that Appetite For Destruction was a better album, and you'd be right, but these are albums that influenced me. These two albums captured GNR at their excessive best, mixing the hardest bone crunching rock with legendary ballads. Axl Rose's voice and Slash's guitar prowess made even the weakest songs worth hearing. These guys were once the biggest band in the world, too bad that huge egos will probably stop a real reunion from ever happening.

Must Hear Tracks: November Rain, Estranged, Don't Cry, You Could Be Mine

7. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band - The Beatles (1967) Any list of influential albums and artists had better include something by The Beatles or it is incomplete. This is one of the first 'concept albums,' meaning that the entire album is one subject. The subject is a fictional band and their act. The Fab Four influenced everything that came after them. There is not much else I could say about them.

Must Hear Tracks: Sgt. Pepper/With A Little Help From My Friends, Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, A Day In The Life

6. Ten - Pearl Jam (1991) From the gut busting opening track Once all the way through the long, slow fade of Release the debut album by Pearl Jam helped to define a generation and save music from glam and hair bands. The subjects touched upon by Eddie Vedder in his songs could be related to by anybody, and his sheer honesty and power in his voice could make you relate to them if you couldn't before. He made you feel it. Along with Nirvana, Pearl Jam took music in a different direction and forced the mainstream to follow it.

Must Hear Tracks: Jeremy, Black, Release, Porch

5. Coil - Toad The Wet Sprocket (1997) The last release by this alternative, folk band is the one that spoke to me the most. The music is crisp and laid back in most spots which allows the lyrics to come through and be heard. Lead singer Glen Phillips wrote in a way that I often tried to mimic, at least in the way he expressed himself. I had always thought if I was in a band they would probably likely resemble Toad The Wet Sprocket.

Must Hear Tracks: All Things In Time, Whatever I Fear, Dam Would Break

4. The John Lennon Collection - John Lennon (1989) I was only three when Lennon's Double Fantasy came out in 1980, so this greatest hits collection was my first chance to hear, and truly appreciate, the magic that was John Lennon. Lennon spoke of simple things like love and life, which I understood, but then he also spoke of things greater than himself, like world peace. I listened in awe of John Lennon's words, they helped me to better express myself in my own writing. His song, Woman, was the level I reached for whenever I wrote about love.

Must Hear Tracks: Woman, Imagine, #9 Dream, Watching The Wheels

3. Achtung Baby - U2 (1991) As with Guns N Roses, I am sure a lot of you will say that Joshua Tree was the better album. In my opinion this album is the best artistic expression by U2 as it catches them smack dab in the middle of their shift from straight rock to the experimental sound of Pop. This was the first album I heard in which I truly liked every song on it, Bono has become what John Lennon was as far as writing about topics greater than himself. The music of U2, which was the background of a lot of my own lyrics, is at its peak here.

Must Hear Tracks: One, Zoo Station, Mysterious Ways, Love Is Blindness

2. OK Computer - Radiohead (1997) My first reaction upon hearing this masterpiece was simply 'wow.' Radiohead managed to inspire probably between 100-200 of my poems with this album. Each song sends you on a different journey, but each journey is special in its own right. Like U2's Achtiung Baby this album catches Radiohead smack in the middle of a change from rock to electronic. I wish I could hear this again for the first time, it inspired me and blew my mind more than any album besides the one that comes next.

Must Hear Tracks: Subterranean Homesick Alien, Airbag, Paranoid Android, Karma

Police

1. Nevermind - Nirvana (1991) Kurt Cobain is the reason I am a writer in the first place. Each and every song on this album stands alone as an inspiration. Kurt became to me what John Lennon meant to my father, and as with Lennon and the Beatles, Nirvana has influenced all rock music to come after. I will always remember where I was the first time I heard Smells Like Teen Spirit, that song and this album changed my life more than any before or since.

Must Hear Tracks: All of them, but if I have to choose a few: Lounge Act, Come As You Are, Drain You, Smells Like Teen Spirit