1998: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

This will be a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It also will show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 1998. I was still in college and had left my teens behind turning 20 years old.

Fantasy At the Counter

I see you standing there alone, you have been my fantasy for a while.

There’s so much I want to say, 

I lose the words like a little child.

You might need time for your heart to mend, 

but I can’t wait and I can’t pretend.

I’ve got it bad girl, you’re my fantasy, can’t you see?

When I look at you I see the future, 

see the other half of my life.

I will hold you up when you can’t stand. 

When you cry I will dry your eyes.

I’ve wanted you for so long, 

and I can’t keep quiet anymore.

I’d like to take my time, but it’s not on my side.

I’d love to say these words without them coming out wrong.

I’d love to skip the intros and go straight to love.

It’s a hard feeling to hide, when you fit me like a glove.

I’ve got it bad girl, you’re my fantasy, can’t you see?

When I look at you I see everything, 

see you for the beauty you bring.

When you’re lost and lonely, I will give you my hand. When you feel the world is falling down, I will try to understand. I’ve loved you for so long,

and I can’t hold back anymore.

I see you standing there and hope you see me.

It’s hard to pretend but it’s harder for the truth not to show.

I want to grab you and kiss you every time you are near. In one moment make everything clear. 

I’ll never waste the day I get the chance to make you mine.

I beg every night that someday I’ll stay in your mind for more than a moment.

I need to feel you close and be the one you chose.

I can’t stop now I’ve gone so far, I need your love I don’t want it to be hard. I see you standing there, my fantasy but will you care? I’ve wanted you for so long,

and I can’t keep quiet anymore.

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Madness

The future’s still unknown, 

unsure I step into the haunting darkness.

Eyes wide shut I feel alone, 

underneath this heavy helplessness.

Blurry thoughts race through my mind like headlights on my bedroom wall, light up my heart with false hopes, just as quickly disappear into the night air.

Say a prayer for me cause life isn’t fun anymore.

When the darkness fills in I can still see the doubt.

Is there nothing to help me out, 

what’s this life of mine all about?

Will I have to wait, 

when I’m dead inside will this madness end, unable to feel.

Constantly, constantly bothered by my worries of despair.

Bothered and shadowed, others fear pumped into me,

telling my eyes to see what’s not there.

Oh god, oh god please hear me as I cry out in the night.

Take this shit hole existence away, get this god damn joke of a life out of my sight!

The waiting game now placing a check mate on my dreams.

One day it’s one way, moments later I’m inside out of myself.

But I’ve survived this long, can’t and won’t ever quit now.

I won’t stop living, I won’t stop loving, 

building strength from my pains.

Say a prayer for me, come back when life is fun again.

When the darkness fills in with the hope and peace brought with it.

There will be help for all of us, 

fate will never completely shut you out.

This madness will end in time, 

we all need to survive it for god’s sake.

It’s for the others who have lost their way, 

I won’t make that mistake.

So here’s to everyone whose life could be better,

don’t ever stop living, the madness will end.

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Sunshine

Goodbye sunshine.

Your angel wings carry you through the light, to the other side.

No more you, no more us, no more together,

but alone we’ll remain as one forever.

Watch as your image fades from my eyes, 

I’ll close them and hope that last picture never fades. I’d never open them again if I knew it would stay here forever.

Sometimes I’ll catch myself dreaming on those cold and rainy winter days. Seeing you stand and smile, I reach out for you only to touch the air. I’ll wait for hours in the darkness for a sign, 

for you to show me anything.

Goodbye blue sky.

The tears you drop on me will not dim my light.

No more pain and no more sorrow, no more together,

but alone we’ll remain as one forever.

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When the Music Plays

Do you really feel the way you claim?

Or do the words mask the reality your heart hides away?

You say that you’re happy, as the tears come falling down

You say that you’re in love, cause there was no one else around.

Your tunnel vision blinded eyes, looking through the truth,

keep your feelings swallowed deep, hidden underneath.

Don’t be afraid of love hidden deep inside.

Don’t be afraid to step out of yourself and see it in your own eyes.

Keep your back to the wall, where the photographs hung

and keep your fingers in your ears when the music plays.

Tell yourself over and over what you think is true,

maybe in time you’ll really believe it.

East Coast, West Coast go where you want to, 

ring with the title, figure that suits you.

Humble beginnings, saddened end, 

mixed the signals I meant to send.

Did I confuse you, or was that the truth slipping out,

you are so quick to cover any love over with hate.

No, I won’t give you pain. No, I won’t give you sorrow.

I know I screwed up yesterday. But the sunset of today opens our eyes to a brighter tomorrow.

Keep your back to the wall, where the photographs hung, and keep your fingers in your ears to block out when the music plays.

Tell yourself over and over what you want to be true,

maybe in time you’ll really receive it.

You tell me you’re happy, the reflections lie to you.

You tell me you’re in love, with no one to turn to.

You tell me you’re in love, is it the truth now...

(it’s not the truth now is it?)

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What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 4. Nothing Is Guaranteed and Sometimes A Step Back Can Move You Forward

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I do believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you then can start to put into practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

For me, as I stare down 47, I can honestly say that my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

4. I’ve Learned That Nothing Is Guaranteed and That Sometimes It Takes A Step Back To Move You Forward

I spent years, too many years, working in the restaurant industry. Don’t get me wrong it was a time when I met so many important people in my life. I don’t regret it in general. I just regret that I stayed until I was bitter and angry at my own lack of movement.

In 2015 I decided to take a chance and leave cooking to become a personal trainer. I figured since I was at the gym 5+ days a week and knew my way around the equipment I could use that knowledge to help others become better versions of themselves.

I worked full-time while also going to classes over the weekend to become a trainer. It was new to me as far as how to make it a career. Up until then it was guaranteed hours cooking. They were tough hours and a lot of them were spent under high pressure, but they were always there.

In training, I learned right away that nothing was guaranteed. There was no guarantee that someone would want to pay to train with the ‘new guy.’ There was no guarantee of hours at jobs since these gyms only see trainers as valuable when they are in the actual act of training someone. These things forced me to change my view on my new career in short order.

Rather than committing to one gym, I worked at 2. Both of these were very part-time. This meant that during some weeks I’d work less between the 2 jobs than I did in half a week cooking. I had to keep pushing ahead. I held out hope that as I gained experience I would be seen as a trainer that people could count on to help them.

As much as I was determined to give personal training my best effort there was something that threatened to derail my commitment. Money. As I said there were no guarantees. I got paid more when I trained someone, and it was good money. I liken it to a server getting tips from tables they wait on. When you’re not waiting a table your wage is practically nothing. That is the struggle of training. Not only was I working part-time between 2 jobs but much of my time was getting paid about 2/3 of what I was making hourly cooking. Fewer hours, less money, it was the freight train coming through the tunnel.

I didn’t know how broke I was until I was on my lunch break at one of my gym jobs. I had walked to a nearby supermarket to buy a protein bar and bottled water. When my debit card was declined it was a cold shot of reality. I couldn’t afford water and a protein bar. I had to return the water.

I had a brief resurgence when I reopened a credit card I had closed a few years earlier. This was quickly maxed out to pay rent and bills. Within a matter of weeks, I was back where I was before, unable to buy food and likely a week away from not having enough money to pay any bills or rent. My lowest point came when I had to borrow money from a client I was training. I didn’t ask, but she had seen a social media post where I had vented a little. She reached out and made the offer and I had to swallow a lot of pride and accept the money.

This couldn’t continue. By this point I had been a trainer for 2 ½ years, I had turned 40 and didn’t know how much longer I could go on before I had to give up. I was working at 1 gym at this point and remember it like yesterday. It was May 2018 and I asked my boss for more hours as I was having a lot of trouble making ends meet. He said ‘bring in more clients and I’ll give you more hours.’ I knew then that a change was coming.

I was thrown a lifeline by an old friend I had cooked with a few years earlier. He had moved on to cooking in a retirement home but was now leaving there to move to Maine. He asked me if I wanted his job. Going back to cooking after 2 ½ years away was not what I had thought I’d have to do. However, it was again guaranteed hours and guaranteed money. Plus cooking in a retirement home sounded far less stressful than Cape Cod restaurants in the summer.

One interview later and I had the job. All that was left was telling my boss at the gym that I was out. I was surprised at how surprised he was at my news. I told him it was 100% financial and that I had asked him for hours but he needed to have strings attached to it. I wasn’t giving up on being a personal trainer but at that point, I had to take a step back to go forward.

Cooking in a retirement home was definitely a change of pace. It was new yet familiar. The people I worked with there were fun and helpful and made me not feel like a failure for having to step back into a position I thought I’d left behind. I did keep my toes in the training pool though.

One thing about being a trainer is that when you work with people trying to improve their lives you develop a relationship, a trust. When I got ready to leave my gym job I had to break the news to my clients. Several of them asked me to train them in their homes. My boss at the gym was a former used car salesman. He had no idea of what it was to be a trainer so he thought I could be replaced and none of my clients would bat an eye. That was wrong.

A few people had to switch trainers as I simply didn’t have the time to take on more than a handful of clients. The icing on the cake for me, when it came to the ignorance of my now-former boss, was when it came to one particular client I was to train in-home.

She had worked with me through her first pregnancy and when she returned to the gym she found it hard to get to the gym with a newborn. Training in-home was the perfect solution. My old boss had the hair-brained scheme of sending a new trainer to her house to work with her. Needless to say, she was not having that.

In-home training taught me how to essentially run my own training business and craft workouts all on my own. In time I would leave cooking again and take another swipe at personal training as my main job. This time had far better results.

However, there is a big difference between a job and a passion. I enjoy being a trainer but my passion, my dream, has always been something different.

Remember that nothing is forever. Just because you fail, or feel like you've failed, does not mean that is the end of the story. I believe it was the band Semisonic who said 'Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.' 

Next: Part 5 - There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

Previous: Part 3 - There's No Textbook For Dealing With Grief and Loss

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #44: Hydraulic Press, Bird’s Nest Hair, Bot Fights, etc.

 

1. Social media learns your interests and crafts your algorithm to show you more of that stuff. I don’t know how it happened but my Facebook Reels suggestions for several weeks have been nothing but a hydraulic press crushing various objects. I’ve seen bowling balls, candles, wood, action figures, and more get flattened. I find it fun and satisfying, and obviously, as I keep watching them the algorithm will keep showing me more but I still don’t know how it started.

2. It was the tale of 2 cute kids at the supermarket one night this week. One little girl, probably 3, was running up and down all of the aisles with her mother trying to keep up with her. I found myself playing traffic cop once, alerting the mother of where her child had gone. The other little girl, probably also 3, was so excited to help her grandmother scan items at the self-checkout that she caused the machine to shut down several times. The attendant had to repeatedly come over to reset the machine. I thought both were cute, the adults watching these kids were not as amused as me though.

3. So often over the last several years I feel in my life that I have totally lost the road. It is as if I am crossing a rickety bridge in the fog and I am not even sure what’s on the other side. I’m just hoping that whatever it is it’s worth moving toward. There are plenty of times I feel I need to stop moving and take a serious look at my surroundings, but then the fear of wasting more time overtakes me and I start sprinting in the darkness. I don’t know if this is how my mid-life crisis is manifesting itself. What I do know is that I’ll keep moving forward until I find whatever I’m chasing or until I collapse.

How life feels at times.

4. A really fun thing to have happen is to pull into a parking space after dark. Then you open your car door to step out and on the ground is a mass of god knows what. Some was liquid, some was mushy, and all of it was gross. To top it off I had to do a kind of ballet dance to get around it. Not sure if I totally missed stepping in it. That was not a good time.

5. On the roads to some beaches on Cape Cod, and I’m sure other places, some signs show you how to proceed if you’re not in a vehicle. They say: Walk Right, Ride Left. That makes sense if you’re going in one direction. What about if you’re going the other way? When you walk right and ride left isn’t it on the opposite side? Doesn’t that make it basically anarchy on these roads? The sign should just say: Walk wherever, ride wherever, as long as you’re not in the middle of the road. These types of thoughts and observations are Exhibit A of why I say my life is like a Seinfeld episode some days.

6. My introversion paid off a bit. I stopped for a few quick things at a convenience store. I grabbed them and immediately went for the self-checkout register located in between a pair of regular registers. This was so I could get in and out without a lot of small talk that I’m not particularly a big fan of. The employee that was working had stepped away momentarily to straighten up one of the aisles. They were so grateful that I could check myself out rather than make them stop their work and come back. I decided to take that win and not say it was because I didn’t want to interact with anyone.

7. At my work there was a fun message I came into one morning. We have an automated away message that is sent to people who text after hours. It just thanks them for the message and states our hours. I walked in with 48 unread messages from one specific number which was alarming at first. I mean who would text us 48 times overnight, right? It turns out that the message that came in was automated, and then we responded with our automated message, which then triggered the same message again from the source. You can see where this is going. It was two bots responding to each other repeatedly. I couldn’t stop laughing once I realized the absurdity of it.

This is how I imagined the bots interacting.

8. Those who used to read the original Initial Impressions blog back in 2010-2012 will remember my attempts to get 5-Hour Energy to sponsor my road trips. I mentioned it numerous times in the old blogs. Now there’s a new version of this energy shot called 5-Hour Energy Sport which I guess is different than the regular because it’s supposed to be a pre-workout. Anyway, I enjoy it but again it has me wondering how to get them to sponsor my road trips. Maybe I’ll keep mentioning them in the video version of this blog. Or maybe I should actually start doing more road trips before I look for a sponsor?

9. In keeping with the feeling lost, Mid-Life Crisis theme I am trying to shake things up with small changes in my life. Switching from Pandora to Spotify for my music app. Quitting Twitter/X and going to Bluesky. Growing my hair out a bit. It’s only been a few days of all of this but it does feel a little new and rejuvenating. I believe a series of smaller tweaks in life can be just as impactful as packing up and moving cross country. I mean I already did that, twice.

10. Speaking of growing hair out my plan is for it to be only slightly longer. When my hair is long it is not straight or curly, it is like a bird’s nest which I hate. I have been routinely shaving my head since 2010. With few exceptions, this has been a weekly occurrence. On the odd occasion when I have grown my hair out people are shocked that I actually have a full head of hair and don’t shave it because I am going bald. Unfortunately now in my late 40s, I can already see after a few weeks of growing it that my hair is far more gray and white than I remembered. I’m not going to dye it though, I might as well age with dignity. Plus I can always just shave it off again in a few months.  

My hair will not be as long as it was here in 2019.

1997 My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This will be a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It also will show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 1997. I was in my first year of college and was 19 years old.

In My Footsteps Podcast Episode 171: A Crystal Pepsi Employee Training Video, Tupperware, More Weird Old Thanksgiving Recipes, Moby Dick(11-20-2024)

 

A training video on how to sell Crystal Pepsi. The rise and fall of Tupperware. Some more weird old Thanksgiving recipes.
Episode 171 will stuff you full of nostalgia and even provide some leftovers.
It begins with the story of the rise and fall of the iconic brand Tupperware. For decades it has been synonymous with food storage. However today Tupperware is at a crossroads. Whether they survive or fade into the past we'll look at the impact of the brand this week.
One product that came in with an explosion and quickly faded away was Crystal Pepsi. Once hailed as the soda of the future it ended up becoming a punchline for failure. We go back to the beginning though as we review an employee training video about selling and marketing Crystal Pepsi. This video will make you think of what might have been in between loud laughter.
Hopefully, you will not see these foods on your table this year. A new Top 5 will showcase more weird old Thanksgiving recipes. These range from odd to unique to just plain gross. The first weird recipe countdown is in Episode 94.
There will also be a brand new This Week In History and Time Capsule centered around the wreck of the Essex which inspired the classic novel Moby Dick.
For more great content become a subscriber on Patreon!

Helpful Links from this Episode

• The Lady of the Dunes.com
• Purchase My New Book Cape Cod Beyond the Beach!
• In My Footsteps: A Cape Cod Travel Guide(2nd Edition)
• Hooked By Kiwi - Etsy.com
• DJ Williams Music
• KeeKee's Cape Cod Kitchen
• Christopher Setterlund.com
• Cape Cod Living - Zazzle Store
• Subscribe on YouTube!
• Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog
• UPDATE: Bonnie Bickwit and Mitchel Weiser Case - Rolling Stone.com
• Webcam Weekly Wrapup Podcast
• Crystal Pepsi Training Video
• Cape Cod 1929 Podcast

Listen to Episode 170 here

What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 3. There's No Textbook For Dealing With Grief and Loss

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I do believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you then can start to put into practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

For me, as I stare down 47, I can honestly say that my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog: #43 - Early Birthday Gift, Owl Chats, Free Food, etc.

 

1. One of my oldest friends Hasan came down to Cape Cod from up near Boston with his son for a visit. I’ve known him since 1989, so yeah a long time. What was really neat is that he wanted to see my mother in addition to wanting to see me. It was a great reflection on what he thought of her and what our family meant to him growing up. We got to sit and talk for a good 90 minutes in my mom’s living room and it felt like it was back in the 90s again. It was a perfect early birthday present for my mother who hadn’t seen Hasan since we graduated high school in 1996.

2. Piggybacking on that last one. I took a quick detour into the basement storage area at my mom’s and found an audio cassette Hasan and I recorded probably back in late 1990, or early 1991. My plan is to try to get myself a cassette-to-computer USB adapter to try to get that audio saved. I feel like a 34-year-old cassette might only have 1 play left in it so I have to make it count.

It likely has 1 play left in it.

3. What’s with people who wear sunglasses indoors? Is it supposed to be a fashion statement? It’s one thing if it’s those transition lenses that change from inside to outside. But really, it doesn’t make you look cool with your shades on looking at cereals in a supermarket. Although I will admit that I felt kind of cool during Covid when masks were mandatory and I’d go into a supermarket with a mask, sunglasses, and a hoodie. At any other point in time, I’d have been the sketchiest guy ever, but in 2020 I was being safe.

4. Living across the street from a small plot of conservation land I am used to brushes with nature. From coyotes to turkeys and loads of rabbits, I see animals all the time. One night this week while getting ready to brush my teeth I could hear loudly outside a pair of owls engrossed in conversation. They were so loud I could hear them through closed windows. I quietly opened a window and recorded them chatting. In the end, they must have been hooting loudly outside for at least 20 minutes. At one point I wanted to tell them that was enough I got the point, but I don’t speak owl.

5. “Beards are like sweatpants for your face. It doesn’t matter how chubby you’re getting when wearing one.” – Chad Daniels

I love that quote from comedian Chad Daniels. It does hit a bit close to home though this week. I’ve been growing a pretty impressive long mostly white goatee for about 7 months. At this point though I am torn. I like it, but it is also kind of emblematic of not caring or taking care of myself. Not shaving leads to not doing other things at least for me. Slacking on the gym, slacking on eating right, or taking my daily vitamins. There are times when I am deep into beard life that I think I need to get rid of it to spark a wave of energy. So maybe that’s coming, but it’s also getting colder…

6. Maybe a little TMI but it’s funny. At work in our public bathroom, we have a thing called Air Scense. If you don’t know it’s a deodorizing spray for when someone drops a bomb in the bathroom. There’s the TMI. The funny part is the fact that the citrus-scented spray bottle we have has basically been empty for close to a year. Yet every time we think it’s done it has more sprays left. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when Kramer test drives the car and wants to see how far past ‘E’ the needle can go before running out of gas. It’s like we can buy more stinky bathroom spray but we’re finding it more fun to see how long it can last us.

Nothing lasts forever, except maybe one of these.

7. My new obsession is chili mango chicken drumsticks. They sell them, fully cooked, at the Shaw’s near me. Not only are they good, but they’re cheap. This is naturally a bad combo for me since it makes it easy for me to buy way too much for not a lot of money. At first, I thought there must be a catch as to why they’re cheap, so far I haven’t gotten sick, or grown an extra limb. Granted there is still time for that, or to just gain loads of weight. We’ll see.

8. A recurring statement I have made on social media is a U2 lyric. ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.’ That pops up in my Facebook memories every now and then with the oldest one I’ve seen being 2008. I still stand by the statement that I haven’t found what I am looking for in life. On one hand, it’s hilarious that I still haven’t found whatever it is for going on 17 years. On the other hand, it’s pretty depressing that I’m wandering down this road searching for something that I can’t quite put my finger on. Is it success? Is it happiness? Is it stability? Is it love? I still don’t know.

9. I ordered food through the McDonald’s app this week. Yes, don’t judge, stress eating is an issue I am trying to deal with. Also, have you seen the deals you can get on that app? It’s dangerous. Anyway, I placed my order and got the receipt via email on my phone. I went inside and waited for close to 25 minutes before asking if they’d received my order. I showed them the receipt and they made my food. The woman said the app was having issues and that I wasn’t the only one. Flash forward a few hours later and I got a follow-up email from McDonald’s telling me that due to the problem with the app, my payment was being refunded. So not only did get some good (but bad for me) food, I also ended up getting it for free. Double win, and maybe soon a double chin.

10. There are few things more demoralizing than going out for your longest walk in over a month and ending up injured. It is my right plantar fascia (arch) and I honestly have no idea how it happened. My days of running are likely done to a degree, but walking? I’m just trying to get back close to the shape I was in before Covid and it’s like roadblocks just keep landing in my way. I feel like saying ‘ok universe, I give up’ and getting one of those motorized scooters. 

Maybe I should give up and just become this guy.