What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 4. Nothing Is Guaranteed and Sometimes A Step Back Can Move You Forward

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I do believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you then can start to put into practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

For me, as I stare down 47, I can honestly say that my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

4. I’ve Learned That Nothing Is Guaranteed and That Sometimes It Takes A Step Back To Move You Forward

I spent years, too many years, working in the restaurant industry. Don’t get me wrong it was a time when I met so many important people in my life. I don’t regret it in general. I just regret that I stayed until I was bitter and angry at my own lack of movement.

In 2015 I decided to take a chance and leave cooking to become a personal trainer. I figured since I was at the gym 5+ days a week and knew my way around the equipment I could use that knowledge to help others become better versions of themselves.

I worked full-time while also going to classes over the weekend to become a trainer. It was new to me as far as how to make it a career. Up until then it was guaranteed hours cooking. They were tough hours and a lot of them were spent under high pressure, but they were always there.

In training, I learned right away that nothing was guaranteed. There was no guarantee that someone would want to pay to train with the ‘new guy.’ There was no guarantee of hours at jobs since these gyms only see trainers as valuable when they are in the actual act of training someone. These things forced me to change my view on my new career in short order.

Rather than committing to one gym, I worked at 2. Both of these were very part-time. This meant that during some weeks I’d work less between the 2 jobs than I did in half a week cooking. I had to keep pushing ahead. I held out hope that as I gained experience I would be seen as a trainer that people could count on to help them.

As much as I was determined to give personal training my best effort there was something that threatened to derail my commitment. Money. As I said there were no guarantees. I got paid more when I trained someone, and it was good money. I liken it to a server getting tips from tables they wait on. When you’re not waiting a table your wage is practically nothing. That is the struggle of training. Not only was I working part-time between 2 jobs but much of my time was getting paid about 2/3 of what I was making hourly cooking. Fewer hours, less money, it was the freight train coming through the tunnel.

I didn’t know how broke I was until I was on my lunch break at one of my gym jobs. I had walked to a nearby supermarket to buy a protein bar and bottled water. When my debit card was declined it was a cold shot of reality. I couldn’t afford water and a protein bar. I had to return the water.

I had a brief resurgence when I reopened a credit card I had closed a few years earlier. This was quickly maxed out to pay rent and bills. Within a matter of weeks, I was back where I was before, unable to buy food and likely a week away from not having enough money to pay any bills or rent. My lowest point came when I had to borrow money from a client I was training. I didn’t ask, but she had seen a social media post where I had vented a little. She reached out and made the offer and I had to swallow a lot of pride and accept the money.

This couldn’t continue. By this point I had been a trainer for 2 ½ years, I had turned 40 and didn’t know how much longer I could go on before I had to give up. I was working at 1 gym at this point and remember it like yesterday. It was May 2018 and I asked my boss for more hours as I was having a lot of trouble making ends meet. He said ‘bring in more clients and I’ll give you more hours.’ I knew then that a change was coming.

I was thrown a lifeline by an old friend I had cooked with a few years earlier. He had moved on to cooking in a retirement home but was now leaving there to move to Maine. He asked me if I wanted his job. Going back to cooking after 2 ½ years away was not what I had thought I’d have to do. However, it was again guaranteed hours and guaranteed money. Plus cooking in a retirement home sounded far less stressful than Cape Cod restaurants in the summer.

One interview later and I had the job. All that was left was telling my boss at the gym that I was out. I was surprised at how surprised he was at my news. I told him it was 100% financial and that I had asked him for hours but he needed to have strings attached to it. I wasn’t giving up on being a personal trainer but at that point, I had to take a step back to go forward.

Cooking in a retirement home was definitely a change of pace. It was new yet familiar. The people I worked with there were fun and helpful and made me not feel like a failure for having to step back into a position I thought I’d left behind. I did keep my toes in the training pool though.

One thing about being a trainer is that when you work with people trying to improve their lives you develop a relationship, a trust. When I got ready to leave my gym job I had to break the news to my clients. Several of them asked me to train them in their homes. My boss at the gym was a former used car salesman. He had no idea of what it was to be a trainer so he thought I could be replaced and none of my clients would bat an eye. That was wrong.

A few people had to switch trainers as I simply didn’t have the time to take on more than a handful of clients. The icing on the cake for me, when it came to the ignorance of my now-former boss, was when it came to one particular client I was to train in-home.

She had worked with me through her first pregnancy and when she returned to the gym she found it hard to get to the gym with a newborn. Training in-home was the perfect solution. My old boss had the hair-brained scheme of sending a new trainer to her house to work with her. Needless to say, she was not having that.

In-home training taught me how to essentially run my own training business and craft workouts all on my own. In time I would leave cooking again and take another swipe at personal training as my main job. This time had far better results.

However, there is a big difference between a job and a passion. I enjoy being a trainer but my passion, my dream, has always been something different.

Remember that nothing is forever. Just because you fail, or feel like you've failed, does not mean that is the end of the story. I believe it was the band Semisonic who said 'Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.' 

Next: Part 5 - There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

Previous: Part 3 - There's No Textbook For Dealing With Grief and Loss