This will be a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It also will show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 1998. I was still in college and had left my teens behind turning 20 years old.
Fantasy At the Counter
I see you standing there alone, you have been my fantasy for a while.
There’s so much I want to say,
I lose the words like a little child.
You might need time for your heart to mend,
but I can’t wait and I can’t pretend.
I’ve got it bad girl, you’re my fantasy, can’t you see?
When I look at you I see the future,
see the other half of my life.
I will hold you up when you can’t stand.
When you cry I will dry your eyes.
I’ve wanted you for so long,
and I can’t keep quiet anymore.
I’d like to take my time, but it’s not on my side.
I’d love to say these words without them coming out wrong.
I’d love to skip the intros and go straight to love.
It’s a hard feeling to hide, when you fit me like a glove.
I’ve got it bad girl, you’re my fantasy, can’t you see?
When I look at you I see everything,
see you for the beauty you bring.
When you’re lost and lonely, I will give you my hand. When you feel the world is falling down, I will try to understand. I’ve loved you for so long,
and I can’t hold back anymore.
I see you standing there and hope you see me.
It’s hard to pretend but it’s harder for the truth not to show.
I want to grab you and kiss you every time you are near. In one moment make everything clear.
I’ll never waste the day I get the chance to make you mine.
I beg every night that someday I’ll stay in your mind for more than a moment.
I need to feel you close and be the one you chose.
I can’t stop now I’ve gone so far, I need your love I don’t want it to be hard. I see you standing there, my fantasy but will you care? I’ve wanted you for so long,
and I can’t keep quiet anymore.
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Madness
The future’s still unknown,
unsure I step into the haunting darkness.
Eyes wide shut I feel alone,
underneath this heavy helplessness.
Blurry thoughts race through my mind like headlights on my bedroom wall, light up my heart with false hopes, just as quickly disappear into the night air.
Say a prayer for me cause life isn’t fun anymore.
When the darkness fills in I can still see the doubt.
Is there nothing to help me out,
what’s this life of mine all about?
Will I have to wait,
when I’m dead inside will this madness end, unable to feel.
Constantly, constantly bothered by my worries of despair.
Bothered and shadowed, others fear pumped into me,
telling my eyes to see what’s not there.
Oh god, oh god please hear me as I cry out in the night.
Take this shit hole existence away, get this god damn joke of a life out of my sight!
The waiting game now placing a check mate on my dreams.
One day it’s one way, moments later I’m inside out of myself.
But I’ve survived this long, can’t and won’t ever quit now.
I won’t stop living, I won’t stop loving,
building strength from my pains.
Say a prayer for me, come back when life is fun again.
When the darkness fills in with the hope and peace brought with it.
There will be help for all of us,
fate will never completely shut you out.
This madness will end in time,
we all need to survive it for god’s sake.
It’s for the others who have lost their way,
I won’t make that mistake.
So here’s to everyone whose life could be better,
don’t ever stop living, the madness will end.
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Sunshine
Goodbye sunshine.
Your angel wings carry you through the light, to the other side.
No more you, no more us, no more together,
but alone we’ll remain as one forever.
Watch as your image fades from my eyes,
I’ll close them and hope that last picture never fades. I’d never open them again if I knew it would stay here forever.
Sometimes I’ll catch myself dreaming on those cold and rainy winter days. Seeing you stand and smile, I reach out for you only to touch the air. I’ll wait for hours in the darkness for a sign,
for you to show me anything.
Goodbye blue sky.
The tears you drop on me will not dim my light.
No more pain and no more sorrow, no more together,
but alone we’ll remain as one forever.
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When the Music Plays
Do you really feel the way you claim?
Or do the words mask the reality your heart hides away?
You say that you’re happy, as the tears come falling down
You say that you’re in love, cause there was no one else around.
Your tunnel vision blinded eyes, looking through the truth,
keep your feelings swallowed deep, hidden underneath.
Don’t be afraid of love hidden deep inside.
Don’t be afraid to step out of yourself and see it in your own eyes.
Keep your back to the wall, where the photographs hung
and keep your fingers in your ears when the music plays.
Tell yourself over and over what you think is true,
maybe in time you’ll really believe it.
East Coast, West Coast go where you want to,
ring with the title, figure that suits you.
Humble beginnings, saddened end,
mixed the signals I meant to send.
Did I confuse you, or was that the truth slipping out,
you are so quick to cover any love over with hate.
No, I won’t give you pain. No, I won’t give you sorrow.
I know I screwed up yesterday. But the sunset of today opens our eyes to a brighter tomorrow.
Keep your back to the wall, where the photographs hung, and keep your fingers in your ears to block out when the music plays.
Tell yourself over and over what you want to be true,
maybe in time you’ll really receive it.
You tell me you’re happy, the reflections lie to you.
You tell me you’re in love, with no one to turn to.
You tell me you’re in love, is it the truth now...
(it’s not the truth now is it?)
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