Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog: #54 - Earthquakes, Fluffy Cows, Old Menus, etc.

1. It’s a shock to the system when you realize that what used to work no longer works. No cryptic post here this refers to fitness. Now in my late 40s, I am struggling with weight loss. My brain remembers running loads of miles as the way I dropped over 40 pounds. However, this was also now over 13 years ago. My body can’t handle that sort of load. Also, my metabolism is naturally slowing. This is a bad combo when I add that I constantly crave bad foods. That means that if I want to get back close to my peak physical condition I am going to have to try new things like, ugh, eating way more healthy.

2. We had a rare occurrence this week. We felt an earthquake on Cape Cod. The epicenter was just off the coast of Portsmouth, New Hampshire. It registered at a 3.8. Typically we get small shakes roughly every 5 years. Those usually average about 3.0. This was a good deal more intense. For me where I was I thought a large truck was going by. I was sitting by a window and could see that in the time surrounding the rumbling that no vehicles were in the area. It didn’t register until I started seeing people posting about the quake a few minutes later. Pretty wild.

3. My new phone has something called an ‘action button.’ It is a side button you can program to do a specific task with one click. For example, you can have it where it automatically takes a photo or video. I did something wrong and it ended up getting stuck while the camera was open. What did this mean? Well, I was trying to shoot a very specific slow-motion video. By the time I got the thing shut off, I had about 40 different 2 or 3-second video clips many of which were me getting increasingly angry at what was happening. Thankfully it is all set now, and even more thankfully I deleted all of those foolish videos.

4. It was a chilly sunset at Taylor-Bray Farm. There is a very cute Scottish Highland Cow named Spaghetti there. He is shaggy with pretty good-sized horns. I got him to come over near the fence as I filmed him. Granted he was more interested in the employee that was getting ready to feed him but that’s beside the point. I ended up in total with nearly 3 minutes of video of this cow and the only time I paused recording was the one time he mooed. Otherwise, he just stared like he was on something. Dang it cow, I just wanted cute moo sounds. Fine, at least the donkeys yelled.

A typical Scottish Highland Cow

5. I saw 2 of the strangest cars within seconds of each other in the same parking lot. One was parked next to me at the gym. It was strange because it was as filled with stuff as you could get in a normal-sized sedan. I don’t know if the person who owned it was living in their car, moving, or just was a hoarder who had a new haul. I don’t even know how they fit in the driver’s seat or drove without being pulled over because there is no way they could see out the back window. The other one from a distance looked like a cow dressed up as a car. When I got closer it was just that the white paint had been stripped away in lots of round patches exposing black underneath. The owner should just finish it off and get some bull horns, or a stuffed cow head for his hood ornament.

6. I ordered myself a new pair of running shoes online. Instead of getting the Brooks Ghost, which I’ve been wearing pretty faithfully since 2012, I switched to the Brooks Adrenaline. This wasn’t a random switch though. The original shoe I ran in was the Adrenaline. They are a stability shoe, typically for those with flatter feet. I did a foot scan a few years ago and my arches are far flatter after thousands of miles of running. I finally decided to try the stability shoes again to see if maybe they’d help me get back to running. Wrong. I mostly walked and even that had my feet hurting as much as they used to when I was marathon training. So I ended up returning them and getting a new pair of my usual Ghosts. At least I tried right?

7. Sometimes timing is everything. It was a very rainy day. I just happened to be heading down to the basement to put my laundry in the dryer. It was on my way past a window that I spotted an Amazon truck with its sliding side door wide open in front of the house. I waited for a driver to bring whatever package they had to the front door. Instead, I spotted the guy walking across the front yard coming from the side of the house. Rather than placing the package on the front step, the guy put it on the back deck. On one hand, it was out of sight of potential thieves which was good. On the other hand, if I hadn’t seen him the package would have sat out in the rain for hours at least. So I’m conflicted, but it all ended up being fine only because of my good timing.

8. An amazing gift arrived this week. It was a 91-year-old menu from a former Cape Cod restaurant known as The Bellows. It existed in Falmouth and was owned by a woman named Thekla Hedlund. I had written an article about it many years ago. It’s an amazing gift if you’re a lover of history. A woman saw the article recently because the website that I wrote for paid me once and then recycles my work with a fresh date on it. Yeah, they suck. Anyway, she sent me the menu that her grandmother had kept. This menu is a fascinating look into the popular foods and the prices from the Great Depression. I was very grateful and sent the woman a copy of my Hotels and Motels book as it has a chapter on The Bellows inside of it.

A really cool gift.

9. I am trying to do some more creative work in terms of photography in 2025. I have a new phone with a bunch of fun features for the camera. I also have some props like crystals, a selfie stick, a gimbal, and a battery-powered spinning colorful ball. All of these things would certainly make for unique photos and videos. The only trouble is that it can take time and effort to set up these unique shots. I don’t mind it, unless it is cold and windy which it has been since it’s winter. I still want to work on it, but it might be more of a spring project.

10. Cuteness Alert: I walked out on the Bass Hole boardwalk in Yarmouth Port. I was shooting a video and getting a couple of photos. I was all the way at the end packing up my gear since it was cold. A mother was coming down the boardwalk with her 2 kids. 1 was probably 6 or 7 and the other was probably 2. She was the cuteness. As I was walking back she was talking and she suddenly noticed me. She yelled to her mom ‘oh no there’s a person coming!.’ It was so adorable but I only said ‘hi’ as I walked by when I actually wanted to tell her how adorable she was. 

The Bass Hole Boardwalk

Thekla Hedlund and The Bellows: In Their Footsteps - Cape Cod History

Outside The Bellows(c. Falmouth Historical Society)

     In June 1933, Cape Cod, Massachusetts was a very different place than it is today. The current Sagamore and Bourne Bridges that cross the Cape Cod Canal were two years away from being constructed. In their places stood two drawbridges built in the 1910s. The Mid-Cape Highway was two decades from existence; Route 6A and Route 28 were the main roads carrying people all over. 

     There was no television, and there were no radio stations. According to the 1930 census, the year-round population was a mere 32,000 or roughly 17,000 less than Barnstable alone as of 2023. 

     It was a much different world then, except for one thing: food. In any time, people have to eat. As the Great Depression took hold, a new eating establishment opened up in the then-quiet town of Falmouth. At that point, Falmouth’s year-round population was less than 5,000. The new restaurant was simply known as The Bellows. Its owner would make it one of the first landmark restaurants on Cape Cod. 

Thekla (Starck) Hedlund(BobB/Find A Grave.com)

    Thekla Marie Starck was born on June 11, 1872 in Sweden. She emigrated to the town of Lynbrook, New York about 25 miles east of New York City. Thekla met and married Morris Hedlund. The couple came to Cape Cod during the Roaring Twenties, summering in the village of Centerville. It was during her initial years on the Cape that Thekla began to establish a reputation for creating and serving delicious food. 

     In the early 20th century, Cape Cod experienced a surge in the popularity of tea rooms. These establishments offered more than just refreshments. They became social hubs, especially for women seeking both leisure and entrepreneurial opportunities. These tea rooms were often quaint, charming spaces, sometimes set in repurposed barns, old houses, or even grist mills, providing a homelike environment that was both inviting and respectable. 

     Notable Cape Cod tea rooms from the era included: The Sign of the Pine in Wellfleet, The Hangar Tea Room in Falmouth Heights, and the Dunbar Tea Room in Sandwich which is still in operation as of 2025. 

     Thekla and Morris first operated the Hedlund Food Shop and Tea Room in 1924 on Main Street in Centerville. Soon the name was changed to the Lustre Tea Room. Sadly Morris died in January 1929 leaving Thekla and her four children scrambling. 

Morris Hedlund(BobB/Find A Grave.com)

     Despite the tremendous loss Thekla carried on and ran the Lustre Tea Room with the help of her daughters Greta and Maria. Thekla’s skill with cuisine was apparent, but the loss of Morris forced her to learn the business aspect as well. It would prove invaluable.

     Being familiar with how they worked Thekla initially intended on opening up another tea room as her next venture. In September 1932 she bought a piece of property from Clifford L. Hubbard located on Falmouth Heights Road. Hubbard had been a longtime selectman for the town of Falmouth.    

     Even back then it was quite difficult to open a new business. It was far more difficult as a woman. Hedlund found herself initially rejected by the town in January 1933. The reason at the time was that she wanted to build a house and restaurant combination. The town was hesitant as the area was only zoned for residential houses. 

     A second application was accepted in February to allow the building to be constructed on Falmouth Heights Road. This contained three conditions for the establishment. There must be adequate parking. The restaurant must close no later than 9:30 pm. Third was the curious rule that dancing was prohibited. 

Inside The Bellows(Falmouth Historical Society)

     Local builder John DeMello erected the tearoom. Patrons were met with a large reception hall upon entering. The white pine walls, beamed ceiling, and fireplace screamed ‘home.’ The large dining area was complete with maple furniture and a spectacular view of a pine tree-lined garden. 

     Thekla Hedlund, assisted by her daughters Marie and Greta, was ready for the grand opening which occurred on June 17, 1933. Interestingly at this time Hedlund still maintained the Lustre Tea Room.

The Bellows menu from August 1934

     Word spread slowly during the first season. Hedlund relied on her reputation from the Lustre Tea Room and positive feedback from those customers who took a chance on her new establishment. Those who did come in for breakfast, lunch, or dinner were treated to fine cuisine. Local lobsterman Sam Cahoon, who had provided lobsters to Hedlund at Lustre, caught them for The Bellows as well. 

     This was no tearoom. It was a full-fledged restaurant. The menu was loaded with delicious choices like chicken, steak, lobster, swordfish, and the very popular corn fritters. There was an array of soups, sandwiches, and desserts. The centerpiece of the menu was the Shore Dinner. For $1.75($41.22 in 2025) one could get an appetizer, main dish with sides, dessert, and beverage. 

The Bellows Shore Dinner choices.

     A seasonal spot, The Bellows set a schedule of opening in mid-June and closing in mid-September. Thekla returned to Long Island with her two daughters for the winter.

     Upon returning to the Cape for the start of the second season at The Bellows, Hedlund found that business was booming. Whereas in the first season, one could show up and find a table, it was now necessary for people to telephone ahead and make reservations. 

     Perhaps it was Sam Cahoon’s fresh lobsters, which were part of a $1.50($34.56 in 2025) lobster dinner. It could have been the $.75($17.28 in 2025) dinner specials every night but Sundays and holidays. Whatever it was, The Bellows was a certified hit, and it would only get bigger. 

     In the summer of 1935, Thekla finally had to sell the Lustre Tea Room to focus solely on the booming Bellows. It was George Doubtfire who bought the Centerville establishment from Thekla. In 1938, Hedlund received permission to expand The Bellows and it was sorely needed. The business was getting too big for the original building. John DeMello returned to help build two additions.  

The Bellows menu from 1934 with the daily specials.

     The Bellows grew in business and reputation into the 1940s, with Thekla and her daughters shouldering the load. Often were the days when people waited outside for tables. It was a dream scenario for Hedlund, but the good times came with a price. That wear and tear eventually came to claim Hedlund. In August 1945, nearing the end of her twelfth busy season at The Bellows, Thekla suffered a cerebral hemorrhage. Her daughters immediately closed down to tend to their mother. 

     Despite their best efforts, Thekla would never again open The Bellows. Thekla’s health worsened with a stroke and a fall resulting in a broken hip. The beloved restaurant was sold in March 1946 to Charles Colligan when it became apparent that Thekla would never be able to undertake her duties again. 

     The Falmouth Enterprise newspaper upon the sale of The Bellows commended Hedlund’s creation. She in turn was modest, remarking from her hospital bed: “We don’t deserve so much praise, but it makes me very happy.”

     Thekla passed away on April 13, 1946, at Symmes Hospital in Arlington, Massachusetts at the age of seventy-two. Charles Colligan sold The Bellows less than two weeks after Thekla’s death to New Hampshire restaurateur William Doukas. The sale was held up briefly as it appeared that Colligan had bought and sold the establishment before even taking control of the title.  

     Doukas carried on Thekla’s tradition as best he could. He brought in well-established chef Val Daigle from Dinty Moore’s in Boston. Doukas spent two seasons running The Bellows. 

     Doukas sold The Bellows to prolific local businessman John Sheehan in February 1948. Sheehan turned The Bellows into an inn with accommodations for up to thirty-five guests. He also renamed it the Red Horse Inn, possibly due to his love of horse racing. After fifteen years The Bellows was officially no more.

     Sheehan opened the new Red Horse Inn on June 19, 1948. It had a public dining room that could seat forty. It appeared as though Sheehan was keeping the restaurant lineage alive at the location on Falmouth Heights Road. This included bringing aboard Edward Masterson the former chef at Chatham Bars Inn.

     The dual role of the Red Horse Inn did not last. Over time the food service was phased out and the establishment was run as a guest house only by Sheehan’s parents. 

Red Horse Inn in 2024

     In 1952, the Red Horse Inn was sold to Raymond Duffy to be used as a guest house with no restaurant. Previously Duffy and his wife Dorothy had owned the Falmouth Stationary store. Though the couple had good intentions their other business ventures required a lot of their time. This meant that their ownership of the Red Horse Inn was relatively brief.

     They sold the property to Grace and Bob Cashman in July 1956. However, they ran the inn for the remainder of that season before ultimately moving to Denver, Colorado. Their sale meant that the establishment had been sold five times in the ten years since Thekla Hedlund’s death.

     The Cashmans worked hard to make the Red Horse Inn into a landmark in Falmouth. They brought some much-needed stability to the former Bellows and held onto it for forty-seven years. It was sold to Cape Cod business icon William Zammer who was owner until his death in 2021. As of 2025, Red Horse Inn is still thriving. 

     However, one cannot help but think back to a different time, a different generation. Thekla Hedlund’s principles of good food and unwavering quality in cooking and service are the hallmarks of any great restaurant. It is easy to understand why The Bellows was one of the first true iconic establishments on Cape Cod. 

2005: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 2005. I was 27 years old. An important relationship evolved, changed, and ultimately ended during this year. Love, a brief engagement, and a tumble into despair. This all heavily affected my writing.

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Baby Blue

All the running that I do now, every moment I remember somehow. I know your time might be far away but there's a glimpse of a face when I hope and pray. All the wrongs are pushed away, what is right in the world will show me the way. When I first hear your voice I'll know everything is okay. So many things I thought I needed but now I know none of it's true. I keep the faith and wait patiently to meet you baby blue. Everything that meant so much means nothing compared to you.

All the strength I thought I'd built, a well of hope that no water could fill. Those emotions not seen, I try to hide, but your eyes see past that, my walls crumble inside. I know your beauty comes from the other side, but I know you're mine from your blue eyes. Can you see yourself in me, 'cause I see me in you. You make me feel all the man I should be, your love will get me through. When the world gets crazy, your soul may be the only thing that remains true. I take my punches and walk the miles of life to come home to you my baby blue. Everything that meant so much means nothing compared to you.

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Muse

She’s got a strength that holds me up.

She’s got a softness that lets me in.

She’s got two eyes that can see me, 

and two ears that hear me.

There’s a mind that frees me, a heart that heals me.

My knees still get weak when I see her, just like the first time, every time I still need her.

I can never see myself, without her by my side,

I could never be myself if I never let her inside.

She’s got a way of speaking to me, 

in any language she gets through to me.

She knows just how to touch me, 

when I try to hide she reaches me.

She’s got two arms to squeeze me, 

lips sent here to release me.

She won’t be told, not too shy or too bold,

she’s the fountain of youth when I’m feeling old.

My heart still skips beats like the first time,

last time, every time, she’s the world and all life means.

My heart can never beat on its own, 

frozen still when I’m alone,

she’s the inspiration, in her I have grown.

She is my dream, she can have my soul,

she’s got a love that can find me when I am all alone.

She is the world, the sun in my sky, she is the answer before the question is known.

She’s got a strength that keeps me going, and shy enough to let me come to her.

She’s got to ask sometimes, the feelings that I keep inside, but she always knows I adore her, 

do anything for her.

She gets quiet sometimes, got to pull her out when she tries to hide, but she always knows I’ll come for her, can’t go on without her.

She’s got a strength that builds me up, and a softness that lets me in, a smile that gives goose bumps on my skin.

My knees still get weak when I see her, just like the first time, every time I still need her.

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Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I've said all there is to say. As if the best path to the future runs through yesterday. Sometimes I feel like these feelings no longer speak to me. I build up tidal waves but it no longer makes sense to me. What good is emotion without feeling? It's like love without a heart, going halfway there and crawling back to the start. Sometimes I feel like my ink has run dry. I know what lies inside, but words can't escape my mind. Sometimes my life feels reversed. All that was bad really was the good, and the good wasn't real because it felt better than it should. Sometimes I feel like I've loved the best I can. I have given away all my heart and soul, nothing left but to borrow some before I get too old. I feel like I've already gone to the mountaintop, from here all I can do is go down. Sometimes I feel like I've taken all I can. I'm a fragile flower stripped bare by the wind, now nothing looks the same as when I did begin. But someone always picks up a seed and plants me all over again. Sometimes happens all the time when you find you've spent all your time wasting time. Sometimes I feel that at anytime this could all fall into place, or crash and burn and take a lifetime to erase. Sometimes I don't recognize my own face, sometimes I look too familiar and need to shake up my snow globe and see what shape it forms. Sometimes I feel the sun is too hot, but it's only because I've passed through all the storms.

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White Stretch 21

Swirling liquids, mixing signs, white stretch job, king of the prom. Knock me over, underneath that dress, kiss on the shoulder, tongue the bottleneck. Can I be the hero? Champion for just one night? Can I break the mold? Gripping the porcelain tight? Dance floor princess can I ride your pony tonight? Pop the cherry, pop the cork, bloodshot surprise, turn the page, add a number, raindrops sound like thunder. Space between dreams is a merry-go-round. Find the door, stuck on the floor, wishes echoing off the ground. Stop my thoughts, turn off my mind, beat the war dance, oil and water lost inside. Master's fallen, keys don't fit the lock, long night's calling, tick tock, tick tock. Spin the tires, bones like jelly, tip me over, spill me all over myself, fill me up some more. Can I have a hand for swimming back to shore? Got my newfound awakening, now nothing's as it seems, got my bottle cap crown, the king is dead long live the dream.

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In My Footsteps Podcast Episode 180: Weirdest 900 Numbers of the 80s & 90s, How Crash Test Dummies Became Celebrities, Top 5 Banned Drinks(1-29-2025)

 

What were some of the most bizarre 900 numbers of the 1980s and 1990s? How in the world did crash test dummies become celebrities? What are some infamous banned drinks?
Episode 180 answers those questions with a heavy prescription of nostalgia.
It begins with the story behind the crash test dummies. No, not the 1990s alternative band. We look at how a safety measuring tool became a beloved part of 1980s pop culture. You will learn a lot from these dummies.
We go way back in the day and dive into some of the weirdest 900 numbers of the 1980s and 1990s. In a time where it seemed like every celebrity, musician, and cartoon character had their own hotline these are the ones that really make you shake your head and laugh.
This week's Top 5 showcases banned drinks. These were at one point popular but have since been removed from shelves or so drastically altered that they don't resemble what people knew.
There is a brand new This Week In History and Time Capsule centered around the tragic Space Shuttle Challenger disaster.
For more great content become a subscriber on Patreon!

Helpful Links from this Episode

• Purchase My New Book Cape Cod Beyond the Beach!
• In My Footsteps: A Cape Cod Travel Guide(2nd Edition)
• Hooked By Kiwi - Etsy.com
• DJ Williams Music
• KeeKee's Cape Cod Kitchen
• Christopher Setterlund.com
• Cape Cod Living - Zazzle Store
• Subscribe on YouTube!
• Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog
• UPDATE: Bonnie Bickwit and Mitchel Weiser Case - Rolling Stone.com
• Webcam Weekly Wrapup Podcast

Listen to Episode 179 here

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #53: Liquid Crack, Secret Statues, Stupid Tattoos, etc.

1. I was saddened to learn that an old favorite energy drink was discontinued a year or so ago. RedLine drinks by VPX were super hardcore. Their little energy shots were the only energy supplement ever that affected me in such a way that I swore to never take them again. I had an old friend who would refer to RedLine as ‘liquid crack.’ I have been a Guinea pig for energy supplements for years. Now RedLine will join a list of products I enjoyed that have been discontinued because they are unsafe. I mean I guess that’s a good reason. I’ll miss you RedLine. Say hi in drink heaven to Ephedra Tea, Speed Stack, the original formula of Jack3d, and others.

RIP Redline

2. I am still in the learning phase of the camera on my new phone. This week I took a drive up to the Cape Cod Canal for some photos. I had a cool idea to attach my phone to my selfie stick which also has a tripod base. The idea was to get it all set so I could record myself driving out to this spot called Mashnee Island. It’s a beautiful scenic island with some homes on it. Anyway, I spent at least 10 minutes in a parking lot trying to get the setup to work to no avail. I gave up and didn’t even make the drive out to Mashnee. I went to the nearby Market Basket instead.

3. Icy mornings are no fun. They do make you appreciate spring and summer though. We had a storm this week where it was rain at first on Cape Cod and then transitioned to snow overnight. This meant that when it was time for me to leave for work I had to chisel caked ice off of my car windows and doors. After about 5 minutes of chiseling, I got tired and frustrated and decided it was time to leave regardless. Eventually, my windshield was cleared of ice by my heater and wipers. However, the first few minutes of my drive consisted of my head being cocked to one side so I could see out of a clear spot. Cold hands, neck pain, whatever.

4. I am not sure what is worse, or more disgusting. A person who chooses to not wipe their equipment off at the gym? Or a person who uses one paper towel to ‘clean’ every piece of equipment they use? I ask because there is a really gross guy at the gym who gets one paper towel and then reuses it dozens of times. No, he doesn’t spray cleaner on it repeatedly, nah, just one spray. I am sure it’s still sanitary. Then again this guy looks like 10 lbs of crap in a 5 lb set of beige overalls so I don’t know what I was expecting.

5. As a content creator I have to do a lot of promoting of my work. Nobody else will do it for me. One of the most annoying yet hilarious parts of my promotion comes from a few podcasting groups on Facebook. I share photos and links to my shows on a few such groups. I can count on the same thing happening nearly every time. I put up a post and within seconds there are comments or messages from these jackass people begging for me to pay them to promote my podcast. I now have to turn off notifications for comments on my posts. When these morons message me I immediately ban them on my Facebook podcast page. I am not sure how much the promoting on these podcast pages helps but I have to do all I can to put my name out there. Even if that means disabling notifications and banning people every time.

6. I saw a guy in the grocery store from afar. I thought he had a neat intricate beard on his face. When I got closer? Nope. It was a tattoo. This guy had cursive words inked onto his jaw. I think it might be hard for me to find a stupider idea for a tattoo besides someone who chooses to tattoo their entire head. Yes, I have seen that too with some psychopath at the gym. I’m definitely not anti-tattoo. I am anti stupid tattoos though.

7. It’s always fun when you throw your laundry in and about 5 minutes later realize that you forgot something in the pocket of a coat. Yeah, fun. It was the USB cord for my new phone. The best (worst) part was the washing machine being locked since I stopped it mid-cycle. I had to spend a few minutes figuring out how to unlock it. Then it was another few minutes rifling through sopping wet clothes to find the cord. Good times.

8. It took less than a week for my small dry-erase board to be rendered useless. It weighs nothing and came with 4 big squares of double-sided tape. In theory, it should easily stick to a wall or door. Sadly this was not the case. I had the board stuck snugly on a closet door. The first night I was awakened by the sound of the board falling off and hitting the floor. I thought maybe I hadn’t attached the board securely enough. I pushed on that tape until I was close to cracking the dry-erase board. A few days later I was sitting at the table when I saw it once again fall off the door. For now, I have given up on having this dry-erase board hanging anywhere. It is sitting face up on a table now as useless as can be. Money well spent.

9. I went with my buddy Steve on a fun afternoon photo trip to a few Outer Cape towns. I had a secret spot to show him, plus there was another spot I wanted to check out. These were both close to the beach in Wellfleet. The first spot, an interesting statue on the side of a summer house’s yard, was a success. We nabbed a few photos and got off the property. The second spot was a fail. I wanted to see the famed Oysterman House where Henry David Thoreau stayed on one of his trips along Cape Cod’s outer beach. It is on a secluded dirt road in the middle of nowhere. I was all for walking down the driveway, grabbing a photo, and running away. Unfortunately and ironically the only other house within sight was located next door. I only got about 10 steps down the driveway before I heard a car door shut and saw a person. I ducked back out to the road and we left that spot behind.

10. A bonus of the long walk back to the beach parking lot from the failed attempt at the Oysterman House was finding a fun toy left behind. We assumed it was a dog toy but it was a funny-looking stuffed duck. I was tempted to take it with me and do some sort of skits with it like when I owned a camcorder in high school. Steve wasn’t keen on a dirty dog toy hanging out in his truck so I had to settle for a quick photo.

Proof of the duck's existence.

11. A neat full-circle moment came when we went to shoot the sunset on top of Bearberry Hill in Truro. The last time I visited that spot was the last day I had a drink. The next day I gave up alcohol and have never looked back. That was nearly 4 ½ years ago. It was nice to be standing there in the same place but in a far different place all at once.

12. We ended the photo trip at the iconic Days Cottages in Truro. It’s basically impossible to take a bad photo there. The only problem was the weather got colder and very windy along the water. I was running around getting as many photos and videos as I could. I had to get a photo of colorful clothespins on a line. Unfortunately, the wind wouldn’t let it happen unless I held the line. This led to some frosty fingers but that’s a part of the dedication to the craft.

Cold hands don't care.

The Vegas Journals: October 25, 2000

Thoughts from the present day will be in red as I try to decode and explain some of my experiences. Parts are also redacted as I try not to name too many people.

Written during a Quarter-Life Crisis, reviewed during a Mid-Life Crisis

Part of the reason that I have decided to share this is because of my niece Emma who is currently at the age I was when I lived this chapter of my life. She is writing her own blog that can get deeply personal. I wanted to share some of my own experiences so that she sees that she’s not alone in what she’s going through.

Intro:

This is a journal written to hopefully chronicle my rise from nobody to somebody here is Las Vegas. Maybe in time I will reveal what lies in my heart but for now it will remain on these pages.

If you love you will be loved.

If you give you will receive.

Smiles will be reflected.

Laughter will be echoed.

If you let them in they just might stay.

October 25, 2000

“When you close your eyes do you like what you see, inside your mind?”

Once In A While by Dishwalla(1998)

(A running feature of this journal was starting off each date with a lyric to a song that seemed to fit my mood at the time.)

    My birthday is coming up. #23. But I feel no reason to celebrate. Really, what have I done since I got here? Joined a gym that is more expensive than the last (Q The Sports Club), gone back to school but since I’m not a state resident that’s expensive too (Community College of Southern Nevada), and taken a job for about ½ of what I made at the Marshside (the restaurant where I worked on Cape Cod) and less than ½ the hours (Target).

    If good things happen to good people does that mean I’m not a good person? I feel like I left one rut and have landed in another. What do I do now? I want to make it here but it seems like things get worse every day. Maybe I’m just starting slowly. I keep saying in a few weeks things will settle down, but I’m losing faith fast.

    I hate my job. They give me no hours. They won’t pay me because I don’t have a social security card. I didn’t even go today because I feel it’s pointless. I miss everyone so bad, but I get confused. It’s like part of me would like nothing better than to go back home ASAP, but then I remember why I left and I get torn up.

    Some days I feel like this is all a dream and I’m gonna wake up back on the Cape. I can only imagine what would happen if I went back home as a failure. Nobody would believe in me ever again and I wouldn’t blame them.

    Before I left I said to myself I’d give myself until the summer to do something, to better my situation, before I even considered leaving. But my god I never thought after 6 weeks I’d be out of money, working 15 hours, and just about as sad as I’ve ever been in my life.

    This week sucks because Dad is now finally bettering himself and I just have no drive. Did I come out here just to reassure myself that I’ll never be anything more than I was on the Cape?

    It’s weird writing this in a journal. This is stuff I would tell Kate (my sister) or Barry (my best friend) but I have nobody really. Sure I can call or write but it’s like why burden them with my problems when I only hear from them once a week or so?

    I feel like I’m worthless and invisible. Maybe I’m just conditioned this way? Uncle Eric is looking for a job for me with one of his clients. He really wants me to make it. I’ll take whatever he can find. I just want to have enough money to get my own life started, I’m not greedy. He, Emma (my aunt), and Patrick (my cousin) it looks like are going to visit the Cape in the summer. I might go too. I might be there already.

(My family I just mentioned had been living in Las Vegas for years and their lives were well established. This made visiting with them difficult as they were busy.)

    I want to do all I can to succeed, but I don’t want to stay so long that I wish I’d never come. Bear with me this first entry will be weeks rolled into one day.

    I guess I’ve put my quest for love on hold until I find peace inside. I gave that note to Erin before I left but she hasn’t even mentioned it. I really wish she cared. Of all the girls I’ve ‘had it’ for she’s the one that remained for more than a week. Hell, since Angela I’ve seriously thought about Erin, Sue, Ally, Colleen, Amy, and Kara. Jeez, and here I am still single after 2 years. Sad as it is I still haven’t fully recovered from being dumped. Part of me still believes she wants me back but is afraid to act. My ego? Maybe.

(As I stated at the top, I am redacting specific names, especially of girls I was interested in at the time. I don’t want to cause any problems all these years later.)

    I miss Barry. I wish he would stop wasting his time in that printing company. Look who’s talking. Seriously though, he can do anything. I want to help him get discovered. Maybe helping him will help me. My real goal is to join him in some kind of venture. We could really make it I think, but he has to get that desire again. So do I.

(Barry was/is a great singer/songwriter. I wanted to have a go at some sort of music venture. I could sing and write but had no musical talent. I think part of me wanted to live vicariously through him.)

    I just hope I make it. I’m tired of being nothing. I hate feeling like I’m just not good enough. But I can only take it one day at a time. So tomorrow we’ll see…

Summary In 2025: I had not had immediate success upon arriving in Las Vegas. The job I took paid far less with far fewer hours. At 22 going on 23 I had believed that I could just show up and succeed without really trying. Unfortunately, that was not the case. My age and inexperience led me to have little patience. This can be seen with me already wishing to go back to my situation on Cape Cod that I had left behind. Being young, impatient, and inexperienced will influence a lot of my thoughts in the coming weeks and months of my life in Las Vegas.

The remaining entries from The Vegas Journals will be found on the free tier of my page at Patreon.com.