2000: My Life In Poetry Form(Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We are returning to 2000, a new century. I was deep in the Quarter-Life Crisis, turning 22 years old, and moving from Cape Cod to Las Vegas, looking for a new life.

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Almost Free

Feeling like a stranger, feeling like an outcast in my own home. The scenery, once so beautiful, now turns dark, gray, and cold. Looks like a place I know, but I sense that I don’t belong. Inside myself these visions collect, slowly I digest them and painfully it all makes sense. Nothing is the same though I haven’t changed. Seems everyone is moving on, everything is moving away and I don’t know how to make it come back. Thought they’d ask if I were scared, nothing was the sound, guess they’ve forgotten I’m here. Stopped for a moment in a room I once believed to be my own, the life I know is sealed and packed away, suppose they think I’m gone. Did I sell my soul by choosing this path, is this purgatory, have I committed an unforgivable sin? Setting free the expectations, letting go of my frustrations, opens doors to the dreams I have to live by. The price I pay for peeling myself off these walls is my not-so-subtle isolation, a banishment to rinse me from their minds. Do I not exist, is another readying to step into my world here? In between said and done lies a lucid time bomb, ticking, ready to scatter these pieces of life I’ve collected in every direction. I can see the end growing large, a shadow so dark it swallows what it overtakes. Slowly, things I’ve known fall, some fight, some jump in, I’ve no alternative but to seek shelter deep in my own skin. A stranger to everyone but myself, when a connection inside is clear there’s no need for codependency. This I see, that which once was real, I can erase from my slate, and fill it again new and far from here. Just sand running through the hourglass, so my chapter ends, there’s more to life than just one sad story, many more will be written, and soon enough my hourglass will turn over again.

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Desert Sky

You’re going fast, cause you’ve got somewhere to go. It won’t last, all you hold in your hand soon will pass. You’re catching up, but the scenery pulls further away. You’ve been stoned, but you’re only high in your imagination. Looking dumb, looking up to see what’s falling down on you. The waves of blinking lights hypnotize you into thinking everything’s all right. But in the day the lights fade and you’re feeling like a funeral parade. It’s sinking in, overheating from the cold air. The bluest eyes and clasping hands speak to whoever’s there. The desert sky doesn’t blink or wave it only hides the night. The desert sky gives you faith in your unborn wings and hope that you can fly. The desert sky will trade your gold for magic beans but there’s no rain for them to grow. The desert sky, oh my the desert sky will never cry.

You come back down when it’s convenient for you. The words are so false but you try to pain them true. Aiming so high but you’re digging for love with a plastic spoon. Riding the wind but time’s got you down on your knees. On the road but it feels like it’s on you, under your own feet and floating over your head. Sing notes with passing clouds, wondering how it got so loud. Cover your ears cause you fear what it’s saying. Washed clean by a rainbow’s tears, the uphill climb to regaining those years. The desert sky is what you’ve been missing. That cool breeze you’re kissing on that stretch of road you’re wishing. The desert sky won’t ever leave once you know its name. The desert sky breathes fire like a devil could it be they’re one and the same? The desert sky, oh my the desert sky will never cry.

If you couldn’t open your eyes what would you see? If you lived alone would you really be free? If you broke the chains would you still be a prisoner? If you had a million dollars, would you really be rich? If you had fame and fortune, would you truly be happy? If you lived forever, would you be forever young? Sometimes we think we need it all to survive when we need just enough. Just enough to survive under the desert sky.

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Rebirth of An Enigmatic Soul

I feel free, I feel alive, standing tall with arms outstretched and electricity flowing from my fingertips. I move like a cloud over the asphalt ground. The warm air smells fresh, I believe there’s a change coming on, now I can embrace its beautiful touch. A perfect balance of heaven and earth washes together, giving glimmers of hope to the saddest souls. It shows how high we can be lifted, the gift of witnessing how the world should always be. Life is now, love’s eternal light shining, this dream is real.

Only now is all peaceful and calm. The wind brushes by like an enigmatic soul, in a whisper tumbling over the shadowed green hills. It catches flight on wings of butterflies and carries them off across the newborn forest floor. Sun-ripened beauty fills each once lonely branch. I feel the hands caress my face and I’m flying. A rebirth of youth has occurred, I feel strong, I feel alive. Floating like a feather fallen from an angel’s wing, the centerpiece of an unreal scene. A painting only possible in the deepest undisturbed cleansing dreams.

Am I asleep? If so let me stay this way. If I’m awake can it always be like this? The peace outside builds inside my mind. The surreal clichés only used before in fiction, come to life around me and in my eyes. At least right now, if only momentarily, all my wildest dreams and fantasies are fulfilled.

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Sour Annie

Oh my dear Annie, you walk with a swagger, a cross between heaven and sin.

And when you speak, your tongue pierces me, a silver sword to my heart.

I can’t catch my breath, you’re above all the rest.

But you play with me like a ball of string. Unravel me for your pleasure, knot me up to keep me from slipping out of your hands.

Why are you so cruel, why is your heart cold?

Who makes your eyes shine, what makes you sing, where is the antidote for the sorrow you bring?

Well Annie, I’ve done all I can, now I’ve got to walk.

Sorry, sour Annie, girl, I was just trying to reach you...

Don’t put the blame on me, you’ve done all this before.

Don’t put the blame on me, I wanted to reach you but you pulled away.

I wanted once to look in your eyes and see straight into your mind.

I don’t think anyone can see that far in the darkness.

What’s that you say, wanting my help as the steel meshes in with your skin.

What’s that you want, a hand to hold, to bite off my fingers.

Sorry Annie, don’t wanna be you.

Sour Annie, wanna be in you.

Come on Annie, come on and punch a hole in the sky.

Tired of reaching, now gotta push you away.

Girl, I just wanted to reach you...

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2000: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We go back to 2000, a new century. I was deep in the Quarter-Life Crisis, turning 22 years old, and moving from Cape Cod to Las Vegas looking for a new life.

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Finding the Diamond Inside

Everyone can be a star, the distance from the first step isn’t that far.

Everyone can be a winner, one day the pieces will fit, and the puzzle will become one.

Everyone can be a hero, a golden heart is a prerequisite to win the affection of the world.

Everyone can be loved, it’s not hard to open the door when it stands before your eyes.

The shooting star can be you, the light may be quick, but everyone will be shined on. We all have something we’ve got to give, inside us all is a special gift the world is waiting to see. I want to make you smile. I want to help you understand. See through my eyes, feel where I’ve been. I don’t need to be a source of light for millions, connecting with one means I’ve done all I need. I want to share life with the world.

Someday, sometime everyone can be seen, and see everything clearly. It may pass, it may stay. But it will last if you don’t fade. I’ve grown light inside now, years of lifting the weight. Space left empty is filled with ideas and promises to myself. I believe I can show you the way, I promise I’ll damn sure try. See it, this time I mean everything I say. This time I want all I could have.

The ray of light that set me free I will bring to you. To get what you deserve stand up and take it. Ride into the eye of the storm and pull out that diamond in the rough. We all have the diamond inside, someone, somewhere will see it and help it shine through. The time is now, open your arms, I’ll open the door. It’s now or never, please don’t be afraid, take my hand and come inside. Hello world, I’m glad to finally meet you here. Goodbye darkness inside and out, in the light is where I’m gonna stay.

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Hello, Goodbye

Say goodbye to all you know, say goodbye to the ones you counted on.

Say goodbye to that fancy car, you may be walking but you’re walking tall.

Say goodbye to where you stood back then, but don’t fear you’ll see the top of the mountain again.

This sudden trade of boyhood for manhood, this rush of emptiness, it all will change, you suffer for appreciation, soon you’ll see. It’s all right to be scared, don’t embrace the loneliness, you must start over but always remember where you will end up.

You and me, we’ll find each other from opposite sides, we’ll meet in the center of all these moving tides.

There’s music in the air, notes, like clouds they drift, you just need to listen. If you ever feel lost, if ever gravity weighs you down, just call my name. I will part the seas that flood your world and lead you up that hill you face.

Say goodbye to those who told you no,

say goodbye to the ones who dressed you in sadness.

Say goodbye to less is more, your hands can hold more than you’ve been grabbing for.

A simple wish can be the hardest to grant, the music can overwhelm you, invade at every rift, don’t fear that breeze when it climbs under your skin, that’s where the hello’s begin.

Say hello to all you once feared, say hello to that distant island mountaintop.

Say hello to blue oceans in the sand, an oasis all your own,

a spot to know where you stand.

Say hello to life the way it’s supposed to be,

and if you have a moment please say hello to me.

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One Last Kiss

We sat in silence, the night air fell calm around us. Something had changed, the colors rearranged, into the negative of the dream I had lived. I had always promised her gold but all she wanted was me. In some strange twist she had more after she was gone. Before, I had only half listened to her before, like a fool running scared from the truth. But here and now it all came through, breaking my fragile dam built in the dark. Her words broke me down. Tired of pain and heartache she needed me to set her free. Had to hide my 20/20 vision and pretend I could not see. The love was dead, but she needed a keepsake, to stoke the dying flames of bliss. She wanted one last kiss. To remind her how it used to be and would never be again. One last kiss, like a dark shadow that signals the end. She needed to show me once she loved me so. One last kiss to help her say goodbye.

My heart came to rest on the floor, the night air ran cold right through me. The damage had overwhelmed, made her run to another’s arms. What I couldn’t give was the one thing she really needed. The trust part of love, without it nothing was enough. The photos stayed happy even after the memories faded. Now before my eyes the soft lines turn jaded. Anything would be meaningless now, like the one image time won’t let you forget, the actions remained, all the times I let her down. Through the hurt and lies she pushed but I wouldn’t move. Now I’ve fallen down, like an old tree so empty and hollowed by life. The door shut tight I knew nothing was the same, just an instant of loneliness was punishment for all her suffered pain. She looked back and I left her standing there, to turn back would be weak, and she faded from sight. Part of me lies buried where freedom was gained and love was lost. I’m afraid to go back for it cause I don’t want to lose anymore. Still when all is quiet my ears echo that slamming door. She wanted one last kiss. To throw water on the flames and leave a pile of ashes. One last kiss like a storybook ending to a tragic play. She needed to show me it was time to go. One last kiss but I had to drive away.

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Take Me In From the Cold

Woman, I don’t want to be out in the cold anymore.

Can you open your door and let me lay down by the fire?

I will take you higher, but I can’t get off the ground until you share some of the warmth you keep inside. You can melt my troubled heart here tonight.

Oh girl, why won’t you listen to me?

So many things I hide, but I want you to see if you’d only take the time.

Place your hands there and feel the beat steady, working its way into yours.

Place your lips here and release me, pull me out of my cold dark prison.

Darling, darling can’t you hear me calling your name?

It’s in my eyes, and on my mind, to hold you now and not just when I dream.

Come dance with me, candlelighted shadows disguise what goes on underneath.

Let’s take the night together, ride the waves forever.

And when morning checks in, I’ll see your face and it begins.

I’ve been set free, taken in, and not out in the cold anymore.

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2000: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 2000, a new century. I was deep in the Quarter-Life Crisis, turning 22 years old, and moving from Cape Cod to Las Vegas looking for a new life.

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Christmas In My Heart

I’ve strung out the lights as I’ve done in years past. Green, red, and white, when they shine the memories come rushing back fast. I smell the evergreen perfume, it fills these lonely rooms. I’ve stolen a piece of winter to keep with me where it never snows. Outside the sights of a joyous time remind me why I’m so sad. I’ll be thinking of you more each day. You’ll be in my mind, when I wish and when I pray. I’ll keep on missing you until the next time we meet. And I’ll keep myself smiling with visions of you I’ve etched inside. I’ll keep moving on, walking closer to what I don’t know. I guess I should be celebrating, I only feel right when I dream. I’ll still open the gifts and talk like you can hear me. Sit close to the fire and feel warmth like you’re near me. Watch the sunrise from the comfort of my bed and smile, 

even if it’s only Christmas in my heart.

I don’t feel cold when I wake today. I don’t feel tired though I haven’t slept all night. I never grow bored watching snowflakes come to rest on the frozen ground. I forget about other colors when my eyes fill with red and green, it’s like the first time they’ve been seen. There’s joy in the air touching even those who do nothing else but breathe it in. Happiness is the gift everyone opens first, some need it, and for others, it’s always been there. If an entire life was just one day this is the one I would choose for mine. Even the most stubborn non-believer tastes a piece of the divine. Children and old men hand in hand, friends, and enemies, sharing the moment when it all began. If you believe in miracles this one is the greatest, a one-day love affair with each and everything living or dead. Maybe we would be closer to a perfect world if every day was Christmas in our hearts.

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Get Off The Sidewalk

Do you ever feel like a newborn child? Where all you see you’ve never seen before? In the middle of a wide-open space, you stand motionless, shivering inside, hoping to find a voice to call your own. Do you deny the apprehension you’ve developed? If you fear change and monotony why try living at all? Put it on auto-pilot and waste your life away. If you seek a voice, a hand, find the driver and hand yourself over. Having second thoughts? Well then get up off the sidewalk. Enough of the silence open your mouth and talk. Get off the sidewalk and show them, the doubters and thieves who pray on your soul. Get off the sidewalk, and stand up cause you’re the ruler of your own mind.

Do you see each day growing longer? When the night blinks and the torrid sunrays stare? So confused by the passing lights you hide your head and hope they come to you so you won’t have to move. When you reach the end of the day do you wish to skip ahead to see how this story goes? The more you hide the more you lose, the infinite row of doors now hit a wall, and the paths in number grow small. Are you changing your mind? Well then get up off the sidewalk. Find out what makes you happy, find what makes you feel alive. Get off the sidewalk and show them, don’t settle for what they want. Get up off the sidewalk, and stand up cause you have the chance to rewrite history before it happens.

Do you see the night that lasts forever? When the doors end and it’s out of your hands? When you wish you could go back and feel life all over you like the sweat that falls now? Do you wish you were a newborn child? With an old man’s knowledge and a map of where to go? If you treat each day as a new life your wishes can come true, just get up off the sidewalk.

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King Of The Rain

She smiled as she turned away, satisfied by the promise that I’d be back. The hardest part of goodbye is saying the words, once going back is no longer an option. She left me alone, left me empty, here again, I wear this crown, king of the rain, each drop on my head adds fuel to the pain.

This crown I wear is heavy, bows my head down, she’s gone back home up north, so I booked myself a flight out west. Hiding feelings is not as easy as before, when they know you, you can be found out. Not this time, nothing hurts more than the right thing to say, coming to mind after she’s gone away. The time on the road that we shared couldn’t shelter me from the sting of those words. For now, temporary or permanent, I shiver in the winter of your love. So cold have I grown, fires only die out when approaching my heart. The hope I hold will be forgotten, the dam bursts, and my crown overflows with tears. They fall and stain my skin, and scar my soul.

She smiled as she turned away. Maybe her smile faded when my words wouldn’t stop echoing but she did not turn back. The hardest part of goodbye is the unbreakable fall inside, wishing to hit bottom just to end it all. She left me here, left me a ghost, the ground cold and hard as my heart will soon become. 

Again I’m left with this crown, king of the rain that won’t stop falling.

Hiding shades of blue from my eyes is not as easy as before, when you’re left crippled inside hurt comes barreling forth whether you allow it or not. We may reignite that fire, in another place, certainly another time. Here and now your voice and face begin to dim and blur. Been through it before, gone is the desire to reach and keep them alive. Thoughts of a next hello stay tucked beneath blankets of truth, when the rain stops I will seek to join them in the dryness below. I held her one last time, she took my life when she let go, little by little though it will find its way back until I’m reborn.

She smiled as she turned away, maybe she wears her own crown now as well, I did not see her head bow. The hardest part of goodbyes are the memories of the moment that do not cease, reminders of the crown you wear that prevent you from healing. She left me alone, she left me here, she left me empty, she left me cold, she left me, shivering and drowning inside the pain, 

wearing my crown, the king of the rain.

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X

You know you had me for a minute there. Almost believed you were sincere. Fronted a golden heart, talked of a soul with nature. Well I peeled away the gold and saw the tin underneath, and opened the closet and revealed the fur coat. You think you’ve got me fooled, well I’m telling you, it’s spouting from your ears, so full of it please don’t open your mouth. So sad your life is, so sick your face makes me, so glad I’m gone and feel fine. You can’t win love with no magic spells, you should find a cure for the bloated posture. Candles only lighten the dark, and altars only join the truly happy, you have no right to hate me, I’m only what you created. Don’t wear the lamb skin shirt, the carnivore reaches out from underneath. Sadness at its most pitiful, truth at its most vile. I’m not mad, not full of hate, and I have no sympathy for your inverted state. 

I’m feeling high right now, how ‘bout you today?

I saw you shed your skin, sickened by what I saw, put it back on, please put it back. I can’t help the pity I feel, so clear you’re transparent, so sad you’re just a small creek, I can walk through you and not get wet. I don’t need your dirty money to buy my silence, I don’t want your grade school knowledge to help me save humanity, I don’t have to listen to your stupid bitching lies to clutter my mind. No more spelling with the skin-polluting ink, don’t want to hear the bullshit weak regressive opinion that is your loner by default. Please no more holes to let the excess escape, 

show me no more I’ve seen enough of your inbred state.

You showed the crazed obsession that makes up an image, and I’ve had enough of charity. There is no better case than your well-financed face, and I’m through donating. Enough carrying a big dead ass, enough wasting words that you can’t comprehend, and enough of the darkness you wear so well. Can you feel that emptiness, call it what you will. Can you hear that quiet in your mind, it’s gonna grow quieter still. You almost had me believing in you, now I flush away your false truths. You almost had me feeling sorry for growing tired of your act, I’m done wiping crocodile eyes. You almost had me, but I got away, you almost killed me but I’m still okay. You almost drowned me, but I’ve got better things to do, 

than sink on this ship with you.

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