2001: My Life In Poetry Form(Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2001. I was turning 23 years old. I had returned to Cape Cod to Las Vegas and was trying to process that chapter of my life.

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For so long I thought life was over. That the only thing I had left was getting older. Now I can see the light, breaking through where the clouds once held me. I can see the light shining down into the dark shadows where I lived my life. Have you ever forgotten to stop the pain? Like a leaking faucet where the drain is clogged, eventually it will spill over. Would you forget love if it hurt you so? Could you see light through the heartache? Now I can see the light and I believe it’s here to stay.

My love is solid, crack it, but it will not break. My love is forever, I can’t imagine being without it. It’s always been there, I just couldn’t see, it’s everywhere around me. In my everyday, everything I do, it’s the love that remains true. You’re my angel for what you’ve shown, my savior for bringing me closer to myself. I love you for who you are. 

I love you for what you’ve given me.

Have you ever looked in the mirror so tired of what you see? How can you give love if you can’t find it in you? Do you wish for a well where love flows and runs through your fingers? Where is it supposed to be, this everywhere love? It’s the love that I’ve found, that I can never lose. It’s the love I have that always there. My everywhere love is the love inside of me.

You may not have the most beautiful love, you may not have the strongest. But it can be all the beauty and strength you need if you believe in it. When your life is beautiful then you’ll find it’s love that made it so.

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Miles From Twilight

Remember when we were young? So fresh in our minds it seems so long ago now. We thought we knew it all, who we were, where we were going, why we were here. All that was new has grown older, all the bright lights lost some luster. Now our everything feels much smaller, and we don’t fit the shoes we used to wear. The questions outnumber the answers, the clear messages are cluttered with hang-ups and wrong numbers. I’d give anything to feel that way again, surrounded by the future, surrounded by friends. Sometimes I feel surrounded by mirrors and I don’t want to look up. Time heals wounds by taking the memory, losing who we knew and forgetting who we used to be. I’m just a fragment of a young imagination, that piece still searching the night for a lingering sensation. The passion for life once ran like wine, my throat is dry and the river is gone. Even as our soul’s children become adults we can’t give in, every drop of youth we keep is another day in our lives. No matter what they say, the numbers don’t mean a thing, deep within no words can take away. We aren’t in the sunset, miles from twilight, this yellow colored road is not golden just long and winding. It’s in our minds and only we know for sure, numbers will pile up even if we think we’ve had enough. But if we fight maybe we can win. If we push hard enough we can reverse this aging world’s spin.

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Right Now

Who can say when the world will end? Who knows which tomorrow could be the last? Who can say when this life will end? Do we still believe there is a door to forever waiting? Do we still believe in a better place? Right now I feel alive inside. No matter how dark it gets, the sun will rise again. Right now I feel I’m coming back together. No matter how hard, nothing will tear me apart again.

Who wants to tell a child there’s no tomorrow? Who will save us from what we’ve become? Who is the maker, the one who chooses when this life ends? Do we still believe? I believe it all comes down to belief. Any minute it could rain a plague, our water could fill with the blood of anger’s rage. So many buttons, so many fingers, so many questions, so few answers.

I feel there’s a weight, or is it a hand pushing down? I feel like I should struggle, but I’m frozen by sight and sound. Our dreams are falling from the sky, our identity now craters of loss. But right now we feel alive inside. Like a thousand wild horses running across the countryside. Right now I feel we’ve come together, but if we’re pulled hard enough, will they tear us apart?

Who can say what the future holds? No eyes can see that far. Whose faith runs so deep that it’s drowned their heart? I believe we shall overcome. Right now is when we need each other most. Right now the colors have faded away. No matter how large the chasms built up before, we can bridge them by extending our hands. The beauty of love shall overcome the hate.

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When I Misplace Myself

I don’t feel like I’m here today, guess my mind stayed sleeping today. If you fall in I’ll just swim away, I have an unconditional apathy today. I can’t touch what I usually feel, I don’t grasp truth and I can’t sense real, a day’s intellect washed off by an ignorant year, I have honest wandering eyes today. I don’t wanna talk about it, there’s nothing I can say, to stop this raging emptiness at least not for today. My heart’s still in the right place, but beats under a cloak of disillusion, my fingertips so numb and cold, these eyes see the unchanged face.

I don’t feel so smart today, stupidity filling a naive mind you could say. I can’t reach out, but I can feel in, and reach right through to the back of my skin. I can’t express the feelings I have now, sort of here, sort of there, and nowhere in between. I’m watching life pass through a glass bottle’s walls. Where is it going, is it leaving me behind? I can’t say if I’ve let go, I think I’m still holding on. I can’t say if I can give it up, I think I’ve lost control. You speak, I can’t make out the sound, beg and cry for all my wasted time. I tell you that I’m all right, I don’t think you swallow my lies. My heart’s still in the right place, a bit more out of reach today. My memories so numb and cold, your eyes don’t see the same face. Someday under paint brushed skies with sunstroke eyes a crack in the armor will set me free, just wait and see. I can’t feel an end, could you pick up where my thoughts left off? I haven’t time to feel sorry, the monotony these feelings bring, like a skipping record, I need someone to move my arm, dust me off. Don’t cry for my desolation, I’m still holding on, just need to stay strong and wait for the break in the armor.

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Florida Living: 20 Years Later

My 20s were spent searching. I was searching for love, searching for adventure, searching for my future. I was in my 20s from 1997 to 2007, during which time I moved seven times and switched jobs five times. When you’re younger, risks don’t seem as risky, for lack of a better term.

I had moved to Las Vegas in 2000 and returned to Cape Cod early in 2001. It was a significant shift in my life, one that I felt I needed to undertake. It didn’t work out. When I returned to Cape Cod, I found myself falling back into the same rut that had made me want to move away in the first place. Severe bouts of depression overwhelmed me. These were alleviated thanks to a fluke meeting with a girl who would change my life more than almost anyone ever. It also didn’t work out.

I moved to Florida in September 2005. This was a reaction to the ending of that relationship. The original plan was to move to New Orleans in the summer of 2005. I was so positive that the girl who owned my heart was the one that I went all in. I had apartments lined up to look at. I even had a potential job, it was at an art gallery. I forget the name, but I was so confident that I’d be living there soon that I began sending feelers out as far as meeting. I can’t remember what my job was supposed to be. Maybe a greeter of some sort?

Lake Ponchartrain, just outside of New Orleans, where I had hoped to move.

When my reason for moving to New Orleans was taken away, I was torn. My mind was still set on moving away from Cape Cod, much like I had done 5 years earlier when I moved to Vegas. I felt like I was again stagnating and needed a change. Being in my 20s, I was going for the biggest change possible. Switching jobs or changing hair color or clothing styles just wouldn’t cut it. I thought my destiny was going to be moving to New Orleans and further developing a serious relationship. With that off the table, my backup plan was Florida.

My initial plan was to stay with my cousin Tracey and her then-boyfriend in Delray Beach, which is just south of West Palm Beach on the east coast. I was lucky to have a support system where I could move to a far-off place and still feel safe. A more feasible option that came up was for me to move further south to Fort Lauderdale and move in with another cousin and her boyfriend. I don’t think I had any concrete plans besides driving down to Florida and sort of just letting the chips fall where they may. That was my first mistake.

It was like deja vu as I gave my notice at the same restaurant I had been working at when I left for Vegas. Returning to that job, although the people I worked with were great, was probably a big reason why I felt stagnant. I packed up my blue Saturn Ion. The back seat, trunk, and passenger seat were nearly spilling over with everything I owned. I left Cape Cod and headed 1,500 miles south down I-95 toward Florida right after Labor Day.

The same model of the car I drove to Florida and back.

The drive down I-95 was pretty standard most of the time. New York City was a pain-filled with traffic. I went through or got close to Philly, Baltimore, and Washington, D.C. There was no way I was going to make 1,500 miles in one shot, so I needed to stay overnight somewhere. I believe it was somewhere in southern Virginia. The main thing I remember about stopping for the night was the fact that my car was overflowing with all of my possessions. I brought in what I could, but most of my stuff had to stay in my car. I was so relieved when I woke up and found my car hadn’t been ransacked.

It was while stopping for gas in the middle of nowhere in Virginia that I had a nice heart-stopping moment. I went to pre-pay for the gas with my credit card at the pump. In those days, I think you could still pump and pay after, but since I was in a totally unfamiliar area, I wanted to keep my interactions with strangers to a minimum.

I didn’t end up getting to pay at the pump, though, as nature intervened. It turned out that there was a black widow spider that had built a web around the credit card slot. I guess not many people stop there for gas. Needless to say, I went inside and paid. They didn’t seem to care about the spider. I guess they were just used to things like that. I mean, the gas station did look like a place where horror movies took place after dark.

Not what you want to see at a gas pump.

A fun event happened when driving through North Carolina. I came up on road work and must not have been paying that close of attention. I ended up having to slam on my brakes. I owned and still own a soft green 8# medicine ball, which was packed for my drive south. When I slammed on the brakes, that ball came flying forward from the backseat. It hit my gear shift and forced my car into park. I almost got whiplash from that stupid ball. Luckily, I was almost stopped, so slamming the car into park didn’t do any damage.

In Georgia, I remember getting my Saturn up to 105mph. Those were small and light sedans, so getting up that fast was a risk. I don’t think I saw a cop for 1,000 miles, which got my bravery up and gave me a bit of a lead foot. I was hopeful of making it to Fort Lauderdale by the end of the day, but I guess I didn’t fully understand geography.

Only when I crossed into Florida did I realize how big the state was. I went through Jacksonville and can still remember Gwen Stefani’s song Luxurious playing on my iPod at that time. I can see the overpasses on the highway as if it were happening now. It’s funny how songs can bring back certain memories.

I stopped in St. Augustine to call my cousin Tracey to tell her I had crossed into Florida. She laughed and said it was still about 4 hours to her house in Delray. It was closer to 5 hours to Fort Lauderdale. It was probably mid to late afternoon by then, so I bit the bullet and ended up staying the night in St. Augustine. It was another night of worrying about my belongings. I covered the fully loaded backseat of my car with a blanket, like that would stop thieves. Looking back, I also kick myself for not stopping at St. Augustine Lighthouse. I am a huge lighthouse fan and have planned many road trips based around visiting certain ones. I actually had 2 chances to stop there and missed out. Now granted, there was no GPS then, and I only had a flip phone, so I likely would have gotten lost trying to find it. Still, it might have been the only chance I’ll ever get.

I arrived in Delray Beach first and spent some time with Tracey. I felt at home there, but also knew that I had said I’d be moving into the apartment in Fort Lauderdale. The fact that I didn’t go immediately to Lauderdale should have been another sign.

I had fun getting acclimated to Florida. I drove the A1A highway just like in Ice Ice Baby which, for some reason, I found thrilling. After a day or two, I eventually made it down to my destination. Fort Lauderdale was a beautiful city, but I didn’t feel as at home as I did in Delray. I chalked it up to needing to get used to my new surroundings.

One thing I wasn’t expecting was my morning wake-up call in Lauderdale. It consisted of a flock of wild parakeets that lived in a tree right outside my bedroom window. Once the sun came up, it was like being in a pet store with squawks nonstop. Yes, I was living in the apartment with my cousin and her boyfriend, but I felt as if I was totally on my own. After having a large support system on Cape Cod, it was shock to my system to feel so alone.

A Monk's Parakeet, my morning wake-up call.

My cousin Tracey’s boyfriend came down to Lauderdale one day, and he and I went with my other cousin to wander Las Olas Blvd and do a little day drinking. Las Olas is the main road that is filled with shops, bars, and restaurants. I couldn’t get over how hot and humid it was, but hey, it was southern Florida. It would be over 90 degrees and 90% humidity every day. It was almost like clockwork that you could predict that in mid-afternoon, it would quickly cloud up and there would be a round of heavy thunderstorms. Just as quickly, it would get sunny again. Then the humidity would become unbearable. It was like the worst of Cape Cod’s summer weather, but it was an everyday thing.

Florida was supposed to be a new chapter of my life, but I started off by treating it like an extended vacation. I remember having to call my old job asking for my last paycheck to be sent to me. Sure, I was looking for a job, but it was almost like I had no sense of urgency. It literally was like I just up and moved without any real plans of what to do.

Las Olas Boulevard in Fort Lauderdale

The one job story I have is that I applied to a company that specialized in newborn photos. So you’d go to a new parent’s house and take photos of the parents and the baby, and they would hopefully buy a package of the photos. You might need to do some high-pressure sales, though.

I forget the name of the company, but I remember driving to meet the guy at the office, not far from my apartment in Fort Lauderdale. The guy looked a lot like Larry Fine from the Three Stooges, if you need a reference. We drove to one potential job location in Miami. It’s ironic that I have a lot of issues with trusting people, and have had for most of my life. Yet I jumped into this stranger's car, in a strange place, and drove to an unknown location without a second thought.

I remember going through Alligator Alley in the Everglades and seeing gators on the side of the road and people jogging in the same vicinity, and being surprised that I didn’t see someone get killed. It was the only time I ever went to Miami. I just remember not feeling comfortable with the way the guy was trying to pressure a new mother into buying an expensive photo package. We stood in the living room of this young mother’s house while she was tending to her newborn. I was just watching. Larry Fine kept pushing until she finally agreed to one of the cheapest photo packages. I knew that it wasn’t going to be a fit for me. I am not a good salesman because I empathize too much with people when it comes to money issues. So that job never happened.

My potential boss.

I believe that my moving to Florida was snakebit from the beginning. It was, after all, a fallback plan from what I had really wanted to do, which was to move to New Orleans. I think that’s why I wasn’t heavy into the job search. More proof that it was snakebit came about a month into my time there when Hurricane Wilma struck. It was a Category 3, bigger than any storm I’d ever been through.

As the storm was getting closer, my cousin Tracey offered to let me drive up to Delray and stay with her. I wasn’t really happy in Fort Lauderdale anyway, so I jumped at the chance. Tracey was and is like an older sister, so I felt more secure being under the same roof as her.

I liked Delray Beach. Not far from where I was on Linton Blvd, there was a strip mall that had 4 fast-food places in the same parking lot. I would go and weave my way through all 4, getting things from KFC, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, and Arby’s. That’s not the only reason why I liked Delray; it was just a nice, unhealthy bonus.


I also got to try a new energy drink they were selling called Celsius. Today it’s everywhere but ironically, it was founded in Delray in 2005, so I was on the ground floor. This was back when Celsius was in glass bottles.

The big thing I loved about Tracey’s house was that it was on the Intracoastal Canal. Every house on her street and the neighboring streets had docks, and most had boats. She had a grapefruit tree and a pool that was shaped like a bean. It was also crazy to see all of the lizards that would be running around. Think about having squirrels in your yard, now replace them with lizards. They were harmless, all of them probably 6-8 inches long, but still a wild scene.

I would take my little iPod shuffle, grab a few beers, and go sit out at the dock for sunset and after, and just love life. It was weird, but the Boz Scaggs song Lowdown seemed to always play during my sunset drinking times. It was like my unofficial drinking song. Every time I hear that song to this day I can picture that dock and those purple and orange sunsets. 

I remember there being a party one night, and this was where I learned about the wacky effects of combining alcohol and caffeine. There were small kiddie pools with alcohol in one and Red Bull in the other. I enjoyed a good mix of both. Luckily, I didn’t make any poor decisions while under the influence. Again, I was not taking life in Florida very seriously.

My favorite seat

So, back to the hurricane. Wilma roared through. We taped up the sliding glass door, and almost immediately lost power. Everyone within 50 miles lost power. Luckily, Tracey’s house was not damaged, but there was significant damage to the neighbors' houses. The worst thing that happened to Tracey’s was all of the grapefruits being knocked out of her tree. It was a wild scene tossing more than a dozen of them into the ocean. It looked like one of those rubber duck races.

I remember having to pick up and move a pretty big tree with Tracey’s boyfriend. I swear there was a photo of me pressing another smaller log overhead. The worst damage I saw was an auto dealership that had been completely pancaked. It had been an all-glass showcase, and I think it was a luxury car brand. So it was possibly over a million dollars worth of cars crushed by this storm. The big thing was that we realized that there was no telling when power would be back on. Luckily, Tracey had a generator, but it needed gas.

There was a major gas shortage thanks to the storm. Every station within 50 miles was either empty or had really long lines with no guarantees that there would be gas when you got to a pump. I believe that we ended up driving nearly 100 miles north before we finally found a gas station that we could get into.

They were limiting people to no more than $20 max on gas. Tracey was smart and slipped the guy some money to let us fill up the car and the tanks for the generator. I’ll never forget watching the pump going so slow as if it was almost out of gas and seeing a line of cars behind us. We got our fill, and we got the hell out of there fast.

The drive back south consisted of copious amounts of fumes in the car from the gas cans, and me getting car sick and having to jump out in some rural area to puke behind what I think was an abandoned barn. I didn’t go inside to check. I do remember Tracey falling asleep in the backseat close to the gas cans, and her boyfriend wanting me to wake her up just to make sure she was alright.

We might have spent another day or two back at the house in Delray. Not wanting to just hang out and waste the generator’s power, we all ended up making the trip north to Orlando, where a friend of Tracey’s had power. They offered us a place to stay for a few days. That was another unique experience. We packed up what we needed and made the trip nearly 200 miles north to Orlando.

First off, Tracey’s friend liked being naked a lot. It was not ‘good naked’ like on Seinfeld. This friend was very nice, but no model, so I was not enjoying it. It was like a Monkey's Paw situation. I slept on the couch in the living room, and I’d have a moment where this woman would stroll in totally naked. It sounds like the start of some erotic movie, but sadly, it was not. I’d end up rolling over to face the couch.

On the other hand, where we were staying was within walking distance of Universal Studios, and it was the week of Halloween. There was a costume contest with the winner getting $5,000. I was all in on that. I got dressed up as a geisha girl. I had a blue dress, a white painted face, red lips, and some sort of hat. This was all stuff readily available where we were staying. I didn’t go to some Halloween store to buy a blue dress.

At Universal for Halloween, they had people dressed as zombies and crazies with chainsaws that would chase you. I was in line with my other cousin getting something to eat, and a chainsaw guy came up behind us and revved the engine. I’ll never forget that I turned around and said ‘what’s up?’ He let out a scream when he saw that it was a guy dressed as a geisha. I should have gotten the prize right there but sadly, I didn’t win. The couple we were staying with did win third prize dressed as convicts with striped uniforms.

After Orlando, after power was back on in Delray, and things were pretty back to normal, it really hit me that I wasn’t feeling life in Florida. I didn’t even bother going back down to Fort Lauderdale. All of my job interviews had gone up in smoke due to the hurricane. I was blowing through my savings just trying to get my bearings.

Plus, I was in a bad place mentally over my recent breakup. Only looking back in hindsight, do I realize just how badly I was doing mentally after that. I had moved to Florida to escape my emotions. It’s as if I felt as though this major change would throw me off so much that I’d forget about old what’s her name. That was not the case.

There were some great sunsets there.

Still, there I was, far from home. I didn’t want to fail and go back to Cape Cod, much like I had done when in Vegas. I also didn’t want to fail in Florida and be left with no way back. I felt like it was a choose-your-own-adventure book, and I wasn’t willing to take my finger off the previous page to fully cement my decision.

I celebrated my 28th birthday at a gentleman's club. It was a first and to this point only experience in such a place. Everything for me was comped, which made it a very fun and unique celebration. This included a private dance in the champagne room with a girl who looked so much like my recent ex that it really messed with my head. Don’t get me wrong, lap dances from a hot stripper were great, but it highlighted the fact that I felt lost inside. I needed to go back to Cape Cod.

Less than two weeks after my birthday, I had a sort of ‘tearing the Band-Aid off’ moment. I just said to Tracey that I felt like it wasn’t working for me there and that I was going home imminently. She said, rightfully so, that I hadn’t given it a full chance. My mind was made up, though.

I have been someone who has always had trouble asking for help from others. I’d almost rather suffer than feel like I owe someone. What I mean is that if I had remained in Florida, I’d have likely needed to borrow some money to make ends meet until I found a decent-paying job. I hated that idea. Ironically, what lay ahead of me was driving 1,500 miles back up the East Coast to Cape Cod, where I’d also have no money and no job.

I made a final drive to Fort Lauderdale to pack up the rest of what I had brought with me to Florida. Luckily, I hadn’t signed any sort of lease on the apartment where I had originally planned to stay. I basically was able to slide in and then get out with an Irish Goodbye. My cousin, who was living in that apartment, wasn’t happy that I was leaving, but I was long past the point of no return.

The trip back to Cape Cod was far more eventful than the trip down. I stopped overnight in North Carolina. The next morning, I packed up and headed for the highway. Before I had even made it to full speed on the entrance ramp, I was met with the flashing lights of a police car.

I was ticketed for speeding, which I probably was, but I was not even on the highway yet, so how fast was I really going? I was told that due to my rate of speed, I needed to be in the Johnston County court in Smithfield, North Carolina, the following Monday. I explained that I was in the midst of driving from Florida to Cape Cod and didn’t have the money to pay for a hotel room and any other amenities for a few days.

The cop didn’t care. What he did say was that if I couldn’t appear in court, I would have to hire an attorney to appear on my behalf. I ended up having to call a North Carolina lawyer to pay them to appear in court for me as soon as I returned to Cape Cod. It was Everett Law Firm, which got off on the right foot by misspelling my last name in their email.

The form I had to fill out and return, including what I had to pay the lawyer.

I succeeded in getting the ticket cost lowered somewhat, but it was offset by what I had to pay the lawyer. It was a ridiculous set of circumstances, but I used it as a life lesson. In fact, for more than a decade, I was subscribed to that particular law office’s newsletter. The funny part was that not long after I unsubscribed, I got a speeding ticket when driving in Maine.

My time in Florida lasted a little more than 2 months. Was it a failure? Overall, yes, but with a caveat. If the hurricane hadn’t hit, I think that I would have had a better chance for success. It went from being a new chapter of my life to a sort of reality game show where we traveled hours for gas, dressed up for costume contests, and celebrated in strip clubs.

Do I regret it? Not at all. Over the ensuing years, I learned a lot about myself thanks to that time in Florida. I learned about the differences between calculated risks and running from problems. Plus, it did end up being a sort of adventure movie that I was able to experience with little damage done. Well, except for that speeding ticket.

Interestingly, though, since I left Las Vegas, I have always had a desire to return there, maybe not to live but at least to visit. I have never had a desire to ever go back to Florida, which makes me wish my cousin Tracey lived somewhere else. I am not sure why I have the desire to return to one place but not the other. I have family in both, and both experiences ended with me failing and having to move back to Cape Cod.

Upon returning to Cape Cod, I felt like I was drifting again, but in familiar waters at least. I didn’t have time to be picky about a job since I was broke. I ended up working in the dairy section of a Stop & Shop for a few months. This was fine. It was low-key, not great pay, but simple.

In a serendipitous moment, my old boss at the restaurant I had left when going to Florida happened to pass through the dairy section. She said I should go back and work at the restaurant again, and so I did. This time, I was so appreciative of the opportunity that I stayed way longer than I should have out of loyalty and respect. I will admit though, I often wonder what my life would have looked like if I had politely declined to go back. That’s another in a long line of ‘what if’s’ in my life.

There was however, one major positive that came from my time in Florida. It is one that is still large in my life and includes what you are reading. While sitting on my laptop in my bedroom at the apartment in Fort Lauderdale, I happened upon a screenplay writing contest.

It was through a company called Withoutabox, no, I didn’t forget the spaces. They partnered with a lot of major film festivals at the time. I had almost exclusively written poetry up to that point, so crafting a screenplay was uncharted waters.

The Withoutabox website as it appeared in 2005

I wrote something for it, but didn’t win. I can’t remember if they contacted me to tell me, or if I just figured it out when I didn’t hear anything after a few months. Regardless, I was so happy with that screenplay that I decided to turn it into my first short story, which I ended up calling Eight Hours. Basically, that story was a kind of fictionalized version of the recent breakup that had prompted my move to Florida in the first place.

That short story started me down a different writing path. The poetry started fading away and was replaced by short stories, children’s books, and novels. I would end up uploading more than a dozen of my works onto the brand new Amazon Kindle store between 2007 and 2010. All of my writing, the ebooks, blogs, and eventually 9 going on 10 published books, stem from that contest in Florida. 

Everything I’ve done creatively since then, with videos, podcasts, and film, all go back to my time in Florida. So, for as disappointed as I was that I bailed on it pretty quickly, I feel like all of my major accomplishments professionally got their start during that brief time when I called Florida home. For that reason, I can never say that my time there was a failure.

2000: My Life In Poetry Form(Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We are returning to 2000, a new century. I was deep in the Quarter-Life Crisis, turning 22 years old, and moving from Cape Cod to Las Vegas, looking for a new life.

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Almost Free

Feeling like a stranger, feeling like an outcast in my own home. The scenery, once so beautiful, now turns dark, gray, and cold. Looks like a place I know, but I sense that I don’t belong. Inside myself these visions collect, slowly I digest them and painfully it all makes sense. Nothing is the same though I haven’t changed. Seems everyone is moving on, everything is moving away and I don’t know how to make it come back. Thought they’d ask if I were scared, nothing was the sound, guess they’ve forgotten I’m here. Stopped for a moment in a room I once believed to be my own, the life I know is sealed and packed away, suppose they think I’m gone. Did I sell my soul by choosing this path, is this purgatory, have I committed an unforgivable sin? Setting free the expectations, letting go of my frustrations, opens doors to the dreams I have to live by. The price I pay for peeling myself off these walls is my not-so-subtle isolation, a banishment to rinse me from their minds. Do I not exist, is another readying to step into my world here? In between said and done lies a lucid time bomb, ticking, ready to scatter these pieces of life I’ve collected in every direction. I can see the end growing large, a shadow so dark it swallows what it overtakes. Slowly, things I’ve known fall, some fight, some jump in, I’ve no alternative but to seek shelter deep in my own skin. A stranger to everyone but myself, when a connection inside is clear there’s no need for codependency. This I see, that which once was real, I can erase from my slate, and fill it again new and far from here. Just sand running through the hourglass, so my chapter ends, there’s more to life than just one sad story, many more will be written, and soon enough my hourglass will turn over again.

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Desert Sky

You’re going fast, cause you’ve got somewhere to go. It won’t last, all you hold in your hand soon will pass. You’re catching up, but the scenery pulls further away. You’ve been stoned, but you’re only high in your imagination. Looking dumb, looking up to see what’s falling down on you. The waves of blinking lights hypnotize you into thinking everything’s all right. But in the day the lights fade and you’re feeling like a funeral parade. It’s sinking in, overheating from the cold air. The bluest eyes and clasping hands speak to whoever’s there. The desert sky doesn’t blink or wave it only hides the night. The desert sky gives you faith in your unborn wings and hope that you can fly. The desert sky will trade your gold for magic beans but there’s no rain for them to grow. The desert sky, oh my the desert sky will never cry.

You come back down when it’s convenient for you. The words are so false but you try to pain them true. Aiming so high but you’re digging for love with a plastic spoon. Riding the wind but time’s got you down on your knees. On the road but it feels like it’s on you, under your own feet and floating over your head. Sing notes with passing clouds, wondering how it got so loud. Cover your ears cause you fear what it’s saying. Washed clean by a rainbow’s tears, the uphill climb to regaining those years. The desert sky is what you’ve been missing. That cool breeze you’re kissing on that stretch of road you’re wishing. The desert sky won’t ever leave once you know its name. The desert sky breathes fire like a devil could it be they’re one and the same? The desert sky, oh my the desert sky will never cry.

If you couldn’t open your eyes what would you see? If you lived alone would you really be free? If you broke the chains would you still be a prisoner? If you had a million dollars, would you really be rich? If you had fame and fortune, would you truly be happy? If you lived forever, would you be forever young? Sometimes we think we need it all to survive when we need just enough. Just enough to survive under the desert sky.

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Rebirth of An Enigmatic Soul

I feel free, I feel alive, standing tall with arms outstretched and electricity flowing from my fingertips. I move like a cloud over the asphalt ground. The warm air smells fresh, I believe there’s a change coming on, now I can embrace its beautiful touch. A perfect balance of heaven and earth washes together, giving glimmers of hope to the saddest souls. It shows how high we can be lifted, the gift of witnessing how the world should always be. Life is now, love’s eternal light shining, this dream is real.

Only now is all peaceful and calm. The wind brushes by like an enigmatic soul, in a whisper tumbling over the shadowed green hills. It catches flight on wings of butterflies and carries them off across the newborn forest floor. Sun-ripened beauty fills each once lonely branch. I feel the hands caress my face and I’m flying. A rebirth of youth has occurred, I feel strong, I feel alive. Floating like a feather fallen from an angel’s wing, the centerpiece of an unreal scene. A painting only possible in the deepest undisturbed cleansing dreams.

Am I asleep? If so let me stay this way. If I’m awake can it always be like this? The peace outside builds inside my mind. The surreal clichés only used before in fiction, come to life around me and in my eyes. At least right now, if only momentarily, all my wildest dreams and fantasies are fulfilled.

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Sour Annie

Oh my dear Annie, you walk with a swagger, a cross between heaven and sin.

And when you speak, your tongue pierces me, a silver sword to my heart.

I can’t catch my breath, you’re above all the rest.

But you play with me like a ball of string. Unravel me for your pleasure, knot me up to keep me from slipping out of your hands.

Why are you so cruel, why is your heart cold?

Who makes your eyes shine, what makes you sing, where is the antidote for the sorrow you bring?

Well Annie, I’ve done all I can, now I’ve got to walk.

Sorry, sour Annie, girl, I was just trying to reach you...

Don’t put the blame on me, you’ve done all this before.

Don’t put the blame on me, I wanted to reach you but you pulled away.

I wanted once to look in your eyes and see straight into your mind.

I don’t think anyone can see that far in the darkness.

What’s that you say, wanting my help as the steel meshes in with your skin.

What’s that you want, a hand to hold, to bite off my fingers.

Sorry Annie, don’t wanna be you.

Sour Annie, wanna be in you.

Come on Annie, come on and punch a hole in the sky.

Tired of reaching, now gotta push you away.

Girl, I just wanted to reach you...

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2001: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2001. I was turning 23 years old. I had returned to Cape Cod to Las Vegas trying to process that chapter of my life.

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Bullseye

Do you remember me? I’m that guy who used to be afraid, worrying about what you’d see. Do you remember my name? Rings a quiet bell, listen closely the ringing’s growing louder. Do you see me in a different light, or just another shade of the same? Are my eyes still as blue as the sky? If you reach down deep you may find that spot you once touched, it could still be waiting for you. See I’m the same outside, but inside, my heart, my soul, who I am has all been moved around. I wish I could say I was a hero back from conquering savage lands, but I’m just a man, who finally understands. I’m coming home. I’ll no longer be alone, cause now I’m coming home. Not the same old place, not the same old face. A different you and a different me, back here together, like how it’s supposed to be.

Has it been that long since I went away? I’ve lived decades inside a year, crossed oceans foaming with fear, but it’s just a passing night’s sleep back here. Isn’t it great to finally be free? Not tied down to love, pride, or guilty promises. A passing cloud or gentle breeze is what brings on my thoughts. We all need that release to let the heat escape, and pressure subside. If you’ve ever listened to a word I’ve said, listen to what I say now. Freedom is life, failure will not kill, and once in a while, we must empty out before we can refill. And I’m coming home. I’ll heal this wounded soul, 'cause now I’m coming home. Not the same old place, not the same old face. A different you and a different me, back here together, like how it’s supposed to be.

Do you remember? Do you remember the light? Do you remember the sky? Do you remember the sun in my eyes? Do you remember the sweet smell of love? Do you remember the rain after it falls? Do you remember what you have? Can you forget about what you don’t? Do you remember where we left off? Do you remember how it feels to be free?

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If I Had The Time

If I had the time I’d like to travel around the world. I’d plant a seed on every shore, and a kiss on every girl. I’d say I’ve done it all then go out and do some more, like discover the answers and reasons our ancestors looked for. If I had the time I’d like a home under the stars. Away from city streets and neon-soaked bars. Free of the smog and lights that never sleep, free from the rushing waves of people's shuffling feet. I’d step from the shadows and bathe in the sunlight. Ride the first breeze wherever it took me and rest my bones under an old oak tree.

When time has passed us by, will we be eternally blessed? I think of all I haven’t done and just hope I’ll have the time to. When life has ended, how many memories will we take? How many empty promises will tear us apart? Heaven can wait, there will be forever to remember. Today can’t wait, maybe tomorrow never comes. Make some memories while you still have the time.

If I had the time I’d throw a party that had no end. I’d live each day as the last, and treat each morning as the first. If I had the time I’d walk, not drive, to enjoy just being alive. I’d drink it in, all I’ve seen and where I’ve been, follow the sun to the foot of the sea, with waves of clouds in the sky and waves of water before me . The only sound a heart beat at rest, forgetting the concept of time.

If I had the time I could take it slow. If I had the time I could dream of years to come. I could relax as life moved like eroding sand to the ocean floor. Time is not on our side, it stays with us until we fall behind. Heaven can wait, when we get there time will be waiting. Today can’t wait, cause sometimes tomorrow is forever. Make some memories while you still have the time.

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She Came Along

Looking at the way things have gone, it’s amazing that I haven’t just shut down. What goes around comes around, it’s like dodging bullets as they fall to the ground. Facing up to the past, making promises I hope will last, it’s all too much, hitting so fast. When it feels like every day is the last note of a beautiful song. The time is right, but the place is wrong. When I’d given up and packed it in, she came along. If all I knew of her was her smile, a beautiful picture in my eyes would it still paint. If all I could do was wait a while, a thought of what I’d seen would be enough. Afraid of letting go, afraid of holding on. Do I let her in my heart, is she already there?

Looking back on things I’ve said and done, it’s amazing I’m not too frozen to move by now. What you give off is what you get back, it’s gluing myself together as I continue to crack. Now I can see that what you wish for you may receive, it’s giving hope to all of the dreamers. With every step, I get farther, with every breath I get closer. Planets and stars, the empty glass window the sky lies beyond, the only road I’ve ever needed, then she came along. All I knew of her was she made me smile, something countless others couldn’t find. All I knew of her was she made it easy, easy to do what I thought I’d never do again.

If she was ready, could she wear the crown?

Cut the strands of sadness holding me down.

If she was willing, would she swim the oceans with me? Float on our backs til all the land disappeared. If she was able to turn sand to glass blindfolded, what could she do if she opened her eyes?

If she was ready, would I be ready? To fill the emptiness. To light the darkness.

If she was willing, would I be willing? To unchain the locks. To free the me inside.

If she was able, would I be able? To give her what she needs. To accept her for who she is. Looking back, I’m only looking back as far as my eyes and mind will let me. But in time, I may find, that I never felt like I belonged, until the day she came along.

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Who’s Listening?

Hello, who’s listening? Hello, what did I say? Does it really matter?

All this hopeless chatter? It pains me so to feel this way.

Hello, who’s there? Hello, does anybody care? 

What about all this I’m feeling?

These thoughts I think I’m stealing. Can’t seem to make sense of it all.

When the sky has opened and the rain pours down, if I don’t listen does it still make a sound? Is it possible I’ve gone the wrong way?

When the dam has broken, and the river’s choking, 

if I shed no tears will I still be sad?

Is it possible that it’s the only way I’ve left to be?

Hello, I’m listening. Hello, what did you say? Does it really matter?

Whether it’s sooner or later, it pains me so to see you this way.

Hello, I’m here. Hello, does anybody care? About all of this you’re feeling?

The bad hands they’ve been dealing. 

All of what is meant to be makes no sense at all.

Save up all your pennies, in ten years buy a piece of heaven,

remember not to throw it away.

When the storm has broken, and the final word’s been spoken, if I don’t hear it will it ever really end? Is it possible someone is finally listening?

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2000: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We go back to 2000, a new century. I was deep in the Quarter-Life Crisis, turning 22 years old, and moving from Cape Cod to Las Vegas looking for a new life.

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Finding the Diamond Inside

Everyone can be a star, the distance from the first step isn’t that far.

Everyone can be a winner, one day the pieces will fit, and the puzzle will become one.

Everyone can be a hero, a golden heart is a prerequisite to win the affection of the world.

Everyone can be loved, it’s not hard to open the door when it stands before your eyes.

The shooting star can be you, the light may be quick, but everyone will be shined on. We all have something we’ve got to give, inside us all is a special gift the world is waiting to see. I want to make you smile. I want to help you understand. See through my eyes, feel where I’ve been. I don’t need to be a source of light for millions, connecting with one means I’ve done all I need. I want to share life with the world.

Someday, sometime everyone can be seen, and see everything clearly. It may pass, it may stay. But it will last if you don’t fade. I’ve grown light inside now, years of lifting the weight. Space left empty is filled with ideas and promises to myself. I believe I can show you the way, I promise I’ll damn sure try. See it, this time I mean everything I say. This time I want all I could have.

The ray of light that set me free I will bring to you. To get what you deserve stand up and take it. Ride into the eye of the storm and pull out that diamond in the rough. We all have the diamond inside, someone, somewhere will see it and help it shine through. The time is now, open your arms, I’ll open the door. It’s now or never, please don’t be afraid, take my hand and come inside. Hello world, I’m glad to finally meet you here. Goodbye darkness inside and out, in the light is where I’m gonna stay.

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Hello, Goodbye

Say goodbye to all you know, say goodbye to the ones you counted on.

Say goodbye to that fancy car, you may be walking but you’re walking tall.

Say goodbye to where you stood back then, but don’t fear you’ll see the top of the mountain again.

This sudden trade of boyhood for manhood, this rush of emptiness, it all will change, you suffer for appreciation, soon you’ll see. It’s all right to be scared, don’t embrace the loneliness, you must start over but always remember where you will end up.

You and me, we’ll find each other from opposite sides, we’ll meet in the center of all these moving tides.

There’s music in the air, notes, like clouds they drift, you just need to listen. If you ever feel lost, if ever gravity weighs you down, just call my name. I will part the seas that flood your world and lead you up that hill you face.

Say goodbye to those who told you no,

say goodbye to the ones who dressed you in sadness.

Say goodbye to less is more, your hands can hold more than you’ve been grabbing for.

A simple wish can be the hardest to grant, the music can overwhelm you, invade at every rift, don’t fear that breeze when it climbs under your skin, that’s where the hello’s begin.

Say hello to all you once feared, say hello to that distant island mountaintop.

Say hello to blue oceans in the sand, an oasis all your own,

a spot to know where you stand.

Say hello to life the way it’s supposed to be,

and if you have a moment please say hello to me.

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One Last Kiss

We sat in silence, the night air fell calm around us. Something had changed, the colors rearranged, into the negative of the dream I had lived. I had always promised her gold but all she wanted was me. In some strange twist she had more after she was gone. Before, I had only half listened to her before, like a fool running scared from the truth. But here and now it all came through, breaking my fragile dam built in the dark. Her words broke me down. Tired of pain and heartache she needed me to set her free. Had to hide my 20/20 vision and pretend I could not see. The love was dead, but she needed a keepsake, to stoke the dying flames of bliss. She wanted one last kiss. To remind her how it used to be and would never be again. One last kiss, like a dark shadow that signals the end. She needed to show me once she loved me so. One last kiss to help her say goodbye.

My heart came to rest on the floor, the night air ran cold right through me. The damage had overwhelmed, made her run to another’s arms. What I couldn’t give was the one thing she really needed. The trust part of love, without it nothing was enough. The photos stayed happy even after the memories faded. Now before my eyes the soft lines turn jaded. Anything would be meaningless now, like the one image time won’t let you forget, the actions remained, all the times I let her down. Through the hurt and lies she pushed but I wouldn’t move. Now I’ve fallen down, like an old tree so empty and hollowed by life. The door shut tight I knew nothing was the same, just an instant of loneliness was punishment for all her suffered pain. She looked back and I left her standing there, to turn back would be weak, and she faded from sight. Part of me lies buried where freedom was gained and love was lost. I’m afraid to go back for it cause I don’t want to lose anymore. Still when all is quiet my ears echo that slamming door. She wanted one last kiss. To throw water on the flames and leave a pile of ashes. One last kiss like a storybook ending to a tragic play. She needed to show me it was time to go. One last kiss but I had to drive away.

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Take Me In From the Cold

Woman, I don’t want to be out in the cold anymore.

Can you open your door and let me lay down by the fire?

I will take you higher, but I can’t get off the ground until you share some of the warmth you keep inside. You can melt my troubled heart here tonight.

Oh girl, why won’t you listen to me?

So many things I hide, but I want you to see if you’d only take the time.

Place your hands there and feel the beat steady, working its way into yours.

Place your lips here and release me, pull me out of my cold dark prison.

Darling, darling can’t you hear me calling your name?

It’s in my eyes, and on my mind, to hold you now and not just when I dream.

Come dance with me, candlelighted shadows disguise what goes on underneath.

Let’s take the night together, ride the waves forever.

And when morning checks in, I’ll see your face and it begins.

I’ve been set free, taken in, and not out in the cold anymore.

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The Vegas Journals: October 25, 2000

Thoughts from the present day will be in red as I try to decode and explain some of my experiences. Parts are also redacted as I try not to name too many people.

Written during a Quarter-Life Crisis, reviewed during a Mid-Life Crisis

Part of the reason that I have decided to share this is because of my niece Emma who is currently at the age I was when I lived this chapter of my life. She is writing her own blog that can get deeply personal. I wanted to share some of my own experiences so that she sees that she’s not alone in what she’s going through.

Intro:

This is a journal written to hopefully chronicle my rise from nobody to somebody here is Las Vegas. Maybe in time I will reveal what lies in my heart but for now it will remain on these pages.

If you love you will be loved.

If you give you will receive.

Smiles will be reflected.

Laughter will be echoed.

If you let them in they just might stay.

October 25, 2000

“When you close your eyes do you like what you see, inside your mind?”

Once In A While by Dishwalla(1998)

(A running feature of this journal was starting off each date with a lyric to a song that seemed to fit my mood at the time.)

    My birthday is coming up. #23. But I feel no reason to celebrate. Really, what have I done since I got here? Joined a gym that is more expensive than the last (Q The Sports Club), gone back to school but since I’m not a state resident that’s expensive too (Community College of Southern Nevada), and taken a job for about ½ of what I made at the Marshside (the restaurant where I worked on Cape Cod) and less than ½ the hours (Target).

    If good things happen to good people does that mean I’m not a good person? I feel like I left one rut and have landed in another. What do I do now? I want to make it here but it seems like things get worse every day. Maybe I’m just starting slowly. I keep saying in a few weeks things will settle down, but I’m losing faith fast.

    I hate my job. They give me no hours. They won’t pay me because I don’t have a social security card. I didn’t even go today because I feel it’s pointless. I miss everyone so bad, but I get confused. It’s like part of me would like nothing better than to go back home ASAP, but then I remember why I left and I get torn up.

    Some days I feel like this is all a dream and I’m gonna wake up back on the Cape. I can only imagine what would happen if I went back home as a failure. Nobody would believe in me ever again and I wouldn’t blame them.

    Before I left I said to myself I’d give myself until the summer to do something, to better my situation, before I even considered leaving. But my god I never thought after 6 weeks I’d be out of money, working 15 hours, and just about as sad as I’ve ever been in my life.

    This week sucks because Dad is now finally bettering himself and I just have no drive. Did I come out here just to reassure myself that I’ll never be anything more than I was on the Cape?

    It’s weird writing this in a journal. This is stuff I would tell Kate (my sister) or Barry (my best friend) but I have nobody really. Sure I can call or write but it’s like why burden them with my problems when I only hear from them once a week or so?

    I feel like I’m worthless and invisible. Maybe I’m just conditioned this way? Uncle Eric is looking for a job for me with one of his clients. He really wants me to make it. I’ll take whatever he can find. I just want to have enough money to get my own life started, I’m not greedy. He, Emma (my aunt), and Patrick (my cousin) it looks like are going to visit the Cape in the summer. I might go too. I might be there already.

(My family I just mentioned had been living in Las Vegas for years and their lives were well established. This made visiting with them difficult as they were busy.)

    I want to do all I can to succeed, but I don’t want to stay so long that I wish I’d never come. Bear with me this first entry will be weeks rolled into one day.

    I guess I’ve put my quest for love on hold until I find peace inside. I gave that note to Erin before I left but she hasn’t even mentioned it. I really wish she cared. Of all the girls I’ve ‘had it’ for she’s the one that remained for more than a week. Hell, since Angela I’ve seriously thought about Erin, Sue, Ally, Colleen, Amy, and Kara. Jeez, and here I am still single after 2 years. Sad as it is I still haven’t fully recovered from being dumped. Part of me still believes she wants me back but is afraid to act. My ego? Maybe.

(As I stated at the top, I am redacting specific names, especially of girls I was interested in at the time. I don’t want to cause any problems all these years later.)

    I miss Barry. I wish he would stop wasting his time in that printing company. Look who’s talking. Seriously though, he can do anything. I want to help him get discovered. Maybe helping him will help me. My real goal is to join him in some kind of venture. We could really make it I think, but he has to get that desire again. So do I.

(Barry was/is a great singer/songwriter. I wanted to have a go at some sort of music venture. I could sing and write but had no musical talent. I think part of me wanted to live vicariously through him.)

    I just hope I make it. I’m tired of being nothing. I hate feeling like I’m just not good enough. But I can only take it one day at a time. So tomorrow we’ll see…

Summary In 2025: I had not had immediate success upon arriving in Las Vegas. The job I took paid far less with far fewer hours. At 22 going on 23 I had believed that I could just show up and succeed without really trying. Unfortunately, that was not the case. My age and inexperience led me to have little patience. This can be seen with me already wishing to go back to my situation on Cape Cod that I had left behind. Being young, impatient, and inexperienced will influence a lot of my thoughts in the coming weeks and months of my life in Las Vegas.

The remaining entries from The Vegas Journals will be found on the free tier of my page at Patreon.com.