Alternate Life Timelines. #2 - Moving To New Orleans

This is the second in a series of articles looking back at moments from my nearly 50 years of life. These are moments where I zigged. But what if I had zagged instead?

In some ways, life becomes like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books. The decisions you make have ripple effects throughout your life. If you do this, then that happens. What about the decisions or events that could have happened but didn’t? That is going to be the purpose of this series of articles.

The first article saw me reflecting on my decision to not go away to college and, in fact, take a semester off before continuing my education at all. It had a huge effect on my future.

In this second article, I am looking at another moment that had a major rippling effect on my future. This one, when changed, could have resulted in this never being written at all.

These articles won’t be so much about rehashing regrets. They are more of an interesting look at how many times in life you are faced with the potential of a big change. What do you do when the opportunity arises? Let’s try a different path.

In the spring of 2004, I was a mess. The three years since I had returned to Cape Cod after living in Las Vegas had not been kind. Yes, I had graduated from college with a 2-year degree in communications. However, the stink of failure, in my mind at least, was hard to wash away.

I was meant to succeed in Vegas. I was supposed to have gone there, finished college, gotten a good job, and moved Cape Cod into the ‘completed’ chapter section of my life. That did not happen. It will also be a future ‘alternate timeline’ article, so you will get the full story then.

All you need to know for this piece is that I did not succeed in Las Vegas. I came home with my tail between my legs. I went back to cooking, then left for landscaping, then returned to cooking. My most taxing job was battling the overwhelming depression that hovered over me for years.

I was working as a cook in the spring of 2004 when one of the most important moments of my life occurred. I saw her. Through the rectangular-shaped window of the swinging door to the kitchen, I saw the most heart-stoppingly beautiful girl. My world was never the same.

The view from 2004

I officially met her a few days later. She almost immediately cured my depression with the confidence of someone scaring off a bear with a stick. I was in love.

We spent much of the summer together. I felt this unusual feeling of wanting to be my authentic self around her. I always had a tendency to keep at least a little bit of my guard up around people, but she was different. It was like every rom-com rolled into one and gently placed into my hand like a butterfly.


Now, of course, we all know that if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. My summer romance in 2004 was no different. It had nothing to do with her. It had to do with her situation. She didn’t live full-time on Cape Cod. She was a live-in nanny for a family, and they spent winters in New Orleans, Louisiana.

It was a hurdle for sure. At first, it was not insurmountable, though. She would leave with the family back to New Orleans in October, but then return to Cape Cod the following April. The confidence I had in our relationship told me to just relax; good things would be waiting on the other side of a harsh New England winter. Silly me.

In one of those ‘of course’ moments, the husband and wife she nannied for split up shortly after they returned to New Orleans. This meant there was no return trip to Cape Cod on the horizon, because why would there be? Sure, maybe she would have come up for a week to vacation, but our relationship had hit a crossroads.

I had never felt love like I did for her, before or since. I had given her a placeholder ring during one of her last weeks on Cape Cod. Along with it was a promise of a real ring and a potential real engagement when she returned the next year. I don’t think she believed me, but I was deadly serious. She had changed my life so deeply that my focus turned to building on that life with her.

There was a big problem in the way. New Orleans is more than 1,500 miles from Cape Cod. It is not exactly somewhere that you can drive to easily. What was I to do?

In reality, I kept in regular contact with her, typically daily. I slowly felt the distance winning. To try to combat this, I booked a flight to New Orleans in January 2005 and stayed for four days. She and I got to spend a lot of time together seeing the sights, meeting her family, and enjoying each other’s company. It all felt right again.

A collage of memories from that New Orleans trip

I had to act. During a drive around New Orleans, I came clean. I was seriously thinking of moving down there permanently. To my surprise, she seemed shocked by this news. I told her how I felt and how I wanted to at least give our relationship the full chance it deserved.

She didn’t outright reject my plan, but it wasn’t the overwhelming success I'd hoped for. The rest of my time visiting went well. I flew back home fully intending to follow through on my idea. I even began voicing it to my family and friends as if I were trying to make sure I was held accountable.

Weeks passed, and little was said of the potential move. I don’t know if she was hoping I’d forget about it or wanted to see if I was serious or just all talk. When her birthday drew near in April, I again broached the subject. She was not into it.

Unbeknownst to her, I had begun scoping out apartments and jobs in New Orleans in anticipation of relocation. I had begun contacting an art gallery that was looking for a host.

My family saw how serious I was and supported me. Everyone supported me, except for the person I was going to move for. She backed away. She felt things were going too far too fast. Looking back now, her being 23 and staring at a man she had known for a year, planning to move 1,500 miles to be with her, must have been a lot. It was a lot. I know that now, but in 2005, I was as crazy in love as Beyoncé and wanted to finish my story.


What happened in reality?

In reality, I dropped my plans. She and I took a break. I don’t know if you’d consider it the official breakup, but we went from being frequently in touch to being more intermittent. I was hurt and confused. I am sure she was as well. The best of intentions cannot overcome some things.

A few months passed. Then a major event threw us back together. On August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina decimated New Orleans and much of the Gulf Coast of the United States. All of my hurt over not getting the storybook romance I wanted went out the window. It was replaced with fear over her safety.

I reached out and got the update. She and her family were safe. They ended up being evacuated and relocated to Houston, Texas. To this day, she still lives in a suburb of Houston.

The relief over her safety morphed into wonder about my own timeline. As is the title of these articles, I was already thinking of what could have been had I gone through with my move to New Orleans.

So let’s take a look at it over 20 years later.

My original plan was to move to New Orleans, likely sometime in early June 2005. In this timeline, I follow through with getting the job working in an art gallery and also get one of the apartments I had been looking at. I would have driven my Saturn sedan the 1,500 miles from Cape Cod to New Orleans. Fine, so I am there.

The Saturn model I planned to drive to New Orleans

Perhaps the fact that I actually went through with it and uprooted my life in the name of being with the girl I loved would have changed her mind. The odds of that are probably 50-50. New Orleans is a big area, with the metropolitan area being home to nearly one million people. I believe that the apartments I was looking at were between 10 and 15 minutes from where she lived with her family. I’d be there, close, but not right on top of her.

In all honesty, I’d have been trying to court her from the time I got there. After all, she was why I moved. When we were together, we had a chemistry that was undeniable. That was when we were physically together. Apart it was different, like she needed to see me to remember she had feelings. How much would I encroach on her life to be seen?

Not to have rose colored glasses, but I do think we’d end up together, at least to start. Dating is one thing. Being in a serious committed relationship in close proximity is another. How much would she bend to fit me into her life? The bigger question is how much I would bend?

She was, and to this day is, extremely religious. In fact, she and her husband (spoiler) run a church together. Would I have moved things around in my life to accommodate a hefty dose of religion? I honestly don’t think so. Having date nights always consist of church would start to wear on me. I’m not anti-religion, but I am wary of those who make their religion the overwhelming defining characteristic of their lives. It’s the same way I feel about people who do that with politics.

So, we’d probably have had some sort of relationship. To what degree, I don’t know. Looking back on it, I feel like it would have been an uphill climb to get back what we had when she was on Cape Cod. I would have tried, though.


We then get to the bigger issue: Hurricane Katrina. I highly doubt that I would have given up on us by late August. I would have probably stuck it out through 2005 in the hopes of my birthday in November, or Christmas, tightening our bond. This means I’d have been living in New Orleans when the storm hit.

That statement in and of itself is chilling. Knowing how serious that hurricane was, the fact that I would have likely been in its path is crazy. The first question is, what happens to me? I’m grateful I don’t have to find out, but 1,833 people died in that storm.

Even if I were in a relationship, that wouldn’t have meant she and her family were obligated to take me with them. I’d like to think the offer would be made, but who knows? Would I have been fine in my apartment? Would I have been relocated to the Superdome? Would I have ended up in Houston? Or somewhere else?

My honest opinion? I’d have hoped to go with her family to Houston. If that wasn’t an option, I’d have gone back to Cape Cod if possible. To pick a path, I’d say I'd go to Houston, too. Here’s where it gets interesting as far as the future goes.

If I went to Houston, that would mean I was indebted to her family. I’d have been more likely to bend my life around theirs. I could see myself, out of respect, becoming way more involved in religion than I normally would. I’d have sacrificed my interests to stay close to her.

I can’t say if we end up together and I am then the husband she runs a church with. Maybe so. Or do I become resentful and end up leaving her and moving back to Cape Cod, or somewhere else? I was never great at openly discussing serious issues, so I’d have probably simmered until I boiled over.

At some point, we would have ended our relationship, and I would have probably come back to Cape Cod. In reality, once the plans to New Orleans blew up, I still had the itch to move and ended up doing so.

I moved to Florida in September 2005. It was very brief, lasting all of two months before I went home. Ironically, it was because Hurricane Wilma tore through and washed out all of my job interviews. Once out of money and patience, I went back to Cape Cod.

The reality, when I moved to Florida in 2005.

In reality and in an alternate timeline, I don’t think my relationship dream works out. It’s sad but an honest reality check. I end up back on Cape Cod before my 30th birthday, and we go from there.


One thing that I haven’t mentioned yet that I need to mull over. My writing career, beyond this blog or anything amateur, got its start due to my relationship ending. I processed my pain through writing. It led to my blogs, which led to my first book, and eventually ten published books. Everything I have done creatively since the end of 2005 is because of her and our relationship ending.

What if that relationship came to a natural end instead of feeling like the distance was the killer? Do I have the same sadness to overcome? Do I write a fictionalized version of our relationship that becomes my first ebook? I don’t know.

Maybe the extra time we have together opens my eyes to some other career path I end up enjoying. Maybe I could build a successful career running art galleries? That’s the intriguing thing about these articles: it’s all just informed speculation based on what I know of the situation at the time and of myself.

I do believe that everything worked out as it should. It’s funny how each of the first two alternate timelines ends with me believing that I ended up on the right path. Maybe it’s just my way of coping with unknowns and unfinished business.

In reality, once my girl moved with her family to Houston after Hurricane Katrina, we slowly lost touch until one day it was the last time. She was beginning to move on and mentioned meeting someone. That was a bridge too far. I didn’t want to be a pen pal hearing about her new flame.


My biggest regret of this entire story is letting go. Once we lost touch, and I lost her phone number, that was it. She was never on social media, and thus I had no way of reconnecting. If we had stayed in touch, maybe a day would come when she wanted to give it another try? I’ll never know.

As I said earlier, today she is married, has no kids, and runs a church with her husband. How do I know this if we lost touch? I am a master internet detective. I found a shared social media profile she has with her husband. There, I got my closure. I had no need to reach out. I saw her. I saw her life. I saw her happy. That was enough.

Do I wish we’d ended up together back in 2005? Yes. Nobody has made me feel what she made me feel. But she did make me feel it. That means there’s always a chance I could feel that way again about someone else. Or, if someday her profile isn’t shared anymore, all bets are off.

She and I were good together. She and I are good apart. She changed my life more than she will ever know. She continues to do so as all of my creative endeavors trace their origin back to her. So in a weird roundabout way, she is still in my life.



“There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
My pictures of you.”

Pictures of You – The Cure

See you in the next alternate timeline

Alternate Life Timelines. #1 - Going Away To College

Getting older means a lot of things. You see and do a lot. You meet people. You lose people. You experience the exciting, the mundane, the exhilarating, and the ordinary. Your body changes. Your mind changes. Where you live? What you do? It’s all a free-flowing sea of days washing over each other.

As I approach 50, I have a unique perspective on my life and life in general. The older you get, the more chances you have had to travel down different paths. These might not be physical paths. You might not even have traveled far from where you grew up. Time does lend itself to creating different chapters of your life.

In some ways, life becomes like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books. The decisions you make have ripple effects throughout your life. If you do this, then that happens. What about the decisions or events that could have happened but didn’t? Those are going to be the purpose of this series of articles.

I will be looking back at the nearly 50 years of my life and finding the seminal moments that either did, or could have, changed the course of my existence. I will expand on them using my best intuition as to what the probable outcome would have been.

You can easily do this as well and likely already do. Everyone thinks back to moments that could have changed their lives. If you didn’t meet someone. If that car in the other lane hadn’t swerved in time. If you had chosen to take that job. These articles won’t be so much about rehashing regrets. They are more of an interesting look at how many times in life you are faced with the potential of a big change. What do you do when the opportunity arises?



In order for something to have the greatest ripple effect through your life you need to choose moments from long in the past. The first one that pops into my mind is my choice to not go away to college. This has had an enormous amount of impact on my life.

It was 1996. I was a senior in high school and was, in all honesty, getting burned out on school. I had been an honors, sometimes high honors, student. I had taken my SATs when I was thirteen. I had been invited to genius camp by the prestigious Johns Hopkins University. I worked hard on my education throughout my formative years.

I still had time for friends, but I was also driven to be successful in school. This was likely tied to my own self-worth due to not getting much emotional support in my home life aside from my mother, who was doing the best she could to be both parents. Good grades proved I had value.

When senior year came, most of my friends were looking toward the future, specifically college. I had my eyes on some places. They were lofty expectations, like the University of North Carolina or the University of Nevada – Las Vegas. These were tied to athletics, something that I was not excelling in, and therefore my odds of going to schools like those were slim to none.

Closer schools, like the University of Massachusetts, should have been on my radar since I had family who had gone there. You cannot predict the future, and an event happened during the final few months of high school that threw a wrench into my plans; I got a girlfriend.

This changed my outlook. I hadn’t had a real, serious girlfriend before. My judgment became clouded. She was still going to be in high school after I graduated. I couldn’t leave her, right? I enjoyed the feeling of being in a relationship. Having someone who was so deeply into me was intoxicating. So intoxicating that I couldn’t see, or didn’t want to see, the obvious issue. There was a very, very small chance that we would be the high school sweethearts that lasted into old age. The reality was we weren’t going to make it.

When you’re a teenager, dealing with your first real relationship, you don’t have any experience by which to judge your choices. I chose to back off on my application to colleges. In fact, I decided to not apply at all. I chose to take a semester off from school after graduation.

My mother was supportive, but I am sure she could sense that I was starting to drift in a different direction. My life was no longer going to be filled with education. It was about my relationship. I did end up going to college after taking a semester off, and that plan still happened. However, I didn’t go out of state. I barely traveled from my home. I signed up for classes at Cape Cod Community College for the spring semester in 1997.

It is a great school and a boon to the Cape, but compared to how my future had looked a year earlier, it had to be seen as a step down. I took classes in graphic design, journalism, and creative writing, among others. These were all things I wanted to become good at for a creative career. Looking back, though, I was all over the map. I had no definitive path for my education. This is why my major was communications.

To no one’s surprise, my relationship did not last. After 2 ½ years, we broke up. I was devastated, even though I had brought the breakup on myself. That left me heartbroken and wandering through college with no real drive. Not to mention that I had been taking fewer classes per semester than was necessary.

I did that to have time to work and also spend time with my girlfriend. What it meant was that when my two years at community college were finished, I did not have enough credits to get a 2-year degree. I was deflated. It took all of my willpower just to keep going in college to get to that magical two-year mark. After that, I could take a breath and see where I wanted to go. Maybe it wasn’t too late to go to UMass or somewhere else.

None of that happened. I sank into a deep depression and gave up on college temporarily. To escape my sadness and overall frustration at where my life was, I ended up moving to Las Vegas in 2000.

We look at the chain of events from my choice to not go away to college. I lost my drive for education. I settled for a low-risk, low-reward cooking job to pay the bills. I lost a lot of friends because they went away to college. I became resentful of my girlfriend and blamed her for my poor choices in life. Eventually, this led to a breakup, bouts of depression, and ultimately moving across the country to try to find myself before it was too late.

It doesn’t stop with a move to Las Vegas. You can keep the timeline moving forward to anything in the last 25 years that didn’t work out the way I wanted. It truly is the first major regret, major mistake, I made in my adult life.



Now let’s go back. It’s 1996. I am a senior in high school. How would things have changed?

I was already on the fence about going off to college before I met my girlfriend, so we’d have to go back to the beginning of senior year. I have made up my mind that I am going to go to the University of Massachusetts at Dartmouth. It is close enough that I could visit Cape Cod any chance I could get. It was also far enough away that I’d feel like I was on my own.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t have dated the same girl. I believe that if my plans were in motion to go off to college, I would be less apt to break them and stay. In reality, I didn’t have to cancel anything; I just had to not fill out the applications.

Maybe I date my girlfriend. Maybe I don’t. When August 1996 came though, I’d be packing up and getting ready to head off to college. I likely would have found a dorm roommate from high school classmates who were also going to UMass Dartmouth. I know a few who did.

I would have experienced everything that college life had to offer. Living away from home. Parties. New people. It would have taken a bit of adjusting, but being placed in a large, unfamiliar situation would have done wonders for my confidence.

As far as a major went, I’d be looking for a creative field like I did at Cape Cod Community College. Probably not communications, likely something along the lines of creative writing. I wrote for the college newspaper in reality, so I’d probably do it at UMass as well.

The college experience would have better prepared me for social situations in general as I got later into my 20s and 30s. The older I get, the more difficult it becomes to step out of my comfort zone. Succeeding or failing at doing things while in college would have shown me that I would be all right in an unfamiliar environment. Going away to college would have forced me out of my normal routine. The longer I stayed on Cape Cod, the more ingrained the routine became. It’s like stepping into wet cement. You can get out of it, but you have to do so quickly, otherwise you are stuck once it dries.

After four years of college, the sky would have been the limit. I would have graduated in 2000. In reality, by the summer of 2000, I had gone through that terrible breakup, dealt with severe depression, given up on college (temporarily), and decided to move to Las Vegas. In the alternate timeline, none of that would happen.

I might have had breakups and dealt with depression, but I would have been able to look at what I was doing in college and hope that any suffering would pay off. I do believe I would have pulled through any adversity. In the alternate timeline, I might have been getting burned out on school, but I never took my foot off the gas. That is the biggest regret.

When you have momentum in anything, it’s easier to just keep going than it is to stop and try to start again later. In this timeline, I keep going. Even if I don’t become the absolute best I could be, I would not have the doubts and self-loathing that grew inside of me in my early 20s. It’s hard to shake the feeling that you’re a failure.



The view from 20,000 feet shows a massive change in my life and my identity as a person. No high school girlfriend means no messy breakup, which means I don’t feel a desperate need to find love anywhere. This had serious effects on my confidence. Going away to college means I don’t settle for the low-risk job that I ended up spending way too many years at. Comfort does not always equal happiness.

Graduating from college with whatever degree means I have a wide open playing field in which to ply my trade. Maybe I do end up in Las Vegas, but with a college degree. This would mean not grabbing the first low-paying job I could find just so I wouldn’t be broke while I went to college out there. Or maybe I end up somewhere totally different, with totally new people and experiences that take me further and further from Cape Cod.

Maybe I make connections elsewhere. Maybe I meet my soulmate in a town I don’t even know exists. Maybe I get married, have kids, own a house, all things I do not have in my reality. I am sure I would find time to visit home, but it would not be nearly the same as reality.

This brings me to the things I would have missed out on if my life had gone down this other path. First and foremost, I would have drifted away from my family. Not out of spite, but due to time, distance, and my own schedule. I would not have been there for the births of my two older nieces. I would not have had the close bond with them when they were growing up. That right there eliminates most of the regret I feel about not going off to college.

I would not have seen my Grampa as the role model and hero that he became. I grew to appreciate him more as I got into my later 20s and 30s. If I am not close by, I probably find my role models in celebrities or strangers. Who knows what that means for me as a person?

Then other things may or may not have still happened. Do I get a book published, or as it stands now, ten? Do I get deep into fitness and get into the best shape of my life in my mid 30s? Or do I end up overweight with various health issues that I don’t have to worry about in reality? It’s things like that which you take for granted.



So, to sum up this first alternate timeline, where do I think I’d be at this stage of my life if I had chosen to go away to college right after high school? Obviously, there’s a difference between what I’d want for a life and what I truly believe. For me, I think what I’d want and believe wouldn’t be that far apart.

At Age 48 in this alternate timeline, I could see myself living somewhere like Southern California. Not Los Angeles or San Diego, I don’t like cities. It would be a mid-sized town, probably slightly inland and somewhere halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles.

I don’t think I’d be an author, but I’d be working in some creative field. Despite being a writer, podcaster, etc. I have learned many ancillary skills like editing, research, and story development. I could see myself finding steady, good-paying work, maybe not in my dream job, but a suburb of my dream job.

I believe that I have good genes. I would still likely be in halfway decent shape physically and probably better shape emotionally. The experiences, both good and bad, of college would have better prepared me for being an adult.

I would be married. Is it my first? Who knows. I know not all marriages make it. I also would know if I found love once I could find it again, so I wouldn’t close myself off like I tend to do in reality. Kids? I believe I’d have two. I’d hope for a boy and a girl, Michael and Jocelyn, but two of the same would be just as good.

In reality, I have been chasing my dreams as an author and creator for so long. The idea of letting them go to pursue a ‘normal’ life hasn’t sounded appealing. Having gone to college for a specific major would give me the purpose I have been chasing. I’d find a job and meet new people. Maybe I meet ‘the one,’ and we get married and have kids.

Or maybe I hit a bump in life that throws me off course, and I end up living in a shack in the woods with a beard I have to stuff into my pants, so I don’t trip over it. This is all a guessing game.

In the end, it is a fun and somewhat enlightening exercise to look at where I think I would be in life if I had gone away to college in 1996. What I always come back to is that there has to be a reason why I am where I am and who I am at this point in my life. I might briefly wonder what might have been, but I can’t live there.

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” – Kurt Cobain


See you in the next alternate timeline.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #97: Air Supply, Cat Distribution System, Turkey Day, etc.

1. It costs $2.50 for 5 minutes of air at Cumberland Farms. On one hand, it’s outrageous that you have to pay for air, I mean, it’s everywhere. On the other hand, I shouldn’t be surprised that greedy corporations try to squeeze every cent out of their customers. I’m surprised more stores don’t have pay toilets. Anyway, I stopped to fill my tires up since it’s been cold, so the tire pressure naturally goes down. Since I paid with my debit card, I thought it would be nice, since I paid for 5 minutes of air, that if I don’t use all 5 minutes of air, I should get the remainder of the money reimbursed back onto my card. Or I should at least get a doggy bag to put the leftover air into.


2. Thanksgiving week, and it was mayhem in the supermarkets. I was given a list of some things to bring to my mom’s for our holiday meal. Luckily, I got most of it out of the way early. As the day got closer, it was madness. There weren’t any fights or anything, just loads of people wanting the same things. We have a Market Basket about a half hour from where I live, and I enjoy going there as often as I can because their prices are lower. Plus, I consider it like a field trip. That being said, I saw people’s posts on social media saying that our Market Basket was like Thunderdome due to Thanksgiving shopping, and to stay away. No worries, I’ll be sure to hit up Market Basket after Thanksgiving, you know, when people are hitting the gym out of guilt.


3. Update on last week. I said I had ordered a few things from Amazon, including a travel-sized deodorant, because I needed to spend ten cents more to get free shipping. Well, nothing beats expecting a tracking update and instead being told your package has been damaged and returned to sender. Yes, they will be sending everything out new, but I would like to know exactly what happened. I didn’t order anything fragile, so what did a truck back over my box? Did a driver have a bad day and boot it into the ocean? Did someone pack a glitter bomb to fool porch pirates, and it went off accidentally? I’ll never know, but I’m sure my imagined scenarios are better than reality.


4. I saw something this week that really spoke to me. It’s known as the GPS Theory of Life. When you’re driving, and you miss a turn or go the wrong way, your GPS recalculates. It doesn’t say ‘Oh well you missed your destination’ and make you go home. It still gets you where you want to go. The same should apply to one’s life. When you fail, or choose your own metaphorical wrong turn, life isn’t over. You recalculate and find a new way there. I love this idea and can use it in my own life. I have been lucky and blessed on my journey overall, but I am still not where I want to be. I have a vision of what ‘success’ in my life means. I feel as though I have done my fair share of recalculating over the years. The one thing I haven’t done, though, is turn back and go home. No, I am going to keep recalculating and get by all of the road construction, one-way streets, vehicle accidents, police cars, and closed businesses until I get to where I am meant to be. Jokes aside, I do love the positivity and perseverance of the GPS Theory and wanted to share it.


5. As 2025 draws closer to the end, it’s time for me to get ready to renew my personal training certification. I have to do continuing education just like many other fields, like teachers and other healthcare providers. There is a certain number of CECs I need to renew, which is standard. The only issue is that since I last renewed 2 years ago, my training school has made renewing ‘easier’ by actually making it harder. Instead of a list of courses with their CECs and cost right there, I am instead having to email the school to ask questions that probably make them wonder if I have been hit on the head too much. My biggest question has to do with one course that should fulfill my renewal qualifications, but suspiciously has a name similar to another certification I already have. I am also a medical fitness specialist. There is a pair of courses for a medical fitness programmer. Very similar, right? The main point of this is I don’t want to spend the money on a course only to find out it’s the same thing I already have. Doubles are fine when collecting baseball cards, but not when it’s a non-refundable fitness course.


6. I do believe in the power of positive affirmation and manifestation. You might not always get what you want, but believing you can and thinking positively can only help your mental health. For those who don’t believe in manifestation, I give you Exhibit A from this week. I enjoy watching funny cat videos because I love cats and am rocketing headlong toward 50. So I was watching a video, and I thought to myself, ‘When was the last time I got to pet a cat?’ It had been a really long time, like possibly a couple of years. I have seen a few, but shockingly, if you go running at a strange cat to pet them, they tend to run away. Well, fast forward to the next day, and I was out for a walk, and what did I see? A cute gray and white striped cat. I stopped and crouched down, and the cat came over, and I got to spend a few minutes petting this cat. Once that was done, we both went our separate ways. I was not a part of the mythical ‘cat distribution system,’ where cats seem to find you and then just become yours. Besides that, this cat had a collar, so I wasn’t going to catnap it, although I did get a photo and video. So yeah I can manifest a cat to pet but not the ability to work full-time as a content creator? Okay.

Cat Distribution System

7. I spent Thanksgiving Eve night researching scriptwriting software. This is to start preparing for a big 2026, which will include filming my first feature-length film. I have written ten published books, hundreds of blogs and articles, and more than a dozen ebooks. Also, in college, I took a course in broadcast writing. All of that experience is a good start, but writing a script is so different than anything else I’ve written. It’s like you have to put on paper everything that will make up the project. It’s not just the story. It’s the setting, the stage directions, the emotion of scenes and actors, in addition to the actual story. I believe that I will start the writing process next month when I have an extended break from my day job. Unless something changes, I’m looking at a program called WriterDuet for getting my script started. This is going to be likely the major event of my professional life in 2026, so there’s nothing wrong with getting the ship ready to set sail when the time is right.


8. Thanksgiving was filled with food, fun, and family. Last year, I ate so much so fast that I ended up basically needing to go home and lie on the floor for a few hours to try to digest. This year, I was smarter. I ate just as much but took my time. It allowed me to enjoy the day more while also enjoying just as much food. I did find it funny that I was being watched like a hawk by family as I began to eat. I felt like a mischievous child trying to get away with something. Turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, butternut squash, cranberry sauce, pies, cookies, it was all a part of a really fun Thanksgiving.


9. A fun side story on Thanksgiving was our deep dive into our Ancestry DNA results and traits. I had mine done several years back. Since then, my mother, 2 nieces, and a nephew have all done it. It’s fascinating to see how, despite us all being family, our specific DNA is different. Probably the funniest thing was when we began looking at our traits. My niece Kaleigh somehow had access to all 40+ of her traits despite not paying for a membership, while the rest of us only had access to 5 super generic traits. I have things like: Prone to taking naps, more adaptable, morning person, etc. The laughs came when my niece Emma and I found that our traits were exactly the same. That and the fact that she has inherited much of my wacky sense of humor made Thanksgiving a boatload of laughs. Next up, we wait for 2 of my sisters and a cousin to do their DNA tests so we can compare the regions where we’re from, but also laugh at the traits we have that don’t seem to be as accurate as we’d like.


10. It’s been so long since I’ve sat down with my big over-ear headphones on and listened to a full album of music I haven’t heard before. I did just that when I listened to Radiohead’s 2016 album A Moon Shaped Pool. Ever since OK Computer came out in 1997, Radiohead has been one of the bands whose music seems to unlock something in my brain. I find myself able to write more easily with their music playing. It was a fun experience spending nearly an hour working on one single poem. It definitely has a Radiohead vibe to it. If you like Radiohead’s music, you will enjoy this album. I now feel the need to find more albums I haven’t heard before from bands I like to see what sorts of ideas they kick up.

The album cover

11. Every few weeks, I take a field trip, a little over 20 miles west to the nearest Market Basket. Their prices are way lower than either Shaw’s or Stop & Shop. For example, a regular-sized bag of Doritos is $6.29 at Stop & Shop. At Market Basket, it’s $3.99. You can see why it’s worth the drive to go. I have wanted for years for Market Basket to find a way to get a store closer to me, but I think there’s something with Stop & Shop having too much control over who can open supermarkets on Cape Cod. I know this because a few years ago, I sent the corporate email of Market Basket a link to a piece of property in Dennis Port that used to be occupied by Benny’s. I said it wasn’t huge, but it would make for a nice mid-sized supermarket. There was no reply. Now that the property is available again since Big Lots came and failed there. I’m debating sending another email to Market Basket about it, but I don’t think it would make a difference.


12. I got to wear a new shirt that I bought at Old Navy a few weeks back. Just a t-shirt, nothing special. The funny part was that I put it on and forgot to take the tags off. Rather than removing the shirt, I grabbed a small pair of scissors to cut them off. One was easy to take down by the waist. The other was up at the collar. All I kept thinking as I slowly brought this sharp object toward my jugular was hopefully my phone doesn’t suddenly ring, or the smoke detector goes off. Then I’d be down with scissors jammed in my neck. There’d be no way to spin that into anything but another foolish injury right up there with throwing my back out bending to look at sliced meats at the supermarket. That happened earlier in the spring.


13. Cape Cod Cthulhu, the film that is my first acting role, is now available on Blu-Ray. Here is the link: Cape Cod Cthulhu. It was so much fun to shoot back in March. You can go back into the blog archives and find more details about the experience then. There’s a Black Friday sale, and that makes it an even better way to support indie filmmakers. It’s a campy horror film, and I play myself as a podcaster. Also, here is the trailer for the movie for those curious. There will be much more news on the film front of my career in 2026. It’s going to be a big year!

14. I was lucky enough to be asked to take the senior year photos for my nephew Landon. He’s the third of my six nieces and nephews that I’ve taken the photos for. He’s the first nephew, and being a guy, he wasn’t too particular about how or where the photos were taken. He just didn’t want to go to the beach, so instead we went to the woods. It was a fun time playing Grunge music on Pandora during the drive. We went to a local conservation area and took about 40 photos. Even if he’s not super particular about the photos, I at least wanted to do my best so that in future years he will have a lot of senior photos to look at. For my senior photos way back in the 1990s, I got a bunch taken by the school photographer, but I only have the one that I chose. 

15. The lowlight for me of Landon's photo trip though was putting in the address of my sister's new house to go pick up my nephew. The problem was that rather than putting the right town, I put the wrong one and obviously went to the wrong address. I sat in front of a stranger's house for several minutes before thinking I might be at the wrong place. I put the same street address in my GPS, and sure enough, there was the right place the next town over. At least it gave my sister another in a long line of foolish stories I've been a part of in my life.


16. The only thing that could match the joy I had of taking Landon’s senior photos was getting to see several family members I hadn’t seen in years later that same day. My Aunt Emma was on Cape Cod for one more night before leaving to go back home to Las Vegas. She had stopped over on the Cape after spending two months traveling Europe with friends and family. In the years since my Nana passed, and the years since my Uncle Eric passed, I don’t see family members on that side as much as I’d like. It’s nobody’s fault; time just passes quicker, it seems the older you get. We met at my cousins' Dale and Richard’s house and spent a few hours catching up. I made sure I fully appreciated what was going on, because at this point, I don’t take for granted the time I get with loved ones. I’m hoping to see Emma and my cousin Patrick again soon if I can ever find the time to get out to Las Vegas. If that doesn’t happen soon enough, at least I took full advantage of the time I had this week.

2001: My Life In Poetry Form(Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2001. I was turning 23 years old. I had returned to Cape Cod to Las Vegas and was trying to process that chapter of my life.

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Element

For so long I thought life was over. That the only thing I had left was getting older. Now I can see the light, breaking through where the clouds once held me. I can see the light shining down into the dark shadows where I lived my life. Have you ever forgotten to stop the pain? Like a leaking faucet where the drain is clogged, eventually it will spill over. Would you forget love if it hurt you so? Could you see light through the heartache? Now I can see the light and I believe it’s here to stay.

My love is solid, crack it, but it will not break. My love is forever, I can’t imagine being without it. It’s always been there, I just couldn’t see, it’s everywhere around me. In my everyday, everything I do, it’s the love that remains true. You’re my angel for what you’ve shown, my savior for bringing me closer to myself. I love you for who you are. 

I love you for what you’ve given me.

Have you ever looked in the mirror so tired of what you see? How can you give love if you can’t find it in you? Do you wish for a well where love flows and runs through your fingers? Where is it supposed to be, this everywhere love? It’s the love that I’ve found, that I can never lose. It’s the love I have that always there. My everywhere love is the love inside of me.

You may not have the most beautiful love, you may not have the strongest. But it can be all the beauty and strength you need if you believe in it. When your life is beautiful then you’ll find it’s love that made it so.

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Miles From Twilight

Remember when we were young? So fresh in our minds it seems so long ago now. We thought we knew it all, who we were, where we were going, why we were here. All that was new has grown older, all the bright lights lost some luster. Now our everything feels much smaller, and we don’t fit the shoes we used to wear. The questions outnumber the answers, the clear messages are cluttered with hang-ups and wrong numbers. I’d give anything to feel that way again, surrounded by the future, surrounded by friends. Sometimes I feel surrounded by mirrors and I don’t want to look up. Time heals wounds by taking the memory, losing who we knew and forgetting who we used to be. I’m just a fragment of a young imagination, that piece still searching the night for a lingering sensation. The passion for life once ran like wine, my throat is dry and the river is gone. Even as our soul’s children become adults we can’t give in, every drop of youth we keep is another day in our lives. No matter what they say, the numbers don’t mean a thing, deep within no words can take away. We aren’t in the sunset, miles from twilight, this yellow colored road is not golden just long and winding. It’s in our minds and only we know for sure, numbers will pile up even if we think we’ve had enough. But if we fight maybe we can win. If we push hard enough we can reverse this aging world’s spin.

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Right Now

Who can say when the world will end? Who knows which tomorrow could be the last? Who can say when this life will end? Do we still believe there is a door to forever waiting? Do we still believe in a better place? Right now I feel alive inside. No matter how dark it gets, the sun will rise again. Right now I feel I’m coming back together. No matter how hard, nothing will tear me apart again.

Who wants to tell a child there’s no tomorrow? Who will save us from what we’ve become? Who is the maker, the one who chooses when this life ends? Do we still believe? I believe it all comes down to belief. Any minute it could rain a plague, our water could fill with the blood of anger’s rage. So many buttons, so many fingers, so many questions, so few answers.

I feel there’s a weight, or is it a hand pushing down? I feel like I should struggle, but I’m frozen by sight and sound. Our dreams are falling from the sky, our identity now craters of loss. But right now we feel alive inside. Like a thousand wild horses running across the countryside. Right now I feel we’ve come together, but if we’re pulled hard enough, will they tear us apart?

Who can say what the future holds? No eyes can see that far. Whose faith runs so deep that it’s drowned their heart? I believe we shall overcome. Right now is when we need each other most. Right now the colors have faded away. No matter how large the chasms built up before, we can bridge them by extending our hands. The beauty of love shall overcome the hate.

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When I Misplace Myself

I don’t feel like I’m here today, guess my mind stayed sleeping today. If you fall in I’ll just swim away, I have an unconditional apathy today. I can’t touch what I usually feel, I don’t grasp truth and I can’t sense real, a day’s intellect washed off by an ignorant year, I have honest wandering eyes today. I don’t wanna talk about it, there’s nothing I can say, to stop this raging emptiness at least not for today. My heart’s still in the right place, but beats under a cloak of disillusion, my fingertips so numb and cold, these eyes see the unchanged face.

I don’t feel so smart today, stupidity filling a naive mind you could say. I can’t reach out, but I can feel in, and reach right through to the back of my skin. I can’t express the feelings I have now, sort of here, sort of there, and nowhere in between. I’m watching life pass through a glass bottle’s walls. Where is it going, is it leaving me behind? I can’t say if I’ve let go, I think I’m still holding on. I can’t say if I can give it up, I think I’ve lost control. You speak, I can’t make out the sound, beg and cry for all my wasted time. I tell you that I’m all right, I don’t think you swallow my lies. My heart’s still in the right place, a bit more out of reach today. My memories so numb and cold, your eyes don’t see the same face. Someday under paint brushed skies with sunstroke eyes a crack in the armor will set me free, just wait and see. I can’t feel an end, could you pick up where my thoughts left off? I haven’t time to feel sorry, the monotony these feelings bring, like a skipping record, I need someone to move my arm, dust me off. Don’t cry for my desolation, I’m still holding on, just need to stay strong and wait for the break in the armor.

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2000: My Life In Poetry Form(Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We are returning to 2000, a new century. I was deep in the Quarter-Life Crisis, turning 22 years old, and moving from Cape Cod to Las Vegas, looking for a new life.

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Almost Free

Feeling like a stranger, feeling like an outcast in my own home. The scenery, once so beautiful, now turns dark, gray, and cold. Looks like a place I know, but I sense that I don’t belong. Inside myself these visions collect, slowly I digest them and painfully it all makes sense. Nothing is the same though I haven’t changed. Seems everyone is moving on, everything is moving away and I don’t know how to make it come back. Thought they’d ask if I were scared, nothing was the sound, guess they’ve forgotten I’m here. Stopped for a moment in a room I once believed to be my own, the life I know is sealed and packed away, suppose they think I’m gone. Did I sell my soul by choosing this path, is this purgatory, have I committed an unforgivable sin? Setting free the expectations, letting go of my frustrations, opens doors to the dreams I have to live by. The price I pay for peeling myself off these walls is my not-so-subtle isolation, a banishment to rinse me from their minds. Do I not exist, is another readying to step into my world here? In between said and done lies a lucid time bomb, ticking, ready to scatter these pieces of life I’ve collected in every direction. I can see the end growing large, a shadow so dark it swallows what it overtakes. Slowly, things I’ve known fall, some fight, some jump in, I’ve no alternative but to seek shelter deep in my own skin. A stranger to everyone but myself, when a connection inside is clear there’s no need for codependency. This I see, that which once was real, I can erase from my slate, and fill it again new and far from here. Just sand running through the hourglass, so my chapter ends, there’s more to life than just one sad story, many more will be written, and soon enough my hourglass will turn over again.

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Desert Sky

You’re going fast, cause you’ve got somewhere to go. It won’t last, all you hold in your hand soon will pass. You’re catching up, but the scenery pulls further away. You’ve been stoned, but you’re only high in your imagination. Looking dumb, looking up to see what’s falling down on you. The waves of blinking lights hypnotize you into thinking everything’s all right. But in the day the lights fade and you’re feeling like a funeral parade. It’s sinking in, overheating from the cold air. The bluest eyes and clasping hands speak to whoever’s there. The desert sky doesn’t blink or wave it only hides the night. The desert sky gives you faith in your unborn wings and hope that you can fly. The desert sky will trade your gold for magic beans but there’s no rain for them to grow. The desert sky, oh my the desert sky will never cry.

You come back down when it’s convenient for you. The words are so false but you try to pain them true. Aiming so high but you’re digging for love with a plastic spoon. Riding the wind but time’s got you down on your knees. On the road but it feels like it’s on you, under your own feet and floating over your head. Sing notes with passing clouds, wondering how it got so loud. Cover your ears cause you fear what it’s saying. Washed clean by a rainbow’s tears, the uphill climb to regaining those years. The desert sky is what you’ve been missing. That cool breeze you’re kissing on that stretch of road you’re wishing. The desert sky won’t ever leave once you know its name. The desert sky breathes fire like a devil could it be they’re one and the same? The desert sky, oh my the desert sky will never cry.

If you couldn’t open your eyes what would you see? If you lived alone would you really be free? If you broke the chains would you still be a prisoner? If you had a million dollars, would you really be rich? If you had fame and fortune, would you truly be happy? If you lived forever, would you be forever young? Sometimes we think we need it all to survive when we need just enough. Just enough to survive under the desert sky.

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Rebirth of An Enigmatic Soul

I feel free, I feel alive, standing tall with arms outstretched and electricity flowing from my fingertips. I move like a cloud over the asphalt ground. The warm air smells fresh, I believe there’s a change coming on, now I can embrace its beautiful touch. A perfect balance of heaven and earth washes together, giving glimmers of hope to the saddest souls. It shows how high we can be lifted, the gift of witnessing how the world should always be. Life is now, love’s eternal light shining, this dream is real.

Only now is all peaceful and calm. The wind brushes by like an enigmatic soul, in a whisper tumbling over the shadowed green hills. It catches flight on wings of butterflies and carries them off across the newborn forest floor. Sun-ripened beauty fills each once lonely branch. I feel the hands caress my face and I’m flying. A rebirth of youth has occurred, I feel strong, I feel alive. Floating like a feather fallen from an angel’s wing, the centerpiece of an unreal scene. A painting only possible in the deepest undisturbed cleansing dreams.

Am I asleep? If so let me stay this way. If I’m awake can it always be like this? The peace outside builds inside my mind. The surreal clichés only used before in fiction, come to life around me and in my eyes. At least right now, if only momentarily, all my wildest dreams and fantasies are fulfilled.

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Sour Annie

Oh my dear Annie, you walk with a swagger, a cross between heaven and sin.

And when you speak, your tongue pierces me, a silver sword to my heart.

I can’t catch my breath, you’re above all the rest.

But you play with me like a ball of string. Unravel me for your pleasure, knot me up to keep me from slipping out of your hands.

Why are you so cruel, why is your heart cold?

Who makes your eyes shine, what makes you sing, where is the antidote for the sorrow you bring?

Well Annie, I’ve done all I can, now I’ve got to walk.

Sorry, sour Annie, girl, I was just trying to reach you...

Don’t put the blame on me, you’ve done all this before.

Don’t put the blame on me, I wanted to reach you but you pulled away.

I wanted once to look in your eyes and see straight into your mind.

I don’t think anyone can see that far in the darkness.

What’s that you say, wanting my help as the steel meshes in with your skin.

What’s that you want, a hand to hold, to bite off my fingers.

Sorry Annie, don’t wanna be you.

Sour Annie, wanna be in you.

Come on Annie, come on and punch a hole in the sky.

Tired of reaching, now gotta push you away.

Girl, I just wanted to reach you...

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2001: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2001. I was turning 23 years old. I had returned to Cape Cod to Las Vegas trying to process that chapter of my life.

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Bullseye

Do you remember me? I’m that guy who used to be afraid, worrying about what you’d see. Do you remember my name? Rings a quiet bell, listen closely the ringing’s growing louder. Do you see me in a different light, or just another shade of the same? Are my eyes still as blue as the sky? If you reach down deep you may find that spot you once touched, it could still be waiting for you. See I’m the same outside, but inside, my heart, my soul, who I am has all been moved around. I wish I could say I was a hero back from conquering savage lands, but I’m just a man, who finally understands. I’m coming home. I’ll no longer be alone, cause now I’m coming home. Not the same old place, not the same old face. A different you and a different me, back here together, like how it’s supposed to be.

Has it been that long since I went away? I’ve lived decades inside a year, crossed oceans foaming with fear, but it’s just a passing night’s sleep back here. Isn’t it great to finally be free? Not tied down to love, pride, or guilty promises. A passing cloud or gentle breeze is what brings on my thoughts. We all need that release to let the heat escape, and pressure subside. If you’ve ever listened to a word I’ve said, listen to what I say now. Freedom is life, failure will not kill, and once in a while, we must empty out before we can refill. And I’m coming home. I’ll heal this wounded soul, 'cause now I’m coming home. Not the same old place, not the same old face. A different you and a different me, back here together, like how it’s supposed to be.

Do you remember? Do you remember the light? Do you remember the sky? Do you remember the sun in my eyes? Do you remember the sweet smell of love? Do you remember the rain after it falls? Do you remember what you have? Can you forget about what you don’t? Do you remember where we left off? Do you remember how it feels to be free?

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If I Had The Time

If I had the time I’d like to travel around the world. I’d plant a seed on every shore, and a kiss on every girl. I’d say I’ve done it all then go out and do some more, like discover the answers and reasons our ancestors looked for. If I had the time I’d like a home under the stars. Away from city streets and neon-soaked bars. Free of the smog and lights that never sleep, free from the rushing waves of people's shuffling feet. I’d step from the shadows and bathe in the sunlight. Ride the first breeze wherever it took me and rest my bones under an old oak tree.

When time has passed us by, will we be eternally blessed? I think of all I haven’t done and just hope I’ll have the time to. When life has ended, how many memories will we take? How many empty promises will tear us apart? Heaven can wait, there will be forever to remember. Today can’t wait, maybe tomorrow never comes. Make some memories while you still have the time.

If I had the time I’d throw a party that had no end. I’d live each day as the last, and treat each morning as the first. If I had the time I’d walk, not drive, to enjoy just being alive. I’d drink it in, all I’ve seen and where I’ve been, follow the sun to the foot of the sea, with waves of clouds in the sky and waves of water before me . The only sound a heart beat at rest, forgetting the concept of time.

If I had the time I could take it slow. If I had the time I could dream of years to come. I could relax as life moved like eroding sand to the ocean floor. Time is not on our side, it stays with us until we fall behind. Heaven can wait, when we get there time will be waiting. Today can’t wait, cause sometimes tomorrow is forever. Make some memories while you still have the time.

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She Came Along

Looking at the way things have gone, it’s amazing that I haven’t just shut down. What goes around comes around, it’s like dodging bullets as they fall to the ground. Facing up to the past, making promises I hope will last, it’s all too much, hitting so fast. When it feels like every day is the last note of a beautiful song. The time is right, but the place is wrong. When I’d given up and packed it in, she came along. If all I knew of her was her smile, a beautiful picture in my eyes would it still paint. If all I could do was wait a while, a thought of what I’d seen would be enough. Afraid of letting go, afraid of holding on. Do I let her in my heart, is she already there?

Looking back on things I’ve said and done, it’s amazing I’m not too frozen to move by now. What you give off is what you get back, it’s gluing myself together as I continue to crack. Now I can see that what you wish for you may receive, it’s giving hope to all of the dreamers. With every step, I get farther, with every breath I get closer. Planets and stars, the empty glass window the sky lies beyond, the only road I’ve ever needed, then she came along. All I knew of her was she made me smile, something countless others couldn’t find. All I knew of her was she made it easy, easy to do what I thought I’d never do again.

If she was ready, could she wear the crown?

Cut the strands of sadness holding me down.

If she was willing, would she swim the oceans with me? Float on our backs til all the land disappeared. If she was able to turn sand to glass blindfolded, what could she do if she opened her eyes?

If she was ready, would I be ready? To fill the emptiness. To light the darkness.

If she was willing, would I be willing? To unchain the locks. To free the me inside.

If she was able, would I be able? To give her what she needs. To accept her for who she is. Looking back, I’m only looking back as far as my eyes and mind will let me. But in time, I may find, that I never felt like I belonged, until the day she came along.

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Who’s Listening?

Hello, who’s listening? Hello, what did I say? Does it really matter?

All this hopeless chatter? It pains me so to feel this way.

Hello, who’s there? Hello, does anybody care? 

What about all this I’m feeling?

These thoughts I think I’m stealing. Can’t seem to make sense of it all.

When the sky has opened and the rain pours down, if I don’t listen does it still make a sound? Is it possible I’ve gone the wrong way?

When the dam has broken, and the river’s choking, 

if I shed no tears will I still be sad?

Is it possible that it’s the only way I’ve left to be?

Hello, I’m listening. Hello, what did you say? Does it really matter?

Whether it’s sooner or later, it pains me so to see you this way.

Hello, I’m here. Hello, does anybody care? About all of this you’re feeling?

The bad hands they’ve been dealing. 

All of what is meant to be makes no sense at all.

Save up all your pennies, in ten years buy a piece of heaven,

remember not to throw it away.

When the storm has broken, and the final word’s been spoken, if I don’t hear it will it ever really end? Is it possible someone is finally listening?

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2000: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We go back to 2000, a new century. I was deep in the Quarter-Life Crisis, turning 22 years old, and moving from Cape Cod to Las Vegas looking for a new life.

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Finding the Diamond Inside

Everyone can be a star, the distance from the first step isn’t that far.

Everyone can be a winner, one day the pieces will fit, and the puzzle will become one.

Everyone can be a hero, a golden heart is a prerequisite to win the affection of the world.

Everyone can be loved, it’s not hard to open the door when it stands before your eyes.

The shooting star can be you, the light may be quick, but everyone will be shined on. We all have something we’ve got to give, inside us all is a special gift the world is waiting to see. I want to make you smile. I want to help you understand. See through my eyes, feel where I’ve been. I don’t need to be a source of light for millions, connecting with one means I’ve done all I need. I want to share life with the world.

Someday, sometime everyone can be seen, and see everything clearly. It may pass, it may stay. But it will last if you don’t fade. I’ve grown light inside now, years of lifting the weight. Space left empty is filled with ideas and promises to myself. I believe I can show you the way, I promise I’ll damn sure try. See it, this time I mean everything I say. This time I want all I could have.

The ray of light that set me free I will bring to you. To get what you deserve stand up and take it. Ride into the eye of the storm and pull out that diamond in the rough. We all have the diamond inside, someone, somewhere will see it and help it shine through. The time is now, open your arms, I’ll open the door. It’s now or never, please don’t be afraid, take my hand and come inside. Hello world, I’m glad to finally meet you here. Goodbye darkness inside and out, in the light is where I’m gonna stay.

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Hello, Goodbye

Say goodbye to all you know, say goodbye to the ones you counted on.

Say goodbye to that fancy car, you may be walking but you’re walking tall.

Say goodbye to where you stood back then, but don’t fear you’ll see the top of the mountain again.

This sudden trade of boyhood for manhood, this rush of emptiness, it all will change, you suffer for appreciation, soon you’ll see. It’s all right to be scared, don’t embrace the loneliness, you must start over but always remember where you will end up.

You and me, we’ll find each other from opposite sides, we’ll meet in the center of all these moving tides.

There’s music in the air, notes, like clouds they drift, you just need to listen. If you ever feel lost, if ever gravity weighs you down, just call my name. I will part the seas that flood your world and lead you up that hill you face.

Say goodbye to those who told you no,

say goodbye to the ones who dressed you in sadness.

Say goodbye to less is more, your hands can hold more than you’ve been grabbing for.

A simple wish can be the hardest to grant, the music can overwhelm you, invade at every rift, don’t fear that breeze when it climbs under your skin, that’s where the hello’s begin.

Say hello to all you once feared, say hello to that distant island mountaintop.

Say hello to blue oceans in the sand, an oasis all your own,

a spot to know where you stand.

Say hello to life the way it’s supposed to be,

and if you have a moment please say hello to me.

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One Last Kiss

We sat in silence, the night air fell calm around us. Something had changed, the colors rearranged, into the negative of the dream I had lived. I had always promised her gold but all she wanted was me. In some strange twist she had more after she was gone. Before, I had only half listened to her before, like a fool running scared from the truth. But here and now it all came through, breaking my fragile dam built in the dark. Her words broke me down. Tired of pain and heartache she needed me to set her free. Had to hide my 20/20 vision and pretend I could not see. The love was dead, but she needed a keepsake, to stoke the dying flames of bliss. She wanted one last kiss. To remind her how it used to be and would never be again. One last kiss, like a dark shadow that signals the end. She needed to show me once she loved me so. One last kiss to help her say goodbye.

My heart came to rest on the floor, the night air ran cold right through me. The damage had overwhelmed, made her run to another’s arms. What I couldn’t give was the one thing she really needed. The trust part of love, without it nothing was enough. The photos stayed happy even after the memories faded. Now before my eyes the soft lines turn jaded. Anything would be meaningless now, like the one image time won’t let you forget, the actions remained, all the times I let her down. Through the hurt and lies she pushed but I wouldn’t move. Now I’ve fallen down, like an old tree so empty and hollowed by life. The door shut tight I knew nothing was the same, just an instant of loneliness was punishment for all her suffered pain. She looked back and I left her standing there, to turn back would be weak, and she faded from sight. Part of me lies buried where freedom was gained and love was lost. I’m afraid to go back for it cause I don’t want to lose anymore. Still when all is quiet my ears echo that slamming door. She wanted one last kiss. To throw water on the flames and leave a pile of ashes. One last kiss like a storybook ending to a tragic play. She needed to show me it was time to go. One last kiss but I had to drive away.

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Take Me In From the Cold

Woman, I don’t want to be out in the cold anymore.

Can you open your door and let me lay down by the fire?

I will take you higher, but I can’t get off the ground until you share some of the warmth you keep inside. You can melt my troubled heart here tonight.

Oh girl, why won’t you listen to me?

So many things I hide, but I want you to see if you’d only take the time.

Place your hands there and feel the beat steady, working its way into yours.

Place your lips here and release me, pull me out of my cold dark prison.

Darling, darling can’t you hear me calling your name?

It’s in my eyes, and on my mind, to hold you now and not just when I dream.

Come dance with me, candlelighted shadows disguise what goes on underneath.

Let’s take the night together, ride the waves forever.

And when morning checks in, I’ll see your face and it begins.

I’ve been set free, taken in, and not out in the cold anymore.

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