Chris Unfiltered: Episode 3 - Parallel Calls, Heat Waves, and Life’s Curveballs

Television Show Episode: "Chris Unfiltered"

Title: Parallel Calls, Heat Waves, and Life’s Curveballs
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Logline: Chris navigates bizarre phone calls, jury duty frustrations, and nostalgic heat wave memories while pondering life's strange synchronicities and pop culture oddities.

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Act 1: The Call from the Future

Chris receives a call from a number identical to his, save for the area code. He humorously speculates, “Was it me from the future with tonight’s lottery numbers? No such luck.” His imagination runs wild as he playfully contemplates the possibilities before moving on with his day.

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Act 2: Independence Day Eerie Sync

On the Fourth of July, Chris and his friends watch Independence Day while listening to Pandora. The song “Hallelujah” plays just as the alien ships start obliterating cities. “It synced so perfectly, it was eerie,” Chris recounts to his friends, who agree it was both chilling and oddly beautiful.

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Act 3: Shake-Weight Shenanigans

At the gym, Chris notices someone using a Shake-Weight. With his usual wit, he comments to a friend, “It’s basically a vibrating dumbbell. Watching someone use it is… provocative. Check out the ads, you’ll see what I mean.” They both chuckle at the absurdity of the product.

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Act 4: Jury Duty Blues

Chris recounts his recent jury duty experience, complete with a cheesy instructional video reminiscent of Troy McClure’s from The Simpsons. “Got up earlier than for work, drove an hour in 95-degree heat, and got sent home by 10:30. I was steamed! I wanted a trial just to fry someone.” His friends laugh at his misfortune, sympathizing with the universal dread of jury duty.

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Act 5: Internet Gold and Sports Lament

Chris shares his latest YouTube find: Drinking Out of Cups. “It’s the most random, funniest three minutes you’ll see. Guy locked in a closet tripping on acid—hilarious!” He also discusses the “Please Stay, LeBron” song from Cleveland. “Sad, funny, and filled with local ‘celebrities.’ Smart move, Drew Carey, staying out of it.”

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Act 6: Celebrity Scandals and Personal Loss

Chris touches on Lindsay Lohan’s jail sentence. “Part of me says ‘good, maybe she’ll smarten up.’ Another part feels bad—our society loves to build people up just to tear them down.” He shifts to a more somber note, visiting his late Nana’s house. “It’s been six months, but it still hurts. Change often feels like loss.”

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Act 7: Local Characters and Aging Realizations

Chris recounts spotting a familiar local character possibly with Tourette’s wandering the main street, humorously comparing him to his gym’s chinless regular from Episode 1. Later, buying beer without being carded, he reflects, “Cool until I realized the grey in my beard isn’t helping me look young.”

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Act 8: Retro Impressions - The Heat Wave of 2002

In a new segment called “Retro Impressions,” Chris recalls a landscaping job during a heat wave in 2002. “Digging a 6-foot ditch in Sagamore, 100 degrees, no water—saw purple spots by the end. Got home for a cold shower, felt like Andre the Giant was bearhugging me. Heat exhaustion? Probably. Fun? Definitely not.”

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Tagline:
“Chris delivers unfiltered takes on life’s oddities, blending humor with heartfelt reflections.”

Check out Chris Unfiltered: Episode 2 

Chris Unfiltered: Episode 2 - Snowball Fights and Stale Vomit

Television Show Episode: "Chris Unfiltered"

Title: Snowball Fights and Stale Vomit
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Logline: Chris battles the chaos of a snowstorm, a hilariously slow day at work, and a series of misadventures that redefine the concept of a "bad day."

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Act 1: Snowy Beginnings

The first snow of the season blankets the town, and Chris, our sardonic main character, trudges into work at a small diner where he's been employed since 1993. The diner is eerily quiet, and Chris notes that it’s the slowest day he’s ever seen—except for one in 2002 when a couple cross-country skied into the parking lot for breakfast.

Chris's co-worker, Tom, ribs him about his bad luck, joking, “You’ve got a talent for attracting weirdos in snowstorms.”

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Act 2: A Symphony of Mishaps

With little to do, Chris tries to help out in the kitchen, only to cause a series of disasters:

1. The Hot Box Incident: He puts a hot box in the dishwasher upside down, flooding the kitchen with water. John, the eccentric dishwasher, squeals in frustration, muttering in Creole while singing bass lines like lyrics.
2. Salt Mismanagement: Chris uses three entire boxes of table salt on the walkway before Tom informs him about the rock salt. Chris mutters, "Guess our food costs will snowball too."

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Act 3: Snow Shoveling and Strange Visitors

Outside, Chris struggles to clear the icy brick walkway with a warped metal shovel, repeatedly jamming the handle into his stomach. He mutters sarcastically, “Another win for modern tools.”

Later, as he’s salting the lot, two strange men emerge from the dining room. Chris panics, assuming a robbery is imminent, only to learn they’re photographers updating the diner’s website. He quips, “Good thing I didn’t grab the mallet… this time.”

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Act 4: Pain and Peanut Butter

Back inside, Chris attempts to grab some peanut butter to fuel up, only to slam the 5-pound bucket on the counter, smashing his pinky. He winces, muttering, “Guess I didn’t really want it anyway.”

Tom laughs, reminding Chris of the time they used to pelt their former co-worker, a man resembling Drew Carey, with snowballs. Flashbacks show Chris misfiring a snowball that hits a clock, sending it crashing off the wall.

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Act 5: Slippery Splits and Holiday Hopes

As the day winds down, Chris spots a car pulling into the lot. Wanting to avoid a customer interaction, he turns to dart inside, only to slip on the ice and fall into a near-perfect split. John squeals with laughter, making the moment even more humiliating.

That evening, Chris reflects on the absurdity of the day while sitting in his favorite chair. He jokes to himself about installing a dumbwaiter to hide in during slow shifts. Looking out the window at the falling snow, he wonders aloud, “Could tomorrow top this madness? Here’s hoping.”

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Tagline:
“When life gives Chris snowstorms, he finds disaster—hilariously, of course.”

Check out Chris Unfiltered: Episode 1

Chris Unfiltered: An AI TV Show Based On An Old Blog

While recording the next bonus podcast episode for my Patreon subscribers I laughed at just how wacky and all over the place the blog post from February 2011 was that I was sharing. I joked on that podcast that I might enter all of that text into ChatGPT and have it turned into a television show. That is just what I did. The results? I know I was dying laughing, you be the judge. You'll have to supply your own laugh track but I can share the title card and embed the theme song. Enjoy!

Television Show Episode: "Chris Unfiltered"

Title: Swollen Meatheads and Raspberry-Melon Dreams
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Logline: Chris navigates the chaos of gym culture, personal epiphanies, and unexpected life lessons in a single whirlwind day.

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Act 1: Gym Woes

Chris, a witty and slightly cynical protagonist in his late 30s, starts the day with a trip to his local gym. As he works out, his internal monologue is relentless:

• The "swollen meatheads" grunt through deadlifts, their exaggerated movements resembling primates.
• The "gym rats", as Chris dubs them, parade in club-ready outfits. While aesthetically pleasing, their presence distracts Chris to the point of frustration.

After a failed attempt to focus, Chris decides to leave, his thoughts drifting to two attractive gym-goers walking home. Imagining picking them up, his mind spirals into a darkly comedic fantasy where they rob him of his car and organs. Shaking his head, he drives off, muttering, "My life is not a Skinemax thriller."

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Act 2: Hot Takes and Epiphanies

Later at a coffee shop, Chris sips on a decaf latte, marveling at how less caffeine has somehow given him more energy. He shares his hot take on baseball with the barista:

• "First the Yankees jerk Jeter, now the Cardinals with Pujols? Top five player, hands down."
  The barista nods politely, clearly uninterested, while Chris continues his rant.

Chris then reflects on a recurring dream involving an ex-girlfriend. His best friend, Max, calls it a “sign from the universe.” Chris scoffs but makes a mental note to reach out to her—just in case.

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Act 3: Hiking and Hip Pain

Chris decides to tackle Great Blue Hill, ignoring a nagging pain in his hip. The hike starts strong, but midway up, he pulls something and collapses dramatically. A group of college hikers helps him up, laughing at his "old man" complaints.

While recovering, he imagines Chinless Fat Guy, a caricature from the gym, as the villain in a future novel. He chuckles to himself, thinking, That guy’s a goldmine of comedy.

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Act 4: Car Metaphors and Cheerios

Back home, Chris films a vlog for his small but loyal online following.

• He compares relationships to cars: “If it keeps breaking down, you don’t keep pouring money into it. You get a new car!”
  His subscribers flood the comments with agreement and car-related breakup stories.

Later, Chris rants about Count Chocula’s disappearance from store shelves. “We’ve got Pumpkin Spice Cheerios, but no Count Chocula? Madness!” He holds up a bottle of raspberry-melon Gatorade and concludes: “At least some things still make sense.”

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Final Scene: Unexpected Connection

As Chris winds down for the night, he dreams of his ex again. This time, the dream feels less like a memory and more like a resolution. When he wakes up, he decides to message her, keeping it simple: Hey, just checking in. Hope you’re well.

The episode ends with Chris sitting on his couch, sipping Gatorade, and smiling as her reply comes through.

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Tagline:
“Life’s a mess, but Chris has opinions—and Gatorade—to get him through.”

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog - #48: Christmas Tree, Old TV, Dolphin Noises, etc.

1. I finally got myself a little Christmas tree. How I got it was a process. I can’t fit a regular 6-foot where I live. Plus I don’t want all of the clean up so I wanted a small artificial one. Going out less than 2 weeks before Christmas to find a tree was a challenge. I ended up visiting several stores over a few hours. I was hell-bent on getting a tree that night so I ended up with a 3-foot artificial tree from Ocean State Job Lot. It’s small and thin but it fits exactly what I wanted. Think of it like Charlie Brown’s tree, except artificial.

2. I ordered copies of a Christmas card I made to give to family and some friends from Walgreens. Their website said they’d be ready in about two hours and I checked the box to get a text or email alert that they were ready. I went to the gym to kill time and then headed to Walgreens where my cards were ready. All good. The next day more than 24 hours after I placed my order I finally got the text from Walgreens telling me my cards were ready. I was tempted to go in and ask for them and play dumb but I decided to be a good boy.

3. I decided to get rid of my Nana’s old CRT television as I mentioned last week. It was still working and even had the remote. I left it by the road with a ‘free’ sign on it and figured it would be taken within hours. Wrong. I guess with flat-screen TVs being affordable nobody wants to lug a 50lb, 20-year-old CRT television home that they found on the side of the road. I gave it a few nights which consisted of me getting home from work after dark, hiding the television behind some bushes, wrapping it in a tarp and bungee cord, and then moving it back to the road before I left for work. In the end, I paid to take it to the dump, boooo.

This was basically what I was doing(AI)

4. For Christmas gifts I ordered a few gift cards from a local movie theater in the town of Chatham, Massachusetts. It’s about 20 minutes from me. Being lazy I had them mailed to me. The interesting thing is that when the cards *finally* arrived they had a postmark from Providence, Rhode Island. That’s nearly an hour and a half from me. It must just be protocol but seriously there’s no way to send something local in the mail without it going 5x as far away from me? Oh well, I can’t complain since they at least arrived before Christmas.

5. One of the funniest and most wholesome things I’ve seen in a while happened late in a shift at my day job. A man came in with his daughter who was probably about 4. She was super cute and not shy at all. As they were checking out he mentioned that one of her new favorite things to do was laugh like a dolphin. She then proceeded to make loud dolphin noises (think Flipper for those old enough). The sounds echoed off the walls and I had to walk away to laugh. I didn’t want to encourage her. The dad seemed a bit embarrassed but he never said anything to her because I don’t think he wanted her to feel bad which was really nice.

6. During a walk around the supermarket there was Christmas music playing and holiday decorations everywhere. It was a very fun and festive atmosphere. I had the biggest smile as I walked around and I figured a lot of people assumed I was enjoying the holiday season. I didn’t want to ruin the illusion but little did they know I was so happy because I found the horseradish sauce I wanted. It’s not as magical as the holidays but I’d be happy with it under my tree.

Yay, horseradish sauce!

7. We got the first snowfall of the season on Cape Cod. I’m not as big of a fan of snow as I was when I was a kid but the first snow is always fun. I grabbed my camera and headed out. I stopped at one particular spot in Dennis, the next town over. The photos and video were great but the roads got bad fast. Driving a Toyota Corolla means more than a little snow makes it a bad time. The last mile or so of my drive home saw me barely able to get to 20 mph as the roads were packed with slushy snow. My traction control light was on almost nonstop. As much as I loved the photos I was glad to get home in one piece.

8. My sister Ashley has a dog named Buddha. He’s a mix of a lot of things but looks mostly like a fluffier German shepherd. A fun fact is that he will not sit on any couch with her. In fact, he will get off the couch if she tries to sit with him. I say this because he goes out of his way to sit with me on the couch at my mom’s. This week not only did he lie down next to me but he fell asleep. To top it off he let me rest my arm on him like a big old rug. It shocked my mom and sister mostly because if she tried to sit next to him and pet him he’d walk away. She says it’s because he’s suspicious of her that she’s not petting him but checking for problems because she’s his parent.

9. A recent thing I’ve noticed on social media, more specifically Threads, is an influx of polite bots. They’re either bots or incredibly stupid people. I’d like to think bots. For example, I went and got a nice video of a church in the falling snow. There were wreaths, a manger scene, and a decorated Christmas tree under a gazebo. A comment on the video mentioned nice ‘traditional religious decorations.’ The kicker was when they asked if I had built them myself. Did I build the church and gazebo? Another one a few weeks back asked if I had built the boat I got a video of that had a small Christmas tree in it. Mind you I put a caption of where I was and what I was filming and the comments basically reworded my caption into question form. I’m hopeful these are bots because if it’s real people I mean wow stupid times a million.

Someone asked if I built all of this.

10. As Christmas draws near I am back to debating whether I should bother wrapping gifts or use bags. There was a time for a few years when I’d pile presents for the family into one big bag and hand them out because I just didn’t want to spend the time to wrap them. I guess I figure that the wrapping paper is wasted energy since very very rarely in my life have I ever heard someone rave about a gift wrapping job. That being said I do have my wrapping paper and tape ready so I guess I’ve answered my own question.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog: #47 - Holiday Photo Trips, Laptop Blue Screens, My Nana's TV, etc

1. One of my recent favorite holiday traditions is snapping photos and videos of a little boat in Allen Harbor in Harwich, MA. I found it maybe 5 years ago by accident. My only issue until this year was that the boat was in an area where if I parked in front of it I had to jump down almost 5 feet to the dock below to be eye-to-eye with it. This year it was moved down where I could easily step my old bones down. Granted I could just walk down the dock to where the elevation was lower, but hey I’m in photo mode. Also, photos of this boat are guaranteed to blow up on social media, and I’m all about the clicks and likes.

2. My final author event of 2024 was one of my best ever. Speaking at the Hyannis Yacht Club was amazing. Very fancy, and very friendly, and all of the people who came out to see my presentation gave it rave reviews. The woman who organized it said the people loved it. I could tell by the number of books I sold. To top it off I got sent home with some choice selections from the lunch buffet. I was busting with happiness when I left, and then busting with food later on.

It was a fun and classy book event.

3. People who know me and have come to my speaking events are shocked I am the same person they know. This comes down to me being far more introverted in my daily life. With my dreams of being a writer came the issue of having to learn to speak in public for events. It was not easy. My first few events back in 2014 consisted of me speaking into an open copy of the book I was presenting. I needed to craft a visual presentation to take eyes off of me. Plus a friend of mine at an event said I looked ‘bush league’ acting like a scared rabbit talking into my book. That influenced me too.

4. My event at the Hyannis Yacht Club was made even better by my cousin Dale being there. She and her husband, my cousin Richard, have always been special to me. As everyone grows older, and some start passing away, we see each other less and less. Last year I saw them both at a family event and she asked me to stay in touch. I did briefly via email but that didn’t last. So seeing her at this event was a thrill. It also helped to have family in the audience to put me at ease. As I just mentioned I am way more introverted than I appear at these events, so any sort of home-field advantage I’ll take.

5. One morning this week I woke up and turned my laptop on as I do every day. I was horrified to get the dreaded blue screen. It mentioned something not being installed or some other issue with an update. My heart was in my throat. I’ve had this happen several times before on old laptops. The worst incident was in the spring of 2020 when my hard drive basically cooked itself. I ended up losing well over 1,000 photos and videos from my amazing 6-day 2,100-mile road trip in November 2019. I turned the laptop off and back on and wouldn’t you know it everything was fine. Granted I’m now expecting another issue anytime now, but it’s almost like the computer gods wanted to remind me not to get too comfortable with my technology running smoothly.

6. As the holidays go along I start to realize just how many places on Cape Cod are a part of my annual photo trips. I start to get memories popping up on social media which remind me to visit these places. By my count, I have close to 10 places that likely will span several trips. It’s almost like an obligation now to get my fair share of holiday cheer. I don’t mind though. Any excuse to take night drives and get some really nice photos is alright with me.

7. When it comes to this year’s first shoot my luck was both good and bad. It was cold, hovering around freezing. It wasn’t very windy, even by the ocean, so that was good. However, a few of the spots I visited are typically lit up either with a spotlight or actual Christmas lights. This year two places were not lit up, at least not when I was there. I guess it could be worse, it gives me an excuse to go back again before the season ends to try to get more photos.

A festive scene on the Eastham town green.

8. Wandering through Stop & Shop one evening this week I passed by Marty the robot that glides along looking for messes for the staff to clean. If you walk near it the robot stops because it has a sensor so it doesn’t just plow into people. But it can be kind of slow and get in the way at times. Me? I just step around it because it’s not a big deal. This angry old man though felt the need to plow into it a couple of times with his shopping cart while badgering his wife. A. He’s a jerk and I feel bad for his wife. B. He looks exactly how you think he looks. 60-something, mustache, some garbage phrase on his shirt that needs a wash, and jeans that look like they’re going to blow away like dandelion spores.

9. I made a typical foolish card for some friends and family for Christmas. What I end up doing is creating a card and getting it printed through Walgreens. I do have an account with them but use it probably once a year. When I got ready to have this card printed I needed to sign in. Fine. Since I don’t use my Walgreens account much I needed to check my email to confirm. Sadly my Walgreens account uses my old AOL email. So I had to go sign in there for the first time in forever. When I went to sign in there because I never use my AOL account I then had to verify myself for that through my Gmail account. I did that and was actually expecting to have to verify my Gmail account next through my Subway account or something. Cards are ordered though and all is good.

10. Finally after having my Nana’s old giant CRT TV for 15 years since she died I decided it needed to go. I haven’t turned it on in many years. Basically, it’s been a huge paperweight on an antique stand that I remember her having since I was a kid. As far as I know, it still works. It even has the remote. When it came to carrying the TV down the stairs and out to the street I noticed that it felt far heavier than I remembered. I thought maybe I’m just older and weaker which was pretty depressing. Then I noticed I had the TV still hooked up to the cable wire which made it feel like a thousand pounds. The fact that I forgot to check that was more depressing. I left it out by the street with a ‘free’ sign on it. 

How I thought my move of my Nana's TV might end up.