2001: My Life In Poetry Form(Part 3) - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2001. I was turning 23 years old. I had returned to Cape Cod to Las Vegas and was trying to process that chapter of my life.

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For so long I thought life was over. That the only thing I had left was getting older. Now I can see the light, breaking through where the clouds once held me. I can see the light shining down into the dark shadows where I lived my life. Have you ever forgotten to stop the pain? Like a leaking faucet where the drain is clogged, eventually it will spill over. Would you forget love if it hurt you so? Could you see light through the heartache? Now I can see the light and I believe it’s here to stay.

My love is solid, crack it, but it will not break. My love is forever, I can’t imagine being without it. It’s always been there, I just couldn’t see, it’s everywhere around me. In my everyday, everything I do, it’s the love that remains true. You’re my angel for what you’ve shown, my savior for bringing me closer to myself. I love you for who you are. 

I love you for what you’ve given me.

Have you ever looked in the mirror so tired of what you see? How can you give love if you can’t find it in you? Do you wish for a well where love flows and runs through your fingers? Where is it supposed to be, this everywhere love? It’s the love that I’ve found, that I can never lose. It’s the love I have that always there. My everywhere love is the love inside of me.

You may not have the most beautiful love, you may not have the strongest. But it can be all the beauty and strength you need if you believe in it. When your life is beautiful then you’ll find it’s love that made it so.

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Miles From Twilight

Remember when we were young? So fresh in our minds it seems so long ago now. We thought we knew it all, who we were, where we were going, why we were here. All that was new has grown older, all the bright lights lost some luster. Now our everything feels much smaller, and we don’t fit the shoes we used to wear. The questions outnumber the answers, the clear messages are cluttered with hang-ups and wrong numbers. I’d give anything to feel that way again, surrounded by the future, surrounded by friends. Sometimes I feel surrounded by mirrors and I don’t want to look up. Time heals wounds by taking the memory, losing who we knew and forgetting who we used to be. I’m just a fragment of a young imagination, that piece still searching the night for a lingering sensation. The passion for life once ran like wine, my throat is dry and the river is gone. Even as our soul’s children become adults we can’t give in, every drop of youth we keep is another day in our lives. No matter what they say, the numbers don’t mean a thing, deep within no words can take away. We aren’t in the sunset, miles from twilight, this yellow colored road is not golden just long and winding. It’s in our minds and only we know for sure, numbers will pile up even if we think we’ve had enough. But if we fight maybe we can win. If we push hard enough we can reverse this aging world’s spin.

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Right Now

Who can say when the world will end? Who knows which tomorrow could be the last? Who can say when this life will end? Do we still believe there is a door to forever waiting? Do we still believe in a better place? Right now I feel alive inside. No matter how dark it gets, the sun will rise again. Right now I feel I’m coming back together. No matter how hard, nothing will tear me apart again.

Who wants to tell a child there’s no tomorrow? Who will save us from what we’ve become? Who is the maker, the one who chooses when this life ends? Do we still believe? I believe it all comes down to belief. Any minute it could rain a plague, our water could fill with the blood of anger’s rage. So many buttons, so many fingers, so many questions, so few answers.

I feel there’s a weight, or is it a hand pushing down? I feel like I should struggle, but I’m frozen by sight and sound. Our dreams are falling from the sky, our identity now craters of loss. But right now we feel alive inside. Like a thousand wild horses running across the countryside. Right now I feel we’ve come together, but if we’re pulled hard enough, will they tear us apart?

Who can say what the future holds? No eyes can see that far. Whose faith runs so deep that it’s drowned their heart? I believe we shall overcome. Right now is when we need each other most. Right now the colors have faded away. No matter how large the chasms built up before, we can bridge them by extending our hands. The beauty of love shall overcome the hate.

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When I Misplace Myself

I don’t feel like I’m here today, guess my mind stayed sleeping today. If you fall in I’ll just swim away, I have an unconditional apathy today. I can’t touch what I usually feel, I don’t grasp truth and I can’t sense real, a day’s intellect washed off by an ignorant year, I have honest wandering eyes today. I don’t wanna talk about it, there’s nothing I can say, to stop this raging emptiness at least not for today. My heart’s still in the right place, but beats under a cloak of disillusion, my fingertips so numb and cold, these eyes see the unchanged face.

I don’t feel so smart today, stupidity filling a naive mind you could say. I can’t reach out, but I can feel in, and reach right through to the back of my skin. I can’t express the feelings I have now, sort of here, sort of there, and nowhere in between. I’m watching life pass through a glass bottle’s walls. Where is it going, is it leaving me behind? I can’t say if I’ve let go, I think I’m still holding on. I can’t say if I can give it up, I think I’ve lost control. You speak, I can’t make out the sound, beg and cry for all my wasted time. I tell you that I’m all right, I don’t think you swallow my lies. My heart’s still in the right place, a bit more out of reach today. My memories so numb and cold, your eyes don’t see the same face. Someday under paint brushed skies with sunstroke eyes a crack in the armor will set me free, just wait and see. I can’t feel an end, could you pick up where my thoughts left off? I haven’t time to feel sorry, the monotony these feelings bring, like a skipping record, I need someone to move my arm, dust me off. Don’t cry for my desolation, I’m still holding on, just need to stay strong and wait for the break in the armor.

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2001: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2001. I was turning 23 years old. I had returned to Cape Cod to Las Vegas trying to process that chapter of my life.

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Bullseye

Do you remember me? I’m that guy who used to be afraid, worrying about what you’d see. Do you remember my name? Rings a quiet bell, listen closely the ringing’s growing louder. Do you see me in a different light, or just another shade of the same? Are my eyes still as blue as the sky? If you reach down deep you may find that spot you once touched, it could still be waiting for you. See I’m the same outside, but inside, my heart, my soul, who I am has all been moved around. I wish I could say I was a hero back from conquering savage lands, but I’m just a man, who finally understands. I’m coming home. I’ll no longer be alone, cause now I’m coming home. Not the same old place, not the same old face. A different you and a different me, back here together, like how it’s supposed to be.

Has it been that long since I went away? I’ve lived decades inside a year, crossed oceans foaming with fear, but it’s just a passing night’s sleep back here. Isn’t it great to finally be free? Not tied down to love, pride, or guilty promises. A passing cloud or gentle breeze is what brings on my thoughts. We all need that release to let the heat escape, and pressure subside. If you’ve ever listened to a word I’ve said, listen to what I say now. Freedom is life, failure will not kill, and once in a while, we must empty out before we can refill. And I’m coming home. I’ll heal this wounded soul, 'cause now I’m coming home. Not the same old place, not the same old face. A different you and a different me, back here together, like how it’s supposed to be.

Do you remember? Do you remember the light? Do you remember the sky? Do you remember the sun in my eyes? Do you remember the sweet smell of love? Do you remember the rain after it falls? Do you remember what you have? Can you forget about what you don’t? Do you remember where we left off? Do you remember how it feels to be free?

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If I Had The Time

If I had the time I’d like to travel around the world. I’d plant a seed on every shore, and a kiss on every girl. I’d say I’ve done it all then go out and do some more, like discover the answers and reasons our ancestors looked for. If I had the time I’d like a home under the stars. Away from city streets and neon-soaked bars. Free of the smog and lights that never sleep, free from the rushing waves of people's shuffling feet. I’d step from the shadows and bathe in the sunlight. Ride the first breeze wherever it took me and rest my bones under an old oak tree.

When time has passed us by, will we be eternally blessed? I think of all I haven’t done and just hope I’ll have the time to. When life has ended, how many memories will we take? How many empty promises will tear us apart? Heaven can wait, there will be forever to remember. Today can’t wait, maybe tomorrow never comes. Make some memories while you still have the time.

If I had the time I’d throw a party that had no end. I’d live each day as the last, and treat each morning as the first. If I had the time I’d walk, not drive, to enjoy just being alive. I’d drink it in, all I’ve seen and where I’ve been, follow the sun to the foot of the sea, with waves of clouds in the sky and waves of water before me . The only sound a heart beat at rest, forgetting the concept of time.

If I had the time I could take it slow. If I had the time I could dream of years to come. I could relax as life moved like eroding sand to the ocean floor. Time is not on our side, it stays with us until we fall behind. Heaven can wait, when we get there time will be waiting. Today can’t wait, cause sometimes tomorrow is forever. Make some memories while you still have the time.

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She Came Along

Looking at the way things have gone, it’s amazing that I haven’t just shut down. What goes around comes around, it’s like dodging bullets as they fall to the ground. Facing up to the past, making promises I hope will last, it’s all too much, hitting so fast. When it feels like every day is the last note of a beautiful song. The time is right, but the place is wrong. When I’d given up and packed it in, she came along. If all I knew of her was her smile, a beautiful picture in my eyes would it still paint. If all I could do was wait a while, a thought of what I’d seen would be enough. Afraid of letting go, afraid of holding on. Do I let her in my heart, is she already there?

Looking back on things I’ve said and done, it’s amazing I’m not too frozen to move by now. What you give off is what you get back, it’s gluing myself together as I continue to crack. Now I can see that what you wish for you may receive, it’s giving hope to all of the dreamers. With every step, I get farther, with every breath I get closer. Planets and stars, the empty glass window the sky lies beyond, the only road I’ve ever needed, then she came along. All I knew of her was she made me smile, something countless others couldn’t find. All I knew of her was she made it easy, easy to do what I thought I’d never do again.

If she was ready, could she wear the crown?

Cut the strands of sadness holding me down.

If she was willing, would she swim the oceans with me? Float on our backs til all the land disappeared. If she was able to turn sand to glass blindfolded, what could she do if she opened her eyes?

If she was ready, would I be ready? To fill the emptiness. To light the darkness.

If she was willing, would I be willing? To unchain the locks. To free the me inside.

If she was able, would I be able? To give her what she needs. To accept her for who she is. Looking back, I’m only looking back as far as my eyes and mind will let me. But in time, I may find, that I never felt like I belonged, until the day she came along.

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Who’s Listening?

Hello, who’s listening? Hello, what did I say? Does it really matter?

All this hopeless chatter? It pains me so to feel this way.

Hello, who’s there? Hello, does anybody care? 

What about all this I’m feeling?

These thoughts I think I’m stealing. Can’t seem to make sense of it all.

When the sky has opened and the rain pours down, if I don’t listen does it still make a sound? Is it possible I’ve gone the wrong way?

When the dam has broken, and the river’s choking, 

if I shed no tears will I still be sad?

Is it possible that it’s the only way I’ve left to be?

Hello, I’m listening. Hello, what did you say? Does it really matter?

Whether it’s sooner or later, it pains me so to see you this way.

Hello, I’m here. Hello, does anybody care? About all of this you’re feeling?

The bad hands they’ve been dealing. 

All of what is meant to be makes no sense at all.

Save up all your pennies, in ten years buy a piece of heaven,

remember not to throw it away.

When the storm has broken, and the final word’s been spoken, if I don’t hear it will it ever really end? Is it possible someone is finally listening?

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2001: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 2001. I was turning 23 years old. I had returned to Cape Cod to Las Vegas trying to process that chapter of my life.

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Awakening

On windy days, thoughts don’t land where ideas splash. Every mirror has a reflection, and every picture has a story. Each night can be brighter than daylight inside you. It’s a long time between breaths when you don’t know you’ve stopped breathing.

Can you hear the summer sounds in the frozen ground? Up to the sky, these newborns fly. Discovering what they’ve yet to see, and becoming all they’re going to be. Look upon it without fear, the future is speaking if you listen. Sweet surrender can map a desert passage. Death's decay is like a sad old tree. You can’t fall through life having nothing to say.

Who says smoke gets in their eyes? Who would use such excuses? Not those who’ve gone blind. We all need a little blindness to see. We all need a little war mixed in with peace. We search the same places over and over, and we wonder why our seeds don’t grow in the bare earth.

Summer sights linger in my eyes. Beach balls rolling in the sand, and names spelled out with fireflies. Through the night the memories drift and sway, a sea of dreams and I’m just sailing by. How well does anyone really know themselves?

What can possibly show you the truth?

An awakening can. An awakening so sad and so beautiful it can break you and rebuild you in an instant. In time, each day that passes will fill you with rhythms in tune with a clock in your heart. Nights may be for sleeping, but part of you is always awake.

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Happy

Hey! Who are you living for? You’ve got diamonds in your pocket and gold washing up on shore. Hey! Who are you crying for? There’s sadness on your shoulders you could lose but won’t let go. Hey! Who are you trying to impress? You wear so many labels and change the way you think and dress. What makes you happy? Do you even know? Have you ever seen the light or are you hiding in someone’s shadow? When you were young what did you want to be? Now you’re stuck watching what you used to ignore. When will you look underneath and stop being an afterthought in your own mind? You’ve got to grab hold with both hands and pull yourself out of the mud. If you can’t see it through then there’s no hope of saving you, and maybe you should start crying for yourself.

Hey! You’re stumbling down. Lost track of where you were going and hit the ground. Hey! Don’t act like it’s okay. Being a dish rag, a doormat, because no one listens to what you say. Wouldn’t you like to sleep through the night? Turning cold sweat and heavy breathing to REM and peaceful dreaming? Wouldn’t you like to believe in yourself? Do you give yourself any reason? Have you taken the time to walk in your own shoes and forget the others you’re busy pleasing? You’ve got to stop trying so hard, going so far, just stop looking and you’ll see what you need.

Hey! When it’s over will you be satisfied? Will you share with the world or keep it all inside? Hey! How do you want to be remembered? Are you a passing shower or the rainbow that follows? Don’t be afraid to speak, don’t be afraid to feel something’s missing. Don’t be afraid of the freedom in your hands, don’t be afraid to do what makes you happy.

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Looking

I’m looking for a new way to live. An explanation into the deep and wide, all I can’t forgive. Everyone out there may know but they don’t know me. I’m looking for another skin, a place to hide and keep on going. Where do the problems lie? Is there a root I can dig down to? 

She’s trying so hard to forget my face and name.

She doesn’t know it but I’m doing the same.

This is all I hear in my mind at night.

I’m looking for a way to make peace within. So much needs sorting but I can’t lift these heavy hands. The light may be far off, I may not feel warm now, but I know it’s there. I’m looking for another path to the same goal. I’ve got to find another way to teach myself everything I already know. So says the wise man, true wise men don’t have to speak of it. I’m looking at the underside of a falling star, it’s falling on me, I need to make a wish quick. Sensing something’s changing, a direct line feeding to my soul, someone pick up.

This is all I feel in my heart at night.

I’m looking for a new way to drown sorrows. A drink or a smoke pulls the blinds closer when all I want is to see. Forward and backward I’ve walked this road still there’s something I’m missing. She’s trying to grow up so fast, but she can’t dam this river and I’m still sailing away. She’s trying to make me remember her face and name. But she doesn’t know I’ve stopped playing that game.

I’m looking for a soft spot to break my fall, where I’ll lie down until I wake up again. I’m looking for a door, I’d never sell my soul, but I’d loan it out right now.

I’m looking for the instant between dark and light, 

if there is one I’ll find it.

I’m looking for emotion and the valve to release it, where life is stored, where my heart is sleeping. I’m looking for a natural way, to have it back, to have control, to stop my heart from dying. I’m looking for myself in a pile of twisted thoughts and mangled ideas.

I’m so tired of wasting time. They’re all telling me, but nobody is asking me. I’m not all right. I’m not okay. It’s all fucked up in every way. That’s what’s happened to me. I’m looking for peace, the way it never could have been before.

I’m looking to right all of the wrongs inside me.

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Sand Castle

So much for love. I feel it running out of a leak in my heart. So much for life. I see time spilling from a crack in the glass. So much for trust, with all the betrayal keep faith in your own name. So much for peace, the winds of change become a tornado we’ve been sucked into. You feel like you’re flying away. You’ve lost touch like it’s all slipping away. You say it’s all a dream, but it’s reality you’re begging for.

So much for love. She’s a devil and she’s sunk her teeth in me. So much for life. Like a sand castle the more you try to fix it the more it falls apart. Everyone is acting like they know like they’ve seen it all before. Everyone is scared to open their eyes. This is no movie, you can’t slap yourself into reality cause you’re already there. You’re reaching out but no one reaches back. You wish you could look into your eyes but all the mirrors have broken. You hope it’s just a nightmare but it’s one you can’t wake from.

So much for love, the premonition was true. So much for life, the spill has dried, and the time has evaporated. So much for holding on. So much for letting go. I know somewhere they’re watching over us. Everyone can see the light if they know where to look. So much for love, guess I didn’t know where to look. You say it’s finally over, but it’s the beginning you’re wishing for.

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