2004: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2004. I was 26 years old. I had met one of the most important people and was in the midst of an important relationship in my life. It highly affects my writing.

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Distance

There are times when I am lonely, times when I am scared, times when I feel this distance between us can not be repaired. When I have in my heart all the love in a song, now I do not have a heart, and I do not think I belong. There are rooms with no windows, rooms with a view, rooms with a looking glass door to fall through. I have reached to the sky and fallen to the ground, now this distance is like a shadow following me around. Now I do not feel I belong in this cold lonely town. There are places I have been, places I will not go, things I have discovered and wish I did not know. There are truths that make the lies seem sweeter, and stories you tell to make a mess seem neater. There are times when I want to scream, times when I want to cry, day after day this distance is here and I have not figured out why. All that was right is all that is wrong, since you have been gone I do not feel like I belong.

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Me Without You

The sky grows dark and the stars come out.

Light is hard to find, I don’t want to open my eyes.

Behind them there is a face, a beauty I don’t want the dawn to erase.

This is me without you.

Summer sun seems cold as ice, as pale as snow that’s fallen twice.

The warmth of an embrace is all the touch I cannot replace.

Under my skin I’m shivering,

as my dreams make promises they’re not delivering.

There is no me without you.

I am just a shell, a soul with no voice, a lost lonely sailor at sea with no choice. I only follow blindly the fog in my mind, a picture of the love that’s left me behind. Steps without walking, words without talking,

my eyes watching the door without blinking.

There is no me without you. I cannot be free without you.

There is nothing to believe without you.

There’s only sadness I receive without you.

The sky grows dark like the sun forgot to rise.

Suddenly a silhouette forms before my eyes.

My heart can’t stop racing no matter how hard it tries.

I touch an angels face and from deep inside I realize…

there is no me without you.

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Second Time Around

Falling back in with the same old crowd.

The hole seems deeper the second time around.

Dirty, battered, and broken before, clean was never good enough,

I need to hurt some more.

I need the sky to fill with clouds.

I know where I can hide the second time around.

I need my heart to close its doors.

Love was never going to save me, I need alone some more.

Stumbling back down a foggy set of stairs.

The basement of my mind where nothing was repaired.

Thought I'd learned how to find the light.

But my eyes see the blinding sun as twilight.

I need the dark to hide my eyes.

The second time around I've lost my disguise.

I need that closed book to open again.

It was never to be finished, only a new way to begin.

Falling back in with my same old friends.

Here is the place, and now is when.

Dirty, battered, and broken again, lying on the ground.

Nothing was good enough, it's worse the second time around.

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Underground

Plant me and watch me grow.

Feed me full of what you want me to know.

Fragile and cramped under the light.

Small and weak, keep me in the dark of night.

Tear me out by the roots, your work is done.

Cast off into the pile, a journey just begun.

Use my home to grow my clone.

A future so unlimited now to be spent alone.

Trying to use what I've been taught, all the answers change.

Looking over the landscape at all the places to pass the blame.

Do you remember? Why do you remember?

Hurt to remember? Forget to remember?

Give in to surrender? Brain in a blender?

Too bad I'm not a member?

This nightmare's a never ender?

Letters with no sender? Wounded needs a mender?

Plant me and watch me grow.

My seed now six feet below.

Struggle for the air trickling down.

Forget the light I'm staying underground.

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