To All Of My Second Fathers

To All of My Second Fathers

Happy Father’s Day to all of my second fathers. Thank you for pitching in to pave the road left abandoned by the one who should have paved it. I could have spent this Father’s Day feeling resentful toward the person who had, but did not earn, the title of *Dad*. Instead, I wanted to thank the good male role models I have had, for I didn’t get to this point in my life on my own.

When I began putting together this piece, it really dawned on me. Despite the main male in my life not wanting to show me anything except how not to be, I found that I had a village of true men who took a boy and helped make him a man.

To Serpa, CJS Sr., my second stepfather. Thank you for bringing the type of stability that eluded me when it came to male role models in my life through my teenage years. You started as my mom’s coworker, whom I would end up chatting about sports and sports cards with in the produce section of Stop & Shop for way too long. Here it is, 30 years later, and we still chat about sports and cards. You’ve been there through high school, college, moving cross country, births of kids, deaths of family members, and everyday moments that pass by in the blink of an eye. You taught me that so much of being a man is showing up for those who matter.

To my Grampa, Sully. Thank you for crafting a life that served as a blueprint for all I wished to be. Your hard work, your dedication to your family, your ability to make things make sense. All of these things I have tried to emulate. I often said while you were still here that if I became half the man you were, I’d consider my life a success. That will never change. You were and still are the role model above all others. You taught me that part of being a man is leading by example and living life in a way that makes people proud that they know you.

To my uncles. Bob, Eric, John, and Steve. Thank you for helping to guide me each in different ways. Uncle Bob, you are the one I emulate when relating to my own nieces and nephews. If they enjoy their time with me as their uncle, it’s because of what you showed me. Uncle Eric, I told you that I wished you were my father. You showed me that it was possible to be a good father even if your brother could not be bothered. You looked out for me and helped me through some hard times when you did not have to. Uncle John, the only one who knows more about family history than I, is you. You showed me that the right way to live life is by simply being a decent human. Uncle Steve, you taught me about mental toughness and perseverance. You took your grief and turned yourself into an elite distance runner in your 50s. You showed me that there is more than one road that can take you where you want to go.

To Maui, the man himself. Thank you for instilling in me a work ethic that serves me well to this day. You took a kid who was working in an industry he didn’t want to be in and showed me how to do it and do it well. You taught me how to work hard but still make it fun. You were someone that, although not related by blood, I felt I could lean on, ask for advice, and also count on to set me straight when I needed it.

I have also been lucky to have many friends whom I look at as inspirations. I have friends who are loving and dedicated fathers and husbands, disciplined hard workers, creative entrepreneurs, gutsy risk takers, and above all else, good and decent people. I’m looking at you, Barry, Steve, John, Mike, Greg, Hasan, and others I might be forgetting. You don’t have to be a generation older to be a male role model, and I appreciate all of you.

For me, Father’s Day tends to be bittersweet. As you can see, I have had many good male role models who have helped to shape me into who I am today. However, it shouldn’t have been the job of a committee of others. The main male role model in anyone’s life should be their actual biological father. Sadly, it is more common for a father to shun their duties of teaching and protecting their kids in favor of being lazy and selfish.

The person who is my father is so in name only. He avoided responsibility in every way possible. It included not paying child support for, you know, supporting the child you helped create. It included making promises to his kids that he routinely broke. It included valuing alcohol over his kids' well-being. It included looking at his kids as walking ATM machines as soon as they started working.

I could have easily become a lazy, selfish, ignorant, drunk, professional victim. I was blessed though, with the men I mentioned above. They taught me how to be a man while my “father” showed me all of the things not to do. To this day, he sits back and whines, wondering why his kids and grandkids want nothing to do with him. Get a mirror and you’ll find your answer.

To all of my second fathers, thank you so much for all of your love, support, and advice. Thank you for helping me build the road I am on. I will keep on doing all I can to be a person you can be proud of. I will do my best to validate all of that support every day of my life. Happy Father’s Day!

In My Footsteps Podcast Episode 199: Celtics v. Lakers In the 1980s, First Ever Video Rental Store, Weird Bubblegum Flavors, Sleeping In the Outfield(6-11-2025)

 

Relive a historic basketball rivalry. Learn the story of the first video rental store. Recoil at some weird bubble gum flavors.

Episode 199 is the final stop before the big Listener's Choice show but there's plenty of nostalgia to be had.

It all begins with the beginning of the video rental store. It was at one point a gigantic industry before falling to streaming, but it had to start somewhere. We will look at how the first video store came to be and some of the original players in the world of rentals.

There have been many amazing rivalries between teams in all sports. Few had the impact of the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers battles in the 1980s. Bird and Magic, Boston and L.A., it was a wonderful time to be a fan. We will look at what made it special.

Peppermint, spearmint, cinnamon, fruit, these are all classic favorite bubblegum flavors. This week's Top 5 will not be featuring beloved classics. Instead we will look at some of the weirdest and in some cases grossest bubblegum flavors there have been.

There will be a new This Week In History and Time Capsule featuring the crazy but true story of a player who fell asleep on the field during a baseball game.

Don't forget to become a free member and to go vote in the polls for Listener's Choice Episode 200 over on Patreon! Voting ends June 12th!

Helpful Links from this Episode

• Purchase My New Book Cape Cod Beyond the Beach!
• In My Footsteps: A Cape Cod Travel Guide(2nd Edition)
• Hooked By Kiwi - Etsy.com
• DJ Williams Music
• KeeKee's Cape Cod Kitchen
• Christopher Setterlund.com
• Cape Cod Living - Zazzle Store
• Subscribe on YouTube!
• Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog
• Webcam Weekly Wrapup Podcast
• CJSetterlundPhotos on Etsy
• Serenading Romero
• Candy Hero.com

Listen to Episode 198 here

Peaceful Emptiness: Finding Closure After 20 Years

     Closure is a funny thing. You can be looking for it for nearly 20 years and somehow still not be ready for it when you get it. As I sit here releasing all of these thoughts, that’s what I am dealing with.
     Closure can be cathartic. It can signify the end of an important chapter in your life. It can trigger the release of strong pent-up emotions. That’s where I’m at now.
     Less than 24 hours ago from when I am writing this, I got the most important closure I had been looking for. It is not the exact picture-perfect type of closure I might have desired, but after years of nothing, it was something I needed. Bear with me as this is something I’ve wanted to write for almost 20 years.

Chapter 1: At First Sight

    In order to understand why this closure is so important, I need to take you back to the beginning. Let’s go back to the first week of June 2004. 21 years ago this past week.
    I was introduced to a girl. We’ll call her Gwen. I had no idea that she would end up being one of the most important people to ever grace my life.
    On the day I met Gwen, I remember telling a friend that I was done with love and relationships. I said that if love wanted me, it was going to have to kick down the door and whack me over the head with a club. Only a few hours after saying that, the club had crashed down on my head.
    I had been in the throes of a terrible bout of depression at the time I met Gwen. She was a gorgeous Hispanic girl with dark brown eyes and black curly hair. When she smiled, her eyes squinted in the cutest way. When she spoke in her soft, almost breathy voice, I had to grab a chair to keep my shaking legs from giving way.
    I felt inadequate and unworthy. Gwen made me feel like I was good enough. She single-handedly pulled me free of the chains of depression and squashed those feelings of inadequacy. That being said, I still kept my guard up. I typically believe that if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. After our 3rd date, I let my guard down. Then things got real.
    I let the feelings free. I was crazy for this girl, and my world suddenly seemed like it made sense. Everything I had gone through leading up to the day I met Gwen was paying the toll to cross the bridge. Then the hammer dropped.

    Gwen didn’t live where I did year-round. She worked for a family as a nanny who spent half the year on Cape Cod and the other half in New Orleans, Louisiana. She was into me, and I was into her, so we enjoyed every moment of the summer and figured we’d cross that bridge when we came to it.
    I became so attached to Gwen. I couldn’t imagine my life without her, or remember my life before her. That’s the forever type of feeling. I was 26 at the time, she was 22, but in my mind, I could see this being a long-term relationship. What about the impending return to New Orleans?
    As the days ticked down to the first week of October and her leaving Cape Cod for half a year, I started to formulate a plan for her return. I declared my intentions. I told her that someday I wanted to marry her.
    That’s a big declaration. She was a bit taken aback, but I made sure to tell her I didn’t mean today, or even next year, just someday. To prove it, I even gave her a sort of placeholder ring. Not anything expensive, but a gesture of the weight of my words. Gwen had changed my life so completely. A person like that is not someone you let get away.
    We made promises to stay connected through the winter. We knew that come April, she’d be back and we could hopefully pick up where we left off. October came, and Gwen departed Cape Cod. She would never return.

Chapter 2: The Distance

    The first few weeks went well. We stayed in touch, and at times it was like she was just away on a trip. Then the calls and texts got fewer. Gwen worked full-time as a nanny, so I understood that she didn’t always have time to answer her phone. I knew that we just had to navigate these waters and we’d come out the other side stronger than ever.
    The hammer dropped on those dreams. Gwen let me know that the husband and wife she was working for had decided to get divorced. In short, this meant that returning to Cape Cod with them in April was off the table. I was devastated and desperate. I meant all that I had said to her and now I needed to prove it.
    First, I got time off from work and set up a trip down to New Orleans in January. It would be the first time I had seen Gwen in four months. Her mother would tell me in a letter later that Gwen was overcome with emotion seeing just how far I was willing to go to see her. She knew I really loved her.
    Looking back, the trip to New Orleans was our last hurrah, but at the time, I didn’t know that. We had fun and reconnected, and I got to meet and spend time with her family. I specifically remember Gwen’s youngest sister gifting me a pair of heart-shaped Mardi Gras beads.
    I felt like they accepted me. I even started trying to learn Spanish so I could better communicate with Gwen’s parents, who spoke very little English. Gwen felt like home to me so in my mind, wherever she was, needed to be my home.
    While driving around downtown New Orleans, I told Gwen of my plan to move to New Orleans. She was shocked. I explained my reasoning, but the most I got out of her was that it was a big city and she couldn’t stop me if that was what I wanted. The distance between us for those months could not be overcome in four days. In fact, it was only on my last day in New Orleans that it felt like it had on Cape Cod.
    We parted ways at the airport. I remained steadfast in my plans to return to New Orleans. For her part, I think Gwen could have gone either way. If I never returned, she’d be okay. If I moved there, she’d plan accordingly.

    I think deep down, I knew that was it. While driving home from Providence, the song Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 came on the radio. It was a song Gwen and I had sung together often. The lyric that broke me was “I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew.
    That someday it would lead me back to you.” I cried so hard while driving on the highway that I eventually needed to pull into a rest area to collect myself.
    I figured things could go one of two ways. Either it was over, and I'd try to put my life back together without the person who had changed it more than nearly anyone. Or I followed through with my plan to move to New Orleans and let the chips fall where they may. I chose Option 2.
    I began setting up plans to move. I began scoping out apartments in and around New Orleans. I also started sending feelers out for potential jobs. The one that I was closest to accepting was working at an art gallery. I can’t remember what exactly I was going to be doing but I’d be in the art world, which was good for my hopeful photography or writing dreams.
    Although I hadn’t accepted any jobs or put any money down on any apartments, the wheels were in motion. All I had to do was tell my job on Cape Cod that I was leaving and that would be it. Then fate intervened.
    I was likely only a few weeks from making the move when Gwen ended it. She told me that things were going too fast and that she was too young and not ready for the step I was planning. She said some things that crushed me. Basically, she felt like what we had was a fun little fling, and that the time had passed. At that moment, I was hurt, confused, and angry. Looking back now, I see her side more clearly.
    I loved Gwen. She had pulled me from a deep depression just by stepping into my life. That being said, she didn’t ask to be my savior and that had to be a pressure that she wasn’t ready for. If things had gone to plan, where she returned to Cape Cod that April and we picked up where we left off, I think we would have had a good chance of making it. Life is never a single straight line though.

Chapter 3: Fading Away

    Our time as a couple was over. The calls, the texts, the poetry I wrote, it all ended. I tried, and failed, to get over Gwen. I was floating in a sea of sadness during that summer. Then life threw one of those curves.
    Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans in August 2005. I saw the videos and was horrified. All I thought about was Gwen and her family and hoping that they were okay. I had to bridge the gap. I made the call to check on her.
    Her family was safe. They had relocated to Houston, Texas. Gwen and I reconnected. We didn’t talk every day like we used to, but it was at least a few times a week. Keeping the lines of communication open with her was a blessing and a curse.
    I felt that as long as we talked, there was always a chance of getting back together. After the hurricane, I wasn’t sure if Gwen’s family was to permanently stay in Houston. Maybe they’d move somewhere else? Maybe somewhere closer? Or maybe I’d plan another move and follow through?

    Within a few weeks of Hurricane Katrina, I was on the move from Cape Cod to Southern Florida. I kept Gwen in the loop with my plans to drive more than 1,500 miles from Cape Cod to Fort Lauderdale by myself in my blue Saturn Ion. At the very least, with me in Florida, she and I would be about a 17-hour drive apart. This was about 13 hours less than if I were driving to Houston from Cape Cod. I kept running on faith that we were meant to be together.
    My time in Florida was short. Hurricane Wilma thrashed the state about a month after I arrived. All of my job interviews were gone. Soon enough, my money was too. I knew I needed to punt on this journey and go back to Cape Cod to start again. It ended up being a fun story but a failure of a life change.
    As for Gwen, things kept changing. In the time since she had left Cape Cod, she had gotten very, very deep into religion. I don’t know if she was always that way and I pulled her away from it while we were together. Maybe so. All I know is that it became an insurmountable obstacle.
    I wanted Gwen to remain in my life. If I truly had meant all I said about her I’d be a hypocrite if I cut her off because we no longer were a couple. It was a double-edged sword. Every time we’d talk, I’d hear her voice, and it was like a visceral reaction. I’d remember all we said and did, and I’d want it all again. However, there was one thing I hadn’t counted on.
    She began talking about dating others. It was a gut punch. Looking back now of course Gwen would have no shortage of suitors. She was all of the things I had said and believed. Men would be falling all over themselves to be with her. I just wasn’t ready to hear that.
    I was angry, hurt, and confused again. What about me? I was good enough at one point, but now I was only good enough to be her sounding board about other men she was with. I loved her, but I couldn’t take it.
    Our calls and texts became fewer and fewer until one day they stopped, forever. I don’t remember who was last to reach out to the other. I don’t know if she called and I didn’t respond or vice versa. All I do know is that Gwen was out of my life.
    From the day we first met to the day of our last interaction, it had been two years at most. She had gone from a stranger to the most important part of my life, and back to a stranger in the blink of an eye. It was over, for now.

Chapter 4: The Search

    To cope with the end of an important relationship, I dove headlong into my writing. The first short story I wrote was actually a semi-biographical tale of my relationship with Gwen. I even called her Gwen in the story.
    Those short stories led to ebooks on Amazon. This led to my own website, a travel blog, and eventually a book deal. As much as I tried to forget Gwen, she was a huge part of my life still, as my writing career truly began as a way to deal with losing her. To this day, all of my writing and content work I do is connected to her.

    Years passed. I looked for love and failed at every turn. I was chasing the feeling that Gwen had given me. It felt like nobody measured up, or that I’d never even give them a chance to. It was sometime in early 2010 that I first tried to reconnect with her.
    I didn’t have her address. Her phone number had changed. She was nowhere to be found on social media. The only connection I had was her youngest sister, and she was not interested in helping me bridge that gap. To be fair, it wasn’t her job to reconnect her sister to an ex-boyfriend. Still, at the time, I was angry. She was my only hope, and it was dashed.
    More years passed. I met a few people. I even had a relationship that, for a time, made me forget about Gwen. However, once that one ended, I again began the search.
    By 2016, I learned that Gwen had gotten married and still lived around the Houston area. She still wasn’t on social media so all I had was the most minimal of information. I would get frustrated and then mad at myself. If I had just kept in touch even through her dating others who knows where we’d be?
    Time kept moving on. I battled alcohol issues. I dealt with the deaths of several loved ones. I kept my head down and worked on my writing, which as of today is 9 published books. I also buried myself in content creation, including a podcast. I was trying to fill every nook and cranny of my life so that I didn’t have time to think about things like relationships.
    In 2022, I tried to connect with Gwen again. I knew her 40th birthday was coming up and wanted to at least wish her a happy birthday. I mentioned to her sister about Gwen’s birthday. She never responded so I left it alone. I’d share things on social media that were vague and/or cryptic. I knew Gwen would never see it, but it soothed my heart briefly.
    This pattern continued over the next few years. Birthdays, anniversaries of our first date, I’d post something to keep that memory alive. I created a Spotify playlist with songs we used to listen to. Even if she wasn’t there, Gwen’s memory would make me smile.

    I pride myself on being great a research. I’m an excellent Internet detective, for what that’s worth. Still, despite my best efforts, I could not locate Gwen. I refused to do any people searches. I didn’t want to invade her life in such a way. I had to use my detective skills, which always led to dead ends. I had her name and roughly where she lived. I’m sure if I’d have paid, I’d have gotten what I wanted. But if I truly had loved Gwen, if I truly respected her and wanted her to be happy, I couldn’t cross that line. I’d never be able to live with myself.
    June 2024 marked 20 years since Gwen had blown up my life like the most beautiful tornado. It was another chance to reconnect. I again asked her sister to please pass along my email and phone number. I said Gwen didn’t have to use them, but if she ever wanted to reconnect, she could. Her sister said she couldn’t do it. Out of respect for Gwen’s husband, she didn’t want to give an ex-boyfriend’s contact info to her.
    I felt sad and defeated. Yet I understood. I told her sister that I would leave it alone. Out of love and respect for Gwen, I would let the past be the past. The search had to be called off.

Chapter 5: Closure

    I began to look back on things more pragmatically. I started asking bigger picture questions like ‘Why?’ Why had Gwen come into my life? What was the lesson I was supposed to have learned?
    I had loved her hard. I had loved her more intensely and deeply than anybody. I had chased those feelings and looked for them in others, only to find that it was something that couldn’t be so easily replicated.
    Gwen had become a ghost. I could never see her but I felt her in every facet of my being. She had left such a mark on me that I ended up stopping my search for a relationship with someone else because I knew they wouldn’t be Gwen. But what did I learn?

    The main thing I learned, which took me a long time to see, was that Gwen had shown me that I could be loved in a real way and do so by being a 100% authentic version of myself. I’ve felt in every other circumstance that I’ve altered something about myself to try to fit someone else’s idea of a relationship. If I could find a love like that once, then surely I could find it again, even if it took much longer than I wanted.
    The other thing that I was having trouble accepting was the fact that I was never going to get closure. My closure was not getting closure and having to deal with it. I hated that. I hated that I’d never know more about Gwen than the fact that she was married, didn’t have any kids, and lived near Houston. But it was all I was going to get, or so I thought.

    Here we go back to the beginning. Less than 24 hours from when I’m writing this, I got what I didn’t expect. I got closure. How?
    This week is the anniversary of when Gwen and I first met. I am always deep in my feels, remembering what she meant to me. It is easier to go back to that place because I was smart enough to keep a journal of our relationship. I can flip through the pages and it’s like she’s here with me again.
    I took the journal and parked in a secluded area of a beach parking lot. My windows were down, it was a perfect afternoon. I started from the beginning, making sure to soak in every word I’d written. It was different reading the words I’d written at 26-27 now in my late 40s. I had a different view of life and could see the issues I brought to the relationship.
    Don’t get me wrong, I was still looking for things I could have done to save the relationship, but when the last journal entry was finished with a period, all I could do was smile.
    I closed the notebook and stared out toward the beach. I said out loud in my car, “I want to find her. Or I want her to find me.”
    Many times I have stated this. I had put it into the universe that I wanted Gwen and I to somehow reconnect. It never happened and this time I figured it would be more of the same. Things changed a few hours later.
    I sat in my chair, looking at the laptop I’m writing this on. For kicks, I typed in Gwen’s name and town, like I had done many times before without success. I found something. There was someone with the same first name, same middle initial, same age, same town, but with a different last name. Could this be her?
    My heart began fluttering as I clicked the link to a Facebook page. What I saw knocked me for a loop. There was Gwen and her husband, they shared a page. I clicked their profile picture and saw her face for the first time in 20 years. I smiled and said, “I found you.”

    Gwen and her husband run a church in the Houston area. Their shared account is all about their religious teachings. It turns out her deep dive into religion at the end of our relationship was her true calling.
    I scrolled through the posts and photos. Over and over, I saw comments from the parishioners thanking Gwen and her husband for all of the positive impact they have made in so many people’s lives. I watched videos of Gwen giving sermons, all in Spanish, but still. It was what she was meant to do and meant to be.
    I saw the photos of Gwen with her husband. They looked happy. She looked happy. She looked as beautiful as the first day I laid eyes on her. Just as I am a far different person than when I first met her, I could tell Gwen was far different as well. In the end, I was happy for her.
    

    So what of my closure? I now have ways to contact Gwen, yet I feel no desire to. Is that strange? I searched for her for so many years and now that I’ve found her, I feel more compelled to stay in the background as only an observer.
    What good could come from my reaching out? The Facebook page is for both Gwen and her husband. Am I going to send a message spilling my guts? They also give the address of their church. Again, am I really going to write a letter condensing everything I’ve written here into a page or two?
    I don’t want to tarnish what we had. I don’t want to cause damage to Gwen’s life by revealing my truth. What would it matter? I got what I needed. I needed to see her with my own eyes. I needed to know how she was, what she was doing, and most of all know that she was happy and fulfilled.
    Gwen and I are two different people living two different lives. In the best-case scenario, one of us would have to totally alter ourselves to fit in the other’s world. I am not willing to do that, and I wouldn’t want her to do that for me. My writing career and her religious teachings are what we were meant to do. I don’t think I had a hand in helping her get to where she is, but I do know she had a major hand in getting me here.

    In the end, where does this all leave me? Once I closed the Facebook page, I felt a mix of peace and emptiness. I had been chasing Gwen for so long, and having finally found her I feel like there is a big space I need to fill with something else. I’ve been filled with content and writing work so I don’t think more of that is the answer. Maybe I’ll give a relationship a more serious try.
    As time passes, I will likely check in on Gwen. I will look at her Facebook page, and her church website, and maybe see if she’s on other social media platforms. Contacting her? Right now, that’s a ‘no.’ Out of respect for Gwen and respect for her sister, whom I had told I wouldn’t pursue her, I need to keep my word. However, if someday I open her page and it’s no longer both Gwen and her husband, then all bets are off.
    I feel strange not having that monkey on my back of needing to find Gwen. It was there so long that it’s hard to imagine life without it. After so, so long, I got the closure that seemed like I’d never get. I see how happy Gwen is, how fulfilled she is, and that’s all I want for her. Sure, I’d love to tell her all about where my road has taken me, and maybe someday that will happen. For right now, though, I’ll end this by saying thank you, Gwen, for coming into my life, for changing me more than you’ll ever know, and I kept the promise you made me make, I never forgot you.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #72: (No)rthern Lights, Brown Water, Ab-solutely Crazy, etc.

 

1. Hopes were high on Cape Cod that we might get a glimpse of the Northern Lights this week. I even took a rare trip out after dark. My plan was to park at a beach and walk far enough down the sand to get away from as much light pollution as possible. That part was a success. I ended up staking out a spot on a staircase that led from the beach up the dunes and eventually to a summer home that was still empty. Then the waiting game began. During the hour I sat out there the low clouds rolled in along with some of the smoke from the Canadian wildfires. Eventually, around 10:15 I decided to call it. No Aurora Borealis. It wasn’t a waste though, as I did enjoy the sense of adventure I’ve been craving for a few months.

Me, waiting for the Northern Lights.

2. I’ve been stuck in a frustrating cycle over the last several months. I lose weight and feel better. Then I start to run more. Then I get some sort of injury. I get depressed and eat my feeling and gain the weight I lost. Then I get mad at myself and rebound. I lose weight and feel better again and the cycle repeats. I’m in the eating feelings stage as my body doesn’t want to cooperate with what my brain is asking so eventually my brain stops asking. Sure, I could chalk it up to a rough patch or just getting older, but my hope is that during one of these rollercoaster rides I find the eject button.

3. Whoa boy, nothing tops the mini heart attack you have when you flush your toilet and the water is brown. You think it's a septic issue. Luckily, in a roundabout way, the problem ended up being a water main break a mile away. Once many neighbors on my same street mentioned brown water the heart attack went away. I guessed it wasn’t septic because of course, I had to put my hand in the water in the back of the toilet once I noticed that the brown water didn’t smell. Sorry to anyone eating when they read this.

4. Basketball blues for me is a real thing. As you might recall last week I was doing my usual full-court playing at a local park and ended up needing both of my hips adjusted. This week I was able to top that. When chasing down a loose ball I lost track of where I was on the court. I ended up off the asphalt and onto the dirt. My left foot caught on the dirt, causing me to roll my ankle pretty good. I heard a nice crunch and everything. At first I worried it was broken or at least that something was torn. Luckily it is just a sprain that will be painful for a few days. You’d think I’ve learned my lesson but oh no. I’m sure in a week or so when it feels better I’ll be back on the court trying to find the next way to injure myself.

Before the injury

5. This week, we had the first super-hot day of the season. It got up to 87 on Thursday on Cape Cod. The only good thing is that it’s still spring so it’s not humid yet. I had to laugh because I was thinking about how the first few hot days of the season always feel good. In about 2 months though, those same types of days will have me begging for the fall. That being said the heat was short-lived and it’s expected to be in the upper 60s to low 70s for the foreseeable future, which is alright with me.

6. As a *sigh* middle-aged man one thing I try to do is be ahead of the game when it comes to simple products for the home. Things like hand soap, dish soap, toilet paper, toothpaste, etc. I don’t like running out. I think it’s gotten to be a problem though. Combine my need to be fully stocked with a tendency to forget what I’ve bought and you end up with a situation like I had this week. There was a deal on hand soap so I bought one. The only problem was when I got home and went to put the soap in the cabinet. It was then that I saw that I had 3 other soaps in there. Now, instead of being one ahead I am four. I have enough soap to last me until winter, which means I’ll likely buy a few more in the meantime by accident.

7. I had an interesting revelation as far as my own psyche goes. I can be a procrastinator at times. I also have severe bouts of Imposter Syndrome. Basically, it means you never think your victories in life are due to skill but more luck. That bleeds over into a lot of facets of life. I have been *debating* signing up for a year membership at Backstage.com, which is a big site for finding acting gigs. I want to try my hand at voice-over work. I was commissioned to edit a video for a friend, and the payment for it covers that one-year membership. Yet I still haven’t signed up. I figured out why. My imposter syndrome and procrastination are colliding. I can’t apply for any voice acting gigs until I am a member. I am terrified of failing at another creative venture so the longer I put off actually signing up the longer I can put off applying for jobs and the longer I can put off what I dread as far as failure goes. I will have to bite the bullet and apply since it is lining up well. Plus doing a podcast for over 4 years has given me some voice acting skill, so let’s just do it.

8. I wish that you knew when you were living in a period of time that was going to have a major impact on your life. Sure sometimes you get a feeling but typically you don’t recognize those times, specifically positive ones, until long after the fact. Every year for the last 20, including this year, during this week I remember a person who impacted my life more than just about anybody I’ve ever known. I could write a million words about her and still only scratch the surface. She came into my life when I was a major low point, battling depression. She pulled me out of it and taught me that I was okay being an authentic version of myself. At times it feels like her part in my life was a dream. I find myself chasing the way she made me feel and never finding anyone who matches it. All these years later I am also chasing the answer to the question ‘Why?’ Why was she sent into my life? What was the lesson she taught me? My best answer is she taught me that I could find real love as my authentic self, and that if I could once, I can again.

9. You ever do 20,000 ab crunches in a single session? At my work we got a machine that gives you that many muscle contractions in 30 minutes. It’s not just for abs though. There are 2 different pairs of paddles. The larger pair is for abs and probably lats, maybe glutes. The smaller, slightly contoured paddles are for smaller muscles. I chose to work my abs. The intensity was an 8 out of 10. I tried different positions for comfort. I laid down. I stood up. In the end I definitely felt the contractions but I wasn’t sore, at least not immediately. By the end of the next day it hurt to take a deep breath due to the, you know, 20,000 ab contractions. I had to tell my mother that if she saw me clutching my stomach that I wasn’t sick, just sore from the machine. Can’t wait to try it again.

10. When I write I sit at my desk with a window a few feet away to my right. This time of year it is wide open to let in the fresh air. There was a long round of silence in between passing cars and I could hear the birds chirping near and far. It was late in the evening and the music's seeping through. Wait, sorry that’s a Paul Simon song. It was evening, and through the silence I heard the sound of what I know to be a squirrel eating an acorn. The grinding of its teeth as it chewed was so loud it felt like the squirrel was on my windowsill. After getting up to check a few times I finally spotted it sitting about 40 feet away in a tree with its tail flipping around while it chewed. That was some crazy echo, plus at least it wasn’t one of the many squirrels that destroy the bird feeders in the yard.

Very loud eaters

2005: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2005. I was 27 years old. An important relationship evolved, changed, and ultimately ended during this year. Love, a brief engagement, and a tumble into despair. This all heavily affected my writing.

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Casual

There’s a question I need to ask you.

You have to promise not to answer.

There’s a question I need to ask of you, 

when the time comes that I see you next.

You can answer without words if you like, 

orange lakes of fire in the sky.

How can I plead my case, when it’s right there in my face?

Show me, how those boots strap so high.

Tell me where your hair got that style.

Tell me why each second goes a mile.

Flesh on flesh harmony for a little while.

There’s a problem I have, but I don’t want you to solve it.

Don’t want attachment, just want satisfaction.

There’s something I need to show you, 

you have to promise not to look.

There’s something I need to give you, promise not to give it back.

How does it get so hot, nothing left to cover the spot.

Silence the foreign tongue for a while.

Show me how the low can get me high.

Tell me why I’ve got to find you again.

Show me how my heart can stop when you begin.

How can I walk away, when you know just what to say?

Show me how the cinnamon shimmers like that.

Friction dancing, champagne bottles broken on the floor.

Do we clean it up or let it ride some more?

Quick romancing, mirror filled with eyes at the door.

Tell me how you learned all her lines.

Tell me how someone can change but still stay the same.

There’s a question I need to ask you, 

and I know you’ve got the answer.

Show a few tricks, juices flow and mix,

there’s a feeling but it’s let go, it’s all just for kicks.

There’s a question I need to ask of you, how did it last so long?

There’s a place I need to take you, the last line of a song.

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Philosophy

A lot of people these days are living their lives in their own ways. They tell me not to make waves, get in line and accept your fate like an urban slave. I have seen the top of the mountain lying below sea level. I thought I had known emotion in the past, it was just a sneeze to this earthquake of today. It's a shame that when you find paradise not everyone can come with you. When the forest you're in becomes an ocean all you can do is sail through. When familiar words are no longer heard, in whatever form they take I'll remember the meanings are still the same. There are so many leaders you'd like to worship but you've only enough time to serve one. So many roads may lead you away, always remember where you came from.

One life, one love, one path I'm walking on. One heart, one soul, choose wisely when you give them away. One mind, think for yourself, one hope rises above all else. One body, don't abuse it, self-respect, never lose it. Hold on to your faith and the beliefs that you choose. One life, all your own, I don't know what else there is when it's gone. One love, it's always all that matters. All you need is to one time get it right, and love will love you forever.

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What Are You Looking For?

What are you looking for? When you look in my eyes what is it that you want to see? Are you afraid you might see a reflection in me? When I tell you how I love you is that much too much to believe? Even though I don't have much money, what I have I'll give to you. Even though my strength is weakening, I'll scale every wall you want me to. What are you looking for when you look at me? Is it fear we have passed the point of no return with all those signs unseen? Is it the piece of you that is missing, replaced with part of me? All I am is in love with you, all I have is because of you.

What is it that women want? Why is it so hard to put my finger on? I think I find the key to your heart and there you go changing the lock. I feel my heartbeat sounding more like a ticking clock. Playing the waiting game until we both feel the same. Don't I love you right? Don't I help you sleep at night? You are the queen of my small world. Don't I show you you're the only girl, that I could ever give my heart to? What are you hiding from? When love is wrong and loneliness is the prison you call home. What are we fighting for? I laid down my guns and surrendered the moment I saw your face. Some people may call it crazy because they haven't found anything like this love that saved me. It's okay, they see it their way, it's the only way they have a beautiful day. What are you looking for? All you'll ever need is here. Promises are weak, proof happens through the years, when you look up so long from now and I am still here. You won't have to look anymore.

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Wrong Way Home

Don't be afraid when I'm driving the wrong way on the highway. I find the way home my way. Don't shiver in fear if the light disappears. Sometimes I find my way better in the darkness. Don't turn and run if at times life isn't fun. We may have lived a hundred years but we've only just begun.

Don't cry if I don't weep, don't scream if I don't speak.

If some days I seem far away remember I still love you more than words can say. When there are times I can't lay it on the line, wait on me girl 'cause I'll be fine. Only you can wake me from this dream, sleeping but not as lost as I seem. Just making my backwards way, wrong side of the highway, same trip different day.

Don't be afraid if I take my thoughts and run and hide.

Sometimes what I'm keeping should stay inside.

Don't worry if I step to the ledge, check the winds with my finger and think of a backstroke to the ground. Don't think I've gone over the edge, losing the things I wish made me a bigger man, dreaming of the simple wish that the child keeps alive. Driving the wrong side of the highway, looking toward the sky maybe it's the only way. Don't walk if I can't run, don't break down if at times life isn't fun. We may have lived a thousand years before but we've only just begun. If some days I seem so far away, remember I still love you more than words can say. Only you can wake me from this dream, sleeping but not as lost as I seem.

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