2004: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

 

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. We return to 2004. I was 26 years old. I had met one of the most important people and was in the midst of an important relationship in my life. It highly affects my writing.

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Distance

There are times when I am lonely, times when I am scared, times when I feel this distance between us can not be repaired. When I have in my heart all the love in a song, now I do not have a heart, and I do not think I belong. There are rooms with no windows, rooms with a view, rooms with a looking glass door to fall through. I have reached to the sky and fallen to the ground, now this distance is like a shadow following me around. Now I do not feel I belong in this cold lonely town. There are places I have been, places I will not go, things I have discovered and wish I did not know. There are truths that make the lies seem sweeter, and stories you tell to make a mess seem neater. There are times when I want to scream, times when I want to cry, day after day this distance is here and I have not figured out why. All that was right is all that is wrong, since you have been gone I do not feel like I belong.

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Me Without You

The sky grows dark and the stars come out.

Light is hard to find, I don’t want to open my eyes.

Behind them there is a face, a beauty I don’t want the dawn to erase.

This is me without you.

Summer sun seems cold as ice, as pale as snow that’s fallen twice.

The warmth of an embrace is all the touch I cannot replace.

Under my skin I’m shivering,

as my dreams make promises they’re not delivering.

There is no me without you.

I am just a shell, a soul with no voice, a lost lonely sailor at sea with no choice. I only follow blindly the fog in my mind, a picture of the love that’s left me behind. Steps without walking, words without talking,

my eyes watching the door without blinking.

There is no me without you. I cannot be free without you.

There is nothing to believe without you.

There’s only sadness I receive without you.

The sky grows dark like the sun forgot to rise.

Suddenly a silhouette forms before my eyes.

My heart can’t stop racing no matter how hard it tries.

I touch an angels face and from deep inside I realize…

there is no me without you.

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Second Time Around

Falling back in with the same old crowd.

The hole seems deeper the second time around.

Dirty, battered, and broken before, clean was never good enough,

I need to hurt some more.

I need the sky to fill with clouds.

I know where I can hide the second time around.

I need my heart to close its doors.

Love was never going to save me, I need alone some more.

Stumbling back down a foggy set of stairs.

The basement of my mind where nothing was repaired.

Thought I'd learned how to find the light.

But my eyes see the blinding sun as twilight.

I need the dark to hide my eyes.

The second time around I've lost my disguise.

I need that closed book to open again.

It was never to be finished, only a new way to begin.

Falling back in with my same old friends.

Here is the place, and now is when.

Dirty, battered, and broken again, lying on the ground.

Nothing was good enough, it's worse the second time around.

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Underground

Plant me and watch me grow.

Feed me full of what you want me to know.

Fragile and cramped under the light.

Small and weak, keep me in the dark of night.

Tear me out by the roots, your work is done.

Cast off into the pile, a journey just begun.

Use my home to grow my clone.

A future so unlimited now to be spent alone.

Trying to use what I've been taught, all the answers change.

Looking over the landscape at all the places to pass the blame.

Do you remember? Why do you remember?

Hurt to remember? Forget to remember?

Give in to surrender? Brain in a blender?

Too bad I'm not a member?

This nightmare's a never ender?

Letters with no sender? Wounded needs a mender?

Plant me and watch me grow.

My seed now six feet below.

Struggle for the air trickling down.

Forget the light I'm staying underground.

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In My Footsteps Podcast Episode 196: 1970s Cutting Edge Tech, 1985 Year In Movies, Animated TV Show Fails, Mount St. Helens(5-21-2025)

What was the cutting-edge technology of the 1970s? What was it like to go to the movies in 1985? What are some of the biggest animated television show fails?

Episode 196 answers all of these questions.

🛸 What Was High-Tech in the 1970s?
Think the '70s were all shag carpets and disco? Think again. We're digging into the cutting-edge innovations of the decade—from futuristic toys and game-changing electronics to major breakthroughs in medicine and transportation.

🎬 Going to the Movies in 1985
What was it really like to hit the theaters 40 years ago? We’re throwing it back to sticky floors, giant soda cups, and a year of unforgettable (and sometimes baffling) #1 box office hits. Blockbusters, bombs, and everything in between—get ready for a cinematic time warp.

📺 Top 5 Animated TV Show Fails
Not every cartoon can be a classic. This week’s Top 5 counts down the biggest animated misfires to ever hit the airwaves. These short-lived flops might make you say, “Wait… that was real?”

🌋 This Week in History & Time Capsule – We revisit the explosive 1980 eruption of Mount St. Helens, one of the most powerful natural disasters in U.S. history.

📢 Listener’s Choice is Coming!
Episode 200 is around the corner! Don’t forget to cast your vote in our Listener’s Choice poll—open to all Patreon members, free or paid.

Hit play and let the nostalgia take over! 🚀

Helpful Links from this Episode

• Purchase My New Book Cape Cod Beyond the Beach!
• In My Footsteps: A Cape Cod Travel Guide(2nd Edition)
• Hooked By Kiwi - Etsy.com
• DJ Williams Music
• KeeKee's Cape Cod Kitchen
• Christopher Setterlund.com
• Cape Cod Living - Zazzle Store
• Subscribe on YouTube!
• Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog
• Webcam Weekly Wrapup Podcast
• CJSetterlundPhotos on Etsy

Listen to Episode 195 here

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #69: Allergy Attack, Cereal-Flavored Ice Cream, Crab Party, etc.

1. This week was the week of the revenge of allergies. I typically get hit with allergies twice a year, early to mid-May and late August. This round was likely exacerbated by visiting Hart Farm to buy my mom’s butterfly bush and being in the swirling winds of pollen. Early in the week was the worst. I had very little energy and felt like I was moving through molasses. This is not good when your job is training people. I was practically begging for rain to knock the pollen down.

2. Monday Runday was ruined by my allergies. Sure, I still went but it was all walking while my friend Mike ran around the track. I know it’s more about the camaraderie of friends but I will admit I was disappointed that I couldn’t even run one step. By the end of my 2.5 miles of walking I was gagging on pollen and my throat was coated like I had just done that stupid cinnamon eating contest.

3. I feel so bad for Boston Celtics star Jayson Tatum. He went down in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals against the New York Knicks with a ruptured Achilles tendon. He’s already had surgery but will likely be sidelined for close to a year. Granted he’s only 27 and will likely make a full recovery but Achilles injuries suck. In 2012, when I was marathon training I strained my left Achilles, which took 5 months to heal. A strain took 5 months. Plus I had numbness going up into my calf. It was no fun. I was really hoping for a Celtics repeat as NBA champs but as long as Tatum recovers, they will have a good shot at another title when he’s back.

4. There are 2 types of people in this world, those who yell at the self-checkout robot voice in a supermarket, and normal people. These are the same types of people who shuck their corn at the stand in the supermarket in front of the sign that asks them not to. Obviously, you can figure out this is the same person. All I could do was shake my head and feel bad for the people who have to call him family. The guy looked like someone who is a boatload of laughs to be around.

5. So now Kellogg’s have cereal-flavored ice creams? My pants are crying knowing that at some point I will have to try all of them. If you’re curious, there are Corn Pops, Rice Krispies Treats, Frosted Flakes, Honey Smacks, Froot Loops, Fruity Pebbles, Apple Jacks, and Eggo Waffles. If you care about how healthy they are each pint appears to be 600-650 calories so use that info as you wish.

6. When out on a photo excursion to Chatham, I ended up at Cockle Cove, which has a creek that eventually meets the ocean. I stumbled upon a tiny crab colony. The little crabs that are about the size of a quarter and live near the rivers and creeks on the Cape. I ended up shooting way too much video of these crabs, much of it being me trying to get them to stand still. Amazingly, these tiny crabs didn’t like a giant pointing a phone at them. Well, this video tells the story better.

7. A few weeks ago I got my first tick on me, which I only found because it eventually crawled onto my neck. For the second tick interaction this year, naturally, I got 2 ticks on me. I am terrified of this increasing number, especially since summer won’t start for a month. In September, I’ll be mentioning getting 100 on me and that they stole my car afterward.

8. The Outdoor Boys YouTube channel is a fascinating story. It has been around for years but in the last 18 months or so has exploded. Currently, they are right at 15 million subscribers. This week, Luke, the father/main creator of the videos, made a short goodbye video. He has made over 1,100 videos. He said it’s so time-consuming and now with it blowing up he’s got way too many people wanting to meet him, contact him, or just be around him. I’m sure most subscribers will be sad and not understand but as a content creator, I totally got it. I have over 600 videos on my YouTube channel and couldn’t imagine what I’d do if suddenly I had 100x more followers. Sure, it sounds like a good problem but the more eyes that end up on you the more of a chance you take of some weirdo crossing a line. I won’t stop my content creator journey but it does make me think sometimes.

9. I had my first 1,000-calorie burn run in almost a year. 7 total miles in perfect weather. I chose a route where I could end up at Mattacheese Middle School. This is my old school, now closed, that I graduated 8^th grade from in 1992. Next door is M.E. Small School. Feeling good, I happened to go by the playground and there was a giant plastic crate filled with balls and frisbees, etc. On my way back off the school grounds, I was feeling great and decided to stop and shoot some hoops on the basketball court. I also noticed some of the balls were close to the parking area. I figured I’d kick them back toward the plastic crate. One was a kickball, which went flying and made a good sound. The other I think was a soccer ball but it felt like it was a bowling ball. My big and second toes on my right foot immediately hurt. Once I got home I had the pleasure of seeing the black and blue toenails. Mmm, tasty, those will be feeling good for the next week or so.

The facade of my old middle school.

10. Back in March, when I shot my first movie role in Provincetown, I got a lot of content for my YouTube channel. One piece of content was an interview with the cast and crew of the documentary The Old Men Of the Mountain. My friend Frank Durant of the Lady of the Dunes documentary produced it. The documentary was recently finished and is up to watch. I did and loved it. So I figured why not finish off this week by sharing that documentary?

 

6 Years and What Have I Learned? Dear Grampa

 

Dear Grampa,

It’s been 6 years now since you left this world. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember every excruciating detail of those last few months as you slowly deteriorated due to Alzheimer's. I told myself that if I truly thought of you as my hero and role model that I needed to be there as much as I could through those dark times.

The truth is, it scarred me. It scarred and traumatized me more than anyone knows. It’s a trauma I don’t speak of much because I don’t know who’d listen or care.

That first time in the room with you, where you got stuck in a loop of getting dressed and undressed for work was a cold slap of reality, I think I didn’t want to believe. I made my choice though to be there until the end.

Some times felt almost normal. We’d talk about the 1950s, jazz music, old friends, and you remembered my name. That might have been the biggest blessing and curse. You remembered my name almost to the end. It also meant that when you begged me to help you escape the nursing facility, it was my name you used. All I could do was wait it out until the thought floated from your mind like dandelion spores.

Then there were the bad times. Me sitting at your bedside while Nina begged me to help you. There was nothing I could do but apologize and say I didn’t know what to do. Few things are more heartbreaking than your grandparents who had been married over 70 years begging their grandson to do anything to help the situation and knowing there was not a damn thing I could do but be there.

I would hold it together for the sake of my mother and siblings until I was by myself. That was when my alcohol issues took center stage. I would drink until I couldn’t feel and then hate myself for wanting to scrub the final memories of my supposed hero from my mind.

In those final weeks, I had many times that I was torn between hoping you passed so you wouldn’t suffer anymore and wanting desperately for one more memory of you, even a traumatizing one. Then the end came.

They say even when you’re unresponsive, a person can still hear you, which is why it is good to speak to someone even if they show no signs. I remember that last night, that last time I saw you. I left work to say my goodbyes. Sitting at your bedside as you lay with your eyes closed, looking peaceful, I knew it was the last time I’d ever see you.

It hurt. It was a new kind of hurt, though. When my dear old friend Matt died 18 months earlier, I got the news but never saw him. This time with you I was staring you in the face, knowing that it was my choice how long I stayed, what I said, and how I reacted to what was coming.

I’ll keep my final words to you between us because I know you heard them. I could have stayed longer as my coworkers told me to just go home after I saw you but I needed to not be alone, at least not right away. I knew alone time was drinking time and I needed to feel for a little longer.

I stood in that doorway looking at you trying to imprint everything permanently into my memory. It worked. It’s still there. Even now I get that familiar pang of emotion knowing that my next move was turning and walking away leaving you forever only a memory. I’m sorry.

The photo I took after leaving the nursing facility that final night.

It’s been 6 years now. So what have I learned?

I learned that you cast a big shadow. It feels even bigger when it’s been taken away. I learned a lot from your life and death, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve done anything with what I’ve learned.

I learned what real love was from you and Nina being married for over 70 years. I learned how important real love was by how she slowly faded away once you were gone. Me, I am more afraid to love and be loved so I have chosen to bury myself in chasing my dreams since you’ve been gone.

I learned about what a real man is and what having a real male role model means, especially when one is taken away. I’ve had so many ‘second fathers’ in my life, because my ‘first father’ didn’t want to be a father at all. I tried to soak up all of your wisdom while I could. Now I find myself wishing I could ask you a question or share a problem with you, usually a few times a week.

I have sunk deep into personal development over the last few years, desperately trying to find the road that I was paving while you were still here. Through this journey, I have learned one sad truth. I don’t feel like I am honoring your legacy the way I wish I could.

There was a great question on a self-help podcast a few months ago that hit me like a ton of bricks. A man asked how best to honor his brother, who had recently passed away. The podcast host said the best way to honor someone you’ve lost is by living the life they would have wanted for you. I don’t feel I am doing that.

There are times that I think about all of the advice, words of wisdom, and lessons I got from you. Then I think to myself, ‘Did I even pay attention?’ I swear I did.

I said to you that if I grew up to be half the man that you were, I would consider my life to be a success. I don’t consider myself a success. This is where I’d ask you for advice on what to do next, but all I can do is comb my memories of you to see if I can find a stone I’ve left unturned.

I could sit here and tell you I feel like I’ve failed you in terms of the lofty praise and expectations you would heap on me. Maybe it was just what good grandparents do. I don’t know.

There are two things I will leave you with, Grampa. One you said to me and one I’ve learned through the years, and all of the losses of loved ones.

One is the words you scratched down on the piece of paper I still have to this day. It’s never too late to be what you might have been. Yes, I know that George Eliot said that quote, but I had never heard of it until you gave me those words. Until I am dead and gone, I will continue the search for whatever I might be. Not giving up my dreams is the best way I can honor you. Well, except for one other way.

It is said that a person dies twice. They die once when they take their last breath, and again when their name is spoken for the last time. As long as I am alive, you will be as well.

I will celebrate. I will mourn. I will share stories. I will pursue my dreams in your honor. It’s all I can do to stay warm in the chill of your giant shadow. It is why I am writing a letter you will never receive.

How I picture my grandparents.

In closing Grampa, I love you and miss you everyday. Please take Nina out for a fun night dancing and singing at the best jazz club heaven has. Save a big table for Nana, Uncle Eric, Auntie Chris, Brenda, and Marylou. Matt probably won’t go to a jazz club, but you can always send him a box of donuts.

Until we meet again, thank you for everything.

Love,

 Chris

In My Footsteps Podcast Episode 195: Friday the 13th Turns 45, Transformers, Useless Early Internet Features(5-14-2025)

 

The anniversary of a horror movie classic. 1980s boys' obsession with Transformers. Some of the most pointless features from 1990s internet.

Episode 195 brings the buffet when it comes to Gen-X nostalgia.

It kicks off with a look back 45 years to the debut of the slasher movie staple Friday the 13th. Dubbed the scariest movie ever before a script was even written this classic spawned countless sequels and eventually one of horror's most enduring villains, Jason Voorhees. 

We go way back in the day to a favorite of mine and countless other 1980s boys, Transformers. Robots in disguise these toys were a massive success and led to tv shows, movies, and a spot in the zeitgeist of several generations.

The internet changed the world as we know it. For all of the good that it has brought there has also been some downright pointless. This week's Top 5 will look back to some of the most useless internet features from the 1990s.

There is as always a brand new This Week In History and Time Capsule centered around the ill-fated westward journey of the Donner Party.

For more great content become a subscriber on Patreon!

Helpful Links from this Episode

• Purchase My New Book Cape Cod Beyond the Beach!
• In My Footsteps: A Cape Cod Travel Guide(2nd Edition)
• Hooked By Kiwi - Etsy.com
• DJ Williams Music
• KeeKee's Cape Cod Kitchen
• Christopher Setterlund.com
• Cape Cod Living - Zazzle Store
• Subscribe on YouTube!
• Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog
• Webcam Weekly Wrapup Podcast
• CJSetterlundPhotos on Etsy
• Cursor Effects - Tholman.com

Listen to Episode 194 here