What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 6. You Are In Charge Of Your Own Happiness, Nobody Is Coming To Save You

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you can start to practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

As I stare down 47, my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

6. I Have Learned That You Are In Charge Of Your Own Life, Nobody Is Coming To Save You.

This piggybacks a bit on the previous section(read it at the link at the end). When it comes to chasing your dreams you will have a lot of supporters but in the end, you are the one who is going to have to do the chasing. Sure, some people will give you advice or a helping hand but nobody is going to pick you up and carry you to where you need to be. That is all on you.

In your adult years, you learn more and more that you are the writer of your own story. Your job, where you live, who you surround yourself with, you have a choice in all of it. I have been one to fool myself into thinking that certain things were just meant to be, good or bad.

This becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. If I wish I had a different job but never apply anywhere then I’m stuck where I am. If I wish I was in a relationship but never talk to anyone then I’ll stay single. This can be applied to any situation. If you don’t change anything nothing will change.

Nobody is coming to save you, or me, or any of us. I wish I had more helping hands, or sympathetic ears, in my life. Many times I have had to navigate rough seas by myself. I either knew I had to or didn’t have the time to wait and see where the chips fell. Being self-reliant is both rewarding and terrifying. It means you get the credit for your successes but you also get the blame for your failures. That is all on you.

This doesn’t mean that the world is a cold and lonely place. It can be if you make it that way. It just means that the person you see in the mirror is more often than not going to be your dance partner in the game of life.

Much of what you have read in these articles, the deaths of loved ones, financial issues, mental health struggles, and alcohol addiction. For the most part, I fought through those things on my own. I am currently going through a struggle with weight gain and very likely I will be battling that on my own.

I am not saying don't ask for help or don’t confide in people. Many will do what they can when they can. I am saying that it’s your life and you are the one in charge of it. You are the director, not a non-speaking extra.

In the end, every decade of my life has been highly consequential and influential and I am sure my 40s will be no different. I will never be as young as I am right now and with every passing second I hope that I am gaining the wisdom to make the next day, week, or year, the best it can be.

Remember there is no textbook on how to live your life. Sure there are loads of self-help books, personal development books, and people of experience to help guide you. However, there is only one you. What works for someone else might not work for you.

My 40s so far have been a lot of gaining inspiration from others and using the inspiration to try to continue down this path I’ve been on for so long. I’ve wanted to do more with my life than just be a 9 to 5 worker. I’ve always felt I had more to offer creatively. It has been a relentless and sometimes fruitless journey on this road but it is a journey I feel destined to continue on.

A goal in my life is to live to be 100. That means I am almost halfway done. My 40s seem to be the decade thus far where I am trying to fortify whatever my legacy will be that I leave when I’m gone. I am coming around to the idea that I will be an example to others.

What I mean is that things I have done will be used by others to hopefully inspire them. Chasing your dreams until you’re well into middle age? You all should do that. Don’t ever give up on them. Making mistakes but learning and recovering from them like I did with my alcohol addiction? I don’t advocate drinking to excess but I advocate not letting mistakes be what defines you.

Most of all I try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before. Even if I improve .0001% I am still moving forward. I think that’s all we can do in life, try to become better versions of ourselves.

I wrote this on my 47^th birthday and was very happy with how it came out. I think it encapsulates who I am and what I have learned in my years so far. I hope you enjoy it.

In my mind, I’m still 8 years old first discovering my love of writing. I’m still 18 at my high school graduation wondering what the road ahead looks like. I’m still 23 and failing spectacularly at life in Las Vegas. I’m still 27 thinking I’d found the one. I’m still 35 basking in the glow of my first book. I’m still 37 thinking I was the best version of myself. I’m still 41 and staring down the barrel of insurmountable losses of loved ones.

In reality, I’m 47. I’m none of those people and yet I’m all of them. I carry all of my past selves with me for they are the ones that made me who I am.

The people I know and have known through all of those years, they are the grains of sand that make up the beach that is my life. Many of them are single grains that came and went. Some of them are the huge boulders upon the sand that have lifted me up beyond where I thought I could go.

I’m 47 and am as undefined as a summer breeze, as unsure as a dark walk in the fog, and as confident as a tenured professor with a mind that still feels like a child on the first day of school.

This is my life. I’m grateful for every moment that came before and excited for every moment still to come.

Previous: 5. There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 5. There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I do believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you then can start to put into practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

For me, as I stare down 47, I can honestly say that my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

 5. I’ve Learned There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

That quote is attributed to writer George Eliot. I attribute it to my Grampa. For you see I have that quote handwritten from him on a piece of paper sticking out of a mirror. I see it every day and remember the reason why he wrote it.

I had wanted to be a writer from the time I was 8. Over the years my dreams morphed into singer/songwriter, film director, poet, novelist, travel writer, podcaster, and finally where it is today, content creator. That is a sort of catch-all. It means I want to use my mind to craft works that people enjoy and will hopefully pay for.

My dreams of being totally self-employed as a content creator drive me. I like being a trainer but if I got the opportunity to work only for myself I’d do it in a heartbeat. I am in my late-40’s now and that still is the case. Dreams shouldn’t have a shelf life. If you truly want something and truly believe in it you should keep pursuing it. There are times when the content I create (podcasts, blogs, videos, etc) is the only thing that makes me happy.

I have had many times that I thought I was close to achieving this self-sufficient dream only to fall short and fall back. There have been times I’ve thought about giving up on a dream and falling in line with some mundane unfulfilling job just to make money. Then I think of those words my Grampa wrote for me.

I had 4 published books at the time, was a few months from turning 40, and was still having to work a full-time day job to make ends meet. I told Grampa that I didn’t know if I’d ever get to where I wanted to be. He wrote those words down. He said that even though he didn’t come up with them those words were what he believed and they were what I should believe, especially on the days when I felt less than.

Today I have 9 published books, hundreds of podcasts videos, and blogs. I still have to work a day job though. At this point, it is a mix of stubbornness and fear that keeps me going. I have come so far that I am always of the mindset that the big break is just a moment away. I also have had many friends and family who have supported me and I fear letting them down by giving up.

Maybe tomorrow something major will happen. Maybe it won’t. I feel that as long as I am on that road that the chance is always there. You don’t have to want to be a writer, content creator, or anything like that. Whatever your dream is, your real dream, keep chasing it because the only time you truly fail is when you give up.

Next: Part 6 - You Are In Charge Of Your Own Life, Nobody Is Coming To Save You.

Previous: Part 4 - Nothing Is Guaranteed and Sometimes A Step Back Can Move You Forward

In My Footsteps: Finding Your Way Back To the Right Road

     'It is never too late to be what you might have been.' George Eliot

    That quote, those words, and the meaning behind them have stuck with me for several years. In a time of self-doubt my grandfather, the man who I model myself after, wrote that quote on a piece of paper for me. I still have it attached to a mirror I see multiple times daily. Two years after his death, and several more after he wrote it down as a way to light my path, I find myself using them once again.

    The last three years were necessary. Let's just get that out of the way first. Anything I say after does not take away from the fact that if I hadn't done the things I've had to do over the last three years I have no clue where I'd be. However the end result as I prepare for a new chapter is the idea of taking a wrong turn and having to double-back to the road you're meant to be on.

    Flashback three years to early 2018. I was working in a pair of local gyms as I had worked hard to become a certified personal trainer a few years earlier. After many years of having cooked as my day job while I pushed my creative outlets, specifically writing, I felt that if I was going to have to have a day job it might as well be something I enjoyed doing. What better choice than helping people get healthy?

    The problem that came with working in a gym at the beginning was the sales pressure necessary to sign new clients up. I wanted to train those who wanted to be trained, not pressure those unsure into spending money they weren't sure they had. Bottom line is a personal trainer is a luxury and I knew that and I had trouble shutting off the empath part of my brain to be the shark necessary to get people to spend their money.

    In early 2018 I left one of my gym jobs to focus on the other, picking up more hours there hopefully in the process. Over the course of a few months the hours increased only slightly with my boss hanging the carrot of more paying clients equaling more hours. It was fair looking back but the sales pressure got to me. It was also at this time that I found myself running out of money. My bills and life expenses were outdrawing my income. Being stubborn and blindly faithful I believed that eventually things would turn around. In April I had reached a tipping point.

    This was when I had nearly bottomed out financially. I had opened a credit card to use as a crutch but had maxed it out. This came as I was so depleted of funds in my bank account that I had days that I could not afford a protein bar and water for lunch. I wanted badly to make it work as a personal trainer but also saw a fork in the road fast approaching. So when an opportunity came I jumped.

    An old friend I worked with cooking was moving to Maine. He called and asked me if I wanted to take his job cooking in a retirement home kitchen. With barely a cent to my name I happily accepted. I did not want to cook again, but I also did not want to be so stubborn that I ended up destitute. I gave my notice at the gym and told my boss there it was one hundred percent financial which it was. I left a job I was passionate about due to financial reasons only.

    That being said having a good, steady income, and a relatively easy job which cooking in a retirement home is, was good for my mental health. I was smart and began saving money immediately, and also managed to keep a foot in training by snatching up a few old clients to train in-home.

    However something began to happen. I began to grow accustomed to my surroundings. The more that I assimilated into the cooking routine again the harder it became to keep up on the training aspect, both clients and my own physical health. As the weeks and months passed it became harder to still call myself a trainer. It got depressing. I saw my adventure into training as a fail and here I was back doing what I had tried so hard to get away from. This is where alcohol became a big part of my life. It helped me to forget that I was not where I wanted to be. When you're unhappy inside, unhappy where you are, feeling like you're lost on a different path, you could have the greatest job ever but it won't matter.

    I worked with a lot of great people at the retirement home I was at. A few of them are among the best people I ever worked with at any job. My heart though wasn't in it. I needed to begin to make my way back toward training. The plan was to leave the retirement home for another job in another retirement home at the start of 2020. The difference was that it would be fewer hours allowing me to start to acquire more in-home training clients. It sounded perfect and I made the switch in February 2020. Only a few weeks later though the Covid-19 pandemic fully struck and shut down any chances I had of in-home training for the foreseeable future.

March 2020 when this became the new normal.

    When the pandemic first began I decided to just roll with it. I would take on a few more hours cooking and consider myself lucky that I even had a job when so many millions had lost theirs. For several months I kept my head down and my mouth shut in the name of self-preservation. This second cooking job was far different from the first though.

    In the interest of being magnanimous since I no longer work there I will keep it as vague as I can. I can say that being the newest member of that kitchen I saw there was a small clique of workers that adhered to their own set of rules. There were many things I saw that went against everything I was taught in coming up in restaurants, things that frustrated and confused me. I had times I thought I was on a reality show, as there could be no way certain things were being allowed to happen. I was at a crossroads.

    Things began to swing in the other direction in September 2020. It was right after Labor Day that I finally stopped my drinking that had plagued me from my waning days working in the gyms. I feel as though the alcohol kept me stagnant and accepting of the toxic environment I was living and working in. My head began to clear. I got a brilliant idea for a podcast as a creative outlet. As the days passed I also began to see more clearly that I needed to formulate my exit strategy for the retirement home job. I was again becoming accustomed to my surroundings and not in a good way. When people around you are toxic, when the job is done poorly with no repercussions, you start to drift toward that side yourself.

The time is always right, to do what is right.

    2021 dawned and I decided to start putting my own feet to the fire as far as getting away from cooking and filling my schedule with training, writing, and podcasting. An interview with a friend for the podcast led to a potential gig training later in the spring, while I signed up for a new certification in health to pair with being a personal trainer. I felt momentum building but still had several months to go before I could make the change. However circumstances sort of forced my hand.

    Going back a little over a month from when I am writing this I had a 'final straw' type of moment. One of the higher ups in the kitchen pushed their toxic narcissistic agenda on me for the last time. There's no way someone should accept being bullied and/or spoken to like they are beneath someone else. I finally had enough of that after months of just letting it slide off my back. After that interaction I stepped back and weighed whether to stay until May or leave the job early to get away from the toxicity. I chose the latter.

    In my exit interview with the general manager I vented all of my frustrations with the atmosphere of the kitchen. I summed things up by telling him it was so bad in there that I chose basically being unemployed for a couple months but being at peace mentally over staying there and getting paid but being unhappy. He understood.

It's not always easy finding your way back to the right road.

    I consider this new chapter as a way of betting on myself. There are no guarantees in life for success or failure. You have to try to know for sure. The pieces seem to be there. I was smart and saved money during my three years back in cooking which allows me to have a solid base under me as I take a few months between jobs. The new certification I am going to get will only make me more attractive to perspective clients for training whether in-home or in a gym. I have a new book coming out in May, my 6th overall, which lends some credibility to my name as a creator. Hopefully this leads to an increase in opportunities as a writer. Finally there is my podcast which I really enjoy working on. I have to be patient building an audience but who knows where that could lead in the coming months and years.

    The key points of this entire post are as follows. Life does not give you a GPS, you might get sidetracked on your journey, and the longer you go down the wrong road the longer it will take to get back on track. You only get so many kicks at the can as far as following dreams and passions. There will be plenty of time to take a job that is safe yet mundane. Chase dreams while you're capable. Finally, always bet on yourself. Don't be reckless, but don't sell yourself short. If you don't believe in yourself why the hell would anyone else? That is what I am doing now, betting on myself. Here's to a great rest of 2021 with many brighter days ahead for me, for you, for all of us.

    It is never too late to be what you might have been.

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Previous Blog Posts:

In Their Footsteps: Cape Cod History - Charles Hardy and Chatham Bars Inn

In Their Footsteps: Cape Cod History - Three Sisters of Nauset

Be sure to check out my website: Christopher Setterlund.com

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