Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #57: Bloody Good, Diet Woes, Don't Call Me Sir, etc.

1. At my work we have something called compression therapy. You get wrapped up in these pads that squeeze your body stimulating the lymphatic system to get moving. It is great for your overall health. When you do this therapy it is 30 minutes you relax and then when the session is done someone comes in and unwraps you. If somebody has done the compression therapy enough they might feel comfortable enough to start unwrapping themselves to help. A person was doing that before I got in the room to assist them. It all seemed fine until I went back in to clean off the pads. It was then that I noticed the splatters of blood on different parts of the various pads. It looked like a crime scene. The worst part was there was another person set to use the compression therapy and as I wrapped them in the pads I kept noticing other drops of blood I had missed. I had no poker face and was horrified.

2. The only thing that could possibly rival the bloody good story above at work this week was the following. My boss got a great deal on a used mannequin. He intends to use it to display clothing featuring the business logo on it. Makes sense. The funny part was how it arrived. It was in pieces. So bringing in the top half and the arms was fine. However, nothing could prepare me for the sight of my boss walking in with this naked ass mannequin bottom up near his face. I couldn’t have written it any better. We ended up stashing it for a while in the compression therapy room but kept the door closed since it looked like we had killed and dismembered someone in there.

3. Only I could vacuum a room for several minutes not realizing the hose wasn’t attached. Granted I wondered why the vacuum had such terrible suction but it wasn’t until I turned around and saw the disconnected hose on the floor that it all made sense. I have said it a million times, I was born blond so don’t be shocked at stories like these.

4. I spent an evening tearing up an old carpet and then slicing it into strips with a box cutter. I was so focused on getting it done right after work that I didn’t bother to put any sort of mask on to protect me from dust. Eventually, I brought several contractor bags of rolled-up carpet slices outside. My body was exhausted from the workout. Then later on while relaxing not wearing a mask came back to haunt me as I got a major bloody nose from inhaling all of that dust and whatever else was underneath the carpet. Oh well, at least it got done.

Yeah, it was a little like this.

5. In the coming weeks I am shooting the scenes for my first acting gig. It’s funny because I made tons of skits as a kid with my camcorder and craft scripts for my podcast weekly yet trying to get lines I didn’t write memorized is really tough. I printed out all of my scenes and have had trouble getting the lines down. One solution I had was to print them out again, only in a much bigger font. It’s like speaking to a dog, and then saying the words again slower like that will suddenly make the dog understand you.

6. I could be on the strictest of diets but will never not be a sucker for a new flavor of Doritos. I have loved them since I was a kid and any time they release a new flavor I will try it. The latest proof of that is the Late Night Sizzlin’ Cheeseburger flavor. I definitely enjoy them. Every now and then some Doritos are okay, but when I see there are more flavors in this Late Night series that’s when the ominous music starts to play and I feel my pants begin to get tighter. Oh well, six-pack abs are overrated anyway, right?

Dangerously good.

7. Did my first real interior paint job this week. A subtle gray paint on half of my apartment. Luckily I wore clothes I was cool with throwing out because to no one’s surprise, I got paint all over me. Also, put in new flooring in the form of carpeted tiles. That was fun as well but hell on the knees. The room does look a lot better but my body needed a day to recover for sure.

8. I was under the impression on Instagram that once things you post on your story are gone (after 24 hours) nobody can see them except you in your own archives. This week I had some random person like a story of mine from 5 ½ years ago. Not sure how they got to see it. It was very creepy and suspicious that I immediately blocked them just to stop any weirdness before it really gets going. I mean you need to be a special kind of weirdo to deep dive someone’s IG story back more than 5 years.

9. This winter has been one long hibernation. It’s like I’ve done a lot of work, content-wise, but I feel like I’ve been holed up. I don’t know if it’s the cold. I don’t know if it’s being busy with work. I don’t know if I need a change physically to gain energy. Maybe it’s my diet being bad and my body doesn’t produce the energy from bad foods. One or all of these things need to change soon. This blah chapter feels like it’s run its course.

10. Being called ‘sir’ by someone much younger is still a very weird thing. I don’t feel that old (most days) so I definitely don’t feel like being called ‘sir’ is warranted. But I’m also not going to be some mid-life crisis guy who corrects someone young who calls me sir. It actually shows respect for your *ugh* elders. I mean I call people much older than me sir. Wait, so I guess I’m much older than these people? Man, it’s time for a nap followed by dinner at 4pm.

I'm not this guy...yet.

What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 6. You Are In Charge Of Your Own Happiness, Nobody Is Coming To Save You

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you can start to practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

As I stare down 47, my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

6. I Have Learned That You Are In Charge Of Your Own Life, Nobody Is Coming To Save You.

This piggybacks a bit on the previous section(read it at the link at the end). When it comes to chasing your dreams you will have a lot of supporters but in the end, you are the one who is going to have to do the chasing. Sure, some people will give you advice or a helping hand but nobody is going to pick you up and carry you to where you need to be. That is all on you.

In your adult years, you learn more and more that you are the writer of your own story. Your job, where you live, who you surround yourself with, you have a choice in all of it. I have been one to fool myself into thinking that certain things were just meant to be, good or bad.

This becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. If I wish I had a different job but never apply anywhere then I’m stuck where I am. If I wish I was in a relationship but never talk to anyone then I’ll stay single. This can be applied to any situation. If you don’t change anything nothing will change.

Nobody is coming to save you, or me, or any of us. I wish I had more helping hands, or sympathetic ears, in my life. Many times I have had to navigate rough seas by myself. I either knew I had to or didn’t have the time to wait and see where the chips fell. Being self-reliant is both rewarding and terrifying. It means you get the credit for your successes but you also get the blame for your failures. That is all on you.

This doesn’t mean that the world is a cold and lonely place. It can be if you make it that way. It just means that the person you see in the mirror is more often than not going to be your dance partner in the game of life.

Much of what you have read in these articles, the deaths of loved ones, financial issues, mental health struggles, and alcohol addiction. For the most part, I fought through those things on my own. I am currently going through a struggle with weight gain and very likely I will be battling that on my own.

I am not saying don't ask for help or don’t confide in people. Many will do what they can when they can. I am saying that it’s your life and you are the one in charge of it. You are the director, not a non-speaking extra.

In the end, every decade of my life has been highly consequential and influential and I am sure my 40s will be no different. I will never be as young as I am right now and with every passing second I hope that I am gaining the wisdom to make the next day, week, or year, the best it can be.

Remember there is no textbook on how to live your life. Sure there are loads of self-help books, personal development books, and people of experience to help guide you. However, there is only one you. What works for someone else might not work for you.

My 40s so far have been a lot of gaining inspiration from others and using the inspiration to try to continue down this path I’ve been on for so long. I’ve wanted to do more with my life than just be a 9 to 5 worker. I’ve always felt I had more to offer creatively. It has been a relentless and sometimes fruitless journey on this road but it is a journey I feel destined to continue on.

A goal in my life is to live to be 100. That means I am almost halfway done. My 40s seem to be the decade thus far where I am trying to fortify whatever my legacy will be that I leave when I’m gone. I am coming around to the idea that I will be an example to others.

What I mean is that things I have done will be used by others to hopefully inspire them. Chasing your dreams until you’re well into middle age? You all should do that. Don’t ever give up on them. Making mistakes but learning and recovering from them like I did with my alcohol addiction? I don’t advocate drinking to excess but I advocate not letting mistakes be what defines you.

Most of all I try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before. Even if I improve .0001% I am still moving forward. I think that’s all we can do in life, try to become better versions of ourselves.

I wrote this on my 47^th birthday and was very happy with how it came out. I think it encapsulates who I am and what I have learned in my years so far. I hope you enjoy it.

In my mind, I’m still 8 years old first discovering my love of writing. I’m still 18 at my high school graduation wondering what the road ahead looks like. I’m still 23 and failing spectacularly at life in Las Vegas. I’m still 27 thinking I’d found the one. I’m still 35 basking in the glow of my first book. I’m still 37 thinking I was the best version of myself. I’m still 41 and staring down the barrel of insurmountable losses of loved ones.

In reality, I’m 47. I’m none of those people and yet I’m all of them. I carry all of my past selves with me for they are the ones that made me who I am.

The people I know and have known through all of those years, they are the grains of sand that make up the beach that is my life. Many of them are single grains that came and went. Some of them are the huge boulders upon the sand that have lifted me up beyond where I thought I could go.

I’m 47 and am as undefined as a summer breeze, as unsure as a dark walk in the fog, and as confident as a tenured professor with a mind that still feels like a child on the first day of school.

This is my life. I’m grateful for every moment that came before and excited for every moment still to come.

Previous: 5. There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 5. There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I do believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you then can start to put into practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

For me, as I stare down 47, I can honestly say that my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

 5. I’ve Learned There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

That quote is attributed to writer George Eliot. I attribute it to my Grampa. For you see I have that quote handwritten from him on a piece of paper sticking out of a mirror. I see it every day and remember the reason why he wrote it.

I had wanted to be a writer from the time I was 8. Over the years my dreams morphed into singer/songwriter, film director, poet, novelist, travel writer, podcaster, and finally where it is today, content creator. That is a sort of catch-all. It means I want to use my mind to craft works that people enjoy and will hopefully pay for.

My dreams of being totally self-employed as a content creator drive me. I like being a trainer but if I got the opportunity to work only for myself I’d do it in a heartbeat. I am in my late-40’s now and that still is the case. Dreams shouldn’t have a shelf life. If you truly want something and truly believe in it you should keep pursuing it. There are times when the content I create (podcasts, blogs, videos, etc) is the only thing that makes me happy.

I have had many times that I thought I was close to achieving this self-sufficient dream only to fall short and fall back. There have been times I’ve thought about giving up on a dream and falling in line with some mundane unfulfilling job just to make money. Then I think of those words my Grampa wrote for me.

I had 4 published books at the time, was a few months from turning 40, and was still having to work a full-time day job to make ends meet. I told Grampa that I didn’t know if I’d ever get to where I wanted to be. He wrote those words down. He said that even though he didn’t come up with them those words were what he believed and they were what I should believe, especially on the days when I felt less than.

Today I have 9 published books, hundreds of podcasts videos, and blogs. I still have to work a day job though. At this point, it is a mix of stubbornness and fear that keeps me going. I have come so far that I am always of the mindset that the big break is just a moment away. I also have had many friends and family who have supported me and I fear letting them down by giving up.

Maybe tomorrow something major will happen. Maybe it won’t. I feel that as long as I am on that road that the chance is always there. You don’t have to want to be a writer, content creator, or anything like that. Whatever your dream is, your real dream, keep chasing it because the only time you truly fail is when you give up.

Next: Part 6 - You Are In Charge Of Your Own Life, Nobody Is Coming To Save You.

Previous: Part 4 - Nothing Is Guaranteed and Sometimes A Step Back Can Move You Forward

What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 4. Nothing Is Guaranteed and Sometimes A Step Back Can Move You Forward

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I do believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you then can start to put into practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

For me, as I stare down 47, I can honestly say that my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

4. I’ve Learned That Nothing Is Guaranteed and That Sometimes It Takes A Step Back To Move You Forward

I spent years, too many years, working in the restaurant industry. Don’t get me wrong it was a time when I met so many important people in my life. I don’t regret it in general. I just regret that I stayed until I was bitter and angry at my own lack of movement.

In 2015 I decided to take a chance and leave cooking to become a personal trainer. I figured since I was at the gym 5+ days a week and knew my way around the equipment I could use that knowledge to help others become better versions of themselves.

I worked full-time while also going to classes over the weekend to become a trainer. It was new to me as far as how to make it a career. Up until then it was guaranteed hours cooking. They were tough hours and a lot of them were spent under high pressure, but they were always there.

In training, I learned right away that nothing was guaranteed. There was no guarantee that someone would want to pay to train with the ‘new guy.’ There was no guarantee of hours at jobs since these gyms only see trainers as valuable when they are in the actual act of training someone. These things forced me to change my view on my new career in short order.

Rather than committing to one gym, I worked at 2. Both of these were very part-time. This meant that during some weeks I’d work less between the 2 jobs than I did in half a week cooking. I had to keep pushing ahead. I held out hope that as I gained experience I would be seen as a trainer that people could count on to help them.

As much as I was determined to give personal training my best effort there was something that threatened to derail my commitment. Money. As I said there were no guarantees. I got paid more when I trained someone, and it was good money. I liken it to a server getting tips from tables they wait on. When you’re not waiting a table your wage is practically nothing. That is the struggle of training. Not only was I working part-time between 2 jobs but much of my time was getting paid about 2/3 of what I was making hourly cooking. Fewer hours, less money, it was the freight train coming through the tunnel.

I didn’t know how broke I was until I was on my lunch break at one of my gym jobs. I had walked to a nearby supermarket to buy a protein bar and bottled water. When my debit card was declined it was a cold shot of reality. I couldn’t afford water and a protein bar. I had to return the water.

I had a brief resurgence when I reopened a credit card I had closed a few years earlier. This was quickly maxed out to pay rent and bills. Within a matter of weeks, I was back where I was before, unable to buy food and likely a week away from not having enough money to pay any bills or rent. My lowest point came when I had to borrow money from a client I was training. I didn’t ask, but she had seen a social media post where I had vented a little. She reached out and made the offer and I had to swallow a lot of pride and accept the money.

This couldn’t continue. By this point I had been a trainer for 2 ½ years, I had turned 40 and didn’t know how much longer I could go on before I had to give up. I was working at 1 gym at this point and remember it like yesterday. It was May 2018 and I asked my boss for more hours as I was having a lot of trouble making ends meet. He said ‘bring in more clients and I’ll give you more hours.’ I knew then that a change was coming.

I was thrown a lifeline by an old friend I had cooked with a few years earlier. He had moved on to cooking in a retirement home but was now leaving there to move to Maine. He asked me if I wanted his job. Going back to cooking after 2 ½ years away was not what I had thought I’d have to do. However, it was again guaranteed hours and guaranteed money. Plus cooking in a retirement home sounded far less stressful than Cape Cod restaurants in the summer.

One interview later and I had the job. All that was left was telling my boss at the gym that I was out. I was surprised at how surprised he was at my news. I told him it was 100% financial and that I had asked him for hours but he needed to have strings attached to it. I wasn’t giving up on being a personal trainer but at that point, I had to take a step back to go forward.

Cooking in a retirement home was definitely a change of pace. It was new yet familiar. The people I worked with there were fun and helpful and made me not feel like a failure for having to step back into a position I thought I’d left behind. I did keep my toes in the training pool though.

One thing about being a trainer is that when you work with people trying to improve their lives you develop a relationship, a trust. When I got ready to leave my gym job I had to break the news to my clients. Several of them asked me to train them in their homes. My boss at the gym was a former used car salesman. He had no idea of what it was to be a trainer so he thought I could be replaced and none of my clients would bat an eye. That was wrong.

A few people had to switch trainers as I simply didn’t have the time to take on more than a handful of clients. The icing on the cake for me, when it came to the ignorance of my now-former boss, was when it came to one particular client I was to train in-home.

She had worked with me through her first pregnancy and when she returned to the gym she found it hard to get to the gym with a newborn. Training in-home was the perfect solution. My old boss had the hair-brained scheme of sending a new trainer to her house to work with her. Needless to say, she was not having that.

In-home training taught me how to essentially run my own training business and craft workouts all on my own. In time I would leave cooking again and take another swipe at personal training as my main job. This time had far better results.

However, there is a big difference between a job and a passion. I enjoy being a trainer but my passion, my dream, has always been something different.

Remember that nothing is forever. Just because you fail, or feel like you've failed, does not mean that is the end of the story. I believe it was the band Semisonic who said 'Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.' 

Next: Part 5 - There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

Previous: Part 3 - There's No Textbook For Dealing With Grief and Loss

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #44: Hydraulic Press, Bird’s Nest Hair, Bot Fights, etc.

 

1. Social media learns your interests and crafts your algorithm to show you more of that stuff. I don’t know how it happened but my Facebook Reels suggestions for several weeks have been nothing but a hydraulic press crushing various objects. I’ve seen bowling balls, candles, wood, action figures, and more get flattened. I find it fun and satisfying, and obviously, as I keep watching them the algorithm will keep showing me more but I still don’t know how it started.

2. It was the tale of 2 cute kids at the supermarket one night this week. One little girl, probably 3, was running up and down all of the aisles with her mother trying to keep up with her. I found myself playing traffic cop once, alerting the mother of where her child had gone. The other little girl, probably also 3, was so excited to help her grandmother scan items at the self-checkout that she caused the machine to shut down several times. The attendant had to repeatedly come over to reset the machine. I thought both were cute, the adults watching these kids were not as amused as me though.

3. So often over the last several years I feel in my life that I have totally lost the road. It is as if I am crossing a rickety bridge in the fog and I am not even sure what’s on the other side. I’m just hoping that whatever it is it’s worth moving toward. There are plenty of times I feel I need to stop moving and take a serious look at my surroundings, but then the fear of wasting more time overtakes me and I start sprinting in the darkness. I don’t know if this is how my mid-life crisis is manifesting itself. What I do know is that I’ll keep moving forward until I find whatever I’m chasing or until I collapse.

How life feels at times.

4. A really fun thing to have happen is to pull into a parking space after dark. Then you open your car door to step out and on the ground is a mass of god knows what. Some was liquid, some was mushy, and all of it was gross. To top it off I had to do a kind of ballet dance to get around it. Not sure if I totally missed stepping in it. That was not a good time.

5. On the roads to some beaches on Cape Cod, and I’m sure other places, some signs show you how to proceed if you’re not in a vehicle. They say: Walk Right, Ride Left. That makes sense if you’re going in one direction. What about if you’re going the other way? When you walk right and ride left isn’t it on the opposite side? Doesn’t that make it basically anarchy on these roads? The sign should just say: Walk wherever, ride wherever, as long as you’re not in the middle of the road. These types of thoughts and observations are Exhibit A of why I say my life is like a Seinfeld episode some days.

6. My introversion paid off a bit. I stopped for a few quick things at a convenience store. I grabbed them and immediately went for the self-checkout register located in between a pair of regular registers. This was so I could get in and out without a lot of small talk that I’m not particularly a big fan of. The employee that was working had stepped away momentarily to straighten up one of the aisles. They were so grateful that I could check myself out rather than make them stop their work and come back. I decided to take that win and not say it was because I didn’t want to interact with anyone.

7. At my work there was a fun message I came into one morning. We have an automated away message that is sent to people who text after hours. It just thanks them for the message and states our hours. I walked in with 48 unread messages from one specific number which was alarming at first. I mean who would text us 48 times overnight, right? It turns out that the message that came in was automated, and then we responded with our automated message, which then triggered the same message again from the source. You can see where this is going. It was two bots responding to each other repeatedly. I couldn’t stop laughing once I realized the absurdity of it.

This is how I imagined the bots interacting.

8. Those who used to read the original Initial Impressions blog back in 2010-2012 will remember my attempts to get 5-Hour Energy to sponsor my road trips. I mentioned it numerous times in the old blogs. Now there’s a new version of this energy shot called 5-Hour Energy Sport which I guess is different than the regular because it’s supposed to be a pre-workout. Anyway, I enjoy it but again it has me wondering how to get them to sponsor my road trips. Maybe I’ll keep mentioning them in the video version of this blog. Or maybe I should actually start doing more road trips before I look for a sponsor?

9. In keeping with the feeling lost, Mid-Life Crisis theme I am trying to shake things up with small changes in my life. Switching from Pandora to Spotify for my music app. Quitting Twitter/X and going to Bluesky. Growing my hair out a bit. It’s only been a few days of all of this but it does feel a little new and rejuvenating. I believe a series of smaller tweaks in life can be just as impactful as packing up and moving cross country. I mean I already did that, twice.

10. Speaking of growing hair out my plan is for it to be only slightly longer. When my hair is long it is not straight or curly, it is like a bird’s nest which I hate. I have been routinely shaving my head since 2010. With few exceptions, this has been a weekly occurrence. On the odd occasion when I have grown my hair out people are shocked that I actually have a full head of hair and don’t shave it because I am going bald. Unfortunately now in my late 40s, I can already see after a few weeks of growing it that my hair is far more gray and white than I remembered. I’m not going to dye it though, I might as well age with dignity. Plus I can always just shave it off again in a few months.  

My hair will not be as long as it was here in 2019.