Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #103: Snow Picnic, Exciting Laundromat, Job Applicant, etc.

1. We’ve had a snowier winter this year than in the last few so far. Granted, we haven’t had any huge storms, just a bunch of smaller ones. Going back to work after the holiday break, I had thought that the parking lot would have been plowed, boy was I wrong. According to the owners of our building, they had plow guys scheduled, but they never showed. Nice. So the employee and customer lots were a mess. It was fine for us in the back, but not for the customer lot. We have lots of people who come in who are in their 70s and 80s. Many of them are also getting their backs and hips adjusted, so the last thing they need is to be walking to or from their cars across a skating rink. That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. The irony is that once the plow people finally showed the temperatures had risen and everything was melting, so they weren’t even needed.


2. Even though the warmer temperatures helped with the treacherous conditions in the customer parking lot, it didn’t make the employee one much better. Because it wasn’t plowed, the snow turned to a slushy mess. I was lucky enough to have to take out our trash. Not only was there a few inches of slush around the dumpster, which instantly soaked my shoes, but it was only the beginning. Apparently, the snow had been heavy and wet enough that it knocked a tree down onto the back of the dumpster. This meant that I could actually get the top opened, but only so far, since a damn tree was lying on the back. I had to slosh my way to the dumpster, put the gross trash can on my shoulder, pray nothing spilled out onto me, and then, with my other arm, lift the top about two feet and pour the garbage in. There were a few F bombs on my way back inside for sure.


3. It’s not every day that you get a copy of the film that was your first acting role. I ordered a Blu-Ray DVD copy of Cape Cod Cthulhu, my first acting role, this week. In high school back in the 90s, I spent all of my savings on a camcorder in the hopes of becoming an actor or director. Maybe I’ll never be a breakout Hollywood star, but I got to act in a film that got distributed & will soon be available to stream. Later this year, I will try my hand at producing a feature-length film. It shows you can’t ever stop chasing dreams; they don’t have expiration dates. You can order a copy of the film here: Cape Cod Cthulhu


4. In 2018, I had to take a detour from personal training and head back into cooking. It was necessary due to the financial situation. I worked at a retirement home called Mayflower Place. There, I met many people who made my return to cooking not only bearable but fun. One such person was named Alan. He was around my age, so we chatted about sports, music, and trash-talked about a few people we didn’t enjoy working with. He battled his demons in the form of alcohol. At one point, he was so bad that his skin was yellowing from advanced liver damage. He got clean and made a full recovery. It was an inspiring journey. Alan passed away suddenly and way too young this week. I have no idea what the cause was, and it really doesn’t matter at this point. He left behind a son still in high school. It definitely reminds you that your number can be called at any time. There is a GoFundMe set up to help his family with expenses. I am linking to it here if you wish to donate or share. RIP Alan. 




5. The washing machine is out of commission where I live currently, so I had to take a trip out to the laundromat. Major first-world problems that I had to driving to wash my clothes. It gave me the opportunity for one of my favorite spectator sports, people watching. It was a slow time at the laundromat, so there were slim pickings for people. There was nobody weird, which was sad. The highlight for me was a little girl who had to be 4 years old. She was so happy to be there that she was singing and squeaking in these high tones. It wasn’t an isolated incident either. I was in there probably a total of 20 minutes, and she squeaked and squealed and sang the entire time. It was pretty funny and very cute. Considering she was in a laundromat, I wonder how excited she gets going to McDonald’s or a toy store, or something like that?


6. I finished the first season of The Paper, the spin-off of The Office, and I enjoyed it. I say ‘first season’ because the show was renewed before even debuting in September 2025, and there should be new episodes probably by the end of this year. If you watch the show, try not to compare it to The Office. It’s not that, and it’s such tough expectations to live up to. I found it to be a fun watch, with some likable characters. It’s about the documentary crew from The Office working on their next project, which is a struggling Ohio newspaper. There are some connections to The Office, but it mostly stands on its own. I’m trying not to give spoilers if you want to binge all 10 episodes on your own. It’s weird how in this streaming world, a ‘season’ of television is usually 10 episodes or fewer. My hope is that The Paper gets several seasons to really flesh out characters and stories. I mean, The Office had 201 episodes, hopefully The Paper can get close to half of that.

7. At my job, we are passively looking for a new person to come aboard. They would be a part-time trainer and chiropractic assistant. This would allow us to open up some more time in the schedule for patients and clients. I say passively because there’s no push for it currently, but if someone comes along, we definitely give them a look. Several months ago, a stereotypical trainer applied. He was incredibly rude and condescending not only to our office manager but to my boss as well, referring to him by his name and not ‘doctor.’ I mean, if you’re applying for a job and you call the boss Joe and not Dr. Joe when he’s a doctor, it’s a sign that you’re a jackass and we don’t want you working with us. Flash forward to this week, and we get an application. This guy is looking for some part-time PT work and even name-drops me, saying I went to his gym. I had no idea who he was. Our office manager started feeling like it was deja vu, so she searched his email address in our archives. Sure enough, it was the same guy from before. He basically acted as though he had never applied before. Sorry pal, we’re way smarter than you think. I had to laugh at his nerve and also his complete stupidity. Hard pass.


8. Like many people, I have begun the new year with an eye on getting in better physical shape. It is a lot of eating better, tracking calories, and obviously hitting the gym. It is a struggle between a slow and steady pace and trying to reach the goal as fast as possible. I am straddling that line. I figure the more I do at the gym, the more it loosens the reins as far as the amount of calories I can have. I use a Fitbit to track my activity. I’m actually wearing it as I type this, not burning many calories now, though. Anyway, it will adjust my settings according to how hard I am training. I realized this week that I must be working hard. That is because my Fitbit said that I had exercised 6 out of the last 5 days. Yes, that’s not a typo. I guess I have been going so hard since 2026 began that my workload was the equivalent of working out an extra day’s worth. Needless to say, to avoid falling off hard, I’ve had to scale down my training. I’d rather need an extra month to hit my goal weight than fall off totally and have to start over, or worse, start from a worse position somewhere later this year.


9. This year has begun with me working on the first draft of the script I am writing for my hopeful first feature-length film project set to happen later this summer. As of this writing, I am on Page 32 of what I think will be 70. It’s a step out of my comfort zone, but I feel like I am improving with each day I work on it. This script work is having an unintended benefit. If I can get good at drafting scripts, who's to say I can’t start creating them for other projects? One such idea is a potential television show based on my experiences working in the restaurant business. It would be set in the 1990s and would be a wacky comedy with heart. Sort of like The Office, where you’d have crazy things happen, but it’s also character and relationship-driven. In maybe half an hour, I came up with more than 60 potential story beats for the show. Some of them could be expanded upon, some are crazy enough as is. I feel like these stories, the characters and relationships, along with the nostalgic setting of the 90s, would make it a fun show to watch. I am messing around with the idea now, but I am a little more serious about seeing if I could do this. Of course, the first question is: How do you pitch a television show pilot? One step at a time.

The setting of a future TV show?

10. I have worked as a personal trainer in my daily life for 10 years. I have several other certifications to my credit and have trained hundreds of people toward living better lives. Despite thinking I might have some knowledge in the area of fitness, I have to laugh at the fact that those closest to me either never ask me for health and fitness advice, or they do, but don’t actually do anything I recommend. I don’t make these huge sweeping life-changing suggestions. I advise on small, incremental changes that are sustainable. Still, no follow-through from family and friends. I wonder if it is like this for people in other fields. Do doctors, lawyers, teachers, and others have their closest friends and family ask them advice and then just not follow it? I feel that with me, it’s like if I can’t guarantee the maximum impact for the least amount of effort, nobody is interested. Taking creatine is great. Oh wait, what? I have to actually exercise with it to get the most benefits? It’s like taking a diet pill and gorging on fast food. You only get out what you put in.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #101: Unexpected Guest, Christmas Fun, 30 Year Search, etc.

1. This was a short work week with the Christmas holiday happening Thursday. I ended up working two days and then getting to enjoy 12 straight days off. That doesn’t mean that there was a lack of interesting stories. The main one came in the form of an unexpected guest in the gym. In the early afternoon, my boss happened to lay eyes on something in the corner of the gym near the exit to the hallway. It was a dead mouse. No idea where it came from or how it got into our gym, but there it was. I was tasked with removing it, so I grabbed a pair of gloves and picked it up by the tail. I apologized to it as I tossed it out the back door into some nearby woods. The interesting part of this story is that where the mouse was found was next to an area I had planned to use with a client that morning. She ended up having to cancel her appointment. If she had been there, she’d have been doing planks on a mat right there, and no doubt would have seen the mouse and rightfully flipped out. So I guess it was a good thing that her schedule changed. Fun fact: In the last year or so, we have had a mouse, a frog, and a squirrel in our gym.

An average day at the zoo, I mean, the gym.

2. A sad realization, or an aha moment? I was at the supermarket one evening this week and was craving pizza. I was trying to get through Christmas before trying (again) to get my health on track. Anyway, I saw an ex of mine there. I didn’t speak to her, just saw her. She didn’t see me. The moment I am talking about comes from the fact that when I knew her as a friend and girlfriend, she was my fitness muse. She made me want to be the best version of myself physically, and I was. I felt that old mindset bubbling up inside of me, but the current version of me stamped it down. Maybe that’s why I didn’t go talk to her? I didn’t want to have that healthy voice speaking to me again. It’s a sad realization that what used to be second nature for me, my health and fitness, seem like foreign concepts. I am planning on using my extended break from work to try to get this under control, but it failed on this night. I still went and got pizza.


3. The town where I live doesn’t allow the sale of individual plastic water bottles in grocery stores. They’re allowed in most towns on Cape Cod, though. One of the items on my list to bring for Christmas was a case of water. Because I waited until the last minute, and because it was snowing more than expected on Christmas Eve, I chose to stick close to home to get the water. Even though I couldn’t get a case of water in plastic bottles, I did find several options for canned water. I don’t know why this amused me so much. Cracking open a nice can of water just made me laugh, so of course I got that. It beats water in boxes. I mean, what is that foolishness anyway? You might as well sell water in bags.


4. Every year since 2009, I have paid a visit to a local beach that my Nana spent lots of time at on Christmas Eve. I did it that first year because she was near the end of her life and couldn’t go and enjoy it. She passed a few days after Christmas in 2009. I make it a point to be there around sunset. Whether it’s sunny, cloudy, rainy, snowy, cold, or less cold, I am there. It allows me to purposefully spend a few moments with my Nana front and center in my thoughts. I truly do feel her spirit there. As the years have passed, I have lost several more loved ones. I now use this Christmas Eve tradition to remember them as well. It is somber and bittersweet but also invigorating. I feel all of them in my heart at that time, and it makes me feel lucky I had people that important who still bring those emotions long after they’re gone. But also, it makes me appreciate those who are still here who give me those same emotions. It was cold, windy, and snowy this year, but I was still there and still walked out into the elements to get a photo.

The view at my Nana's beach on Christmas Eve.

5. Christmas was filled with family, food, and fun. The times of family gatherings can be fewer, and further between the older I get, so I always look forward to them. It’s funny how time goes. I can remember my nieces and nephews from the day they were born. Yet here some of them are as teens and young adults, and I can talk and laugh with them in different ways. Sitting and eating my mom’s amazing chicken stir fry while talking about 90s music was a blast. We all were in a food coma by 4:30, but that didn’t stop us from grabbing copious amounts of to-go containers' worth of leftovers. It was a great day overall.


6. One funny thing this Christmas was my surprise that nobody knew this classic Honeycomb cereal commercial from the mid-1980s. We were watching The Princess Bride, and I was mentioning how, at this point, Andre the Giant was probably at his most famous. He was Fezzik in the movie, and around the same time, he was in a Honeycomb commercial. I was shocked, especially that my sister Kate, who has a better memory than me, didn’t remember the commercial from when we were kids. I sang the jingle first, which was embarrassing enough. Honeycomb’s big! Yeah, yeah, yeah! It’s not small! No, no, no! Then I showed everyone the commercial, which they liked but still didn’t remember. I’ll share it here for any fellow GenXers, but maybe my memory is better than I thought.




7. It’s interesting how the week between Christmas and New Year’s is such a dead zone. It’s like I know there are seven days in there, but all I want to do is hurry through them, get past New Year’s, and then speed run my way to spring. I have said numerous times that the period from Labor Day through the end of the year is my favorite time. That being said, my least favorite time is from January 2nd through the first of spring. It’s one long Seasonal Affective Disorder session. It’s made all the more glaring because at my day job, we have the week between Christmas and New Year’s off. This year, we also have an extra week off in January, oh, and there will likely be another week-plus break in March because my boss can afford to shut down for long stretches. He can, the other employees can’t, but that’s why I keep working hard on my content, so I hopefully don’t have to worry about it too much longer.


8. I finished up the continuing education credits to renew my personal trainer certification. I took a course called Business Progressions Level 1. The thing about this course is that the vast majority of it was stuff I already knew. It was a lot about sales and marketing, including social media stuff. That’s literally what I do in my spare time: market and sell my work. So, rather than spend something like 12 hours watching webinars about stuff I already knew, I skipped around, sought out the answers I needed for each quiz, and got my 10 CECs in less than half the time. But shh, don’t tell anyone, I’m sure they’d have preferred that I played by the rules and watched it all.


9. When I was in high school, my sister Kate became friends with a foreign exchange student from Ukraine named Anna. She was this super cute blonde who enjoyed wearing denim overalls. I had such a big crush on her, but I was terrified to say anything. I was even more scared to tell my sister to see if maybe she could put in a good word. Don’t get me wrong, anytime I interacted with Anna, it was good. She was sweet and seemed to find me funny, which was a plus. The universe works in mysterious ways. The time seemed right to grow some guts and make a move. There was going to be a party coming up. She would be there, and I would go. Everything seemed to be falling into place. Then, out of nowhere, Anna was gone. It was like she vanished, but in reality, she had gone back to Ukraine. Now the stories I have heard can’t be verified. I had heard that something had happened to her father, or some member of her family back home, and she was forced to go back and essentially go into hiding. For me, what’s worse is that I learned after the fact that she did indeed like me. She thought I looked like one of the members of the group All-For-One. They did ‘I Swear.’ So not only did I not get the chance to say anything to Anna before she left, but she has been MIA since then. That was 1995. Every now and then, I try to search for her, but I get stuck. I am trying again now since it’s been 30 years. I found a mention of her in a newsletter about exchange students in the state of Massachusetts. The company, MATSOL, still exists. So I went to their website and emailed them to see if there might be any avenues I could go down to try to find Anna. It is highly likely to be a dead end, but you never know. I mean, I failed at finding my great-grandfather’s biological family for years, and then suddenly, new information was available, and it was a success. We’ll see.


10. Being the end of the year, it’s time for New Year’s Resolutions. In the past, I’ve had grandiose declarations of achievements I wanted to accomplish. There’s nothing wrong with setting the bar high. For 2026, I have a big goal, yet also one that is hard to define. I want to rediscover the best version of myself. What does that mean? I’m not totally sure. In all honesty, I haven’t felt like the best version of myself since probably 2019. Even then, I was battling alcohol problems and mourning the death of my hero, my Grampa. Giving such a broad and undefinable resolution might be seen as a cop out, and you might be right. How will I even know if I am the best version of my current self? Maybe it comes down to a feeling? For the most part, in my life currently, I feel unfulfilled and incomplete. I work nonstop on projects like books and podcasts because, in many ways, I am trying to prove my worth to the world. In reality, I think it will come down to the feeling of being happy and satisfied with where I am and, most of all, who I am. Will I achieve it? Who knows, but I’ll spend 2026 trying to find it.

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog #63: Clearance Items, Seltzer Excitement, Pizza Woes, etc.

1. I am a sucker for clearance items. I am especially a sucker for grocery store clearance items. Not things that are set to expire immediately. I’m talking about products being phased out because they’re not selling. If I see the red sticker that says ‘clearance’ you’ve got my attention. I now find myself buying things I likely don’t need mainly because they’re 50% off. I’m not saying I needed 2 different types of BBQ sauce, but the red sticker was too much for me to pass up. The funny thing is that sometimes I find something I like on clearance, and of course, it’s then sold out forever, and I have to go try to find it somewhere else, for full price, booo.

2. April Fool’s Day was this week. I have had many years where I post something outlandish as a joke. This year I decided against it mainly because I felt that if I posted something about moving somewhere or getting a new job, I’d have people immediately jumping to conclusions. Then I’d end up losing my job or having to move from where I live because people thought my April Fool’s joke was real. Maybe I’m just old and not funny anymore. There’s a joke, the not-funny part. I definitely am old-ish now.

3. As a trainer, I take great pride in constructing workouts to challenge and help any client I have. I consider myself flexible as well. If someone comes in with low back pain, I am going to scrap any exercises that might inflame that issue. So I do get bristly when I have a new client basically acting like a coach trying to make me run their plays. I had a lady come in and start listing what she wanted to do. It was a lot of ‘shouldn’t I do this instead?’ or ‘I want to do this.’ It’s like, if you’re so knowledgeable why did you come to me? It’s rare to have a client who is rude, bossy, and dismissive of my efforts. I was literally counting down the seconds until her session was over. Then to top it off, she stayed in the gym late, trying to milk extra time. Sorry lady, I had another client waiting who I actually enjoyed working with.

4. Sad news about the death of Val Kilmer at 65 from pneumonia. He had a lot of great roles, from Top Gun to Tombstone to Batman Forever and more. To me though the lasting memory of Val Kilmer is his 1984 underrated comedy movie Top Secret. I think it's because its cheesy spoof humor appealed to me when I first saw it at age 11. If you haven’t seen it, you should. I’ll be watching it again this week for some good old-fashioned nostalgia. Rest in peace, Val Kilmer.

My favorite Val Kilmer movie.

5. Happier news is the incredible recovery of my Uncle Bob. He suffered a pair of severe strokes late last summer. For a time, it looked like he would not survive. It has been a slow, difficult journey spent in a rehab center near Boston. There have been times where the news was slow coming and I had no idea where he was at. Then suddenly this week, he is back online commenting on a post I shared about my Nana, his mom. He says he hopes to be home soon and it will be so good to get to see him. It’s honestly close to a miracle he pulled through when I think of how my last interaction was with him in the ICU. Such great news.

6. That post about my Nana that I mentioned above? Well I had a new client sign up to start training with me this week. It turns out that she used to work with my Nana at the electric company in the 1980s. My Nana has been gone for 15 years. Hearing about her from a stranger’s perspective is very rare. It was so thrilling and a bit emotional to hear this woman gush about my Nana. It was like she was still alive which really made my day.

7. I freely admit I get way too excited for the new seasonal seltzers from Polar. It’s summer and winter flavors. They usually keep a few the same but try new ones. I am currently drinking Poolside Grape Pops and love it. This won’t be a weekly review thing where I try a new flavor but honestly, I wouldn’t mind it. If 20-year-old me knew that one day I’d be waking up before 7am on days off, loving dollar stores, and geeking out over seltzer flavors he’d probably have just moved to the mountains and waited for the bears to finish him.

Yes, I love the Polar seasonal seltzers.

8. Some people lead very sad lives. It says a lot about a person when I post a photo or video of a sunset and they feel the need to complain that it’s going to rain, or is too cold, or the sunset will soon be ruined by bugs, or tourists. I mean good lord, these people are literal black clouds. Your bitterness doesn’t need to be in my comments. Just go back to looking at your high school yearbook and wondering where it all went wrong.

9. 2 things. 1. the Domino’s Pizza parmesan-stuffed crust is awesome. 2. I can’t eat things like that ever again. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it tasted great, but man, my stomach was angry almost immediately. I wanted a cheat meal and didn’t realize that my body has gotten used to eating relatively healthy. I guess that’s a good thing. Next time I want a cheat meal, maybe I’ll get a box of cereal.

It was both good and bad...

10. Honestly, I can say that I get as much of a good feeling from popping an edible, sitting in my chair, and watching YouTube videos as I used to going out to a bar and drinking. It’s not as loud. I don’t have to worry about driving. I don’t have a hangover. I don’t have to worry about waking up next to a wildebeest. It’s likely just me getting old and boring but still, I don’t miss alcohol or the surrounding shenanigans one bit. 

What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 6. You Are In Charge Of Your Own Happiness, Nobody Is Coming To Save You

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you can start to practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

As I stare down 47, my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

6. I Have Learned That You Are In Charge Of Your Own Life, Nobody Is Coming To Save You.

This piggybacks a bit on the previous section(read it at the link at the end). When it comes to chasing your dreams you will have a lot of supporters but in the end, you are the one who is going to have to do the chasing. Sure, some people will give you advice or a helping hand but nobody is going to pick you up and carry you to where you need to be. That is all on you.

In your adult years, you learn more and more that you are the writer of your own story. Your job, where you live, who you surround yourself with, you have a choice in all of it. I have been one to fool myself into thinking that certain things were just meant to be, good or bad.

This becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. If I wish I had a different job but never apply anywhere then I’m stuck where I am. If I wish I was in a relationship but never talk to anyone then I’ll stay single. This can be applied to any situation. If you don’t change anything nothing will change.

Nobody is coming to save you, or me, or any of us. I wish I had more helping hands, or sympathetic ears, in my life. Many times I have had to navigate rough seas by myself. I either knew I had to or didn’t have the time to wait and see where the chips fell. Being self-reliant is both rewarding and terrifying. It means you get the credit for your successes but you also get the blame for your failures. That is all on you.

This doesn’t mean that the world is a cold and lonely place. It can be if you make it that way. It just means that the person you see in the mirror is more often than not going to be your dance partner in the game of life.

Much of what you have read in these articles, the deaths of loved ones, financial issues, mental health struggles, and alcohol addiction. For the most part, I fought through those things on my own. I am currently going through a struggle with weight gain and very likely I will be battling that on my own.

I am not saying don't ask for help or don’t confide in people. Many will do what they can when they can. I am saying that it’s your life and you are the one in charge of it. You are the director, not a non-speaking extra.

In the end, every decade of my life has been highly consequential and influential and I am sure my 40s will be no different. I will never be as young as I am right now and with every passing second I hope that I am gaining the wisdom to make the next day, week, or year, the best it can be.

Remember there is no textbook on how to live your life. Sure there are loads of self-help books, personal development books, and people of experience to help guide you. However, there is only one you. What works for someone else might not work for you.

My 40s so far have been a lot of gaining inspiration from others and using the inspiration to try to continue down this path I’ve been on for so long. I’ve wanted to do more with my life than just be a 9 to 5 worker. I’ve always felt I had more to offer creatively. It has been a relentless and sometimes fruitless journey on this road but it is a journey I feel destined to continue on.

A goal in my life is to live to be 100. That means I am almost halfway done. My 40s seem to be the decade thus far where I am trying to fortify whatever my legacy will be that I leave when I’m gone. I am coming around to the idea that I will be an example to others.

What I mean is that things I have done will be used by others to hopefully inspire them. Chasing your dreams until you’re well into middle age? You all should do that. Don’t ever give up on them. Making mistakes but learning and recovering from them like I did with my alcohol addiction? I don’t advocate drinking to excess but I advocate not letting mistakes be what defines you.

Most of all I try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before. Even if I improve .0001% I am still moving forward. I think that’s all we can do in life, try to become better versions of ourselves.

I wrote this on my 47^th birthday and was very happy with how it came out. I think it encapsulates who I am and what I have learned in my years so far. I hope you enjoy it.

In my mind, I’m still 8 years old first discovering my love of writing. I’m still 18 at my high school graduation wondering what the road ahead looks like. I’m still 23 and failing spectacularly at life in Las Vegas. I’m still 27 thinking I’d found the one. I’m still 35 basking in the glow of my first book. I’m still 37 thinking I was the best version of myself. I’m still 41 and staring down the barrel of insurmountable losses of loved ones.

In reality, I’m 47. I’m none of those people and yet I’m all of them. I carry all of my past selves with me for they are the ones that made me who I am.

The people I know and have known through all of those years, they are the grains of sand that make up the beach that is my life. Many of them are single grains that came and went. Some of them are the huge boulders upon the sand that have lifted me up beyond where I thought I could go.

I’m 47 and am as undefined as a summer breeze, as unsure as a dark walk in the fog, and as confident as a tenured professor with a mind that still feels like a child on the first day of school.

This is my life. I’m grateful for every moment that came before and excited for every moment still to come.

Previous: 5. There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 5. There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I do believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you then can start to put into practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

For me, as I stare down 47, I can honestly say that my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

 5. I’ve Learned There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

That quote is attributed to writer George Eliot. I attribute it to my Grampa. For you see I have that quote handwritten from him on a piece of paper sticking out of a mirror. I see it every day and remember the reason why he wrote it.

I had wanted to be a writer from the time I was 8. Over the years my dreams morphed into singer/songwriter, film director, poet, novelist, travel writer, podcaster, and finally where it is today, content creator. That is a sort of catch-all. It means I want to use my mind to craft works that people enjoy and will hopefully pay for.

My dreams of being totally self-employed as a content creator drive me. I like being a trainer but if I got the opportunity to work only for myself I’d do it in a heartbeat. I am in my late-40’s now and that still is the case. Dreams shouldn’t have a shelf life. If you truly want something and truly believe in it you should keep pursuing it. There are times when the content I create (podcasts, blogs, videos, etc) is the only thing that makes me happy.

I have had many times that I thought I was close to achieving this self-sufficient dream only to fall short and fall back. There have been times I’ve thought about giving up on a dream and falling in line with some mundane unfulfilling job just to make money. Then I think of those words my Grampa wrote for me.

I had 4 published books at the time, was a few months from turning 40, and was still having to work a full-time day job to make ends meet. I told Grampa that I didn’t know if I’d ever get to where I wanted to be. He wrote those words down. He said that even though he didn’t come up with them those words were what he believed and they were what I should believe, especially on the days when I felt less than.

Today I have 9 published books, hundreds of podcasts videos, and blogs. I still have to work a day job though. At this point, it is a mix of stubbornness and fear that keeps me going. I have come so far that I am always of the mindset that the big break is just a moment away. I also have had many friends and family who have supported me and I fear letting them down by giving up.

Maybe tomorrow something major will happen. Maybe it won’t. I feel that as long as I am on that road that the chance is always there. You don’t have to want to be a writer, content creator, or anything like that. Whatever your dream is, your real dream, keep chasing it because the only time you truly fail is when you give up.

Next: Part 6 - You Are In Charge Of Your Own Life, Nobody Is Coming To Save You.

Previous: Part 4 - Nothing Is Guaranteed and Sometimes A Step Back Can Move You Forward

What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 4. Nothing Is Guaranteed and Sometimes A Step Back Can Move You Forward

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I do believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you then can start to put into practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

For me, as I stare down 47, I can honestly say that my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

4. I’ve Learned That Nothing Is Guaranteed and That Sometimes It Takes A Step Back To Move You Forward

I spent years, too many years, working in the restaurant industry. Don’t get me wrong it was a time when I met so many important people in my life. I don’t regret it in general. I just regret that I stayed until I was bitter and angry at my own lack of movement.

In 2015 I decided to take a chance and leave cooking to become a personal trainer. I figured since I was at the gym 5+ days a week and knew my way around the equipment I could use that knowledge to help others become better versions of themselves.

I worked full-time while also going to classes over the weekend to become a trainer. It was new to me as far as how to make it a career. Up until then it was guaranteed hours cooking. They were tough hours and a lot of them were spent under high pressure, but they were always there.

In training, I learned right away that nothing was guaranteed. There was no guarantee that someone would want to pay to train with the ‘new guy.’ There was no guarantee of hours at jobs since these gyms only see trainers as valuable when they are in the actual act of training someone. These things forced me to change my view on my new career in short order.

Rather than committing to one gym, I worked at 2. Both of these were very part-time. This meant that during some weeks I’d work less between the 2 jobs than I did in half a week cooking. I had to keep pushing ahead. I held out hope that as I gained experience I would be seen as a trainer that people could count on to help them.

As much as I was determined to give personal training my best effort there was something that threatened to derail my commitment. Money. As I said there were no guarantees. I got paid more when I trained someone, and it was good money. I liken it to a server getting tips from tables they wait on. When you’re not waiting a table your wage is practically nothing. That is the struggle of training. Not only was I working part-time between 2 jobs but much of my time was getting paid about 2/3 of what I was making hourly cooking. Fewer hours, less money, it was the freight train coming through the tunnel.

I didn’t know how broke I was until I was on my lunch break at one of my gym jobs. I had walked to a nearby supermarket to buy a protein bar and bottled water. When my debit card was declined it was a cold shot of reality. I couldn’t afford water and a protein bar. I had to return the water.

I had a brief resurgence when I reopened a credit card I had closed a few years earlier. This was quickly maxed out to pay rent and bills. Within a matter of weeks, I was back where I was before, unable to buy food and likely a week away from not having enough money to pay any bills or rent. My lowest point came when I had to borrow money from a client I was training. I didn’t ask, but she had seen a social media post where I had vented a little. She reached out and made the offer and I had to swallow a lot of pride and accept the money.

This couldn’t continue. By this point I had been a trainer for 2 ½ years, I had turned 40 and didn’t know how much longer I could go on before I had to give up. I was working at 1 gym at this point and remember it like yesterday. It was May 2018 and I asked my boss for more hours as I was having a lot of trouble making ends meet. He said ‘bring in more clients and I’ll give you more hours.’ I knew then that a change was coming.

I was thrown a lifeline by an old friend I had cooked with a few years earlier. He had moved on to cooking in a retirement home but was now leaving there to move to Maine. He asked me if I wanted his job. Going back to cooking after 2 ½ years away was not what I had thought I’d have to do. However, it was again guaranteed hours and guaranteed money. Plus cooking in a retirement home sounded far less stressful than Cape Cod restaurants in the summer.

One interview later and I had the job. All that was left was telling my boss at the gym that I was out. I was surprised at how surprised he was at my news. I told him it was 100% financial and that I had asked him for hours but he needed to have strings attached to it. I wasn’t giving up on being a personal trainer but at that point, I had to take a step back to go forward.

Cooking in a retirement home was definitely a change of pace. It was new yet familiar. The people I worked with there were fun and helpful and made me not feel like a failure for having to step back into a position I thought I’d left behind. I did keep my toes in the training pool though.

One thing about being a trainer is that when you work with people trying to improve their lives you develop a relationship, a trust. When I got ready to leave my gym job I had to break the news to my clients. Several of them asked me to train them in their homes. My boss at the gym was a former used car salesman. He had no idea of what it was to be a trainer so he thought I could be replaced and none of my clients would bat an eye. That was wrong.

A few people had to switch trainers as I simply didn’t have the time to take on more than a handful of clients. The icing on the cake for me, when it came to the ignorance of my now-former boss, was when it came to one particular client I was to train in-home.

She had worked with me through her first pregnancy and when she returned to the gym she found it hard to get to the gym with a newborn. Training in-home was the perfect solution. My old boss had the hair-brained scheme of sending a new trainer to her house to work with her. Needless to say, she was not having that.

In-home training taught me how to essentially run my own training business and craft workouts all on my own. In time I would leave cooking again and take another swipe at personal training as my main job. This time had far better results.

However, there is a big difference between a job and a passion. I enjoy being a trainer but my passion, my dream, has always been something different.

Remember that nothing is forever. Just because you fail, or feel like you've failed, does not mean that is the end of the story. I believe it was the band Semisonic who said 'Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.' 

Next: Part 5 - There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

Previous: Part 3 - There's No Textbook For Dealing With Grief and Loss