Christopher Setterlund, In My Footsteps

Wednesday, December 11, 2024

2000: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

This is a weekly recurring series featuring five poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and mind were like at a certain age and show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 2000, a new century. I was deep in the Quarter-Life Crisis, turning 22 years old, and moving from Cape Cod to Las Vegas looking for a new life.

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Christmas In My Heart

I’ve strung out the lights as I’ve done in years past. Green, red, and white, when they shine the memories come rushing back fast. I smell the evergreen perfume, it fills these lonely rooms. I’ve stolen a piece of winter to keep with me where it never snows. Outside the sights of a joyous time remind me why I’m so sad. I’ll be thinking of you more each day. You’ll be in my mind, when I wish and when I pray. I’ll keep on missing you until the next time we meet. And I’ll keep myself smiling with visions of you I’ve etched inside. I’ll keep moving on, walking closer to what I don’t know. I guess I should be celebrating, I only feel right when I dream. I’ll still open the gifts and talk like you can hear me. Sit close to the fire and feel warmth like you’re near me. Watch the sunrise from the comfort of my bed and smile,

even if it’s only Christmas in my heart.

I don’t feel cold when I wake today. I don’t feel tired though I haven’t slept all night. I never grow bored watching snowflakes come to rest on the frozen ground. I forget about other colors when my eyes fill with red and green, it’s like the first time they’ve been seen. There’s joy in the air touching even those who do nothing else but breathe it in. Happiness is the gift everyone opens first, some need it, and for others, it’s always been there. If an entire life was just one day this is the one I would choose for mine. Even the most stubborn non-believer tastes a piece of the divine. Children and old men hand in hand, friends, and enemies, sharing the moment when it all began. If you believe in miracles this one is the greatest, a one-day love affair with each and everything living or dead. Maybe we would be closer to a perfect world if every day was Christmas in our hearts.

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Get Off The Sidewalk

Do you ever feel like a newborn child? Where all you see you’ve never seen before? In the middle of a wide-open space, you stand motionless, shivering inside, hoping to find a voice to call your own. Do you deny the apprehension you’ve developed? If you fear change and monotony why try living at all? Put it on auto-pilot and waste your life away. If you seek a voice, a hand, find the driver and hand yourself over. Having second thoughts? Well then get up off the sidewalk. Enough of the silence open your mouth and talk. Get off the sidewalk and show them, the doubters and thieves who pray on your soul. Get off the sidewalk, and stand up cause you’re the ruler of your own mind.

Do you see each day growing longer? When the night blinks and the torrid sunrays stare? So confused by the passing lights you hide your head and hope they come to you so you won’t have to move. When you reach the end of the day do you wish to skip ahead to see how this story goes? The more you hide the more you lose, the infinite row of doors now hit a wall, and the paths in number grow small. Are you changing your mind? Well then get up off the sidewalk. Find out what makes you happy, find what makes you feel alive. Get off the sidewalk and show them, don’t settle for what they want. Get up off the sidewalk, and stand up cause you have the chance to rewrite history before it happens.

Do you see the night that lasts forever? When the doors end and it’s out of your hands? When you wish you could go back and feel life all over you like the sweat that falls now? Do you wish you were a newborn child? With an old man’s knowledge and a map of where to go? If you treat each day as a new life your wishes can come true, just get up off the sidewalk.

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King Of The Rain

She smiled as she turned away, satisfied by the promise that I’d be back. The hardest part of goodbye is saying the words, once going back is no longer an option. She left me alone, left me empty, here again, I wear this crown, king of the rain, each drop on my head adds fuel to the pain.

This crown I wear is heavy, bows my head down, she’s gone back home up north, so I booked myself a flight out west. Hiding feelings is not as easy as before, when they know you, you can be found out. Not this time, nothing hurts more than the right thing to say, coming to mind after she’s gone away. The time on the road that we shared couldn’t shelter me from the sting of those words. For now, temporary or permanent, I shiver in the winter of your love. So cold have I grown, fires only die out when approaching my heart. The hope I hold will be forgotten, the dam bursts, and my crown overflows with tears. They fall and stain my skin, and scar my soul.

She smiled as she turned away. Maybe her smile faded when my words wouldn’t stop echoing but she did not turn back. The hardest part of goodbye is the unbreakable fall inside, wishing to hit bottom just to end it all. She left me here, left me a ghost, the ground cold and hard as my heart will soon become.

Again I’m left with this crown, king of the rain that won’t stop falling.

Hiding shades of blue from my eyes is not as easy as before, when you’re left crippled inside hurt comes barreling forth whether you allow it or not. We may reignite that fire, in another place, certainly another time. Here and now your voice and face begin to dim and blur. Been through it before, gone is the desire to reach and keep them alive. Thoughts of a next hello stay tucked beneath blankets of truth, when the rain stops I will seek to join them in the dryness below. I held her one last time, she took my life when she let go, little by little though it will find its way back until I’m reborn.

She smiled as she turned away, maybe she wears her own crown now as well, I did not see her head bow. The hardest part of goodbyes are the memories of the moment that do not cease, reminders of the crown you wear that prevent you from healing. She left me alone, she left me here, she left me empty, she left me cold, she left me, shivering and drowning inside the pain,

wearing my crown, the king of the rain.

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You know you had me for a minute there. Almost believed you were sincere. Fronted a golden heart, talked of a soul with nature. Well I peeled away the gold and saw the tin underneath, and opened the closet and revealed the fur coat. You think you’ve got me fooled, well I’m telling you, it’s spouting from your ears, so full of it please don’t open your mouth. So sad your life is, so sick your face makes me, so glad I’m gone and feel fine. You can’t win love with no magic spells, you should find a cure for the bloated posture. Candles only lighten the dark, and altars only join the truly happy, you have no right to hate me, I’m only what you created. Don’t wear the lamb skin shirt, the carnivore reaches out from underneath. Sadness at its most pitiful, truth at its most vile. I’m not mad, not full of hate, and I have no sympathy for your inverted state.

I’m feeling high right now, how ‘bout you today?

I saw you shed your skin, sickened by what I saw, put it back on, please put it back. I can’t help the pity I feel, so clear you’re transparent, so sad you’re just a small creek, I can walk through you and not get wet. I don’t need your dirty money to buy my silence, I don’t want your grade school knowledge to help me save humanity, I don’t have to listen to your stupid bitching lies to clutter my mind. No more spelling with the skin-polluting ink, don’t want to hear the bullshit weak regressive opinion that is your loner by default. Please no more holes to let the excess escape,

show me no more I’ve seen enough of your inbred state.

You showed the crazed obsession that makes up an image, and I’ve had enough of charity. There is no better case than your well-financed face, and I’m through donating. Enough carrying a big dead ass, enough wasting words that you can’t comprehend, and enough of the darkness you wear so well. Can you feel that emptiness, call it what you will. Can you hear that quiet in your mind, it’s gonna grow quieter still. You almost had me believing in you, now I flush away your false truths. You almost had me feeling sorry for growing tired of your act, I’m done wiping crocodile eyes. You almost had me, but I got away, you almost killed me but I’m still okay. You almost drowned me, but I’ve got better things to do,

than sink on this ship with you.

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In My Footsteps Podcast Episode 173: Classic Mall Stores of the 1970s, 1980s, & 1990s Part 2(12-11-2024)

Let's go back to the mall!
In Episode 173 we are traveling back inside the hallowed halls of the indoor shopping mall.
Back in Episode 129, we looked at some of the popular, beloved, and maybe some lesser-known mall stores that attracted customers, or perhaps at least hordes of wandering mall rats during the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s. Well, now we're back for Part 2!
A visit to the mall was always a special and exciting time back in the day. Although the indoor mall is still a popular destination today, its heyday was definitely the '70s through the '90s.
You didn't need much money as the 'mall rat' identity only required you to be inside a mall hanging out with friends. Kids of the day could spend hours sitting on benches or wandering the corridors looking into some of the stores that will be mentioned this week.
How many of these stores did you spend hard-earned money at?
If you think any of your favorites have been left out, listen to Episode 129, maybe they're over there!
For more great content become a subscriber on Patreon!

Helpful Links from this Episode

Listen to Episode 172 here

Tuesday, December 10, 2024

What I've Learned In My 40s(so far): 6. You Are In Charge Of Your Own Happiness, Nobody Is Coming To Save You

I turned 40 on November 2, 2017. There is an old saying that ‘life begins at 40.’ I used to think that was just something middle-aged people said to make them feel younger. Maybe that is a part of it. I believe that the wisdom behind that saying is that you spend those first 39 years accumulating all kinds of knowledge that you can start to practice when you hit the Big 4-0.

As I stare down 47, my 40s so far have been the most difficult and also rewarding decade of my life. I never thought I’d find a time where I’d feel more unsure, insecure, lost, and yet filled with optimism. My teens used to be the benchmark until my 40s.

I’ve learned a lot in my life. Some of it has been useful as I’ve aged. A lot has been pointless. No amount of studying prepares you for coming to grips with your own aging, your own mortality, or your own demons. No amount of preparation can soften the blow of loss and grief. My 40s have been a trial by fire. They have seen me dropped in hostile environments mentally with no survival gear and having to learn on the fly.

So what have I learned in my 40s so far? A lot.

6. I Have Learned That You Are In Charge Of Your Own Life, Nobody Is Coming To Save You.

This piggybacks a bit on the previous section(read it at the link at the end). When it comes to chasing your dreams you will have a lot of supporters but in the end, you are the one who is going to have to do the chasing. Sure, some people will give you advice or a helping hand but nobody is going to pick you up and carry you to where you need to be. That is all on you.

In your adult years, you learn more and more that you are the writer of your own story. Your job, where you live, who you surround yourself with, you have a choice in all of it. I have been one to fool myself into thinking that certain things were just meant to be, good or bad.

This becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. If I wish I had a different job but never apply anywhere then I’m stuck where I am. If I wish I was in a relationship but never talk to anyone then I’ll stay single. This can be applied to any situation. If you don’t change anything nothing will change.

Nobody is coming to save you, or me, or any of us. I wish I had more helping hands, or sympathetic ears, in my life. Many times I have had to navigate rough seas by myself. I either knew I had to or didn’t have the time to wait and see where the chips fell. Being self-reliant is both rewarding and terrifying. It means you get the credit for your successes but you also get the blame for your failures. That is all on you.

This doesn’t mean that the world is a cold and lonely place. It can be if you make it that way. It just means that the person you see in the mirror is more often than not going to be your dance partner in the game of life.

Much of what you have read in these articles, the deaths of loved ones, financial issues, mental health struggles, and alcohol addiction. For the most part, I fought through those things on my own. I am currently going through a struggle with weight gain and very likely I will be battling that on my own.

I am not saying don't ask for help or don’t confide in people. Many will do what they can when they can. I am saying that it’s your life and you are the one in charge of it. You are the director, not a non-speaking extra.

In the end, every decade of my life has been highly consequential and influential and I am sure my 40s will be no different. I will never be as young as I am right now and with every passing second I hope that I am gaining the wisdom to make the next day, week, or year, the best it can be.

Remember there is no textbook on how to live your life. Sure there are loads of self-help books, personal development books, and people of experience to help guide you. However, there is only one you. What works for someone else might not work for you.

My 40s so far have been a lot of gaining inspiration from others and using the inspiration to try to continue down this path I’ve been on for so long. I’ve wanted to do more with my life than just be a 9 to 5 worker. I’ve always felt I had more to offer creatively. It has been a relentless and sometimes fruitless journey on this road but it is a journey I feel destined to continue on.

A goal in my life is to live to be 100. That means I am almost halfway done. My 40s seem to be the decade thus far where I am trying to fortify whatever my legacy will be that I leave when I’m gone. I am coming around to the idea that I will be an example to others.

What I mean is that things I have done will be used by others to hopefully inspire them. Chasing your dreams until you’re well into middle age? You all should do that. Don’t ever give up on them. Making mistakes but learning and recovering from them like I did with my alcohol addiction? I don’t advocate drinking to excess but I advocate not letting mistakes be what defines you.

Most of all I try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before. Even if I improve .0001% I am still moving forward. I think that’s all we can do in life, try to become better versions of ourselves.

I wrote this on my 47^th birthday and was very happy with how it came out. I think it encapsulates who I am and what I have learned in my years so far. I hope you enjoy it.

In my mind, I’m still 8 years old first discovering my love of writing. I’m still 18 at my high school graduation wondering what the road ahead looks like. I’m still 23 and failing spectacularly at life in Las Vegas. I’m still 27 thinking I’d found the one. I’m still 35 basking in the glow of my first book. I’m still 37 thinking I was the best version of myself. I’m still 41 and staring down the barrel of insurmountable losses of loved ones.

In reality, I’m 47. I’m none of those people and yet I’m all of them. I carry all of my past selves with me for they are the ones that made me who I am.

The people I know and have known through all of those years, they are the grains of sand that make up the beach that is my life. Many of them are single grains that came and went. Some of them are the huge boulders upon the sand that have lifted me up beyond where I thought I could go.

I’m 47 and am as undefined as a summer breeze, as unsure as a dark walk in the fog, and as confident as a tenured professor with a mind that still feels like a child on the first day of school.

This is my life. I’m grateful for every moment that came before and excited for every moment still to come.

Previous: 5. There Is No Expiration Date On Your Dreams

Monday, December 9, 2024

Initial Impressions 2.0 Blog: #46 - Funny Signatures, That’s Not Toothpaste, Bad Road Work, etc.

1. December arrived and boy did the weather follow suit. I went out to shoot the sunset on December 1^st and was definitely under-dressed. The fall has been at least somewhat warmer than usual. I took that for granted and went out dressed like it was 55 degrees and not 35 degrees. The temperature, a howling wind, and the sun setting at 4:10pm made me immediately long for spring. Oh well, at least starting December 14^th the sunset times will start getting later. Before you know it the sun will be setting after 5pm again, well February 4^th.

2. I have begun digitizing my old Las Vegas journal to share on my blog and on Patreon. Granted these will be somewhat redacted and I’ll tell you why. In this journal there is a lot of great insight into me, full-on in my quarter-life crisis, going through a cross-country move. The problem is not sharing some deep thoughts, it is the sheer amount of girls I was interested in that I name-dropped. I was a bit surprised. I think I was really looking for whoever was going to come along and fill that void. That being said, I don’t think naming names is going to do any good. Not that they’d all be reading my blog, but I highly doubt any of them would read my thoughts from nearly 25 years ago and suddenly say ‘I never knew!’ and we live happily ever after.

First part now up on this blog.

3. Something a bit interesting to me. I noticed now that it’s December that when I turn my heat on I like it at around 64-65 degrees. I run hot so I don’t need it sweltering to be comfortable. The interesting part? In the middle of summer, I like my air conditioner to be set at 68-69 degrees. So my heat is set to a lower temperature than my A/C is. I don’t know, I thought those numbers would be flip-flopped. Actually, it would make more sense for the temperature to be equal all year round no matter the heat or A/C.

4. I feel at times like my life is an echo chamber of my own thoughts. What I mean is that as I continue on a journey of trying to become totally self-employed I sometimes find myself trapped by my own mind’s limitations. I want to use my writing and creativity skills to do something meaningful and fulfilling but it’s hard to see outside of my own little box I’ve been in for years. It can feel like the Seinfeld episode where George gets an audiobook and the narrator sounds just like him. Sometimes you need advice from a voice that’s not your own.

5. For the first time in quite a while I visited a spot called Scargo Tower in the neighboring town of Dennis. It’s a beautiful stone tower with one of the best views on Cape Cod. I shot a video of me going up the stairs to the top at sunset which was great. I was shocked when I drove up to it that there were no other people there. My excitement was short-lived as while I was shooting the video a van full of people showed up. Then after they left a young couple showed up. I decided to leave the tower to them because I was young once. I just found it funny that as soon as I thought about how great it was that nobody was there all of these people showed up. I should have just kept my mind blank.

6. A random patient at my work made me think of one of my favorite memories of my Nana. Long, loooong ago she would get Christmas cards from her trash man. It was nice, and also a way to remind customers to tip the people who take their stinky trash away for them. Anyway, the trash man signed his card and I believe his name was Doug Carp or something close. I can’t remember for sure but someone in the family remarked that his signature made it look like his name was ‘Dog Crap.’ That alone was too hilarious, but the best part was my Nana’s reaction. She laughed in only the way she could until tears were literally streaming down her face. Those were some of my favorite memories of life, someone making my Nana laugh until she cried. I miss those days.

Maybe just print your name next time?

7. On one of the mornings when I have to get up before 5 to get ready for work I nearly had a unique experience. When going to brush my teeth in my drowsy state the first thing I reached for to put on my toothbrush wasn’t the toothpaste. No, I grabbed my deodorant. I even popped the cap off of it so I was close to having a different sort of fresh mouth. However, nothing will top the time as a 5-6-year-old kid when my sister and I brushed our teeth with Preparation-H, the hemorrhoid cream. Yes, that happened. Hey, give us a break, the old tubes of Preparation-H look just like toothpaste to little kids.

8. One part laughing, one part shaking my head in sad amazement. There is a road in my town that was a part of drainage repairs over the last several months. It’s right in front of where I go to the gym. After all of the repairs were done the time came to repaint the double yellow lines that go down the middle of the road. I said ‘middle.’ In a stunning act of stupidity whoever was painting the lines had them running two-thirds over to one side. This means that you can fit a car and a half on one side of the road while on the other side, any vehicle that isn’t a Smart car is hanging over into the other lane. I have no clue how these people couldn’t figure out how to paint lines down the middle of the road but don’t worry I’m sure they are getting paid a lot to be that dumb.

9. I am a huge fan of retro commercials. The ones I grew up with from the 70s through the 90s are great. I even like ones slightly older. However, I find more recent commercials to be annoying or just plain stupid. One that I constantly hear on my Spotify app is both. Garden of Life probiotics might be the worst one yet. Talking about loving to poop is one thing, and this product helping you to poop is fine. I think it’s the way the woman in the ad gushes about just having pooped to some other woman like she’s 3 years old that just annoys me. It sounds like what a toddler would say to a parent with the child then hoping to get a toy or at least a cookie for pooping on the potty. So dumb.

10. I have found that feeling lost and feeling dehydrated are very similar. By the time you realize that you are either it is way too late and it will take a lot more work to get back to normal than it should. It’s just that you solve one easily by drinking lots of water. The other? I am still trying to figure out how to solve that one.

Saturday, December 7, 2024

The Vegas Journals: Prologue

The genesis of my time living in Las Vegas has roots that stretch back to the summer of 1998. As summer dawned, I was 20 years old and my life had been a river where the waters grew increasingly choppy. The wheels had been set in motion long before though.

Flashback to June 1996, my high school graduation. While all my friends had planned to head off to college, my road was going a different way. I had started a relationship with a girl a few years younger. This meant that she was still going to be in high school. I was 18 and my perspective on life was far different than it is today in my late 40s.

I had liked girls, and had a couple that were considered the middle-school version of ‘girlfriends.’ I had never had what I considered a real relationship. This changed my worldview. I enjoyed the feeling of having her in my life, it made me reevaluate my plans. Before her, my plan was to go off to college. I had been a very good student throughout my school life so college was a natural next step. Falling in love, or at least what I thought was love, that presented a problem.

As I said she was going to still be in high school. Having never felt such strong emotions I was hesitant to let that go. In hindsight, I wish I had realized that my odds of ending up living happily ever after with this girl were extremely thin. In doing research I have found a few studies stating that roughly 2% of high school relationships end up in marriage. 2%. That means in contrast that 98% do not make it, at least to marriage.

In my mind though we would buck the trend. So I made the choice to not head immediately off to college. I had worked hard throughout school so my mother understood and said she understood me wanting to take a break. Don’t get me wrong, I did want to go to college and make something of myself, but the idea of losing my relationship scared me. I honestly felt I’d never find anyone else so I had to stick around.

At first, things went smoothly. I took a semester off and started going to school at the local community college. Plus I had a good relationship so life was good. I love our community college. In fact, I’m writing this currently sitting on the 2^nd floor of the college library. However, up to and including my senior year of high school my plans were to go off to college, as in away from home. I had big aspirations of going to the University of North Carolina, or the University of Nevada Las Vegas(UNLV). My plans didn’t involve a ten-minute commute to the community college.

I didn’t see it at the time but I had sealed my own fate. I made the mistake of taking my foot off the gas. What I mean is I had spent years studying and working hard at school. Once I lost that structure and routine, by my own choice, it was never the same. Being a boyfriend was more important than building my own life.

I think part of the issue stemmed from an unstable childhood that was rife with emotional and sometimes physical trauma. I had a father who couldn’t have cared less if I had food, clothing, or medical care. This was evident by his refusing to pay even less than the minimum for child support. You know, the money you give to ‘support’ your child?

The male that I grew up with, my mother’s second husband, was abusive and demeaning not just to me but to my mother as well. I was often told that my feelings and problems were ‘petty’ and didn’t matter. When you are 11, or 12 years old the problems you face might be small in the grand scheme but to you, they matter. So being told my feelings didn’t matter scarred me in a way I still feel to this day.

The bottom line is that I was in search of love. When I found what I believed to be love I pushed everything else off of the table and focused solely on that. The problem there is the fact that when you build your entire identity around a person they will inevitably let you down. Not because they don’t care but because they are human, as we all are. I wanted this girl to justify my choice to not go off to college by being beyond perfect. That is not reality.

Let’s come back around to the summer of 1998. My mother’s second husband was out of the picture thankfully. A new man had come along who was the stepfather and male role model I had needed. One storm was gone but several more were on the horizon.

The house my family had been living in for 9 years was being sold and we couldn’t afford to buy it. In all, I had lived on the same street in the same neighborhood for 14 years. Now as June ended we were leaving. The worst part was that my family didn’t have a place lined up. This meant that we all had to go our separate ways at least for the time being.

I ended up spending the summer living at my Nana’s house. When I look back now I am so grateful that I had that time with her. I also thought it might be a way to develop a bond with my father as he still lived with his mother in his early 40s. What ended up happening was he decided he needed a change and moved out to Las Vegas within a few days of my arrival.

To clear that up, my father didn’t move because I was staying there. He was in the midst of his mid-life crisis, much like I feel I am today. He felt he needed a change and moving out to Vegas where my Uncle Eric, Aunt Emma, and Cousin Patrick lived made sense.

I still remember waking up in the morning when he left. He hadn’t bothered to say goodbye. Instead, he left a note taped to the television in his bedroom. I don’t remember all of it but I do remember him saying ‘things were going to be getting better for all of us.’ It gave me hope but that was fleeting.

That relationship I had made the centerpiece of my life? It had been steadily going downhill. My own frustration with not having gone off to college like my friends combined with the shock that she wasn’t perfect was a ticking time bomb. In a bit of sweet irony, and probably karma for myself, my girlfriend chose the week after I moved from my childhood home, had the family dog put down, and had my father move across the country to tell me she thought we should break up.

Looking back now it’s like my raft was bouncing off of rocks and rumbling over waves but I was too busy looking up at the clouds. Then when the raft flipped over I was surprised. I hate change. I somewhat fear change due to the unknown. It is a problem when change is coming and you choose to wear blinders. So how did I react to all of this change?

I got my eyebrow pierced. I dyed my hair what I thought was blond but was closer to orange. I began wearing hemp necklaces. Once I turned 21 a few months later I began to find alcohol as a new girlfriend. I changed myself so radically and thoroughly as a coping mechanism. The biggest change was still to come.

Things felt out of control and yet constricting all at once. I drifted aimlessly. I worked doing food prep and cooking while still going to college. I ‘fell in love’ with any pretty face that came close. I was angry at the world because I had chosen the wrong path and was now in a dark alleyway when what I wanted was to be on a hillside overlooking a beautiful valley.

A Quarter-Life Crisis is defined as a period of uncertainty, anxiety, and self-reflection often experienced by people in their early to mid-20s to early 30s. It typically arises as individuals navigate major life transitions and grapple with questions about their identity, purpose, career, relationships, and overall direction in life. I met mine starting in July 1998.

After drifting for well over a year I decided to do my first bit of real traveling. I bought a ticket and hopped on a flight out to Las Vegas in January 2000 to visit my father and the rest of my family. Unbeknownst to all of them I saw this ‘visit’ as a dry run for a move out there. In fact, Las Vegas would have had to kick me in the nuts as soon as I landed for me to have changed my mind.

What the trip ended up being was a sensory overload. Coming from a relatively quiet area like Cape Cod, Massachusetts nothing can prepare you for the sights and sounds as you step foot in Las Vegas. From the moment I got off the plane and walked into the airport, it was a feast for the senses.

A harbinger of things to come happened within minutes of my arrival. The sounds of slot machines were everywhere. It was like a video game menagerie of bells and whistles. Naturally, I had a ‘when in Rome’ mindset. I had to play at least one slot machine, right?

On my first play, the first coin I dropped in, I won $100. In my 22-year-old mind gambling was easy, after all, I just won $100 on a quarter. This was a bad sign that will become a running storyline throughout my Vegas Journal.

My trip was filled with fun. I stayed with my father at his apartment on West Charleston Boulevard. The area where he lived was far from The Strip that most people picture when thinking of Las Vegas. It actually looked closer to the town of Hyannis, Massachusetts which was the next town over from me. Well, Hyannis on steroids.

I was overwhelmed by all of the stores and restaurants. I loved the warm and dry weather in the winter there. I also had not missed the community college mere steps from my father’s apartment. I also had my Uncle Eric, Aunt Emma, and cousin Patrick not far away. It felt like a no-brainer.

I don’t remember if I stayed for 3 or 4 days but the bottom line was that when I was packing to go back to Cape Cod I knew that was only going to be temporary. Las Vegas was to be my new home. There was so much potential. There were so many new sights and new opportunities. I had to get away from the choking Quarter-Life Crisis I was living in back home. What better way to shake things up than by creating the ultimate change in my life?

When I returned to Cape Cod I let everybody know that my plan was to make a permanent move to Las Vegas. To better prepare I decided to wait until Labor Day to actually leave. That would give my job plenty of notice to find someone to replace me. It was also a bit of a safety net in case I changed my mind. Honestly, I had no plans to stay on Cape Cod but part of me was hesitant.

For all of the changes I had gone through in the preceding year and a half none of them had been as drastic as moving 2,700 miles away across the country. I think in the back of my mind I knew I could always come back. I think I also knew that I could change my mind and people wouldn’t think less of me. However, where I was in life at that time I was hyping this move up as success or bust.

That’s where we’ll leave it. Heading toward the end of the summer in 2000. My move to Las Vegas was solidified and impending. I had a roof over my head at my father’s apartment. I had opportunities for work, school, and an overall better chance for success. What success meant to me I had no idea. In the immortal words of my father upon his own move to Las Vegas 2 years earlier, things were going to be getting better for all of us.

The view of Las Vegas from the airport in 2000.

Thursday, December 5, 2024

1999: My Life In Poetry Form - Throwback Thursday

This will be a weekly recurring series featuring 5 poems all written within the same calendar year. They capture a sense of what my life and my mind were like at a certain age. It also will show the evolution of my life, mind, and writing style. This is 1999. I was still in college but was rapidly approaching the Quarter-Life Crisis turning 21 years old.

Blink

Your incense kisses sing me a song. When I breathe your thoughts, I just wanna sing along. So close we stand, I can almost hear your heartbeat, looking deep inside to see what I can do to win its affection. Smile so gently with heat warming me, watching all your movements like waves upon the sea. My desires feel overwhelming, and your voice can stir me up, just one word. It’s just what I think, it’s only when I sleep that I blink. The hardest part of tomorrow is one day without you. A page left unwritten, a blank space in time, it’s only when I’m alone do I blink, when I’m near you I’ve no chance to think. I can’t say if we’ll make it when the cold sets in. I can only say I’d wait for you, no matter who or what I’d wait for you. Cause it’s you when I wake. If I’d known paradise to be fleeting never would I forsake the time when I don’t blink. The seasons change to take your smile away, then I’ll blink, in my mind, you’ll remain. Remember to know I’ll be waiting in my world for you, in my world we’ll dance into the sunset together. I’ll never blink again, won’t lose your picture. Don’t want to make it hard for you to see, where the shadows don’t stretch as far is where I hide. I just want to be found, want you to look for me. I’m spinning just out of reach, take my hand and pull me close, we’ll fade into the shadows. Where their voices and minds will be numb to our lives, eyes and ears pass over and move on. So close are we now I can hear you speak softly, I strain to catch every sound. I want to know what you think, only when you’re gone will I blink. When it grows cold, when our time is over, when I can’t hear your heartbeat when I’m not stirred by a smile, when I’ve no one to sing to. The hardest part of today will be when I know I won’t see you tomorrow. When I blink and you won’t be there, I’ll be waiting, for when the song returns, I’ll be here still

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Sense Unsensed

How long is too long to wait for the one you want?

There’s only so much time that can be spent looking at one who doesn’t look back.

Where is the sign that will point me in the right direction?

Where is the light to shine on my path to happiness?

How can I be sure I’m not missing something on the other side of the fence.

When you can’t see over or through, only assume it’s there.

With the time spent on the foundation,

do I dare say it was time well wasted?

Maybe she’ll never come around,

and I can’t tell you what to think, how to feel.

All I can do is think, god damn, if only situations like this were clearer to solve.

Is it worth the wait? What if my wait spills over into forever? Would I still anyway?

Gotta believe she’s everything I dream.

But gotta realize a dream is all she may be to me.

When is the right time to break your own heart?

To regroup in disappointment.

To finally admit in the sad reality of your mind that you will not get that far off fantasy.

Gotta believe that it was meant to be this way.

That somewhere out there lies another day.

Where fantasy and reality mix with brilliant flashes of color and light.

Where I’ve another hand to walk with in the night.

Gotta believe there’s another one who’s searching as well.

Gotta believe that in time I will find her.

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Mirror and Shadow

There’s a sound that’s rolling this way from across the hill. It’s not lost on me, as nature’s heartbeat calls to me, calls me home. On the verge of something, I know not what, but it’s a life changer I can assure. Angels whisper my name, for so long I was scared to answer, but now I can, I can take your hand. Please be gentle as you carry me where my future lies, my eyes may not be ready for some things they’re about to see. Be careful not to break me down, break my heart. My time with a mirrored skin hiding myself has come full circle, now it’s you reflecting me, and I can finally see myself in your eyes and on your face.

There’s a figure taking shape from the shadows stretching across the hill. It’s no longer a mystery, that figure is me. I am a mirror and a shadow, hand in hand, the figure is me and I’m ready to move. Stare into my eyes, please be gentle with this gift, I may not be ready for some of the powers it possesses. Be careful not to break me down, break my heart. Now I run to meet myself in the valley among the swirling winds of passion for life never known before. I hold my hands to the sky for the angels to do as they will, the figure is me, a mirror and a shadow are what I am. I can live now, I can take your hand and live now.

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Thirty-One

I have to rewind my mind. Going back to find that wisdom, ignorance keeps me blind. You can’t take it with you, so I’ll wait until it decides it wants to come with me. Stopped moving up, stuck in place, helping to piece back together the shattered vase. There’s a small fire beginning to burn. Do I fan it? Or pour more gas on it and try to control where it goes? The thought of a sunny day can’t stop the rain, and one sponge won’t suck up all the troubles that worry us now. Pleas and pleasures we give and receive will still come without regard to location or desire. This place, we’re here now, the smoke has not settled in to separate us yet. Follow hopefully the carrot on a string, a sad sight to seem so desperate. Strikes twelve again and the pumpkin we ride has fallen, but outside this deja vu lies strength unwavering by a nightfall at dawn. Pity silent prophets we can’t hear you singing, to give us hope on tomorrow’s wings, to tell us that all together we belong. An instant of waiting for the cell door to open, a free ride to the border, all clear and no fear. Just waiting for time. I pull leaves off the trees, turn the hands of the clock to make it speed up, drown spring in summer, and fall into winter. Just waiting for time to catch up. Blindfolded, jump feet first into the whispers of what may be, plugged up to miss the word, an excuse to ignore what you’ve already heard. As the wire we balance on shortens there is less unknown, it all becomes fact. As the boat we missed sails away cursed on opportunities, wasted becomes reality. Pass no blame onward, let it go, and drop no tears to the floor, we all have to go some time. History repeats like a record it won’t stop until the end. Only when you grab the arm and move it yourself, don’t let it skip a beat, let the future play its song.